Three, Two, One (321)
Page 76
So I hold her close. “I don’t want you to ever leave. It’s wrong to keep you here, I understand that. But I don’t want you to leave, Blue. I’ve never desired someone so much in my life.”
“Don’t leave me, Ark. Please. I know I need help. I do. I know that liking what he does to me is wrong—”
“That’s not what’s wrong, Blue.” I sit up a little so I can see her for this part. She needs to understand the difference. “Liking it for the right reasons is fine. It’s OK to like a little pain with the pleasure. But what’s not OK is JD taking advantage of that after you were held captive by people who forced you to feel that way through psychological conditioning.”
She just stares at me, like her whole life depends on the words I tell her now.
“Did you like it rough before you became a prisoner?”
She shakes her head. “But I never thought about that stuff.”
“You just need some distance, Blue. To figure it out. You need to talk to someone. JD never talked to anyone and that was a mistake. He’s just—”
She watches me struggle for the words. “Say it,” she whispers. “Please, just tell me.”
“He’s just fucked up. He’s just so fucked up.”
And this is the do-or-die moment. The moment where I lose her trust or gain it. The moment when I let as much out as I can without giving away his final secrets. Secrets I swore on my life, on the death of the one person who haunts me, just as his dead girlfriend haunts him, that I’d never betray.
“He likes to hurt people. And this”—I wave my hand at the bedroom—“this is over now, baby. I’m sorry. But he can’t come back. He can’t.”
She stares me in the eyes for a few seconds. “So we’re just two now?”
“Do you want to be two with me?”
She nods her head. “Yes, please.” And then she cups her hands around my face and kisses me on the lips. “Please. Don’t leave me. Don’t make me go. I’m not ready to face the world, Ark. I’m not. I can’t tell my father what happened to me. I can’t answer those questions. I can’t admit that I fell into their trap. That I got that Stockholm thing and started to like those people. That I told that man I’d marry him. Be his wife. Let him fuck me. Sell him my children. I can’t do that. I need this world a little longer. And if you let me stay, I promise I will work harder at getting better. I will go out with you. I’ll try harder. I’ll do better, I swear.”
Ark never sleeps with me the way JD does. He’s never wanted secret sex like JD did. Ark never wanted to share me. He’s always wanted me for himself.
But JD walking out scares me. Because JD was the glue. JD was the one who joked around and put us at ease. JD was the one who loved freely and openly.
Ark has always been closed off. Secretive. Working out of town. Only a few days at a time, but that time was enough to let JD and me take our game a little farther.
“Let me see you,” Ark says, turning on the bedside lamp so it lights us up.
I cover myself with my arms and look down as he touches me, his fingertips tracing my ribs, my hip bone. He crouches down and feels my leg, first the one and then the other.
My ass is stinging, so I know it’s red, and he gently turns me over and caresses it for a lingering moment.
“Has he hurt you?” I’m silent for a moment. “Tell me the truth, Blue. Has he hurt you?”
I nod my head. “But that was the point.”
Ark drops his hands and sits up in bed with a sigh. And then, like it’s just too much, he drops his face into his palms.
I scoot over next to him, my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry.” I know this is the end. I can feel it. Six weeks was way longer than it should’ve lasted. Six weeks was so much more than I ever dreamed of. Six perfect weeks where I felt safe. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
He looks up, but doesn’t turn his head. He just stares at the wall across the room. “Tell me something, Blue. What exactly are you sorry for?”
“Being…” Being what? Unfaithful? I wasn’t. I know that’s not what he’s thinking. But my mind can’t seem to go anywhere else.
“Why do you feel guilty, Blue?” Ark prods.
“Because it was a secret,” I whisper. “JD told me to keep it secret and I did.”
Ark nods, but still refuses to look at me. “Secrets are bad.” He finally turns and meets my gaze. “Secrets between people who love each other are bad. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this lie up. I’m calling your father, I’m taking you home, I’m putting an end to it before the shit gets out of hand. I can’t do it anymore. And I certainly can’t do it if you’re here, right in the middle of all the shit that’s happening.”
“What?” Do what? He’s not making sense.
But he ignores me. “I mean, I’ve not had a lot of heroic moments over the past four years, I get that. I’m no different than Ray or anyone else using women for financial gain. No matter what the reason is, there’s no excuse for letting it get this far. None.” He looks me in the eyes again. “Greed was what drove it, I think. The money just started coming. The girls were there. We had contracts, and blood tests, and scanned copies of legitimate driver’s licenses. Up and up, I always said. Up and fucking up. But it’s all bullshit, Blue. I’m one hundred percent bullshit. If I say I live by a moral code, but I can’t walk the talk, then there is no difference between them and me.”
“Don’t leave me, Ark. Please. I know I need help. I do. I know that liking what he does to me is wrong—”
“That’s not what’s wrong, Blue.” I sit up a little so I can see her for this part. She needs to understand the difference. “Liking it for the right reasons is fine. It’s OK to like a little pain with the pleasure. But what’s not OK is JD taking advantage of that after you were held captive by people who forced you to feel that way through psychological conditioning.”
She just stares at me, like her whole life depends on the words I tell her now.
“Did you like it rough before you became a prisoner?”
She shakes her head. “But I never thought about that stuff.”
“You just need some distance, Blue. To figure it out. You need to talk to someone. JD never talked to anyone and that was a mistake. He’s just—”
She watches me struggle for the words. “Say it,” she whispers. “Please, just tell me.”
“He’s just fucked up. He’s just so fucked up.”
And this is the do-or-die moment. The moment where I lose her trust or gain it. The moment when I let as much out as I can without giving away his final secrets. Secrets I swore on my life, on the death of the one person who haunts me, just as his dead girlfriend haunts him, that I’d never betray.
“He likes to hurt people. And this”—I wave my hand at the bedroom—“this is over now, baby. I’m sorry. But he can’t come back. He can’t.”
She stares me in the eyes for a few seconds. “So we’re just two now?”
“Do you want to be two with me?”
She nods her head. “Yes, please.” And then she cups her hands around my face and kisses me on the lips. “Please. Don’t leave me. Don’t make me go. I’m not ready to face the world, Ark. I’m not. I can’t tell my father what happened to me. I can’t answer those questions. I can’t admit that I fell into their trap. That I got that Stockholm thing and started to like those people. That I told that man I’d marry him. Be his wife. Let him fuck me. Sell him my children. I can’t do that. I need this world a little longer. And if you let me stay, I promise I will work harder at getting better. I will go out with you. I’ll try harder. I’ll do better, I swear.”
Ark never sleeps with me the way JD does. He’s never wanted secret sex like JD did. Ark never wanted to share me. He’s always wanted me for himself.
But JD walking out scares me. Because JD was the glue. JD was the one who joked around and put us at ease. JD was the one who loved freely and openly.
Ark has always been closed off. Secretive. Working out of town. Only a few days at a time, but that time was enough to let JD and me take our game a little farther.
“Let me see you,” Ark says, turning on the bedside lamp so it lights us up.
I cover myself with my arms and look down as he touches me, his fingertips tracing my ribs, my hip bone. He crouches down and feels my leg, first the one and then the other.
My ass is stinging, so I know it’s red, and he gently turns me over and caresses it for a lingering moment.
“Has he hurt you?” I’m silent for a moment. “Tell me the truth, Blue. Has he hurt you?”
I nod my head. “But that was the point.”
Ark drops his hands and sits up in bed with a sigh. And then, like it’s just too much, he drops his face into his palms.
I scoot over next to him, my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry.” I know this is the end. I can feel it. Six weeks was way longer than it should’ve lasted. Six weeks was so much more than I ever dreamed of. Six perfect weeks where I felt safe. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
He looks up, but doesn’t turn his head. He just stares at the wall across the room. “Tell me something, Blue. What exactly are you sorry for?”
“Being…” Being what? Unfaithful? I wasn’t. I know that’s not what he’s thinking. But my mind can’t seem to go anywhere else.
“Why do you feel guilty, Blue?” Ark prods.
“Because it was a secret,” I whisper. “JD told me to keep it secret and I did.”
Ark nods, but still refuses to look at me. “Secrets are bad.” He finally turns and meets my gaze. “Secrets between people who love each other are bad. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this lie up. I’m calling your father, I’m taking you home, I’m putting an end to it before the shit gets out of hand. I can’t do it anymore. And I certainly can’t do it if you’re here, right in the middle of all the shit that’s happening.”
“What?” Do what? He’s not making sense.
But he ignores me. “I mean, I’ve not had a lot of heroic moments over the past four years, I get that. I’m no different than Ray or anyone else using women for financial gain. No matter what the reason is, there’s no excuse for letting it get this far. None.” He looks me in the eyes again. “Greed was what drove it, I think. The money just started coming. The girls were there. We had contracts, and blood tests, and scanned copies of legitimate driver’s licenses. Up and up, I always said. Up and fucking up. But it’s all bullshit, Blue. I’m one hundred percent bullshit. If I say I live by a moral code, but I can’t walk the talk, then there is no difference between them and me.”
