Troubles and Treats
Page 21
Awe, shit. I’m a goner.
“That would be f**king awesome! How much do you charge for something like that?”
Why am I asking him this? I will NOT let him make me a trophy cabinet. I WON’T, no matter what the price is.
“Oh, there’s no way I’d take your money. Totally on the house, dude. It would be an honor just to be able to see your trophies, let alone build you something to put them in.”
Well fuck, I think I’m falling in love with Fuckson. God dammit!!! At least Jim and Carter have already had a chance to talk to him and they can bring me back to reality with what an as**ole he is.
The soccer game finally ends and Jackson says good-bye and that he’ll stop by later.
Fuck, I can’t even bring myself to call him a bad word anymore because he’s too f**king likeable! Now I’M the one who needs the intervention.
Jenny is busy talking to the parents, so I sneak away and walk over to Jim and Carter by the bleachers before she corners me and wants to “talk”.
“Okay, give it to me. Tell me every mean, awful, and shitty thing you think about him. Go.”
Jim and Carter share a look before turning to face me.
“Actually, we kind of like him,” Carter says sheepishly.
“Yeah, he’s going to come over tomorrow and watch the girls so Liz and I can go out to dinner,” Jim adds.
“He’s coming over to our house Tuesday because he has a secret wall cleaner he mixed together that will take black permanent marker off of the walls,” Carter says.
Noooooooo! They were supposed to help me! They were supposed to be my wingmen and now they just f**ked me in the ass!
“Did you hear him talk about that thing he did in the fifth grade?!” Carter asks Jim.
“Oh my gosh, that was the funniest story ever!” Jim replies with a laugh.
“I really liked his jeans. I asked him where he got them and he said Target. Who knew?” Carter says with a shrug. “I wonder if he would go shopping with me for jeans if I ask him.”
I stare in horror at my two friends as they go back and forth gushing over my sworn enemy that I now kind of like.
“We’re going shoe shopping next Friday because he knows a great store about an hour from here that is having a huge clearance sale so make sure you don’t ask him to go Friday,” Jim says.
“Wait, a shoe sale? I need new shoes,” I tell Jim.
I am fucked.
Chapter 21 – Spoop
“I GOT IT!” I scream upstairs to Jenny as the doorbell rings and I race to answer the door.
It’s shoe shopping day and Jackson had told me he would come over and get me when he was ready to leave. I’m still not one-hundred-percent on board the Jackson train yet, but any guy that knows where the best shoe sales are gets a free pass for the day in my book.
I fling open the door and Jackson is standing there next to a four-shelf, hand-crafted, oak trophy case.
“I had some free time last night and was able to build your trophy case. I hope you don’t mind,” Jackson says with a smile.
Well son of a bitch. Now I’m on the Jackson train waving good-bye to my loved ones and heading off into the sunset with my new best friend.
“Dude, this is f**king awesome!” I tell him as I step outside onto the porch to get a good look at my new case. It’s the best piece of furniture I’ve ever seen. This thing will easily hold all of my trophies and medals, and this guy, who could probably tell I didn’t like him at first, had made it for me just to be nice.
Or he still wants to steal my wife and this is his way of distracting me. While I’m busy setting up my trophies, he’s going to be upstairs ha**g s*x with my wife.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got this for you too,” Jackson says as he steps down off of the porch and picks something up that he had left by our bushes.
When he turns around, he’s cradling a garden gnome in his arms. But not just any garden gnome. This little guy is wearing an Ohio State football uniform from my alma mater. Instead of a weird garden gnome hat, he’s wearing a silver football helmet with a red and white stripe down the center. He’s also got on an Ohio State football jersey with my old number painted on it, and he’s holding a football in his arm.
Now, normally, I am not an advocate of garden gnomes. They are creepy little bastards that come to life at night and ass rape you while you’re sleeping. They hover over your head on your pillow and just wait until you flip over on your stomach so they can take off the covers and have their way with you. This hasn’t been proven scientifically yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. It’s also the reason why I always wear a belt to bed. I’m not making it easy for them to get my sweet ass!
Jenny has always wanted to get a gnome for our front yard - the one where the little creepy guy is sitting on a dock holding a fishing pole. Every time we are anywhere near a garden store she begs me to let her buy it. And every time, I have to remind her what those things are capable of. Especially one with a fishing pole.
Good God, woman! Do you know what kind of harm could come to my ass with a garden gnome carrying a fishing pole? Unspeakable acts will be conducted. UNSPEAKABLE.
I had never thought I would see the day where I would welcome a garden gnome into my yard. But this one is a winner. I can see it in his eyes that he would never hurt me. He would never use his evil garden gnome way against me.
“Jenny is always talking about how she wants a garden gnome but that you don’t like them. I saw this one the other day and thought you might approve of it, so I had the guy at the store paint your old jersey number on it,” Jackson says as he hands the little football guy over to me.
“I’m naming him Buckeye and he will be my friend forever,” I say softly as I pat Buckeye’s head and then set him down on the first step of the porch.
With one last smile in Buckeye’s direction, I help Jackson carry the trophy case down into the basement and then he helps me place all of my trophies into it before going back upstairs.
“Hey, Jackson!” Jenny says as she meets us at the top of the stairs with Billy in her arms. “How was your date last night?”
Jackson laughs and I look back and forth between the two of them.
Date? Jackson had a date? With a woman that isn’t my wife? This day just keeps getting better and better.
“Oh man, it was so awesome, Jenny! We had such a good time and you will be happy to know it turned into a sleepover,” Jackson says with a smile.
Wow, I didn’t know the guy had it in him! Banging on the first date is so me. I feel so close to him right now.
“I’m so happy for you! So you guys obviously hit it off. Are you going out again? Jenny asks as she shifts Billy to her other arm.
“Yep, we’re going out again tonight. Although, after the wake-up call I got this morning, I’m surprised I can even function or walk right now!”
Jenny and Jackson laugh and I just want to wrap this guy up in a hug and jump up and down in happiness that he’s found a chick to bang, and I can stop freaking out.
I reach over and pat Jackson on the back. “That’s awesome news, dude. I’m happy for you.”
Jackson smiles again and I think I might even see him blush a little.
“Thanks. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good about someone. Dave is a great guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him. Is it okay if I use your bathroom?” he asks.
Jenny tells him to go ahead and use the half bath downstairs which is a good thing because my brain is somewhere in outer space right now and I need a minute without him in the room.
“Dave? Tell me that’s some weird chick’s name,” I whisper to Jenny as Jackson walks down the hall to the bathroom.
“Um, no. Jackson is gay. I told you that,” she says as she walks into the kitchen to grab a few bottles from the fridge to pack into the diaper bag.
“No, you most certainly did NOT tell me that! I’m pretty sure that is something I would have clearly remembered,” I complain as I glance behind me down the hall to where Jackson disappeared.
“What’s the big deal? We know plenty of g*y people. You’re not turning into a homeopathic are you?” she demands angrily.
“No, I’m not turning into someone who uses alternative medicine,” I reply with a laugh.
“This isn’t funny, Drew. If you have a problem with g*y people, we have a serious issue.”
“I don’t have a problem with g*y people! I have a problem with thinking some guy wants to bang my wife when the entire time he wants to bang the Hershey Highway. This would have saved me a lot of headaches, let me tell you,” I explain.
“You thought Jackson wanted to have sex with me?” Jenny asks in surprise.
“Um, yes. Why the hell wouldn’t I? He’s a good-looking guy and you’re hot as fuck. Of course I would think Jackson wants to have sex with you,” I tell her. “And another thing...he’s been in that bathroom too long. If he’s spooping in our toilet, we’re going to have words.”
Jenny pauses with a bottle in her hand and looks at me in confusion.
“If Jackson wants to poop in our toilet, he can poop in our toilet. He’s our friend. Jim poops in our toilet all the time,” she says.
“Jim poops in our toilet all the time because he has three girls who constantly knock on the door and ask him if he can paint their nails or brush Barbie’s hair. His poop gets stage fright at his house. This is completely different. Jackson is depositing spoop in our home!” I complain.
“Will you keep your voice down! He’s going to hear you!” Jenny scolds.
“I think he SHOULD hear me! He can take as many dumps as he likes in my toilet. But they can’t be spoop dumps!”
Jenny mutters to herself as she puts Billy down in his bouncy seat up on the counter and buckles him in.
“Stop saying spoop! I don’t even know what that is. You know I don’t like it when you use big words I don’t know,” she complains as she zips the diaper bag closed.
“It’s very simple to understand. Jackson said he had sex this morning. Thereby confirming that he has spooge floating around in his back door regions. It’s not just poop at that point anymore, Jenny. It’s SPOOP. He’s SPOOPING where we brush our teeth! Now every time I go in there, I’m going to see spoop. Spoop in the toilet, spoop on the floor, spoop on the walls. Everywhere I look there will be SPOOP and it’s all his fault!”
Jackson is gay. Jackson does NOT want to sleep with my wife. This makes me so happy. Spoop makes me so sad.
“That man made you a trophy case and is taking you shoe shopping today. He can spoop on our living room carpet if he wants!” Jenny argues.
“Oh, now you’re just being silly. Why would he spoop on the carpet? He’s not a dog,” I tell her as I make faces at Billy while he coos and smiles at me.
“If you turn out to be gay, you’d never spoop in Daddy’s toilet, would you, Billy? No you wouldn’t! You’d keep your spoop to yourself because you love Daddy.”
A few minutes later, Jackson walks into the kitchen and stands next to me. All I can do is look at his hands and hope he washed the spoop off of them. It will be embarrassing if I have to remind him.
“RAPE ME! MOMMY! RAPE ME!”
Jenny sighs and shakes her head when she hears Veronica yelling from the bathroom in the upstairs hallway.
“Um, is she asking you to rape her?” Jackson questions with a laugh.
“Yep, she totally is. She’s having a hard time saying ‘wipe me’ right now after she goes to the bathroom by herself,” I explain to him.
I wonder when Jackson is in his own home, if he screams, “SPOOP ME! SPOOP ME!”
“It’s not funny when she does it in a McDonald’s bathroom that is full of people,” Jenny says as she leaves the kitchen and heads down the hall to help Veronica.
Jackson and I are left alone together in the kitchen with Billy, and I’m having a hard time looking him in the eye.
“I take it you didn’t know I was gay,” Jackson finally says.
“No, but it’s all good, man. I don’t judge.”
Unless you spoop in my toilet. Then I will judge the mother f**king spoop out of you.
“Okay, good. Because I really like this guy, and I really like you and Jenny,” he tells me.
And you really like to spoop.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got something else for you,” he says as he jogs over to the front door and picks up a bag I hadn’t even seen him put there.
He walks back over and hands me the bag. I dig inside and pull out a shirt that says: I like bl*w j*bs, anal, and shopping. Not particularly in that order.
Oh man. Here it comes. I’m going to cry.
I throw the shirt on the kitchen counter, grab Jackson, and give him a hug.
“You’re such a good guy. I hope this Dave dude treats you right, and if he doesn’t, I’ll kick his ass. And I don’t care if you want to spoop in my toilet every single day, man. My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose,” I tell him as I release him from the hug.
I have found a new best friend, and I don’t care if he is the meat in a triple decker man sandwich. He makes me trophy cases and buys me non-ass-raping garden gnomes and t-shirts.
As I throw my new shirt on over top of the one I was wearing, Jenny and Veronica emerge from down the hallway.
“Mommy raped my spoop!” Veronica shouts as she runs into the living room.
Chapter 22 – I Wanna Strawberry Laid!
“Wait a minute, so you still haven’t talked to Drew?” Claire asks as we walk over to a rack of clearance clothes and pick through them.
“That would be f**king awesome! How much do you charge for something like that?”
Why am I asking him this? I will NOT let him make me a trophy cabinet. I WON’T, no matter what the price is.
“Oh, there’s no way I’d take your money. Totally on the house, dude. It would be an honor just to be able to see your trophies, let alone build you something to put them in.”
Well fuck, I think I’m falling in love with Fuckson. God dammit!!! At least Jim and Carter have already had a chance to talk to him and they can bring me back to reality with what an as**ole he is.
The soccer game finally ends and Jackson says good-bye and that he’ll stop by later.
Fuck, I can’t even bring myself to call him a bad word anymore because he’s too f**king likeable! Now I’M the one who needs the intervention.
Jenny is busy talking to the parents, so I sneak away and walk over to Jim and Carter by the bleachers before she corners me and wants to “talk”.
“Okay, give it to me. Tell me every mean, awful, and shitty thing you think about him. Go.”
Jim and Carter share a look before turning to face me.
“Actually, we kind of like him,” Carter says sheepishly.
“Yeah, he’s going to come over tomorrow and watch the girls so Liz and I can go out to dinner,” Jim adds.
“He’s coming over to our house Tuesday because he has a secret wall cleaner he mixed together that will take black permanent marker off of the walls,” Carter says.
Noooooooo! They were supposed to help me! They were supposed to be my wingmen and now they just f**ked me in the ass!
“Did you hear him talk about that thing he did in the fifth grade?!” Carter asks Jim.
“Oh my gosh, that was the funniest story ever!” Jim replies with a laugh.
“I really liked his jeans. I asked him where he got them and he said Target. Who knew?” Carter says with a shrug. “I wonder if he would go shopping with me for jeans if I ask him.”
I stare in horror at my two friends as they go back and forth gushing over my sworn enemy that I now kind of like.
“We’re going shoe shopping next Friday because he knows a great store about an hour from here that is having a huge clearance sale so make sure you don’t ask him to go Friday,” Jim says.
“Wait, a shoe sale? I need new shoes,” I tell Jim.
I am fucked.
Chapter 21 – Spoop
“I GOT IT!” I scream upstairs to Jenny as the doorbell rings and I race to answer the door.
It’s shoe shopping day and Jackson had told me he would come over and get me when he was ready to leave. I’m still not one-hundred-percent on board the Jackson train yet, but any guy that knows where the best shoe sales are gets a free pass for the day in my book.
I fling open the door and Jackson is standing there next to a four-shelf, hand-crafted, oak trophy case.
“I had some free time last night and was able to build your trophy case. I hope you don’t mind,” Jackson says with a smile.
Well son of a bitch. Now I’m on the Jackson train waving good-bye to my loved ones and heading off into the sunset with my new best friend.
“Dude, this is f**king awesome!” I tell him as I step outside onto the porch to get a good look at my new case. It’s the best piece of furniture I’ve ever seen. This thing will easily hold all of my trophies and medals, and this guy, who could probably tell I didn’t like him at first, had made it for me just to be nice.
Or he still wants to steal my wife and this is his way of distracting me. While I’m busy setting up my trophies, he’s going to be upstairs ha**g s*x with my wife.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got this for you too,” Jackson says as he steps down off of the porch and picks something up that he had left by our bushes.
When he turns around, he’s cradling a garden gnome in his arms. But not just any garden gnome. This little guy is wearing an Ohio State football uniform from my alma mater. Instead of a weird garden gnome hat, he’s wearing a silver football helmet with a red and white stripe down the center. He’s also got on an Ohio State football jersey with my old number painted on it, and he’s holding a football in his arm.
Now, normally, I am not an advocate of garden gnomes. They are creepy little bastards that come to life at night and ass rape you while you’re sleeping. They hover over your head on your pillow and just wait until you flip over on your stomach so they can take off the covers and have their way with you. This hasn’t been proven scientifically yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time. It’s also the reason why I always wear a belt to bed. I’m not making it easy for them to get my sweet ass!
Jenny has always wanted to get a gnome for our front yard - the one where the little creepy guy is sitting on a dock holding a fishing pole. Every time we are anywhere near a garden store she begs me to let her buy it. And every time, I have to remind her what those things are capable of. Especially one with a fishing pole.
Good God, woman! Do you know what kind of harm could come to my ass with a garden gnome carrying a fishing pole? Unspeakable acts will be conducted. UNSPEAKABLE.
I had never thought I would see the day where I would welcome a garden gnome into my yard. But this one is a winner. I can see it in his eyes that he would never hurt me. He would never use his evil garden gnome way against me.
“Jenny is always talking about how she wants a garden gnome but that you don’t like them. I saw this one the other day and thought you might approve of it, so I had the guy at the store paint your old jersey number on it,” Jackson says as he hands the little football guy over to me.
“I’m naming him Buckeye and he will be my friend forever,” I say softly as I pat Buckeye’s head and then set him down on the first step of the porch.
With one last smile in Buckeye’s direction, I help Jackson carry the trophy case down into the basement and then he helps me place all of my trophies into it before going back upstairs.
“Hey, Jackson!” Jenny says as she meets us at the top of the stairs with Billy in her arms. “How was your date last night?”
Jackson laughs and I look back and forth between the two of them.
Date? Jackson had a date? With a woman that isn’t my wife? This day just keeps getting better and better.
“Oh man, it was so awesome, Jenny! We had such a good time and you will be happy to know it turned into a sleepover,” Jackson says with a smile.
Wow, I didn’t know the guy had it in him! Banging on the first date is so me. I feel so close to him right now.
“I’m so happy for you! So you guys obviously hit it off. Are you going out again? Jenny asks as she shifts Billy to her other arm.
“Yep, we’re going out again tonight. Although, after the wake-up call I got this morning, I’m surprised I can even function or walk right now!”
Jenny and Jackson laugh and I just want to wrap this guy up in a hug and jump up and down in happiness that he’s found a chick to bang, and I can stop freaking out.
I reach over and pat Jackson on the back. “That’s awesome news, dude. I’m happy for you.”
Jackson smiles again and I think I might even see him blush a little.
“Thanks. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this good about someone. Dave is a great guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him. Is it okay if I use your bathroom?” he asks.
Jenny tells him to go ahead and use the half bath downstairs which is a good thing because my brain is somewhere in outer space right now and I need a minute without him in the room.
“Dave? Tell me that’s some weird chick’s name,” I whisper to Jenny as Jackson walks down the hall to the bathroom.
“Um, no. Jackson is gay. I told you that,” she says as she walks into the kitchen to grab a few bottles from the fridge to pack into the diaper bag.
“No, you most certainly did NOT tell me that! I’m pretty sure that is something I would have clearly remembered,” I complain as I glance behind me down the hall to where Jackson disappeared.
“What’s the big deal? We know plenty of g*y people. You’re not turning into a homeopathic are you?” she demands angrily.
“No, I’m not turning into someone who uses alternative medicine,” I reply with a laugh.
“This isn’t funny, Drew. If you have a problem with g*y people, we have a serious issue.”
“I don’t have a problem with g*y people! I have a problem with thinking some guy wants to bang my wife when the entire time he wants to bang the Hershey Highway. This would have saved me a lot of headaches, let me tell you,” I explain.
“You thought Jackson wanted to have sex with me?” Jenny asks in surprise.
“Um, yes. Why the hell wouldn’t I? He’s a good-looking guy and you’re hot as fuck. Of course I would think Jackson wants to have sex with you,” I tell her. “And another thing...he’s been in that bathroom too long. If he’s spooping in our toilet, we’re going to have words.”
Jenny pauses with a bottle in her hand and looks at me in confusion.
“If Jackson wants to poop in our toilet, he can poop in our toilet. He’s our friend. Jim poops in our toilet all the time,” she says.
“Jim poops in our toilet all the time because he has three girls who constantly knock on the door and ask him if he can paint their nails or brush Barbie’s hair. His poop gets stage fright at his house. This is completely different. Jackson is depositing spoop in our home!” I complain.
“Will you keep your voice down! He’s going to hear you!” Jenny scolds.
“I think he SHOULD hear me! He can take as many dumps as he likes in my toilet. But they can’t be spoop dumps!”
Jenny mutters to herself as she puts Billy down in his bouncy seat up on the counter and buckles him in.
“Stop saying spoop! I don’t even know what that is. You know I don’t like it when you use big words I don’t know,” she complains as she zips the diaper bag closed.
“It’s very simple to understand. Jackson said he had sex this morning. Thereby confirming that he has spooge floating around in his back door regions. It’s not just poop at that point anymore, Jenny. It’s SPOOP. He’s SPOOPING where we brush our teeth! Now every time I go in there, I’m going to see spoop. Spoop in the toilet, spoop on the floor, spoop on the walls. Everywhere I look there will be SPOOP and it’s all his fault!”
Jackson is gay. Jackson does NOT want to sleep with my wife. This makes me so happy. Spoop makes me so sad.
“That man made you a trophy case and is taking you shoe shopping today. He can spoop on our living room carpet if he wants!” Jenny argues.
“Oh, now you’re just being silly. Why would he spoop on the carpet? He’s not a dog,” I tell her as I make faces at Billy while he coos and smiles at me.
“If you turn out to be gay, you’d never spoop in Daddy’s toilet, would you, Billy? No you wouldn’t! You’d keep your spoop to yourself because you love Daddy.”
A few minutes later, Jackson walks into the kitchen and stands next to me. All I can do is look at his hands and hope he washed the spoop off of them. It will be embarrassing if I have to remind him.
“RAPE ME! MOMMY! RAPE ME!”
Jenny sighs and shakes her head when she hears Veronica yelling from the bathroom in the upstairs hallway.
“Um, is she asking you to rape her?” Jackson questions with a laugh.
“Yep, she totally is. She’s having a hard time saying ‘wipe me’ right now after she goes to the bathroom by herself,” I explain to him.
I wonder when Jackson is in his own home, if he screams, “SPOOP ME! SPOOP ME!”
“It’s not funny when she does it in a McDonald’s bathroom that is full of people,” Jenny says as she leaves the kitchen and heads down the hall to help Veronica.
Jackson and I are left alone together in the kitchen with Billy, and I’m having a hard time looking him in the eye.
“I take it you didn’t know I was gay,” Jackson finally says.
“No, but it’s all good, man. I don’t judge.”
Unless you spoop in my toilet. Then I will judge the mother f**king spoop out of you.
“Okay, good. Because I really like this guy, and I really like you and Jenny,” he tells me.
And you really like to spoop.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I got something else for you,” he says as he jogs over to the front door and picks up a bag I hadn’t even seen him put there.
He walks back over and hands me the bag. I dig inside and pull out a shirt that says: I like bl*w j*bs, anal, and shopping. Not particularly in that order.
Oh man. Here it comes. I’m going to cry.
I throw the shirt on the kitchen counter, grab Jackson, and give him a hug.
“You’re such a good guy. I hope this Dave dude treats you right, and if he doesn’t, I’ll kick his ass. And I don’t care if you want to spoop in my toilet every single day, man. My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose,” I tell him as I release him from the hug.
I have found a new best friend, and I don’t care if he is the meat in a triple decker man sandwich. He makes me trophy cases and buys me non-ass-raping garden gnomes and t-shirts.
As I throw my new shirt on over top of the one I was wearing, Jenny and Veronica emerge from down the hallway.
“Mommy raped my spoop!” Veronica shouts as she runs into the living room.
Chapter 22 – I Wanna Strawberry Laid!
“Wait a minute, so you still haven’t talked to Drew?” Claire asks as we walk over to a rack of clearance clothes and pick through them.
