This Regret
Page 96
"Didn't he love us?" I ask softly.
Removing his hands from his face, Kellan leans in close, grabbing my hands and pulling them to his lips so he can look me in the eyes. "What?" he whispers. "Of course he f**king loved you guys. Don't ever question that again. Never, you got that?"
I nod my head and fall into his body. He holds me tight, both of us, quietly taking it all in. Somehow, as hurt as I am, I can't stop there though. I need more and Kellan is the only one with answers.
"Tell me why you left, Kellan."
His body stiffens and he lets go of me, backing away from my touch as if he's ashamed. "I can't do that, Phoenix. Please understand that," he says softly. "I will not put you through that. I will not put that on you. It's mine to bear."
This angers me. I don't understand why he can't just tell me the whole damn truth. Standing up, I search for my clothes, gather them up and walk to the bathroom to change.
When I walk back into the bedroom, Kellan is still sitting on the bed, shirtless with his head in his hands. He tilts his head to look at me when he notices me standing there fully clothed. "Stay," he whispers. "You don't have to leave. I want this to be your home. You deserve so much more than you have right now. Don't go."
I shake my head and back up as he stands, making his way toward me. "No. I'm not going to stay unless you can tell me the full truth. I want all of it. I need to know I can trust you. If you would keep this from me then what else would you keep from me? Why did you leave and why the f**k are you going to leave me again? You don't care about me or Kade do you?"
His jaw hardens and he looks as if I've just slapped him across the face. The look softens my anger, but not enough to give it up. "You don't think I care about you or Kade? You can't be serious. You know me better than that Phoenix. I deserve better than that. I care a lot more than you know." He reaches for my face, but I turn it away. He drops his hands. "I f**king love . . .”
"What Kellan?" I push his chest. "Don't stop there. Are you too much of a coward? Is that why you left? Was Kade right about you? You left us here to rot without you. I f**king needed you. Kade needed you. You're our family. All of us. You left. I loved you. Was that not a good enough reason to stay?" I cry. "You left and I wanted to die along with him because I didn't have either of you."
Before I can get away, his arms are wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly against his body. "You can believe that if you want," he says in defeat. "It's better than the truth. If you knew the truth, you'd never be able to look at me the same way."
I struggle in his arms, but my body is weak from crying. I'm emotionally spent. I feel as if I've just been stabbed in the back and he's slowly twisting the knife through my heart. I have gone too long without the truth and it's all I want. I want to know about the man I love. I want to know why he keeps hurting me. I want to know why he knew about Adric and his drugs, but no one else did. I want to know where Adric got the drugs. Why did this all have to happen?"
"Where did Adric get the drugs, Kellan? Can you at least tell me that?" I'm defeated, knowing I'll probably get nowhere with it, but try regardless. "Please, tell me. That's all I ask. I need to know."
I feel his heart beat quicken against my body and he pulls me even tighter. "I'm sorry. I can't do that to you. Fuck, I can't leave you here alone. You need people you care about to be here. I'm sorry. I would never leave you by choice. Just know that."
"So that's it!" I scream, squirming my way out of his firm grip. "You won't tell me? Fuck you, Kellan!" I look him in the eyes and almost regret what I have to do. "I'm leaving." I grab for my purse and make a run for the door. I don't even care that I might have to walk for a few blocks and then call for a ride. I just need to get out of here. I can't do it. I can't take him hurting me again. He has the power to drain my heart, soul and spirit and he has.
Just as I reach the front door, I feel his hand grip my waist. "Don't leave, dammit. I want you here with me." He pulls me against his chest, slamming his lips to mine. His lips desperately search mine as he tangles his hands through my hair, holding me as if he never wants to let go.
Pulling away from the kiss, I shove him away and reach for the door. “We don't always get what we want. Do we, Kellan?”
He stands there, nostrils flared as he looks me in the eyes. "Phoenix. Don't do this. I'm begging you to stay. I wouldn't do this if I didn't care."
I swallow hard and wipe a hand over my mouth, showing him just how disgusted I am with him at the moment. "You have one last chance. Tell me everything or I walk. Should you choose the latter, I never want to see you again." A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. "Once I'm out that door. I'm done with you. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I've already gone eight years without you, I'm pretty sure I can survive."
I must have hit a nerve with that statement because he looks as if he's about to break. Dammit, this hurts so bad. I can't stand to see him this way. Please just tell me. Tell me so I can stay.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. That's it?
“I guess I got my answer. I guess you don't care about me enough.” With that, I am gone. I'm done with anything that has to do with Kellan. I pull the door open and walk outside, slamming it behind me. I hear things breaking inside as I walk down the steps, but I don't stop. As much as I want to, I can't. He's made his choice and so have I. We're done. I can never look at him the same way knowing he's hiding the most important thing from me. I was so wrong to think he cared. He doesn't. He was right, the old Kellan did die.
* * *
Surprisingly, Kade was pretty fast at picking me up. He tried questioning me, but I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. That made the ride back to my car awkwardly silent, but I didn't care. I will talk about it when I feel I can. I just need a little bit of time to work things out.
Afterward, I went home, cried in the shower and then quickly changed before jumping into my car and taking off. I wanted to get out of there before my sister and mom could wake up. Now, I'm at the Ranch with a few cans lined up, my pistol in my hand and tears streaking my face. I think this occasion definitely calls for blowing off some steam. I need this right now or I'll lose it completely.
Removing his hands from his face, Kellan leans in close, grabbing my hands and pulling them to his lips so he can look me in the eyes. "What?" he whispers. "Of course he f**king loved you guys. Don't ever question that again. Never, you got that?"
I nod my head and fall into his body. He holds me tight, both of us, quietly taking it all in. Somehow, as hurt as I am, I can't stop there though. I need more and Kellan is the only one with answers.
"Tell me why you left, Kellan."
His body stiffens and he lets go of me, backing away from my touch as if he's ashamed. "I can't do that, Phoenix. Please understand that," he says softly. "I will not put you through that. I will not put that on you. It's mine to bear."
This angers me. I don't understand why he can't just tell me the whole damn truth. Standing up, I search for my clothes, gather them up and walk to the bathroom to change.
When I walk back into the bedroom, Kellan is still sitting on the bed, shirtless with his head in his hands. He tilts his head to look at me when he notices me standing there fully clothed. "Stay," he whispers. "You don't have to leave. I want this to be your home. You deserve so much more than you have right now. Don't go."
I shake my head and back up as he stands, making his way toward me. "No. I'm not going to stay unless you can tell me the full truth. I want all of it. I need to know I can trust you. If you would keep this from me then what else would you keep from me? Why did you leave and why the f**k are you going to leave me again? You don't care about me or Kade do you?"
His jaw hardens and he looks as if I've just slapped him across the face. The look softens my anger, but not enough to give it up. "You don't think I care about you or Kade? You can't be serious. You know me better than that Phoenix. I deserve better than that. I care a lot more than you know." He reaches for my face, but I turn it away. He drops his hands. "I f**king love . . .”
"What Kellan?" I push his chest. "Don't stop there. Are you too much of a coward? Is that why you left? Was Kade right about you? You left us here to rot without you. I f**king needed you. Kade needed you. You're our family. All of us. You left. I loved you. Was that not a good enough reason to stay?" I cry. "You left and I wanted to die along with him because I didn't have either of you."
Before I can get away, his arms are wrapped around me, squeezing me tightly against his body. "You can believe that if you want," he says in defeat. "It's better than the truth. If you knew the truth, you'd never be able to look at me the same way."
I struggle in his arms, but my body is weak from crying. I'm emotionally spent. I feel as if I've just been stabbed in the back and he's slowly twisting the knife through my heart. I have gone too long without the truth and it's all I want. I want to know about the man I love. I want to know why he keeps hurting me. I want to know why he knew about Adric and his drugs, but no one else did. I want to know where Adric got the drugs. Why did this all have to happen?"
"Where did Adric get the drugs, Kellan? Can you at least tell me that?" I'm defeated, knowing I'll probably get nowhere with it, but try regardless. "Please, tell me. That's all I ask. I need to know."
I feel his heart beat quicken against my body and he pulls me even tighter. "I'm sorry. I can't do that to you. Fuck, I can't leave you here alone. You need people you care about to be here. I'm sorry. I would never leave you by choice. Just know that."
"So that's it!" I scream, squirming my way out of his firm grip. "You won't tell me? Fuck you, Kellan!" I look him in the eyes and almost regret what I have to do. "I'm leaving." I grab for my purse and make a run for the door. I don't even care that I might have to walk for a few blocks and then call for a ride. I just need to get out of here. I can't do it. I can't take him hurting me again. He has the power to drain my heart, soul and spirit and he has.
Just as I reach the front door, I feel his hand grip my waist. "Don't leave, dammit. I want you here with me." He pulls me against his chest, slamming his lips to mine. His lips desperately search mine as he tangles his hands through my hair, holding me as if he never wants to let go.
Pulling away from the kiss, I shove him away and reach for the door. “We don't always get what we want. Do we, Kellan?”
He stands there, nostrils flared as he looks me in the eyes. "Phoenix. Don't do this. I'm begging you to stay. I wouldn't do this if I didn't care."
I swallow hard and wipe a hand over my mouth, showing him just how disgusted I am with him at the moment. "You have one last chance. Tell me everything or I walk. Should you choose the latter, I never want to see you again." A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. "Once I'm out that door. I'm done with you. I never want to talk to you or see you again. I've already gone eight years without you, I'm pretty sure I can survive."
I must have hit a nerve with that statement because he looks as if he's about to break. Dammit, this hurts so bad. I can't stand to see him this way. Please just tell me. Tell me so I can stay.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. That's it?
“I guess I got my answer. I guess you don't care about me enough.” With that, I am gone. I'm done with anything that has to do with Kellan. I pull the door open and walk outside, slamming it behind me. I hear things breaking inside as I walk down the steps, but I don't stop. As much as I want to, I can't. He's made his choice and so have I. We're done. I can never look at him the same way knowing he's hiding the most important thing from me. I was so wrong to think he cared. He doesn't. He was right, the old Kellan did die.
* * *
Surprisingly, Kade was pretty fast at picking me up. He tried questioning me, but I kept telling him I didn't want to talk about it. That made the ride back to my car awkwardly silent, but I didn't care. I will talk about it when I feel I can. I just need a little bit of time to work things out.
Afterward, I went home, cried in the shower and then quickly changed before jumping into my car and taking off. I wanted to get out of there before my sister and mom could wake up. Now, I'm at the Ranch with a few cans lined up, my pistol in my hand and tears streaking my face. I think this occasion definitely calls for blowing off some steam. I need this right now or I'll lose it completely.
