Torn
Page 74
I wanted to cut what little memories I had out of my head with a butter knife.
What he had done wasn’t remotely okay. I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind. He’d controlled me, forcing me to feed, and then took advantage of me being as high as a kite.
My stomach twisted again and I lurched forward, clutching the toilet. I heaved, and the only thing that came up this time was spittle and air, but it burned my throat and hurt my stomach. Once I thought I wouldn’t be sick again, I pushed away from the toilet.
I leaned back against the tub and dropped the end of the chain in my lap, closing my eyes and waiting for my heart to slow down. I focused on taking deep, even breaths and figuring out what my next steps would be. I had to have next steps. Something. I couldn’t sit on the bathroom floor.
I needed to shower.
I could do that.
I opened my eyes and forced myself off the floor. I closed the bathroom door, and was dismayed upon realizing the lock had been removed. I had no idea when that had happened. I cranked on the water, turning it up as hot as I could stand, and then I placed the chain on the sink. I stripped off the gown and picked up the chain without looking at my reflection.
I stepping under the hot spray of water, gasping as it hit my arms. The scratches stung as they got wet. I didn’t care if showering rusted the stupid band and chain. I stood under the hot water until my skin turned pink. Then I grabbed the bar of soap and lathered up not once but three times, and I still felt like I could do it again. Hot tears burned my eyes.
I can’t do this.
Oh God. I wasn’t sure I could deal with all of this for a moment longer, let alone until I figured a way out of here. I didn’t regret making the deal. I’d had to make sure Ren was safe, but my plan had been so incredibly clueless, foolish even. Gaining time to figure out an escape only put me further under the prince’s control, giving him opportunities I had never foreseen. And now what? I had no idea how I could work at gaining Drake’s trust when I wanted to gouge out his eyeballs the next time I saw him.
I have to do this.
There was no choice—not really. Giving up wouldn’t stop time, and even though I didn’t plan on honoring our bargain when our time was up, I had to get out of here. I had to pull it together, because the only other option was that I . . .
I removed myself from the equation.
I stared at the mosaic tile of the shower stall. Could I do it? The chain hung heavily from my neck. It would be easy to use the chain, far too easy, but even in my darkest moments after Shaun’s death, I’d never seriously considered ending my own life.
This situation was different though, because it wasn’t grief or depression guiding the thought. My very existence was a means to an end, and I couldn’t continue living like this, being forced to feed on humans. I also knew that eventually Drake wasn’t going to stop.
A sob shook my shoulders and I stepped back, pressing against the tiled wall. Pressing my hands over my face, I struggled to hold it together. My entire body trembled. I wanted out of here. I didn’t want to spend another second in this place, but what I wanted wasn’t going to happen.
“Pull your shit together, Ivy.” I gripped the chain and forced myself to turn off the water and step out of the shower. “You can deal with all this crap later, but you need to get your shit together.”
Repeating those words over and over, I slowly stitched myself back together, because I had to—because I wasn’t going to wake up and find myself safe. There were gaps in the stitches, gaping holes, but it was the best I could do. The only chance I had to get out of here with my life and my sanity was by following my earlier plan while keeping it together. That was the only thing I could control now.
~
Faye brought me a sandwich that evening, but I wasn’t hungry. Anxious energy upset my stomach, and every time I heard footsteps outside the door, I expected Drake to come through. But he hadn’t.
Yet.
She avoided eye contact with me as I picked at my food, managing to eat the slices of honey ham only because I knew I needed to eat something. When I couldn’t swallow anymore, I set the plate on the nightstand and looked up to find Faye by the window.
I remembered seeing her yesterday when I went into that room and also when I left it. Or at least I think I saw her when I left. “Are you going to hook this chain back to the bed?”
Her shoulders stiffened as she finally focused on me. “I have not been told to. I hope I will not, but I guess it will depend on you.”
My blood pressure shot up. “I’m not sure how being chained to a bed really depends on me.”
“It shouldn’t,” she agreed, surprising me. “But it does.”
Staring at her for a moment, I shook my head. “I . . . I don’t get you.”
Her silvery-blonde eyebrows rose.
“You know what I am, right? Not the halfling part or why I’m here. You know I’m an Order member—”
“And it would be your duty to murder me if you saw me on the streets?” she interjected. “Yes. I know.”
Holding the end of the chain, I scooted over so my feet were on the floor. “Then why are you nice to me?”
She stepped away from the window. “Do I need a reason?”
I looked around the room. “Uh. Yeah. All things considered.”
Faye frowned, and she still looked, well, magical. All fae did. They were stunning in an eerie, unreal way. “Is it so hard to believe that when I see you or anyone like you that my first inclination isn’t to feed off you and kill you?”
What he had done wasn’t remotely okay. I hadn’t been in the right frame of mind. He’d controlled me, forcing me to feed, and then took advantage of me being as high as a kite.
My stomach twisted again and I lurched forward, clutching the toilet. I heaved, and the only thing that came up this time was spittle and air, but it burned my throat and hurt my stomach. Once I thought I wouldn’t be sick again, I pushed away from the toilet.
I leaned back against the tub and dropped the end of the chain in my lap, closing my eyes and waiting for my heart to slow down. I focused on taking deep, even breaths and figuring out what my next steps would be. I had to have next steps. Something. I couldn’t sit on the bathroom floor.
I needed to shower.
I could do that.
I opened my eyes and forced myself off the floor. I closed the bathroom door, and was dismayed upon realizing the lock had been removed. I had no idea when that had happened. I cranked on the water, turning it up as hot as I could stand, and then I placed the chain on the sink. I stripped off the gown and picked up the chain without looking at my reflection.
I stepping under the hot spray of water, gasping as it hit my arms. The scratches stung as they got wet. I didn’t care if showering rusted the stupid band and chain. I stood under the hot water until my skin turned pink. Then I grabbed the bar of soap and lathered up not once but three times, and I still felt like I could do it again. Hot tears burned my eyes.
I can’t do this.
Oh God. I wasn’t sure I could deal with all of this for a moment longer, let alone until I figured a way out of here. I didn’t regret making the deal. I’d had to make sure Ren was safe, but my plan had been so incredibly clueless, foolish even. Gaining time to figure out an escape only put me further under the prince’s control, giving him opportunities I had never foreseen. And now what? I had no idea how I could work at gaining Drake’s trust when I wanted to gouge out his eyeballs the next time I saw him.
I have to do this.
There was no choice—not really. Giving up wouldn’t stop time, and even though I didn’t plan on honoring our bargain when our time was up, I had to get out of here. I had to pull it together, because the only other option was that I . . .
I removed myself from the equation.
I stared at the mosaic tile of the shower stall. Could I do it? The chain hung heavily from my neck. It would be easy to use the chain, far too easy, but even in my darkest moments after Shaun’s death, I’d never seriously considered ending my own life.
This situation was different though, because it wasn’t grief or depression guiding the thought. My very existence was a means to an end, and I couldn’t continue living like this, being forced to feed on humans. I also knew that eventually Drake wasn’t going to stop.
A sob shook my shoulders and I stepped back, pressing against the tiled wall. Pressing my hands over my face, I struggled to hold it together. My entire body trembled. I wanted out of here. I didn’t want to spend another second in this place, but what I wanted wasn’t going to happen.
“Pull your shit together, Ivy.” I gripped the chain and forced myself to turn off the water and step out of the shower. “You can deal with all this crap later, but you need to get your shit together.”
Repeating those words over and over, I slowly stitched myself back together, because I had to—because I wasn’t going to wake up and find myself safe. There were gaps in the stitches, gaping holes, but it was the best I could do. The only chance I had to get out of here with my life and my sanity was by following my earlier plan while keeping it together. That was the only thing I could control now.
~
Faye brought me a sandwich that evening, but I wasn’t hungry. Anxious energy upset my stomach, and every time I heard footsteps outside the door, I expected Drake to come through. But he hadn’t.
Yet.
She avoided eye contact with me as I picked at my food, managing to eat the slices of honey ham only because I knew I needed to eat something. When I couldn’t swallow anymore, I set the plate on the nightstand and looked up to find Faye by the window.
I remembered seeing her yesterday when I went into that room and also when I left it. Or at least I think I saw her when I left. “Are you going to hook this chain back to the bed?”
Her shoulders stiffened as she finally focused on me. “I have not been told to. I hope I will not, but I guess it will depend on you.”
My blood pressure shot up. “I’m not sure how being chained to a bed really depends on me.”
“It shouldn’t,” she agreed, surprising me. “But it does.”
Staring at her for a moment, I shook my head. “I . . . I don’t get you.”
Her silvery-blonde eyebrows rose.
“You know what I am, right? Not the halfling part or why I’m here. You know I’m an Order member—”
“And it would be your duty to murder me if you saw me on the streets?” she interjected. “Yes. I know.”
Holding the end of the chain, I scooted over so my feet were on the floor. “Then why are you nice to me?”
She stepped away from the window. “Do I need a reason?”
I looked around the room. “Uh. Yeah. All things considered.”
Faye frowned, and she still looked, well, magical. All fae did. They were stunning in an eerie, unreal way. “Is it so hard to believe that when I see you or anyone like you that my first inclination isn’t to feed off you and kill you?”
