Thoughtless
Page 48
He watched my eyes intensely. "You love what I do to you." He ran his tongue up my throat, licking the rain from my still damp skin. I shivered. "You ache for it," he whispered. "It's me you want, not him," he persisted.
I ran my fingers through his hair, as he moved against me again. I started bringing my hips up to meet his. It intensified it for both of us and he groaned at the exact same time, and in the exact same way that I did. The windows steamed up with our heavy breathing. God, I hated him. God, I wanted him.
I pulled his jacket off his shoulders, telling myself that I only wanted him to be as cold and miserable as I was. He tore it the rest of the way off, an eager look in his eyes, and tossed it in the back seat. Fire burned through me at the feel of his perfect chest so close to mine. An angry fire, like molten lava.
I tried to bring him to my lips, he pulled back. That made me mad. I tried to touch his open mouth with my tongue, he pulled back. That pissed me off, and I ran my nails down his back, hard. He made an odd aroused-pained sound and dropped his head to my shoulder, digging his hips into me even harder. I cried out and grabbed his back jeans pockets, pulling him tighter to me, curling my legs around his hips.
"No, I want him..." I moaned, as I clutched him to me.
"No, you want me..." he muttered into my neck.
"No, he would never touch my sister," I spat angrily. "You promised, you promised, Kellan!" My anger at that resurfaced, and I tried to push him away again, tried to squirm out from under him.
"That's already done with. I can't change it." He grabbed my hands and pinned them on either side of my head, digging his hips into me again. I gasped and made a noise deep in my throat. "But this... Stop fighting, Kiera. Just say you want this. Tell me you want me...like I want you." He brought his mouth to hover over mine again, his eyes blazed. "I already know you do..."
He kissed me then, finally...
I groaned in his mouth and took him eagerly. He released my hands and I tangled them back in his hair. He kissed me deeply, passionately. His hands twisted back in my wet hair, pulling the elastic band out. His hips continued rocking into mine.
"No..." I ran my hands down his back, "I hate..." I grabbed his hips and pulled him into me, "...you." We kissed hard and heavy for an eternity. Between pants, I continued spewing how much I hated him. Around my lips, he kept telling me I didn't.
"This is wrong," I moaned, my hands running up under his shirt to feel his fabulously hard body.
His hands ran everywhere along mine - my hair, my face, my breasts, my hips. "I know..." he breathed, "but, god, you feel so good."
The continuous grinding motion was escalating, I either needed something more...or I needed it to stop. Then, as if reading my thoughts, he stopped kissing me and pulled back. Panting with need, he dropped his hands to my jeans. No...yes...no, I thought frantically, not able to decipher my own rapidly swinging emotions. He began to unbutton them, staring at me intently, angrily - just as I was staring at him. There was so much heat between us, I thought for sure we would both ignite.
On the last of the four buttons, I grabbed his wrists and brought his hands up over my head and against the door, holding him against me. I wrapped my fingers around his tightly and he groaned intensely as our bodies pressed together again. "Stop it, Kiera," he snarled. "I need you. Let me do this. I can make you forget him. I can make you forget you."
I shuddered, knowing he was absolutely right.
He pulled a hand free from my weaker grasp and trailed it down my chest, back to my jeans, his lips on my neck with an intense fervor. "God, I want inside you..." he growled intensely in my ear.
Electricity shot through me as my entire body reacted to his words; my body desperately wanted that too. My head however could not get the image of him being this intimate with my sister out of it. "Stop it, Kellan!" I hissed at him.
"Why?" he hissed back, his lips brushing my neck giving me chills. "It's what you want...what you beg for!" he growled, slipping his hand into my jeans, on the outside of my underwear.
The closeness was too much - his touch promising me unimaginable pleasure. I moaned loudly and closed my eyes. Quickly reopening them, I grabbed his neck and brought his face right to mine. I was so angry.... His heavy breath was ragged, and he inhaled through his teeth and groaned. God, he was just as turned on as I was.
"No...I don't want you to." I was saying no, but his finger was tracing the edge of my underwear along my thigh, and my voice broke halfway through. It sounded like anything but a refusal. I moved my hand from his neck, to try and move his fingers away from me, knowing that if he actually touched me - well, game over - but he was stronger, and his fingers stayed temptingly close.
"I can feel how much you do want me to, Kiera." His eyes burned with a deep, smoldering desire as he watched me. I could see how difficult this was for him, how much more he wanted. He groaned heavily, his face a mixture of painful need and lingering anger - it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen. "I want you...now. I can't take any more," he said breathlessly, and ripped free his other hand that I was still holding, bringing them both to my jeans. He quickly started tugging the wet fabric down. "God, Kiera. I need this..."
"Wait! Kellan...stop! I...I need a minute. Please...I just need a minute..."
Our old code phrase for, "I'm way too riled up, please step back," seemed to penetrate through his passion. He stopped his hands. He stared at me with those intensely smoldering eyes and my breath caught at his gorgeousness. I made myself say it again, with great effort.
"I need a minute," I panted the words.
He stared at me for a second longer. "Shit!" he exclaimed suddenly. I flinched, but said nothing. I couldn't get another word out anyway.
He sat up, his eyes still wild with passion, and ran his hand through his damp hair. He swallowed roughly and glared over at me, his breath heavy and ragged. "Shit!" he said again, hitting the door behind him angrily.
Watching him warily, I buttoned my jeans and slowly sat up, trying to slow my breathing and my heartbeat.
"You...are..." He immediately shut his mouth and angrily shook his head. Before I could respond, he opened the door and stepped out into the freezing, pouring rain. I peered out the open car door to watch him, feeling really stupid and quite unsure what to do.
"Fuck!" he yelled as he kicked the car tire. The rain was sheeting now, and it ran down him, quickly re-soaking his hair and soaking his body. He kicked the tire a few more times, shouting other obscenities. I gaped at his tantrum. Finally he walked away from the car and clenching his fists, yelled loudly to the empty street, "FUUUUCK!!"
Panting in a mix of passion and rage, he put his hands over his face, and then ran them back through his hair. He left them tangled there and tilted his head up to the sky, closing his eyes and letting the rain completely soak him, cool him. Slowly, his breath became more even, and he let his arms fall to his sides, palms slightly up, welcoming the rain.
He stayed that way for an achingly long time. I watched him from the relative warmth and dryness of the car. He was breathtakingly handsome - his wet hair slicked back from his fingers, his face relaxed and tilted up to the sky, his eyes closed, his lips parted, his even breath sending droplets of water away from him, rain streaming down his face, water running down his bare arms to his upturned hands, his light shirt clinging to every muscle of his unbelievable body, his jeans soaked and clinging to his legs. He was beyond perfection. He was also starting to shake from the cold.
"Kellan?" I called out over the sound of the rain.
He didn't answer me. He didn't move other than to raise a hand towards me, one finger up - he was taking a minute.
"It's freezing...please come back to the car," I pleaded.
He slowly shook his head, no.
I wasn't sure what he was doing, but I was sure he was going to freeze to death out there. "I'm sorry, please come back."
He clenched his jaw, still angry apparently. He shook his head no again.
I sighed. "Damn it," I muttered and bracing myself, I went back out into the downpour.
He opened his eyes and looked at me with a furrowed brow as I approached. Still very angry then. "Get back in the car, Kiera." He bit off each word, the passion in his eyes replaced with coldness as icy as the rain.
I swallowed under his intense gaze. "Not without you." He couldn't just stay out here in this. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably from the cold now.
"Get in the damn car! For once, just listen to me!" he yelled at me.
I took a step back from his outburst, and then my temper flared. "No! Talk to me. Don't hide out here, talk to me!" I was getting soaked now too in the freezing rain, but I didn't care.
He took an angry step towards me. "What do you want me to say?" he yelled.
"Why won't you leave me alone? Tell me that! I told you before that it was over, that I wanted Denny. But you still torment me..." My voice cracked with my anger.
"Torment you? You're the one who..." He stopped talking and looked away from me.
"The one who what?" I yelled back angrily.
I should have left him alone. I never should have pushed his buttons...
Abruptly, he snapped his eyes back to mine. They blazed furiously and he smiled coldly. "Do you really want to know what I'm thinking right now?" He took another step, and I involuntarily took a step back. "I'm thinking...that you...are a fucking tease, and I should have just fucked you anyway!" I gaped at him, my face pale, as he took another angry step to stand right in front of me. "I should fuck you right now, like the whore you really-"
He didn't finish saying the words before I slapped him hard across the face. Any sympathy I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any tender emotion that I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any friendship I felt for him immediately vanished. I wanted him to vanish. Tears sprang to my eyes.
Really pissed off now, he pushed me roughly back into the car. "You started this. All of this! Where did you think our 'innocent' flirting was heading? How long did you think you could lead me on?" Roughly, he grabbed my arm. "Do I still...torment you? Do you still want me?"
The tears streaming down my face were lost in the downpour of rain. I yelled, "No...now I really do hate you!"
"Good! Then get in the fucking car!" he yelled and shoved me into the open door.
I fumbled my way into the seat, starting to cry, and he slammed the door shut behind me. I flinched at the angry noise. I wanted to go home. I wanted the safety and comfort of Denny. I never wanted to see Kellan again.
He paced for a long time outside, probably trying to calm down, while I cried on the inside, watching him and wanting to be far away from him. Then he stalked over to the driver's side and slid in the seat, slamming his door behind him. "Damn it!" he said suddenly, slamming his hand on the steering wheel. "Damn it, damn it, damn it, Kiera." He slammed his hands repeatedly on the wheel and I flinched away from him.
He sunk his head down to the wheel and left it there. "Damn it, I never should have stayed here..." he muttered. He raised his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. I was extremely wet, but he was drenched, water dripped off him everywhere. He sniffed and shook with the cold, his lips were nearly blue and his face was very pale.
I turned away from him, still crying miserably, as he finally started the car. We waited in awkward silence as he blasted the heat. We sat in that silence for a second, then he sniffed and quietly said, "I'm sorry, Kiera. I shouldn't have said that to you. None of that should have happened."
I could only cry in response.
He sighed, then reached behind him and grabbed my jacket from the back seat. I took a look and saw my bag back there too; he had picked them up for me. I swallowed a lump in my throat as he handed me the jacket in silence. I slipped it on, grateful, but equally silent. Without either of us saying another word, he drove us home.
Pulling up to the driveway and shutting off the car, he immediately exited into the still pouring rain and went inside the house, leaving me alone staring after him. Swallowing again, I went inside and up the stairs. I stopped at his door. He was in there - I could see the wet footprints in the carpet. I hated him. I looked over at my door, where Denny was waiting for me, most likely asleep, then back to Kellan's door. I wished Denny and I were back in Ohio, back safely with my parents. Then in the silence, I heard a sound I never expected to hear - ever. I took a deep breath and opened Kellan's door without knocking first, closing it soundlessly behind me.
I ran my fingers through his hair, as he moved against me again. I started bringing my hips up to meet his. It intensified it for both of us and he groaned at the exact same time, and in the exact same way that I did. The windows steamed up with our heavy breathing. God, I hated him. God, I wanted him.
I pulled his jacket off his shoulders, telling myself that I only wanted him to be as cold and miserable as I was. He tore it the rest of the way off, an eager look in his eyes, and tossed it in the back seat. Fire burned through me at the feel of his perfect chest so close to mine. An angry fire, like molten lava.
I tried to bring him to my lips, he pulled back. That made me mad. I tried to touch his open mouth with my tongue, he pulled back. That pissed me off, and I ran my nails down his back, hard. He made an odd aroused-pained sound and dropped his head to my shoulder, digging his hips into me even harder. I cried out and grabbed his back jeans pockets, pulling him tighter to me, curling my legs around his hips.
"No, I want him..." I moaned, as I clutched him to me.
"No, you want me..." he muttered into my neck.
"No, he would never touch my sister," I spat angrily. "You promised, you promised, Kellan!" My anger at that resurfaced, and I tried to push him away again, tried to squirm out from under him.
"That's already done with. I can't change it." He grabbed my hands and pinned them on either side of my head, digging his hips into me again. I gasped and made a noise deep in my throat. "But this... Stop fighting, Kiera. Just say you want this. Tell me you want me...like I want you." He brought his mouth to hover over mine again, his eyes blazed. "I already know you do..."
He kissed me then, finally...
I groaned in his mouth and took him eagerly. He released my hands and I tangled them back in his hair. He kissed me deeply, passionately. His hands twisted back in my wet hair, pulling the elastic band out. His hips continued rocking into mine.
"No..." I ran my hands down his back, "I hate..." I grabbed his hips and pulled him into me, "...you." We kissed hard and heavy for an eternity. Between pants, I continued spewing how much I hated him. Around my lips, he kept telling me I didn't.
"This is wrong," I moaned, my hands running up under his shirt to feel his fabulously hard body.
His hands ran everywhere along mine - my hair, my face, my breasts, my hips. "I know..." he breathed, "but, god, you feel so good."
The continuous grinding motion was escalating, I either needed something more...or I needed it to stop. Then, as if reading my thoughts, he stopped kissing me and pulled back. Panting with need, he dropped his hands to my jeans. No...yes...no, I thought frantically, not able to decipher my own rapidly swinging emotions. He began to unbutton them, staring at me intently, angrily - just as I was staring at him. There was so much heat between us, I thought for sure we would both ignite.
On the last of the four buttons, I grabbed his wrists and brought his hands up over my head and against the door, holding him against me. I wrapped my fingers around his tightly and he groaned intensely as our bodies pressed together again. "Stop it, Kiera," he snarled. "I need you. Let me do this. I can make you forget him. I can make you forget you."
I shuddered, knowing he was absolutely right.
He pulled a hand free from my weaker grasp and trailed it down my chest, back to my jeans, his lips on my neck with an intense fervor. "God, I want inside you..." he growled intensely in my ear.
Electricity shot through me as my entire body reacted to his words; my body desperately wanted that too. My head however could not get the image of him being this intimate with my sister out of it. "Stop it, Kellan!" I hissed at him.
"Why?" he hissed back, his lips brushing my neck giving me chills. "It's what you want...what you beg for!" he growled, slipping his hand into my jeans, on the outside of my underwear.
The closeness was too much - his touch promising me unimaginable pleasure. I moaned loudly and closed my eyes. Quickly reopening them, I grabbed his neck and brought his face right to mine. I was so angry.... His heavy breath was ragged, and he inhaled through his teeth and groaned. God, he was just as turned on as I was.
"No...I don't want you to." I was saying no, but his finger was tracing the edge of my underwear along my thigh, and my voice broke halfway through. It sounded like anything but a refusal. I moved my hand from his neck, to try and move his fingers away from me, knowing that if he actually touched me - well, game over - but he was stronger, and his fingers stayed temptingly close.
"I can feel how much you do want me to, Kiera." His eyes burned with a deep, smoldering desire as he watched me. I could see how difficult this was for him, how much more he wanted. He groaned heavily, his face a mixture of painful need and lingering anger - it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen. "I want you...now. I can't take any more," he said breathlessly, and ripped free his other hand that I was still holding, bringing them both to my jeans. He quickly started tugging the wet fabric down. "God, Kiera. I need this..."
"Wait! Kellan...stop! I...I need a minute. Please...I just need a minute..."
Our old code phrase for, "I'm way too riled up, please step back," seemed to penetrate through his passion. He stopped his hands. He stared at me with those intensely smoldering eyes and my breath caught at his gorgeousness. I made myself say it again, with great effort.
"I need a minute," I panted the words.
He stared at me for a second longer. "Shit!" he exclaimed suddenly. I flinched, but said nothing. I couldn't get another word out anyway.
He sat up, his eyes still wild with passion, and ran his hand through his damp hair. He swallowed roughly and glared over at me, his breath heavy and ragged. "Shit!" he said again, hitting the door behind him angrily.
Watching him warily, I buttoned my jeans and slowly sat up, trying to slow my breathing and my heartbeat.
"You...are..." He immediately shut his mouth and angrily shook his head. Before I could respond, he opened the door and stepped out into the freezing, pouring rain. I peered out the open car door to watch him, feeling really stupid and quite unsure what to do.
"Fuck!" he yelled as he kicked the car tire. The rain was sheeting now, and it ran down him, quickly re-soaking his hair and soaking his body. He kicked the tire a few more times, shouting other obscenities. I gaped at his tantrum. Finally he walked away from the car and clenching his fists, yelled loudly to the empty street, "FUUUUCK!!"
Panting in a mix of passion and rage, he put his hands over his face, and then ran them back through his hair. He left them tangled there and tilted his head up to the sky, closing his eyes and letting the rain completely soak him, cool him. Slowly, his breath became more even, and he let his arms fall to his sides, palms slightly up, welcoming the rain.
He stayed that way for an achingly long time. I watched him from the relative warmth and dryness of the car. He was breathtakingly handsome - his wet hair slicked back from his fingers, his face relaxed and tilted up to the sky, his eyes closed, his lips parted, his even breath sending droplets of water away from him, rain streaming down his face, water running down his bare arms to his upturned hands, his light shirt clinging to every muscle of his unbelievable body, his jeans soaked and clinging to his legs. He was beyond perfection. He was also starting to shake from the cold.
"Kellan?" I called out over the sound of the rain.
He didn't answer me. He didn't move other than to raise a hand towards me, one finger up - he was taking a minute.
"It's freezing...please come back to the car," I pleaded.
He slowly shook his head, no.
I wasn't sure what he was doing, but I was sure he was going to freeze to death out there. "I'm sorry, please come back."
He clenched his jaw, still angry apparently. He shook his head no again.
I sighed. "Damn it," I muttered and bracing myself, I went back out into the downpour.
He opened his eyes and looked at me with a furrowed brow as I approached. Still very angry then. "Get back in the car, Kiera." He bit off each word, the passion in his eyes replaced with coldness as icy as the rain.
I swallowed under his intense gaze. "Not without you." He couldn't just stay out here in this. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably from the cold now.
"Get in the damn car! For once, just listen to me!" he yelled at me.
I took a step back from his outburst, and then my temper flared. "No! Talk to me. Don't hide out here, talk to me!" I was getting soaked now too in the freezing rain, but I didn't care.
He took an angry step towards me. "What do you want me to say?" he yelled.
"Why won't you leave me alone? Tell me that! I told you before that it was over, that I wanted Denny. But you still torment me..." My voice cracked with my anger.
"Torment you? You're the one who..." He stopped talking and looked away from me.
"The one who what?" I yelled back angrily.
I should have left him alone. I never should have pushed his buttons...
Abruptly, he snapped his eyes back to mine. They blazed furiously and he smiled coldly. "Do you really want to know what I'm thinking right now?" He took another step, and I involuntarily took a step back. "I'm thinking...that you...are a fucking tease, and I should have just fucked you anyway!" I gaped at him, my face pale, as he took another angry step to stand right in front of me. "I should fuck you right now, like the whore you really-"
He didn't finish saying the words before I slapped him hard across the face. Any sympathy I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any tender emotion that I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any friendship I felt for him immediately vanished. I wanted him to vanish. Tears sprang to my eyes.
Really pissed off now, he pushed me roughly back into the car. "You started this. All of this! Where did you think our 'innocent' flirting was heading? How long did you think you could lead me on?" Roughly, he grabbed my arm. "Do I still...torment you? Do you still want me?"
The tears streaming down my face were lost in the downpour of rain. I yelled, "No...now I really do hate you!"
"Good! Then get in the fucking car!" he yelled and shoved me into the open door.
I fumbled my way into the seat, starting to cry, and he slammed the door shut behind me. I flinched at the angry noise. I wanted to go home. I wanted the safety and comfort of Denny. I never wanted to see Kellan again.
He paced for a long time outside, probably trying to calm down, while I cried on the inside, watching him and wanting to be far away from him. Then he stalked over to the driver's side and slid in the seat, slamming his door behind him. "Damn it!" he said suddenly, slamming his hand on the steering wheel. "Damn it, damn it, damn it, Kiera." He slammed his hands repeatedly on the wheel and I flinched away from him.
He sunk his head down to the wheel and left it there. "Damn it, I never should have stayed here..." he muttered. He raised his head and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. I was extremely wet, but he was drenched, water dripped off him everywhere. He sniffed and shook with the cold, his lips were nearly blue and his face was very pale.
I turned away from him, still crying miserably, as he finally started the car. We waited in awkward silence as he blasted the heat. We sat in that silence for a second, then he sniffed and quietly said, "I'm sorry, Kiera. I shouldn't have said that to you. None of that should have happened."
I could only cry in response.
He sighed, then reached behind him and grabbed my jacket from the back seat. I took a look and saw my bag back there too; he had picked them up for me. I swallowed a lump in my throat as he handed me the jacket in silence. I slipped it on, grateful, but equally silent. Without either of us saying another word, he drove us home.
Pulling up to the driveway and shutting off the car, he immediately exited into the still pouring rain and went inside the house, leaving me alone staring after him. Swallowing again, I went inside and up the stairs. I stopped at his door. He was in there - I could see the wet footprints in the carpet. I hated him. I looked over at my door, where Denny was waiting for me, most likely asleep, then back to Kellan's door. I wished Denny and I were back in Ohio, back safely with my parents. Then in the silence, I heard a sound I never expected to hear - ever. I took a deep breath and opened Kellan's door without knocking first, closing it soundlessly behind me.
