Trusting Liam
Page 19
He stopped suddenly when he got close to me, and his eyebrows slanted down. “Whoa, are you okay? And where’s Kira?”
“She’s in the car.”
I’d taken a step to walk around him, but he caught my arm and pulled me closer. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong.” I tried yanking my arm from his grasp, but he never loosened his hold.
“You’re lying to me. It’s all over your face.”
“Well then, it’s the sun getting in my eyes.” After another yank, I glared up at him and took a step back.
“Kennedy, why—”
“Will you let go of me?” I asked, my voice rising.
He immediately released my arm, but those ice-blue eyes still held me captive. “You need to tell me what I’m missing here. I know after what happened the other—”
“What happened Thursday night was a mistake.”
“Mistake,” he stated, his voice low and flat. “Are you—God, Kennedy, what do I need to do? Where am I going wrong, because even though you shut down again, I know damn well that ‘mistake’ is not even close to the way you looked after. You looked scared.”
I couldn’t respond to the last part, because even though he and I both knew he was right, I wasn’t about to admit it. “What you need to do is stop trying to make something happen—or stop thinking that there’s something happening. I told you the first day that nothing was going to happen between us. That hasn’t changed.” I started walking past him again, but hadn’t made it more than two steps when I was pulled back. “Liam—”
“Tell me why you’re doing this!” he demanded, but the harsh whisper of his tone had my automatic response dying in my throat. “Tell me what it is that has you running from me.”
The way his eyes were pleading with me was almost enough to make me crumble right there. The truth was bouncing around and around in my mind, begging to be voiced, but I couldn’t allow it. Getting Liam to think that nothing could happen between us was the only way to keep my heart safe. The only mistake I made on Thursday night was that I had given in and kissed him and, in that moment, had fallen for him a little more. That moment had made all of this harder. I hated seeing the pain and confusion on his face, but I couldn’t let myself fall in love with him.
Wait . . . love? That thought snapped me back to the present and to the way he was silently begging me for an honest response. That was the problem right there. Being around Liam had me entertaining the possibility of love again, and I knew better than anyone that love wasn’t real. It was an idea made up for couples. I knew if I let something happen between us, I would stop remembering that, I would let myself believe in it again . . . and then my world would be ripped from me. Just like it had been years ago.
“Kennedy, please.”
With a shake of my head, I pulled my arm away from him—this time there was no resistance. “I don’t know what you want me to say that I haven’t already said.”
When I began walking again, Liam didn’t try to stop me. I wanted to go back to the car and leave, but I knew doing that meant facing Kira—and I wasn’t sure either of us was ready for that yet. As I got closer to Liam’s friends, I continued walking straight ahead instead of joining them. I didn’t know if I knew any of them anyway, and being there meant facing Liam again too soon and without the distraction of my sister. The only reason I’d even agreed to come after what went down the last time I was on this beach was because Kira had told him we’d be there. And despite my own discomfort with the situation, I would do anything if it meant getting her away from the condo. Because the longer we were indoors, the more she fell into her Zane depression . . . not that I’d done much to help that by what I’d just said in the car.
As soon as I reached the shoreline, I walked along the hard, wet sand for ten minutes before turning around to head back. When I knew I was getting closer, I looked up to search out the group, and just in time to catch Kira as she came barreling toward me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she squeezed me tighter.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used what’s going on with you and Zane like that.”
She shrugged and shook her head as she took a step back. “No, you were right. I’ve had the worst mood swings since we moved here. I really shouldn’t have used . . . well, him. That wasn’t fair, I know. It was low, and I knew it would be before I even said it.”
I started to deny it, but a laugh bubbled up from my chest instead. “Yeah, that was pretty shitty. Didn’t know you had it in you.”
Kira smiled widely, but it fell soon after. “Tell me really, why are you pushing Liam away?” I started to respond, but she cut me off by talking over me. “And don’t lie to me again. You know you can’t anyway. I didn’t buy any of what you told me before the bonfire.”
I sighed heavily and my shoulders fell. “I just can’t let him get close to me. You were right . . . about the similarities between the two of them. I hadn’t realized it until I left the car, but I think I still knew before, and it scares me. I’m terrified of the way he makes me feel just by being near me.”
“Just because he was a dick doesn’t mean Liam will be too. You can’t write off all relationships because of one bad one.”
I raised an eyebrow. “But it was a really bad one,” I said in an attempt to help my case.
“They won’t all be.”
“But where will this even go? Liam lives here, we live in Florida. Who knows how much longer we’ll be here? It won’t be forever, and what then? There’s no point in allowing myself to get involved with him.”
Kira was quiet for a minute, her brow pinched together as she thought, and I knew she couldn’t deny that I had a point. “Maybe . . . maybe not. All I know is that when you let your guard down, I see a side of my sister that I haven’t seen in years. I remember the way you looked that day Liam first came up to us in the gym. And I still remember the way you thought about him for months and months after only one night with him. So whether or not this ends badly, I think you should let yourself have fun while we’re here, and while he’s close to you.”
“I don’t think I—”
“You’re already hurting both of you, Kennedy. Just think about it.”
And I did. For about an hour.
I didn’t let my walls completely fall like I had at the bonfire, but I was letting myself have a good time with Liam and his friends, and it was impossible to miss the way Liam was reacting to my mood. I kept catching him staring at me with a hopeful look on his face, and his smiles were never ending, but he was making sure not to get too close. I knew he was being cautious to protect himself, but I was still thankful for it. And without having to watch out for me and my bitchy mood, Kira looked like she was enjoying a day away from her Zane depression.
“See? Not so bad, is it?” Kira asked when we were grabbing drinks out of the coolers.
I tore my eyes away from where Liam had just stretched out on a towel, and looked up at my sister. “What?”
“Letting yourself go when you’re near him. It’s not so bad. It already looks like it’s easier for you than forcing yourself to be miserable.”
“She’s in the car.”
I’d taken a step to walk around him, but he caught my arm and pulled me closer. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong.” I tried yanking my arm from his grasp, but he never loosened his hold.
“You’re lying to me. It’s all over your face.”
“Well then, it’s the sun getting in my eyes.” After another yank, I glared up at him and took a step back.
“Kennedy, why—”
“Will you let go of me?” I asked, my voice rising.
He immediately released my arm, but those ice-blue eyes still held me captive. “You need to tell me what I’m missing here. I know after what happened the other—”
“What happened Thursday night was a mistake.”
“Mistake,” he stated, his voice low and flat. “Are you—God, Kennedy, what do I need to do? Where am I going wrong, because even though you shut down again, I know damn well that ‘mistake’ is not even close to the way you looked after. You looked scared.”
I couldn’t respond to the last part, because even though he and I both knew he was right, I wasn’t about to admit it. “What you need to do is stop trying to make something happen—or stop thinking that there’s something happening. I told you the first day that nothing was going to happen between us. That hasn’t changed.” I started walking past him again, but hadn’t made it more than two steps when I was pulled back. “Liam—”
“Tell me why you’re doing this!” he demanded, but the harsh whisper of his tone had my automatic response dying in my throat. “Tell me what it is that has you running from me.”
The way his eyes were pleading with me was almost enough to make me crumble right there. The truth was bouncing around and around in my mind, begging to be voiced, but I couldn’t allow it. Getting Liam to think that nothing could happen between us was the only way to keep my heart safe. The only mistake I made on Thursday night was that I had given in and kissed him and, in that moment, had fallen for him a little more. That moment had made all of this harder. I hated seeing the pain and confusion on his face, but I couldn’t let myself fall in love with him.
Wait . . . love? That thought snapped me back to the present and to the way he was silently begging me for an honest response. That was the problem right there. Being around Liam had me entertaining the possibility of love again, and I knew better than anyone that love wasn’t real. It was an idea made up for couples. I knew if I let something happen between us, I would stop remembering that, I would let myself believe in it again . . . and then my world would be ripped from me. Just like it had been years ago.
“Kennedy, please.”
With a shake of my head, I pulled my arm away from him—this time there was no resistance. “I don’t know what you want me to say that I haven’t already said.”
When I began walking again, Liam didn’t try to stop me. I wanted to go back to the car and leave, but I knew doing that meant facing Kira—and I wasn’t sure either of us was ready for that yet. As I got closer to Liam’s friends, I continued walking straight ahead instead of joining them. I didn’t know if I knew any of them anyway, and being there meant facing Liam again too soon and without the distraction of my sister. The only reason I’d even agreed to come after what went down the last time I was on this beach was because Kira had told him we’d be there. And despite my own discomfort with the situation, I would do anything if it meant getting her away from the condo. Because the longer we were indoors, the more she fell into her Zane depression . . . not that I’d done much to help that by what I’d just said in the car.
As soon as I reached the shoreline, I walked along the hard, wet sand for ten minutes before turning around to head back. When I knew I was getting closer, I looked up to search out the group, and just in time to catch Kira as she came barreling toward me.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she squeezed me tighter.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used what’s going on with you and Zane like that.”
She shrugged and shook her head as she took a step back. “No, you were right. I’ve had the worst mood swings since we moved here. I really shouldn’t have used . . . well, him. That wasn’t fair, I know. It was low, and I knew it would be before I even said it.”
I started to deny it, but a laugh bubbled up from my chest instead. “Yeah, that was pretty shitty. Didn’t know you had it in you.”
Kira smiled widely, but it fell soon after. “Tell me really, why are you pushing Liam away?” I started to respond, but she cut me off by talking over me. “And don’t lie to me again. You know you can’t anyway. I didn’t buy any of what you told me before the bonfire.”
I sighed heavily and my shoulders fell. “I just can’t let him get close to me. You were right . . . about the similarities between the two of them. I hadn’t realized it until I left the car, but I think I still knew before, and it scares me. I’m terrified of the way he makes me feel just by being near me.”
“Just because he was a dick doesn’t mean Liam will be too. You can’t write off all relationships because of one bad one.”
I raised an eyebrow. “But it was a really bad one,” I said in an attempt to help my case.
“They won’t all be.”
“But where will this even go? Liam lives here, we live in Florida. Who knows how much longer we’ll be here? It won’t be forever, and what then? There’s no point in allowing myself to get involved with him.”
Kira was quiet for a minute, her brow pinched together as she thought, and I knew she couldn’t deny that I had a point. “Maybe . . . maybe not. All I know is that when you let your guard down, I see a side of my sister that I haven’t seen in years. I remember the way you looked that day Liam first came up to us in the gym. And I still remember the way you thought about him for months and months after only one night with him. So whether or not this ends badly, I think you should let yourself have fun while we’re here, and while he’s close to you.”
“I don’t think I—”
“You’re already hurting both of you, Kennedy. Just think about it.”
And I did. For about an hour.
I didn’t let my walls completely fall like I had at the bonfire, but I was letting myself have a good time with Liam and his friends, and it was impossible to miss the way Liam was reacting to my mood. I kept catching him staring at me with a hopeful look on his face, and his smiles were never ending, but he was making sure not to get too close. I knew he was being cautious to protect himself, but I was still thankful for it. And without having to watch out for me and my bitchy mood, Kira looked like she was enjoying a day away from her Zane depression.
“See? Not so bad, is it?” Kira asked when we were grabbing drinks out of the coolers.
I tore my eyes away from where Liam had just stretched out on a towel, and looked up at my sister. “What?”
“Letting yourself go when you’re near him. It’s not so bad. It already looks like it’s easier for you than forcing yourself to be miserable.”
