Thoughtless
Page 78
He shrugged and laughed. "That sounds weird, I know. I'm no psychologist or anything. Anyway, I think that's what he saw in you...why he risked it. I think I understand what you meant to him." He put his hand on my shoulder. "What you mean to him."
I brought a hand to my mouth and held in a cry. I was sure Evan didn't know everything about Kellan's upbringing, but he understood a lot more than Kellan probably realized he did. He smiled sadly at my reaction and shrugged again. "I'm not trying to hurt you or anything. I guess, I just wanted you to know that he still thinks about you."
With tears freely flowing down my cheeks, we said our goodbyes and he walked away, waving. I couldn't tell Evan that even though I knew I'd meant something to Kellan at one point, and maybe, he did still think about me...I also knew from Matt's slipup that he was trying to get with other people. I liked to think that it was hard for him, that he was forcing himself to do it, but, Kellan had every right to try and move on from me. I'd hurt him so badly. But I couldn't mention that to Evan. That part of Kellan's life, I did not want to talk about...with anyone.
And even though I missed my D-Bags, I was a little glad that I didn't see them more often. It hurt too much. And of course, the one that I really wanted to see, stayed completely hidden away from me...and I let him, even though it kind of killed me.
Chapter 26
Love and Loneliness
It was March, and the air was still crisp with the last edge of winter lacing it, but a smell of renewal was in the air too. The cherry blossoms at the University were in full bloom, and the quad was bursting with blushing pink flowers that lifted my leaden heart whenever I walked through it.
It had been a hard winter for me. Being alone wasn't something I enjoyed, and I'd had to endure a lot of alone time lately. My sister was a social butterfly, and had quickly amassed a bevy of beautiful Hooters girls to party with; I heard they were in line to be in the "Girls of Hooters" calendar next year.
Jenny tried to take me out on occasion, but we had different schedules, and lining up a night when we were both off work and I wasn't doing something for school, was tricky. We did manage to see a movie every now and then, or grab some coffee before her shift, but it wasn't nearly as often as I would have liked.
School kept me busy, work kept me busy, and even staying in contact with Denny kept me busy. Since our time zones were so far apart, it gave "phone tag" a whole new meaning. But my heart couldn't possibly be kept busy enough to not miss Kellan. That just wasn't possible.
I may have been forced through a three month rehab with our self-imposed separation, but my underlying addiction was still there, and it beat and coursed deep throughout my veins. I could almost hear his name with my heartbeat and I berated myself for my stupid mistake every day. How could I have been so scared and foolish, to push away such a wonderful man?
My sister inadvertently brought that ache right to the surface one night. She was in the bathroom getting ready to hit a club with some friends. She was drying her silky hair, head bent over, letting the dryer give her already perfect locks extra volume. I walked by, just as she flipped up and fluffed out her tresses. She was wearing a backless triangle top, that was going to be much too cold for outside, but that wasn't what got my attention. It was the sparkle at her neck.
I stopped in the doorway, my mouth dropping open and my eyes watering. "Where did you get that?" I could barely even form the words.
She looked at me, confused for a minute, and then noticed my eyes locked onto the necklace around her throat. "Oh, this?" She shrugged and the necklace slid up and down her creamy skin. "It was stuck in with my stuff. I'm not sure where it came from. It's pretty though, huh?"
I couldn't speak again, as I stared in disbelief at the silver guitar necklace that Kellan had lovingly said goodbye to me with. The large diamond twinkled in the bathroom lights and my tearful vision amplified the sparkle until a rainbow streaked across my eyes.
My sister seemed to notice that I was starting to break down. "Oh god...is this yours, Kiera?"
I blinked and my vision cleared, as tears dropped down my cheeks. I watched her hastily reach behind her neck to unclasp it. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." Her fingers practically flung it at me, as she held it away from her.
"It's okay," I mumbled. "I just thought I'd lost it." Or Kellan had removed it.
She nodded and pulled me into a tight hug, lacing the necklace around me, since I still seemed reluctant to touch it. As she clasped it around my neck, she whispered, "Did Kellan give this to you?"
As she pulled away, I nodded, more tears dripping down my cheeks. "The night...he was leaving, the night we got caught." I ran my fingers down the silver piece and it seemed both burning and cooling to my touch.
My sister watched my face a minute and then ran a hand through my hair. "Why don't you go see him, Kiera? He's always at Pete's, and he still looks so..."
I shook my head and didn't let her finish. "I only ever hurt him. He wanted this...he wanted space." I looked up at her and exhaled brokenly. "I'm trying to do what's best for him...for once. Besides, I'm sure he's moved on by now."
She smiled sadly as she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "You're an idiot, Kiera," she said softly, but warmly.
I smiled sadly back at her. "I know."
She shook her head and seemed to swallow back an emotion. "Well, why don't you come out with us girls then?" She shook her hips alluringly. "Go dancing with me."
I sighed, remembering the last time I went dancing with Anna. "I don't think so. I'm just gonna stay here, crash on the couch."
She twisted her lips as she leaned into the bathroom mirror to start doing her makeup. "Oh good...something new," she muttered sarcastically.
I rolled my eyes at her and walked away. "Have fun...and wear a coat."
"Sure thing, Mom," she shouted back playfully, as I walked down the hallway to the living room.
It was raining outside and I watched the slanting drops hit the window and roll down it like tears. The rain always reminded me of Kellan - him standing in it, letting it soak every part of him. Angry and hurt, and trying to stay away from me, so he didn't lash out at me. Crazy in love with me, even when I turned him away for someone else. I couldn't even imagine what that must have felt like for him.
How could I see him...after everything I'd done to him? My chest hurt though. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of trying to stay busy so he wouldn't enter my head, he did anyway. And mostly, I was tired of remembering the hazy version of him in my memory. More than anything else, I wanted the sharp, crystal-clear and perfect version of him right in front of me.
Without thinking about it, I sat in his chair. I didn't ever sit there. It was too hard, being on something that had belonged to him. I sank into the cushions and laid my head back. I imagined it was his chest I was leaning against, and a soft smile came to my lips. I touched the lost but found again necklace and closed my eyes. I could almost see him more clearly this way. I could almost even smell him.
I turned my face farther into the fabrics and startled when I realized that I could smell him. My hand clenched the cushion near my head and brought it to me. It didn't smell like the overwhelmingly wonderful scent that lingered on his skin, but it had the faint smell of him that lingered in his house. It smelled like his home, and to me, that smell was more binding than the childhood feeling I'd gotten at my parents' house.
He was my home...and I missed him terribly.
Anna came out of the bathroom as I was inhaling the chair and, feeling stupid, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked out the window again. "Are you okay, Kiera?" she asked quietly.
"I'll be fine, Anna," I answered indirectly.
She bit her perfect red lip and looked like she wanted to talk about something. Then she shook her head and asked, "Do you mind if I borrow the car, since you're staying here?"
"No...go ahead." I often let her take it when I didn't need it, and aside from work and school, I rarely needed it.
She sighed and coming over to me, kissed my head softly. "Don't mope all night."
I smiled up at her warmly. "Sure thing, Mom."
She laughed charmingly and grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen. She said goodnight before quickly leaving. She didn't take a coat and I shook my head at her. I traced the fabric of the chair under my fingers and wondered what to do.
I briefly considered calling Denny. Brisbane was seventeen hours ahead of Seattle, and he would be in the middle of his Saturday afternoon. He would probably answer at this hour, but I was reluctant to talk to him. Not that I had any qualms about calling him, we talked frequently, and had moved into a "friendly exes" stage. No, what made me hesitate was the fact that last month he'd told me that he'd asked a girl out on a date. At first I'd been hurt, then surprised that he'd mention such a personal fact to me, but I'd settled on happy. He should date. He should be happy. He was too wonderful to be anything else.
The next few phone calls from him included brief snippets about her and, as of last week, they were still together and doing well. I knew that was a good thing, and a part of me was thrilled for him, but I was feeling really lonely tonight and I didn't want the happy tone of his voice reminding me just how unhappy I was. Besides, he really shouldn't be getting calls on the weekend from his "ex" if he was seeing someone new. And he was probably with her right now, playing in the ocean or lying on the beach. I wondered briefly if they were kissing, right at this moment. Then I wondered if they were sleeping together, and I clenched my stomach and forced myself to not think about it. It didn't matter if they were...we'd let each other go in that respect. Of course, that didn't mean I liked the thought.
I ended up curling up on Kellan's chair with a warm blanket and watching a sad movie - one where the hero dies and everyone is broken, but endures their grief to make his sacrifice mean something. I was blubbering long before the actual death scene.
My eyes were red and raw and I'm sure my nose was dripping like a faucet, when the door to my apartment suddenly banged open. I spun my head to look at the door, alarmed, and then brought my brows together in confusion when I saw my sister standing there.
"Anna...are you okay?" She strode over to me and without a word, yanked me off the chair. "Anna! What are you...?"
The words were halted as she pulled me forcefully to the bathroom. She cleaned me up, and slapped on some lipstick and brushed my hair, while I sputtered inquisitions and tried to hold her back. My sister doesn't give up easily though, and she had me cleaned up and was shoving me towards the front door, before I even really knew what was going on.
I realized she was absconding with me, as she opened the door. I muttered, no, and braced myself on the doorframe. She sighed and I looked back at her, irritated. She leaned into me and very intently said, "You need to see something."
That confused me so much that I dropped my hands and she successfully shoved me out of the door. She dragged me to Denny's Honda as I sulked and pouted. I didn't want to go dancing with her. I wanted to go back to my cave of perpetual mourning, and finish my sad movie. At least that movie made my life seem cheery in comparison.
She sat me in the car and pointed at me harshly to stay put. I sighed and sank back into the familiar seats, sort of wishing the car still felt like Denny, and sort of glad nearly all trace of him was gone from the vehicle. It was now littered with lip gloss, empty shoe boxes, and a spare Hooters uniform.
I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted while my sister got in and drove us away. As she didn't take any of the roads that would take us towards the Square, where most of the clubs were, I started wondering where we were going. When we got onto a road that was so familiar it made my chest hurt, I started panicking. I knew exactly where she was taking me on this Friday night.
"No, Anna...please. I don't want to go there. I can't see him, I can't listen to him." I clutched at her arm and tried to physically turn the wheel, but she batted me away effortlessly.
"Calm down, Kiera. Remember...I'm doing the thinking for you now, and there is something that you need to witness. Something I should have showed you awhile ago. Something that even I hope to someday..." Her voice trailed off as she stared out the windows, almost longingly.
I brought a hand to my mouth and held in a cry. I was sure Evan didn't know everything about Kellan's upbringing, but he understood a lot more than Kellan probably realized he did. He smiled sadly at my reaction and shrugged again. "I'm not trying to hurt you or anything. I guess, I just wanted you to know that he still thinks about you."
With tears freely flowing down my cheeks, we said our goodbyes and he walked away, waving. I couldn't tell Evan that even though I knew I'd meant something to Kellan at one point, and maybe, he did still think about me...I also knew from Matt's slipup that he was trying to get with other people. I liked to think that it was hard for him, that he was forcing himself to do it, but, Kellan had every right to try and move on from me. I'd hurt him so badly. But I couldn't mention that to Evan. That part of Kellan's life, I did not want to talk about...with anyone.
And even though I missed my D-Bags, I was a little glad that I didn't see them more often. It hurt too much. And of course, the one that I really wanted to see, stayed completely hidden away from me...and I let him, even though it kind of killed me.
Chapter 26
Love and Loneliness
It was March, and the air was still crisp with the last edge of winter lacing it, but a smell of renewal was in the air too. The cherry blossoms at the University were in full bloom, and the quad was bursting with blushing pink flowers that lifted my leaden heart whenever I walked through it.
It had been a hard winter for me. Being alone wasn't something I enjoyed, and I'd had to endure a lot of alone time lately. My sister was a social butterfly, and had quickly amassed a bevy of beautiful Hooters girls to party with; I heard they were in line to be in the "Girls of Hooters" calendar next year.
Jenny tried to take me out on occasion, but we had different schedules, and lining up a night when we were both off work and I wasn't doing something for school, was tricky. We did manage to see a movie every now and then, or grab some coffee before her shift, but it wasn't nearly as often as I would have liked.
School kept me busy, work kept me busy, and even staying in contact with Denny kept me busy. Since our time zones were so far apart, it gave "phone tag" a whole new meaning. But my heart couldn't possibly be kept busy enough to not miss Kellan. That just wasn't possible.
I may have been forced through a three month rehab with our self-imposed separation, but my underlying addiction was still there, and it beat and coursed deep throughout my veins. I could almost hear his name with my heartbeat and I berated myself for my stupid mistake every day. How could I have been so scared and foolish, to push away such a wonderful man?
My sister inadvertently brought that ache right to the surface one night. She was in the bathroom getting ready to hit a club with some friends. She was drying her silky hair, head bent over, letting the dryer give her already perfect locks extra volume. I walked by, just as she flipped up and fluffed out her tresses. She was wearing a backless triangle top, that was going to be much too cold for outside, but that wasn't what got my attention. It was the sparkle at her neck.
I stopped in the doorway, my mouth dropping open and my eyes watering. "Where did you get that?" I could barely even form the words.
She looked at me, confused for a minute, and then noticed my eyes locked onto the necklace around her throat. "Oh, this?" She shrugged and the necklace slid up and down her creamy skin. "It was stuck in with my stuff. I'm not sure where it came from. It's pretty though, huh?"
I couldn't speak again, as I stared in disbelief at the silver guitar necklace that Kellan had lovingly said goodbye to me with. The large diamond twinkled in the bathroom lights and my tearful vision amplified the sparkle until a rainbow streaked across my eyes.
My sister seemed to notice that I was starting to break down. "Oh god...is this yours, Kiera?"
I blinked and my vision cleared, as tears dropped down my cheeks. I watched her hastily reach behind her neck to unclasp it. "I didn't know. I'm sorry." Her fingers practically flung it at me, as she held it away from her.
"It's okay," I mumbled. "I just thought I'd lost it." Or Kellan had removed it.
She nodded and pulled me into a tight hug, lacing the necklace around me, since I still seemed reluctant to touch it. As she clasped it around my neck, she whispered, "Did Kellan give this to you?"
As she pulled away, I nodded, more tears dripping down my cheeks. "The night...he was leaving, the night we got caught." I ran my fingers down the silver piece and it seemed both burning and cooling to my touch.
My sister watched my face a minute and then ran a hand through my hair. "Why don't you go see him, Kiera? He's always at Pete's, and he still looks so..."
I shook my head and didn't let her finish. "I only ever hurt him. He wanted this...he wanted space." I looked up at her and exhaled brokenly. "I'm trying to do what's best for him...for once. Besides, I'm sure he's moved on by now."
She smiled sadly as she tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "You're an idiot, Kiera," she said softly, but warmly.
I smiled sadly back at her. "I know."
She shook her head and seemed to swallow back an emotion. "Well, why don't you come out with us girls then?" She shook her hips alluringly. "Go dancing with me."
I sighed, remembering the last time I went dancing with Anna. "I don't think so. I'm just gonna stay here, crash on the couch."
She twisted her lips as she leaned into the bathroom mirror to start doing her makeup. "Oh good...something new," she muttered sarcastically.
I rolled my eyes at her and walked away. "Have fun...and wear a coat."
"Sure thing, Mom," she shouted back playfully, as I walked down the hallway to the living room.
It was raining outside and I watched the slanting drops hit the window and roll down it like tears. The rain always reminded me of Kellan - him standing in it, letting it soak every part of him. Angry and hurt, and trying to stay away from me, so he didn't lash out at me. Crazy in love with me, even when I turned him away for someone else. I couldn't even imagine what that must have felt like for him.
How could I see him...after everything I'd done to him? My chest hurt though. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of trying to stay busy so he wouldn't enter my head, he did anyway. And mostly, I was tired of remembering the hazy version of him in my memory. More than anything else, I wanted the sharp, crystal-clear and perfect version of him right in front of me.
Without thinking about it, I sat in his chair. I didn't ever sit there. It was too hard, being on something that had belonged to him. I sank into the cushions and laid my head back. I imagined it was his chest I was leaning against, and a soft smile came to my lips. I touched the lost but found again necklace and closed my eyes. I could almost see him more clearly this way. I could almost even smell him.
I turned my face farther into the fabrics and startled when I realized that I could smell him. My hand clenched the cushion near my head and brought it to me. It didn't smell like the overwhelmingly wonderful scent that lingered on his skin, but it had the faint smell of him that lingered in his house. It smelled like his home, and to me, that smell was more binding than the childhood feeling I'd gotten at my parents' house.
He was my home...and I missed him terribly.
Anna came out of the bathroom as I was inhaling the chair and, feeling stupid, I dropped my hands to my lap and looked out the window again. "Are you okay, Kiera?" she asked quietly.
"I'll be fine, Anna," I answered indirectly.
She bit her perfect red lip and looked like she wanted to talk about something. Then she shook her head and asked, "Do you mind if I borrow the car, since you're staying here?"
"No...go ahead." I often let her take it when I didn't need it, and aside from work and school, I rarely needed it.
She sighed and coming over to me, kissed my head softly. "Don't mope all night."
I smiled up at her warmly. "Sure thing, Mom."
She laughed charmingly and grabbed the keys off the counter in the kitchen. She said goodnight before quickly leaving. She didn't take a coat and I shook my head at her. I traced the fabric of the chair under my fingers and wondered what to do.
I briefly considered calling Denny. Brisbane was seventeen hours ahead of Seattle, and he would be in the middle of his Saturday afternoon. He would probably answer at this hour, but I was reluctant to talk to him. Not that I had any qualms about calling him, we talked frequently, and had moved into a "friendly exes" stage. No, what made me hesitate was the fact that last month he'd told me that he'd asked a girl out on a date. At first I'd been hurt, then surprised that he'd mention such a personal fact to me, but I'd settled on happy. He should date. He should be happy. He was too wonderful to be anything else.
The next few phone calls from him included brief snippets about her and, as of last week, they were still together and doing well. I knew that was a good thing, and a part of me was thrilled for him, but I was feeling really lonely tonight and I didn't want the happy tone of his voice reminding me just how unhappy I was. Besides, he really shouldn't be getting calls on the weekend from his "ex" if he was seeing someone new. And he was probably with her right now, playing in the ocean or lying on the beach. I wondered briefly if they were kissing, right at this moment. Then I wondered if they were sleeping together, and I clenched my stomach and forced myself to not think about it. It didn't matter if they were...we'd let each other go in that respect. Of course, that didn't mean I liked the thought.
I ended up curling up on Kellan's chair with a warm blanket and watching a sad movie - one where the hero dies and everyone is broken, but endures their grief to make his sacrifice mean something. I was blubbering long before the actual death scene.
My eyes were red and raw and I'm sure my nose was dripping like a faucet, when the door to my apartment suddenly banged open. I spun my head to look at the door, alarmed, and then brought my brows together in confusion when I saw my sister standing there.
"Anna...are you okay?" She strode over to me and without a word, yanked me off the chair. "Anna! What are you...?"
The words were halted as she pulled me forcefully to the bathroom. She cleaned me up, and slapped on some lipstick and brushed my hair, while I sputtered inquisitions and tried to hold her back. My sister doesn't give up easily though, and she had me cleaned up and was shoving me towards the front door, before I even really knew what was going on.
I realized she was absconding with me, as she opened the door. I muttered, no, and braced myself on the doorframe. She sighed and I looked back at her, irritated. She leaned into me and very intently said, "You need to see something."
That confused me so much that I dropped my hands and she successfully shoved me out of the door. She dragged me to Denny's Honda as I sulked and pouted. I didn't want to go dancing with her. I wanted to go back to my cave of perpetual mourning, and finish my sad movie. At least that movie made my life seem cheery in comparison.
She sat me in the car and pointed at me harshly to stay put. I sighed and sank back into the familiar seats, sort of wishing the car still felt like Denny, and sort of glad nearly all trace of him was gone from the vehicle. It was now littered with lip gloss, empty shoe boxes, and a spare Hooters uniform.
I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted while my sister got in and drove us away. As she didn't take any of the roads that would take us towards the Square, where most of the clubs were, I started wondering where we were going. When we got onto a road that was so familiar it made my chest hurt, I started panicking. I knew exactly where she was taking me on this Friday night.
"No, Anna...please. I don't want to go there. I can't see him, I can't listen to him." I clutched at her arm and tried to physically turn the wheel, but she batted me away effortlessly.
"Calm down, Kiera. Remember...I'm doing the thinking for you now, and there is something that you need to witness. Something I should have showed you awhile ago. Something that even I hope to someday..." Her voice trailed off as she stared out the windows, almost longingly.
