This Regret
Page 47
She really doesn’t get it. With Kellan, I just feel safe. I've always felt that way around him and that hasn't changed. I feel as if I should be with him right now. He gives me a feeling I haven’t felt in years. He was the closest person that my brother had besides me. If I can’t be around my brother, then Kellan is the next best thing. I want to feel alive like I used to. “It’s hard to explain,” I swallow as I reach for the door. “I’ll call you later. Tell everyone I said bye.”
Before she can respond, I am out the door looking for Kellan. I spot him right away, standing against his truck with the passenger door already open and waiting on me. With me wearing this skirt, a part of me is happy to be seeing the truck instead of his motorcycle.
When he notices me, he tilts his head and holds out his hand. “Come.”
I walk over to him and grab his hand as he helps me up and into the truck, before shutting the door behind me. I start to feel really nervous as I watch him jog in front of the truck and over to his side to get in. I never expected to be back in this truck again and the feeling has me on some kind of high. Maybe it’s just being in Kellan’s presence. I haven’t quite figured it out.
After he’s in the truck, he closes the door behind him and turns the keys, starting up the engine. The keys were in the truck the whole time, meaning he never expected to stay for long. What was his reasoning for keeping his keys ready?
I clear my throat, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “So . . . you weren’t planning on staying very long were you? Were you just going to swing by to say hi?”
He answers, keeping his eyes on the road. “I was only coming so I could take something with me. Something important to me. I found it rather quickly. Quicker than I expected.”
My mind races as I realize that something has to be me. He didn’t go anywhere else in the house and he didn’t have much time alone to grab anything to take with him. Is he playing games with me? Yes, he kissed me, but that doesn’t mean he wants me or that I’m important to him.
“Why did you kiss me?” My voice comes out slightly shaky as I study his profile. He’s so beautiful. His strong jaw line is covered in a short stubble that I just want to be rubbed all over my body. Everything about him is sexy and masculine.
He glances my way, but only for a quick second before he speaks. “I don't know, because I wanted to, I guess.”
That’s his answer, because he wanted to? That answer isn’t exactly what I was looking for. “You just wanted to for no particular-“
“Look Phoenix. I couldn’t help myself. You were standing there looking as sexy as homemade sin and the only thing I could picture was tasting every part of your body, including those gorgeous lips of yours. I wanted to, so I did. It was a mistake and I shouldn’t have done that to you. It won’t happen again, okay?” He’s breathing heavily and his hands are gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly. “I’m sorry for kissing you.”
“Yeah, well I’m sorry for asking.” He thinks it was a mistake to kiss me. Am I really that bad? I thought he was supposed to make me feel better about today, not worse. “Maybe you should just take me back to the party so I can get my car and go home.”
His hand reaches out and grabs mine, interlocking our fingers. The look in his eyes scream pain, as he attempts to look at me and still pay attention to the road. “I’m not taking you back to the party. I want to spend this day with you. You said you would give me a chance. If I remember correctly, you keep your promises, as do I.”
I feel foolish now for even feeling just a little bit of excitement. Of course, he is only doing this because of my brother. I’m sure he feels some kind of guilt that he didn’t take care of his best friend’s sister after he was gone. I guess this is his way of making up for it. As much as it stings, I guess I should be thankful he’s here at all.
“You’re right. I do keep my word and I will keep it now,” I whisper. “Just don’t hurt me. I can’t take anymore hurt right now.”
His jaw clenches at my words. He releases my hand and places both of his hands back on the steering wheel. “I'm trying my best,” he says stiffly.
Ten minutes later, we pull up at the cemetery. I instantly get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and every part of me wants to run. Sure, I have come here, but no one else knows. It's my secret. I've sat at his grave, plenty of times actually. Just never with someone else. I enjoy this moment alone, my serenity. It’s my time to pretend it’s just the two of us again like old times. Sometimes I sit and talk to Adric for hours on end, telling him everything or nothing at all. It's my only way to cope with him not being here. My mother has tried getting me to come here with her and Zoe, but I always refuse. They don’t understand the connection that me and Adric had. No one but Kellan understands that.
I choke back a sob as my emotions start to take over, overwhelming me. I rarely let anyone see me cry. I won’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen. I repeat in my head in hopes that my body will listen. Usually, my body is pretty good at listening to my mind, but around Kellan, I lose all control.
“Are you ready?” He waits for me to nod before opening the door and getting out of the truck.
I get out as well, closing my eyes, in an attempt to prepare myself. The grass is a bright green and it smells freshly cut. It makes me yearn to take these boots off and let it squish between my toes. I used to love rolling around in the grass as a kid. I remember watching Adric and Kellan play toss with a football and I would sit out on the sidelines, lying flat on my belly, while reading a book or just laughing at them being two goofy boys. Occasionally, they would pull me in to play catch and laugh at me whenever I ran after the ball. I ran like the wind, but always missed. Sometimes I even tried to run so fast to show off, that my legs would buckle and then I would look like a total idiot, face planting into the grass. Those were the good old times. For them at least.
I look out into the clear blue sky that stretches on for miles. It is a beautiful day to come visit my brother and I wish I would have come on the fourth every year. I just couldn’t seem to find it in me. This day was always too dark for me.
The grass is perfectly trimmed as if someone just cut it within the last two days or so. That makes me smile. Last time I came here, the grass looked a little unkempt as if someone either rushed through the maintenance or skipped it all together. It made me sad and angry. My brother’s home should be just as beautiful as he was.
Before she can respond, I am out the door looking for Kellan. I spot him right away, standing against his truck with the passenger door already open and waiting on me. With me wearing this skirt, a part of me is happy to be seeing the truck instead of his motorcycle.
When he notices me, he tilts his head and holds out his hand. “Come.”
I walk over to him and grab his hand as he helps me up and into the truck, before shutting the door behind me. I start to feel really nervous as I watch him jog in front of the truck and over to his side to get in. I never expected to be back in this truck again and the feeling has me on some kind of high. Maybe it’s just being in Kellan’s presence. I haven’t quite figured it out.
After he’s in the truck, he closes the door behind him and turns the keys, starting up the engine. The keys were in the truck the whole time, meaning he never expected to stay for long. What was his reasoning for keeping his keys ready?
I clear my throat, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “So . . . you weren’t planning on staying very long were you? Were you just going to swing by to say hi?”
He answers, keeping his eyes on the road. “I was only coming so I could take something with me. Something important to me. I found it rather quickly. Quicker than I expected.”
My mind races as I realize that something has to be me. He didn’t go anywhere else in the house and he didn’t have much time alone to grab anything to take with him. Is he playing games with me? Yes, he kissed me, but that doesn’t mean he wants me or that I’m important to him.
“Why did you kiss me?” My voice comes out slightly shaky as I study his profile. He’s so beautiful. His strong jaw line is covered in a short stubble that I just want to be rubbed all over my body. Everything about him is sexy and masculine.
He glances my way, but only for a quick second before he speaks. “I don't know, because I wanted to, I guess.”
That’s his answer, because he wanted to? That answer isn’t exactly what I was looking for. “You just wanted to for no particular-“
“Look Phoenix. I couldn’t help myself. You were standing there looking as sexy as homemade sin and the only thing I could picture was tasting every part of your body, including those gorgeous lips of yours. I wanted to, so I did. It was a mistake and I shouldn’t have done that to you. It won’t happen again, okay?” He’s breathing heavily and his hands are gripping the steering wheel a little too tightly. “I’m sorry for kissing you.”
“Yeah, well I’m sorry for asking.” He thinks it was a mistake to kiss me. Am I really that bad? I thought he was supposed to make me feel better about today, not worse. “Maybe you should just take me back to the party so I can get my car and go home.”
His hand reaches out and grabs mine, interlocking our fingers. The look in his eyes scream pain, as he attempts to look at me and still pay attention to the road. “I’m not taking you back to the party. I want to spend this day with you. You said you would give me a chance. If I remember correctly, you keep your promises, as do I.”
I feel foolish now for even feeling just a little bit of excitement. Of course, he is only doing this because of my brother. I’m sure he feels some kind of guilt that he didn’t take care of his best friend’s sister after he was gone. I guess this is his way of making up for it. As much as it stings, I guess I should be thankful he’s here at all.
“You’re right. I do keep my word and I will keep it now,” I whisper. “Just don’t hurt me. I can’t take anymore hurt right now.”
His jaw clenches at my words. He releases my hand and places both of his hands back on the steering wheel. “I'm trying my best,” he says stiffly.
Ten minutes later, we pull up at the cemetery. I instantly get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and every part of me wants to run. Sure, I have come here, but no one else knows. It's my secret. I've sat at his grave, plenty of times actually. Just never with someone else. I enjoy this moment alone, my serenity. It’s my time to pretend it’s just the two of us again like old times. Sometimes I sit and talk to Adric for hours on end, telling him everything or nothing at all. It's my only way to cope with him not being here. My mother has tried getting me to come here with her and Zoe, but I always refuse. They don’t understand the connection that me and Adric had. No one but Kellan understands that.
I choke back a sob as my emotions start to take over, overwhelming me. I rarely let anyone see me cry. I won’t let it happen. I won’t let it happen. I repeat in my head in hopes that my body will listen. Usually, my body is pretty good at listening to my mind, but around Kellan, I lose all control.
“Are you ready?” He waits for me to nod before opening the door and getting out of the truck.
I get out as well, closing my eyes, in an attempt to prepare myself. The grass is a bright green and it smells freshly cut. It makes me yearn to take these boots off and let it squish between my toes. I used to love rolling around in the grass as a kid. I remember watching Adric and Kellan play toss with a football and I would sit out on the sidelines, lying flat on my belly, while reading a book or just laughing at them being two goofy boys. Occasionally, they would pull me in to play catch and laugh at me whenever I ran after the ball. I ran like the wind, but always missed. Sometimes I even tried to run so fast to show off, that my legs would buckle and then I would look like a total idiot, face planting into the grass. Those were the good old times. For them at least.
I look out into the clear blue sky that stretches on for miles. It is a beautiful day to come visit my brother and I wish I would have come on the fourth every year. I just couldn’t seem to find it in me. This day was always too dark for me.
The grass is perfectly trimmed as if someone just cut it within the last two days or so. That makes me smile. Last time I came here, the grass looked a little unkempt as if someone either rushed through the maintenance or skipped it all together. It made me sad and angry. My brother’s home should be just as beautiful as he was.
