This Man Confessed
Page 97
‘I didn’t just let it go unsaid, Ava. I had it out with her and she admitted and regretted it all.’
‘Of course she regrets it. She failed! She’s probably regretting not doing a better job.’ I slam my glass down on the worktop. ‘And you may as well have let it go unsaid. Did you offer burial or cremation?’
His face screws up. ‘What?’
‘The usual option you give people who hurt me. Did you offer it to Sarah?’
‘No, I offered her a job in return for her word that she’ll never interfere again. I told her that if you say so, she’s out.’
‘I say so!’ I shout. ‘I say she’s out!’
‘But she hasn’t done anything.’
I look at the thick skinned idiot across the worktop in disbelieve. ‘She’s not done anything?’
His eyes close and he exhales long and wearily. ‘I mean she’s not done anything since I reinstated her. And you rewarded her with a tidy crack to the jaw for the stuff that came before.’
‘Why are you doing this? You know how I feel, Jesse.’
‘Because she’s desperate, Ava. She has no life past The Manor.’
‘You feel sorry for her?’ I ask more calmly. I love everything about this man, except his sudden empathy for all of these historical women who are trying to sabotage our relationship. Look what he did to Matt, for Christ’s sake.
‘Ava, first of all, I want you to calm down because it’s not good for you or the babies.’
‘I am calm!’ I screech, lifting my glass with wobbly hands. I’m far from calm.
He sighs and cocks his head to crack his neck, almost like he’s alleviating some stress. I have no idea what he’s so stressed about. Let me tell him that I’ll continue to work for Mikael and see what reaction that sparks. It’s the same principle, kind of.
He walks over to me, takes the glass from my hand and picks me up, placing me on the worktop. My jaw is seized and pulled up to meet his face. I maintain my scowl, looking at him through pissed off eyes.
‘Sarah has nothing. I kicked her out when she came clean, and thought no more of it.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘Until John spoke with her and she was saying all kinds of fucked up shit, the most worrying part mentioning death being better than living her life without me.’
My suspicious mind instantly makes me think that it’s another ploy to nab him. I can’t help it. ‘Attention seeker.’ I snipe, still scowling. Her past actions are a clear indication to what lengths she’ll go to.
‘I thought so, too, but John wasn’t so sure. He found her. She’d slashed her wrists and taken a pile of pain killers.’ He raises his eyebrows as I recoil. ‘It was no cry for help, Ava. There was no attention seeking about it. John only just got her to the hospital in time. She wanted to die.’
My brain is failing me on all counts. There are plenty of sensible questions that I should be asking, but nothing is coming to me. I’m blank.
‘I don’t want another death on my conscience, baby. I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.’
I choke on sympathy. ‘She came to see me.’ I say. I don’t know where it comes from.
‘She told me.’ He reaches up and cups my cheek. ‘But I’m surprised you never mentioned this before.’
What can I say? That Sarah’s words were, in fact, the reason for my clarity? That she was the reason I turned up at The Manor in such a state? ‘I didn’t think it was important.’ I answer feebly. Does he know exactly when Sarah paid me a visit, because if he does, then surely he’ll know that a couple of hours later, I was a deranged wreck, desperate to see him.
‘It was Sarah who told Matt about my drinking.’ He starts biting his lip.
I recoil further, and his hand drops from my face. That’s how Matt found out? ‘Is that how you knew I was collecting my clothes from Matt’s too?’
He nods. ‘She said she’d overheard you on the phone, telling someone you were intending to pick your stuff up. I was too mad to piece it together. I saw red, acted on impulse and asked questions later.’
So her list of misdemeanours goes further. I desperately do not want to feel sorry for her. ‘She said she couldn’t work for you anymore.’ I remind him. ‘So how come she is?’
‘I asked her. I’ll never find someone else to do the job, which means I’ll have to do it, and I’m not prepared to give up my time with you. And you should know, she only accepted on the condition that you were okay with it.’
If I’m okay with it? That makes me feel like total shit. So the future of Sarah has been placed in my hands? If I say no, will she try to top herself again? And if I agree, will I be facing another round of Sarah trying to split us up? ‘You’re not giving me much of a choice.’ I mutter. I’m trying and failing to be logical here. I don’t want to lose Jesse to The Manor’s demands at the best of times, not least to piles of paperwork that will stress him out. I’ll never see him, but if I accept this, then I’m accepting what she has done to us, and I don’t think I can do that, not even when she’s tried to kill herself. But Jesse’s words keep running on repeat in my head.
I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.
And I can’t do it to him, just because of my insecurities regarding The Manor’s resident Indiana Jones. My anxieties are justified, but Jesse’s guilt isn’t, and I can’t put him through any more than he’s already dealt with. It would be cruel and selfish. I love him too much.
He re-cups my cheeks and pierces me with green eyes full of sincerity. ‘I’ll tell her it’s a no go. I’m not prepared to see you so unhappy.’
I crumble on the inside. He’s prepared to live with the potential of further blood on his hands, even though none of this is his fault, just to keep me happy? I shake my head in his grasp. ‘No, I want you with me more than I want her gone.’
‘You do?’ He sounds surprised.
‘Of course I do, but you have to promise me something.’
‘Anything, you know that.’ He kisses my forehead.
This is not strictly true because he wouldn’t ask this of me. I’m trying to disregard the mitigating circumstances, but it’s hard to ignore a woman who’s attempted suicide because my husband doesn’t want her. ‘When the babies arrive, you won’t be at The Manor day and night. You’ll be with me as often as you can. I don’t know if I can do this.’ The fear of being alone with twins is scaring me. I don’t care that I’ve just admitted it. One baby was frightening enough. Two babies? I’m terrified, and he needs to know.
His lips curve at the edges. He finds my panic funny? ‘Ava, you’ll have to bury me six feet under before I have it any other way. You can do it because you have me.’ He wraps me in his arms and pulls me off the counter so I’m left little choice but to cling onto him with my legs around his naked hips and my arms around his naked shoulders. ‘We’re going to be okay.’
‘I know.’ I admit. I’m feeling needy, like I’m seeking constant reassurance. He’ll always give it to me, but he must be slightly concerned by my anxiousness. I’m hardly showing any motherly tendencies. Shouldn’t it be the woman reading the books and buying folic acid?
‘Of course she regrets it. She failed! She’s probably regretting not doing a better job.’ I slam my glass down on the worktop. ‘And you may as well have let it go unsaid. Did you offer burial or cremation?’
His face screws up. ‘What?’
‘The usual option you give people who hurt me. Did you offer it to Sarah?’
‘No, I offered her a job in return for her word that she’ll never interfere again. I told her that if you say so, she’s out.’
‘I say so!’ I shout. ‘I say she’s out!’
‘But she hasn’t done anything.’
I look at the thick skinned idiot across the worktop in disbelieve. ‘She’s not done anything?’
His eyes close and he exhales long and wearily. ‘I mean she’s not done anything since I reinstated her. And you rewarded her with a tidy crack to the jaw for the stuff that came before.’
‘Why are you doing this? You know how I feel, Jesse.’
‘Because she’s desperate, Ava. She has no life past The Manor.’
‘You feel sorry for her?’ I ask more calmly. I love everything about this man, except his sudden empathy for all of these historical women who are trying to sabotage our relationship. Look what he did to Matt, for Christ’s sake.
‘Ava, first of all, I want you to calm down because it’s not good for you or the babies.’
‘I am calm!’ I screech, lifting my glass with wobbly hands. I’m far from calm.
He sighs and cocks his head to crack his neck, almost like he’s alleviating some stress. I have no idea what he’s so stressed about. Let me tell him that I’ll continue to work for Mikael and see what reaction that sparks. It’s the same principle, kind of.
He walks over to me, takes the glass from my hand and picks me up, placing me on the worktop. My jaw is seized and pulled up to meet his face. I maintain my scowl, looking at him through pissed off eyes.
‘Sarah has nothing. I kicked her out when she came clean, and thought no more of it.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘Until John spoke with her and she was saying all kinds of fucked up shit, the most worrying part mentioning death being better than living her life without me.’
My suspicious mind instantly makes me think that it’s another ploy to nab him. I can’t help it. ‘Attention seeker.’ I snipe, still scowling. Her past actions are a clear indication to what lengths she’ll go to.
‘I thought so, too, but John wasn’t so sure. He found her. She’d slashed her wrists and taken a pile of pain killers.’ He raises his eyebrows as I recoil. ‘It was no cry for help, Ava. There was no attention seeking about it. John only just got her to the hospital in time. She wanted to die.’
My brain is failing me on all counts. There are plenty of sensible questions that I should be asking, but nothing is coming to me. I’m blank.
‘I don’t want another death on my conscience, baby. I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.’
I choke on sympathy. ‘She came to see me.’ I say. I don’t know where it comes from.
‘She told me.’ He reaches up and cups my cheek. ‘But I’m surprised you never mentioned this before.’
What can I say? That Sarah’s words were, in fact, the reason for my clarity? That she was the reason I turned up at The Manor in such a state? ‘I didn’t think it was important.’ I answer feebly. Does he know exactly when Sarah paid me a visit, because if he does, then surely he’ll know that a couple of hours later, I was a deranged wreck, desperate to see him.
‘It was Sarah who told Matt about my drinking.’ He starts biting his lip.
I recoil further, and his hand drops from my face. That’s how Matt found out? ‘Is that how you knew I was collecting my clothes from Matt’s too?’
He nods. ‘She said she’d overheard you on the phone, telling someone you were intending to pick your stuff up. I was too mad to piece it together. I saw red, acted on impulse and asked questions later.’
So her list of misdemeanours goes further. I desperately do not want to feel sorry for her. ‘She said she couldn’t work for you anymore.’ I remind him. ‘So how come she is?’
‘I asked her. I’ll never find someone else to do the job, which means I’ll have to do it, and I’m not prepared to give up my time with you. And you should know, she only accepted on the condition that you were okay with it.’
If I’m okay with it? That makes me feel like total shit. So the future of Sarah has been placed in my hands? If I say no, will she try to top herself again? And if I agree, will I be facing another round of Sarah trying to split us up? ‘You’re not giving me much of a choice.’ I mutter. I’m trying and failing to be logical here. I don’t want to lose Jesse to The Manor’s demands at the best of times, not least to piles of paperwork that will stress him out. I’ll never see him, but if I accept this, then I’m accepting what she has done to us, and I don’t think I can do that, not even when she’s tried to kill herself. But Jesse’s words keep running on repeat in my head.
I live with Jake’s every single day. I can’t do it.
And I can’t do it to him, just because of my insecurities regarding The Manor’s resident Indiana Jones. My anxieties are justified, but Jesse’s guilt isn’t, and I can’t put him through any more than he’s already dealt with. It would be cruel and selfish. I love him too much.
He re-cups my cheeks and pierces me with green eyes full of sincerity. ‘I’ll tell her it’s a no go. I’m not prepared to see you so unhappy.’
I crumble on the inside. He’s prepared to live with the potential of further blood on his hands, even though none of this is his fault, just to keep me happy? I shake my head in his grasp. ‘No, I want you with me more than I want her gone.’
‘You do?’ He sounds surprised.
‘Of course I do, but you have to promise me something.’
‘Anything, you know that.’ He kisses my forehead.
This is not strictly true because he wouldn’t ask this of me. I’m trying to disregard the mitigating circumstances, but it’s hard to ignore a woman who’s attempted suicide because my husband doesn’t want her. ‘When the babies arrive, you won’t be at The Manor day and night. You’ll be with me as often as you can. I don’t know if I can do this.’ The fear of being alone with twins is scaring me. I don’t care that I’ve just admitted it. One baby was frightening enough. Two babies? I’m terrified, and he needs to know.
His lips curve at the edges. He finds my panic funny? ‘Ava, you’ll have to bury me six feet under before I have it any other way. You can do it because you have me.’ He wraps me in his arms and pulls me off the counter so I’m left little choice but to cling onto him with my legs around his naked hips and my arms around his naked shoulders. ‘We’re going to be okay.’
‘I know.’ I admit. I’m feeling needy, like I’m seeking constant reassurance. He’ll always give it to me, but he must be slightly concerned by my anxiousness. I’m hardly showing any motherly tendencies. Shouldn’t it be the woman reading the books and buying folic acid?
