'Til Death: Volume Two
Page 28
“Do you think that matters to her?”
Tears burn under my eyelids. “Of course it does.”
“Is that what you believe? Truly?”
He kneels down beside me, running his fingers over the soft soil. “Your mother was a miraculous person, Katia. She loved with a purity so many people lack. She would have given her life for you, but more than that—she was so damned grateful because you gave so much of your life for her.”
I close my eyes, clenching my jaw. “I wasn’t there when she needed me. Not before. Not after.”
“Katia,” he says, his voice firm but gentle. “You worked yourself into the ground just to give her a life. You came here to try and fix something so you could continue to give her a life.”
“And I fucked up,” I cry, my voice breaking. “I came back, and instead of doing what I had to do, I ruined things. I didn’t make it back to her. I didn’t make it back when she needed me back.”
“Katia, listen to me.” He takes my chin and turns my face towards his. “She wanted you here. She wanted you happy. She wanted you to move on. She never wanted you taking care of her; it caused her more pain than you not being there. She wanted you free, and sweetheart, now you are. This is what she wanted. This is her happiness.”
I place my hands over my chest, sinking my fingers into my flesh and pinching. He’s right; I know he’s right. I know how much it bothered her to see me working when she could do nothing. Even so, it doesn’t take my agony away.
“She shouldn’t have had to die without me.”
He places a hand on my shoulder. “No, but at least she didn’t die alone.”
I turn to him and he smiles weakly. “I was with her, Katia. When she slipped away, I told her I loved her. She died smiling.”
I choke on a sob and nod, dropping my head.
“You need to pick yourself up and move on with your life, sweetheart. It’s time to make a new beginning, for you and your daughter.”
“I can’t move on. How can I? I paid to have him killed. The guilt of that is destroying me.”
“In a moment of weakness, you lost it. You’re here now. You’re here and you’ve fixed it. Put it behind you, move on and deal with this, Katia.”
“A new beginning means dealing with Marcus, and I don’t know if I can do that. He hates me. He knows what I was going to do and he hates me for it. I made myself no better than him. How can I be angry at him now? I don’t think we’ll ever deal with this.”
“You need to talk to him, take the emotion out of it.”
“I blamed him for her death. I let him take that burden. Then I tried to have him killed. Killed, Dad. There is no way to remove emotion.”
“You need to make a choice, sweetheart. If you’re going to let him go, then do it. If you’re not, then you need to tell him about Penny and you need to try and fix whatever is broken. You can’t keep dancing around a situation that is long overdue for closure.”
“Hating him and wanting revenge made it easier,” I whisper.
“Easier to do what, exactly?”
“It made it easier to convince myself I didn’t love him so fucking much, it burns.”
“Oh honey,” he soothes, pulling me into his arms. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“How can I still care?” I croak. “How can he still matter, after all of it?”
“Because you love him. That doesn’t just turn off with hurt or heartbreak, or even betrayal. You can’t just make those feelings go away.”
“Blaming him made it easier for me to hate him, and for a while there, in that darkness, I did hate him. I was so far gone I was going to have him killed. I was going to kill the father of my child. What sort of monster does that make me?”
I lose it then. My entire body crumbles and I cry so hard I can’t see, can’t feel, and can’t hear. Everything closes down and I sob into my father’s arms. I sob until I’m gasping for air.
“We make mistakes. You’ve owned up to yours and it’s finished. It’s time to move on.”
“My life was never meant to go like this. It was just meant to be easy.”
He pulls me into his chest. “Life was never meant to be easy, sweetheart. That’s just the reality of it.”
~*~*~*~
I go home and sleep with Penny for a few solid hours. She curls into me and I hold her, trying to make up for the time when I wasn’t her mom, but a monster in the place of her mom. She doesn’t care. She forgives me. She loves me, no matter what. She makes me realize that she is the most beautiful person I know.
By the time I get up, I’m not feeling a great deal better. In fact, my body hurts more, and all my muscles ache. I know it’s because of the crying, and the massive release of emotion, but still . . . it sucks. I get Penny some breakfast and settle on the patio with a coffee, waiting for Candy and Dusty to arrive. They said they wanted to talk to me about something.
An hour later, we’re all sitting around a table. When I say us all, I mean Candy, Dusty, my brothers and my father. Obviously, this is important. I’m bouncing Penny on my lap, not willing to let her go for even a second. I have big plans for us in the next few days; I want to take her to the park, to the beach, and anywhere else I can think of. I stare at my family, wondering what could be so important they all have to be here for it.
“The reason we’re all here, is firstly, because we want you to know we’re here to help,” my dad says. “I have a job going, Katia. If you want it, it’s yours.”
Tears burn under my eyelids. “Of course it does.”
“Is that what you believe? Truly?”
He kneels down beside me, running his fingers over the soft soil. “Your mother was a miraculous person, Katia. She loved with a purity so many people lack. She would have given her life for you, but more than that—she was so damned grateful because you gave so much of your life for her.”
I close my eyes, clenching my jaw. “I wasn’t there when she needed me. Not before. Not after.”
“Katia,” he says, his voice firm but gentle. “You worked yourself into the ground just to give her a life. You came here to try and fix something so you could continue to give her a life.”
“And I fucked up,” I cry, my voice breaking. “I came back, and instead of doing what I had to do, I ruined things. I didn’t make it back to her. I didn’t make it back when she needed me back.”
“Katia, listen to me.” He takes my chin and turns my face towards his. “She wanted you here. She wanted you happy. She wanted you to move on. She never wanted you taking care of her; it caused her more pain than you not being there. She wanted you free, and sweetheart, now you are. This is what she wanted. This is her happiness.”
I place my hands over my chest, sinking my fingers into my flesh and pinching. He’s right; I know he’s right. I know how much it bothered her to see me working when she could do nothing. Even so, it doesn’t take my agony away.
“She shouldn’t have had to die without me.”
He places a hand on my shoulder. “No, but at least she didn’t die alone.”
I turn to him and he smiles weakly. “I was with her, Katia. When she slipped away, I told her I loved her. She died smiling.”
I choke on a sob and nod, dropping my head.
“You need to pick yourself up and move on with your life, sweetheart. It’s time to make a new beginning, for you and your daughter.”
“I can’t move on. How can I? I paid to have him killed. The guilt of that is destroying me.”
“In a moment of weakness, you lost it. You’re here now. You’re here and you’ve fixed it. Put it behind you, move on and deal with this, Katia.”
“A new beginning means dealing with Marcus, and I don’t know if I can do that. He hates me. He knows what I was going to do and he hates me for it. I made myself no better than him. How can I be angry at him now? I don’t think we’ll ever deal with this.”
“You need to talk to him, take the emotion out of it.”
“I blamed him for her death. I let him take that burden. Then I tried to have him killed. Killed, Dad. There is no way to remove emotion.”
“You need to make a choice, sweetheart. If you’re going to let him go, then do it. If you’re not, then you need to tell him about Penny and you need to try and fix whatever is broken. You can’t keep dancing around a situation that is long overdue for closure.”
“Hating him and wanting revenge made it easier,” I whisper.
“Easier to do what, exactly?”
“It made it easier to convince myself I didn’t love him so fucking much, it burns.”
“Oh honey,” he soothes, pulling me into his arms. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”
“How can I still care?” I croak. “How can he still matter, after all of it?”
“Because you love him. That doesn’t just turn off with hurt or heartbreak, or even betrayal. You can’t just make those feelings go away.”
“Blaming him made it easier for me to hate him, and for a while there, in that darkness, I did hate him. I was so far gone I was going to have him killed. I was going to kill the father of my child. What sort of monster does that make me?”
I lose it then. My entire body crumbles and I cry so hard I can’t see, can’t feel, and can’t hear. Everything closes down and I sob into my father’s arms. I sob until I’m gasping for air.
“We make mistakes. You’ve owned up to yours and it’s finished. It’s time to move on.”
“My life was never meant to go like this. It was just meant to be easy.”
He pulls me into his chest. “Life was never meant to be easy, sweetheart. That’s just the reality of it.”
~*~*~*~
I go home and sleep with Penny for a few solid hours. She curls into me and I hold her, trying to make up for the time when I wasn’t her mom, but a monster in the place of her mom. She doesn’t care. She forgives me. She loves me, no matter what. She makes me realize that she is the most beautiful person I know.
By the time I get up, I’m not feeling a great deal better. In fact, my body hurts more, and all my muscles ache. I know it’s because of the crying, and the massive release of emotion, but still . . . it sucks. I get Penny some breakfast and settle on the patio with a coffee, waiting for Candy and Dusty to arrive. They said they wanted to talk to me about something.
An hour later, we’re all sitting around a table. When I say us all, I mean Candy, Dusty, my brothers and my father. Obviously, this is important. I’m bouncing Penny on my lap, not willing to let her go for even a second. I have big plans for us in the next few days; I want to take her to the park, to the beach, and anywhere else I can think of. I stare at my family, wondering what could be so important they all have to be here for it.
“The reason we’re all here, is firstly, because we want you to know we’re here to help,” my dad says. “I have a job going, Katia. If you want it, it’s yours.”
