To the Stars
Page 80
And now . . . now a part of me was angry. Angry that they could see it all that time and had just refused to; but I knew I couldn’t think that way. Because like I’d just told Knox, I’d played a part. And like I’d known every time, if they would’ve seen, it would’ve been so bad for them.
“You need to come back to Seattle, where we can take care of you, where we can help you get better. We’ll make sure that you recover from this the way you need to.”
“No.”
My mom straightened her back, and looked over to Knox for the first time at his response. The room filled with tension as everyone looked at each other, and my parents no doubt were wondering who Graham and Deacon were as the two glared at my family. I hadn’t mentioned them to my parents all those years ago, since things had always been so tense between Knox’s friends and me—that had been reserved for rants to my sisters. And as the boys looked at my family like they were ready to fight to keep me with them and Knox, I couldn’t help but be taken aback again at how things had drastically changed with them.
“Knox, honey, it’s so very good to see you,” Mom began again. “But Harlow needs her father and me to get through this time.”
Knox’s mouth opened, probably to tell her no again, but snapped shut. After a deep breath, his eyes slid over to me. His voice was gruff when he said, “I think it’s time Harlow gets to decide what happens in her life—no matter what that means.” Despite the ache in those last words, I knew he meant them.
An uneasy minute passed without a word from anyone as all of our eyes went from one person to the next.
Finally, I asked, “Knox, guys, can I have time with my parents?”
Knox moved immediately, but my mother hens didn’t move until Knox uttered a low “Out.” With one last glance in my direction, Knox shut the door behind them. I released the breath I’d been holding as I looked at my family.
“Hadley, how are you?” I asked, barely able to choke out the question.
She shrugged and smiled weakly. “Fine; a little sore. Mostly I feel sick because I was the closest one to you, and I feel like if anyone should have seen what was happening, it should have been me.”
“No,” I said before she’d finished speaking. “No, you shouldn’t have. You saw me the most often, so the changes weren’t as drastic to you. But, Hadley, you have no idea how glad I am that you never saw them,” I said, my voice wavering as I thought about every threat to my family—but Hadley specifically. “He threatened Hadley the most because she was the closest, physically. Hadley, if you had noticed something—if any of you would have noticed something—he would have done whatever it took to shut you up. I don’t know if Dad told you, but what happened to you yesterday was because Collin thought I tried to poison him when all I’d done was refill the salt shaker.”
My mom gasped, but from their expressions, I knew it wasn’t the first time they’d heard this.
I held my mom’s stare and tried to steady my quivering jaw, but failed. “As much as I hate that you can see a difference and just didn’t over the years, you know just a fraction of what he was like—so you will never know how thankful I am that you didn’t see what was happening.”
Mom’s tears fell faster, and she covered her face as sobs tore through her body. My dad went to comfort her, but it looked like he needed the comfort just as much.
“Couldn’t you have left him before yesterday?” Hadley asked.
I stared at her blankly, unsure what part of Collin’s psychotic tendencies she didn’t understand. “No, Hadley. Do you not remember what just happened to you yesterday?”
“Of course I do, but why didn’t you just leave him before? You left last night; why did you wait so long?”
“I tried leaving him at the beginning of our marriage. Do you remember the night that beach house you guys vacationed in caught fire? I made it to Oregon before I was pulled over and arrested for DWI without even having a sobriety test done. Collin picked me up soon after and made me wait with my phone for hours when we got home until I got the call from you.”
Hadley’s eyes widened in disbelief, and my mom’s cries got louder.
“Leaving him meant losing you. I couldn’t risk that. Staying with him, no matter what it meant for me . . .” I said through my tears, and had to stop when it got too hard to speak. “Staying meant you were supposed to be safe.”
“But at what cost?” Dad asked; his tone was hard, but his face was filled with grief. “You haven’t told us most of what happened, and I can’t begin to imagine because I don’t want to. Seeing what happened that led to you being in a hospital tells me more than I need to know; I can see now that those years with him aren’t something that you should’ve gone through—no matter what it meant for us. We could’ve figured something out, Harlow!”
I shook my head, because none of them could understand that it wouldn’t have been that simple, but stilled and reached toward my dad when he stopped fighting it and finally burst into tears. “Dad,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t understand, but I couldn’t tell you. Collin was my burden, and I never would have forgiven myself if I’d let his evil slip into your lives more than it was already able to.”
“Oh, honey,” Mom whispered, but then the room quieted except for their soft sobs. “We’ll make this up to you somehow. We’ll take care of you, I promise. We’ll find a doctor you can talk to in Seattle, and—”
“Mom.” I cut her off quietly. “I love you, but what you’re doing . . . there’s no point for it. You don’t have to make up for anything.”
“That’s not it,” she assured me.
“That’s a lot of it,” I argued gently. “I know you want me close after everything that’s happened, too, but most of this is just guilt that you don’t need to feel. And Seattle? Mom, I don’t want to be there.” My throat tightened again and tears filled my eyes, but I smiled through them. “After years without him, I just found Knox again. I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped regretting the mistake I made in choosing Collin over him. Now that he’s here, I can’t go back to a life where he isn’t.”
“You need to come back to Seattle, where we can take care of you, where we can help you get better. We’ll make sure that you recover from this the way you need to.”
“No.”
My mom straightened her back, and looked over to Knox for the first time at his response. The room filled with tension as everyone looked at each other, and my parents no doubt were wondering who Graham and Deacon were as the two glared at my family. I hadn’t mentioned them to my parents all those years ago, since things had always been so tense between Knox’s friends and me—that had been reserved for rants to my sisters. And as the boys looked at my family like they were ready to fight to keep me with them and Knox, I couldn’t help but be taken aback again at how things had drastically changed with them.
“Knox, honey, it’s so very good to see you,” Mom began again. “But Harlow needs her father and me to get through this time.”
Knox’s mouth opened, probably to tell her no again, but snapped shut. After a deep breath, his eyes slid over to me. His voice was gruff when he said, “I think it’s time Harlow gets to decide what happens in her life—no matter what that means.” Despite the ache in those last words, I knew he meant them.
An uneasy minute passed without a word from anyone as all of our eyes went from one person to the next.
Finally, I asked, “Knox, guys, can I have time with my parents?”
Knox moved immediately, but my mother hens didn’t move until Knox uttered a low “Out.” With one last glance in my direction, Knox shut the door behind them. I released the breath I’d been holding as I looked at my family.
“Hadley, how are you?” I asked, barely able to choke out the question.
She shrugged and smiled weakly. “Fine; a little sore. Mostly I feel sick because I was the closest one to you, and I feel like if anyone should have seen what was happening, it should have been me.”
“No,” I said before she’d finished speaking. “No, you shouldn’t have. You saw me the most often, so the changes weren’t as drastic to you. But, Hadley, you have no idea how glad I am that you never saw them,” I said, my voice wavering as I thought about every threat to my family—but Hadley specifically. “He threatened Hadley the most because she was the closest, physically. Hadley, if you had noticed something—if any of you would have noticed something—he would have done whatever it took to shut you up. I don’t know if Dad told you, but what happened to you yesterday was because Collin thought I tried to poison him when all I’d done was refill the salt shaker.”
My mom gasped, but from their expressions, I knew it wasn’t the first time they’d heard this.
I held my mom’s stare and tried to steady my quivering jaw, but failed. “As much as I hate that you can see a difference and just didn’t over the years, you know just a fraction of what he was like—so you will never know how thankful I am that you didn’t see what was happening.”
Mom’s tears fell faster, and she covered her face as sobs tore through her body. My dad went to comfort her, but it looked like he needed the comfort just as much.
“Couldn’t you have left him before yesterday?” Hadley asked.
I stared at her blankly, unsure what part of Collin’s psychotic tendencies she didn’t understand. “No, Hadley. Do you not remember what just happened to you yesterday?”
“Of course I do, but why didn’t you just leave him before? You left last night; why did you wait so long?”
“I tried leaving him at the beginning of our marriage. Do you remember the night that beach house you guys vacationed in caught fire? I made it to Oregon before I was pulled over and arrested for DWI without even having a sobriety test done. Collin picked me up soon after and made me wait with my phone for hours when we got home until I got the call from you.”
Hadley’s eyes widened in disbelief, and my mom’s cries got louder.
“Leaving him meant losing you. I couldn’t risk that. Staying with him, no matter what it meant for me . . .” I said through my tears, and had to stop when it got too hard to speak. “Staying meant you were supposed to be safe.”
“But at what cost?” Dad asked; his tone was hard, but his face was filled with grief. “You haven’t told us most of what happened, and I can’t begin to imagine because I don’t want to. Seeing what happened that led to you being in a hospital tells me more than I need to know; I can see now that those years with him aren’t something that you should’ve gone through—no matter what it meant for us. We could’ve figured something out, Harlow!”
I shook my head, because none of them could understand that it wouldn’t have been that simple, but stilled and reached toward my dad when he stopped fighting it and finally burst into tears. “Dad,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t understand, but I couldn’t tell you. Collin was my burden, and I never would have forgiven myself if I’d let his evil slip into your lives more than it was already able to.”
“Oh, honey,” Mom whispered, but then the room quieted except for their soft sobs. “We’ll make this up to you somehow. We’ll take care of you, I promise. We’ll find a doctor you can talk to in Seattle, and—”
“Mom.” I cut her off quietly. “I love you, but what you’re doing . . . there’s no point for it. You don’t have to make up for anything.”
“That’s not it,” she assured me.
“That’s a lot of it,” I argued gently. “I know you want me close after everything that’s happened, too, but most of this is just guilt that you don’t need to feel. And Seattle? Mom, I don’t want to be there.” My throat tightened again and tears filled my eyes, but I smiled through them. “After years without him, I just found Knox again. I never stopped loving him, and I never stopped regretting the mistake I made in choosing Collin over him. Now that he’s here, I can’t go back to a life where he isn’t.”
