This Regret
Page 77
Wait! What is he saying? What does that even mean? I feel like I’m going to pass out right now. “What do you mean, it’s mine?” I am beginning to feel anxious.
Exhaling through his nose, Kellan opens the binder and pulls one of the drawings out. He places it in my hand and says, “Flip it over and read the back.”
Fighting to control my nerves and keep my hand in check, I do what he says and flip the paper over. When I see what’s written on the back, tears instantly spring to my eyes and my body seizes up.
Adric Winters- Summer of 2005
For the girl that is more beautiful and colorful than the most beautiful bird in the world, Phoenix. Love you little sis.
I run my fingertips over the paper as little splatters of teardrops drip down, threatening to ruin Adric’s beautiful work.
Kellan notices the tear soaked paper and gently tilts my head to the side so I’m looking at him instead. “Look at me.” He runs his thumb under my eye, wiping away the wetness. “He loved you so much. He worked hard on these because he knew how much you loved them. He would’ve done anything for you and Zoe. When he passed . . .” he chokes on his words a bit before gaining composure. “Well, I took his drawings because he always trusted me with them and I didn’t want them getting lost. I hoped to get this book to you someday, but I didn’t know how. Then when you walked in that day, I just knew you had to see this book. It was the first time I had taken that book out of the display. Even Tyler knows to never touch this book. I told him I’d break his fingers if he does.” He places the book in my hands and cups my face with both of his hands. “I would be honored if you still trust me enough to give you this tattoo even though it was drawn by Adric. I promise you with everything in me that I wouldn’t even attempt to do this for you unless I was positive I could pull it off and not shame Adric or you.” He looks deep into my eyes, stunning me speechless. “I promise you.”
I shake my head in his hands and place my hands to cover his as tears continue to stream down my face. “I trust you, Kellan. I always have. I don’t doubt for one minute that you would ever do anything to hurt me. Others may doubt you, but I don’t. I can’t. You’re too special to ever give up on.”
I say these words because I want him to know that for whatever need he had for leaving when he did, I feel he really did have good reason. As much as I’d like to find out that reason, I just don’t have the heart to scare him away. It would kill me if he left again. Sitting here, looking up at him. I know that now. I know that in my heart, if he left me and I never got to see him again, it would rip my heart out.
Pain is clear in his eyes as he looks at me and I can see his emotions tugging him in different directions, confusing him. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He stands up and turns away from me. “Give me a few minutes.” Then he walks away to the bathroom.
I lay here gripping the binder in my hands, trying my hardest not to cry. I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I just don’t know what to do. I’m happy, sad, anxious and scared as shit, all at the same time. I’m a hot mess right now.
A few minutes later, Kellan walks out of the restroom and flashes me a dimpled grin. “Okay, I’m ready. Do you still want it exactly how you did the first time you came in? It’s going to hurt there, but it will be worth it.”
He takes a seat next to me and his eyes scan mine before resting on my lips. I see the hunger in his eyes as he looks up again waiting on an answer. “I’ll promise to take it easy on you.”
The husky sound in his voice almost makes me think he means something else but I don’t act on it, because I could be wrong. “It’s okay. I think I can handle it.”
I swallow as he scoots closer and cups my face in his hands. His forehead rests on mine, as he looks me in the eyes. His bottom lip twitches closer to mine, the ring almost brushing my lip. “You’re so beautiful it hurts. I never meant to hurt you.”
His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and I watch as his eyes burn with need. He tilts his face closer to mine so his lips brush next to my lips. It makes me anxious, reminding me too much of the moment I shared with Kade days ago. Except this . . . this feels good and right and everything it should be.
“I wish I could make you happy.” He kisses next to my mouth. “Your smile is the only thing that keeps me going when the darkness takes over.” Balling his fist in my hair, he rubs my face with his other hand before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. His kiss is softer this time. Comforting. His tongue is soft against my entrance as he licks my lips asking for permission to enter.
I part my lips and drape my arm around his shoulder as I pull him to me, leaning backwards so he’s lying on top of me. He supports his body weight on one arm as he rubs my face with his other hand, his lips softly sucking, nibbling and controlling mine. In this moment, I am at total peace with the world. This is my little bit of heaven and I never want to let it go.
I place both my hands on his back, running them up his flesh, digging my fingers in. I don’t want to let go. Even with our bodies touching, he still seems too far away. His lips leave mine and I whisper, “You feel so good in my arms.” I kiss his neck. “I never want to let go. Please don’t make me.”
His body stiffens. I’ve hit some kind of nerve. He moves his face so his lips are next to my ear. “Phoenix. It’s not that simple.” He gently runs his hand up my thigh and presses his lips to my neck. “I’ll stay as long as I can. I can promise you that.”
His promise lingers in the air as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best not to get emotional. The thought of him leaving kills me. I can’t think of that now. Right now, I need to get as close as I can. I need to feel him while I can. Kiss him. Touch him. Taste him. Devour him.
I run my hands down his back and grab his ass through his fitted jeans. Oh it feels so good in my hands. He presses his hips between my legs and looks into my eyes. “I want you so bad right now, but I don’t know if it’s the right time. I want you to come stay with me tonight.” His eyes dance in front of me as he waits for me to speak. “Stay with me.”
“All right,” I breathe. “I’ll stay with you.”
He smiles and shifts so he’s sitting up now. His jaw muscles bounce. “I want you sleeping in a bed. With me. Not on the damn floor. After we leave here, you follow me home.” He stands up and grabs the binder. “Are you still up for that tattoo?”
Exhaling through his nose, Kellan opens the binder and pulls one of the drawings out. He places it in my hand and says, “Flip it over and read the back.”
Fighting to control my nerves and keep my hand in check, I do what he says and flip the paper over. When I see what’s written on the back, tears instantly spring to my eyes and my body seizes up.
Adric Winters- Summer of 2005
For the girl that is more beautiful and colorful than the most beautiful bird in the world, Phoenix. Love you little sis.
I run my fingertips over the paper as little splatters of teardrops drip down, threatening to ruin Adric’s beautiful work.
Kellan notices the tear soaked paper and gently tilts my head to the side so I’m looking at him instead. “Look at me.” He runs his thumb under my eye, wiping away the wetness. “He loved you so much. He worked hard on these because he knew how much you loved them. He would’ve done anything for you and Zoe. When he passed . . .” he chokes on his words a bit before gaining composure. “Well, I took his drawings because he always trusted me with them and I didn’t want them getting lost. I hoped to get this book to you someday, but I didn’t know how. Then when you walked in that day, I just knew you had to see this book. It was the first time I had taken that book out of the display. Even Tyler knows to never touch this book. I told him I’d break his fingers if he does.” He places the book in my hands and cups my face with both of his hands. “I would be honored if you still trust me enough to give you this tattoo even though it was drawn by Adric. I promise you with everything in me that I wouldn’t even attempt to do this for you unless I was positive I could pull it off and not shame Adric or you.” He looks deep into my eyes, stunning me speechless. “I promise you.”
I shake my head in his hands and place my hands to cover his as tears continue to stream down my face. “I trust you, Kellan. I always have. I don’t doubt for one minute that you would ever do anything to hurt me. Others may doubt you, but I don’t. I can’t. You’re too special to ever give up on.”
I say these words because I want him to know that for whatever need he had for leaving when he did, I feel he really did have good reason. As much as I’d like to find out that reason, I just don’t have the heart to scare him away. It would kill me if he left again. Sitting here, looking up at him. I know that now. I know that in my heart, if he left me and I never got to see him again, it would rip my heart out.
Pain is clear in his eyes as he looks at me and I can see his emotions tugging him in different directions, confusing him. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He stands up and turns away from me. “Give me a few minutes.” Then he walks away to the bathroom.
I lay here gripping the binder in my hands, trying my hardest not to cry. I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I just don’t know what to do. I’m happy, sad, anxious and scared as shit, all at the same time. I’m a hot mess right now.
A few minutes later, Kellan walks out of the restroom and flashes me a dimpled grin. “Okay, I’m ready. Do you still want it exactly how you did the first time you came in? It’s going to hurt there, but it will be worth it.”
He takes a seat next to me and his eyes scan mine before resting on my lips. I see the hunger in his eyes as he looks up again waiting on an answer. “I’ll promise to take it easy on you.”
The husky sound in his voice almost makes me think he means something else but I don’t act on it, because I could be wrong. “It’s okay. I think I can handle it.”
I swallow as he scoots closer and cups my face in his hands. His forehead rests on mine, as he looks me in the eyes. His bottom lip twitches closer to mine, the ring almost brushing my lip. “You’re so beautiful it hurts. I never meant to hurt you.”
His thumb brushes over my bottom lip and I watch as his eyes burn with need. He tilts his face closer to mine so his lips brush next to my lips. It makes me anxious, reminding me too much of the moment I shared with Kade days ago. Except this . . . this feels good and right and everything it should be.
“I wish I could make you happy.” He kisses next to my mouth. “Your smile is the only thing that keeps me going when the darkness takes over.” Balling his fist in my hair, he rubs my face with his other hand before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. His kiss is softer this time. Comforting. His tongue is soft against my entrance as he licks my lips asking for permission to enter.
I part my lips and drape my arm around his shoulder as I pull him to me, leaning backwards so he’s lying on top of me. He supports his body weight on one arm as he rubs my face with his other hand, his lips softly sucking, nibbling and controlling mine. In this moment, I am at total peace with the world. This is my little bit of heaven and I never want to let it go.
I place both my hands on his back, running them up his flesh, digging my fingers in. I don’t want to let go. Even with our bodies touching, he still seems too far away. His lips leave mine and I whisper, “You feel so good in my arms.” I kiss his neck. “I never want to let go. Please don’t make me.”
His body stiffens. I’ve hit some kind of nerve. He moves his face so his lips are next to my ear. “Phoenix. It’s not that simple.” He gently runs his hand up my thigh and presses his lips to my neck. “I’ll stay as long as I can. I can promise you that.”
His promise lingers in the air as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best not to get emotional. The thought of him leaving kills me. I can’t think of that now. Right now, I need to get as close as I can. I need to feel him while I can. Kiss him. Touch him. Taste him. Devour him.
I run my hands down his back and grab his ass through his fitted jeans. Oh it feels so good in my hands. He presses his hips between my legs and looks into my eyes. “I want you so bad right now, but I don’t know if it’s the right time. I want you to come stay with me tonight.” His eyes dance in front of me as he waits for me to speak. “Stay with me.”
“All right,” I breathe. “I’ll stay with you.”
He smiles and shifts so he’s sitting up now. His jaw muscles bounce. “I want you sleeping in a bed. With me. Not on the damn floor. After we leave here, you follow me home.” He stands up and grabs the binder. “Are you still up for that tattoo?”
