Two of a Kind

Page 37

Breaking free would have been easy enough. Gideon knew all the moves. He could have had them all gasping for breath in ten seconds. He eyed Justice. Okay, maybe that would be a more difficult fight, but he figured he had a fifty-fifty chance. But was that what he wanted?
Gideon relaxed on the stool, and Justice released his arm.
“Civilian life was tough,” Morgan continued. “My old girlfriend had married someone else. I hated the farm. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I took off. Hitchhiked around the country, did drugs, became a drunk. Somebody pulled me out of the gutter, and I started to get better. Then I met Audrey.”
Morgan smiled, his gaze looking past them to something only he could see. “Beautiful girl. Too good for me, which is who every man should marry. She was patient with my failings and loved me more than I deserved. But I couldn’t love her back. I couldn’t go there. The scars went too deep.”
He looked at Gideon. “I was a fool, and I nearly lost her. Came to my senses facedown in a gutter, barely remembering my name. I nearly died from alcohol poisoning.” He smiled. “That was thirty-five years ago. I have loved her every day since. We only had seventeen years together, then cancer took her. On her deathbed she made me promise I wouldn’t give in to my demons again. I’ve kept that promise.”
“I know what love does,” Gideon said, figuring the truth was all he had left.
“No, you don’t,” Morgan told him. “If you did, you’d be with that pretty girl of yours and not here drinking with us. Love makes you strong. If you’re brave enough to hand over everything you have and take that leap of faith. For me it was either love Audrey or stay in the gutter and die. You’re in the gutter, my friend. The difference is, you can’t see it.”
He could see it all right, Gideon thought. What they didn’t get was he didn’t care. He belonged here.
Justice tossed a couple of bills on the bar and stood.
“Patience told you?” Gideon asked as the other man turned to leave.
Justice nodded. “Felicia told her yesterday. The women had one of their get-togethers last night. From what I heard, it was lots of margaritas and ice cream and calling you a bastard. They’re all hungover this morning, so I’d stay clear if I were you.” He started to leave.
“Wait.” Gideon rose. “Aren’t you going to hit me or something?”
“No need to hit a man when he’s already down.”
* * *
GIDEON PUSHED THE button and started the CD track. The Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows” played in the studio. The same song went out on the airwaves, but he cared less about that. Tonight was about searching and hopefully finding.
He’d spent the day walking around town and his evening working out. He was exhausted but not tired, spent but not at peace. The ache inside him refused to go away, and sleep was impossible. He needed the one thing he could never have. Morgan had been right—he was in a gutter and he had no way to crawl out.
Without any conscious plan, he flipped the switch that activated his microphone. “Today, I want to talk a little bit about the past, about my past.”
He paused, not sure what to say next. “Some of you know that I served in our armed forces. There are things that happened, things I saw, that challenged everything I believed in. I was taken prisoner with other men. Good men who served with honor. They loved their country and their families. For a long time, I knew the reason I’d made it and they hadn’t was that they couldn’t forget those they’d left behind. They missed them, longed for them, called out to them. Racked with fever from open wounds and burns, they thought they were back home and reading stories to their children. But they weren’t. They were in a cell, and I watched each of them die until I was the last man standing. Because I was alone and I thought that made me strong.”
He didn’t have to close his eyes to see the other men. They were with him, always. “I don’t know why I made it and they didn’t. I only know that when my friends dragged me out of there, I knew I was never going back. I was never going to risk their pain. I had learned my lesson.”
What if he’d known about Carter, he thought grimly. How much worse things would have been. How—
Or was that true? He’d had nothing to miss, which he’d always seen as a strength, but he’d also had nothing to live for. Once he’d been rescued, he’d had nothing to keep him moving forward except the knowledge that he was alive.
Morgan had talked about being unable to fit in and how his Audrey had saved him. Would Carter have made a difference? Would Felicia?
The phone lines lit up. Gideon figured he was going to get an earful and pushed the first one.
“Don’t you think you’ve been punished enough?” a woman asked. “Gideon, there’s no reason to blame yourself for surviving when those other men didn’t. Only God knows the answer, and if you spend too much time asking, you’ll waste what you’ve been given. A chance with your son and Felicia. That’s the real crime. Not that you lived, but that you’re not living now.”
He didn’t recognize the voice, and he had no idea who she was. “All right,” he said slowly. “Uh, thanks for calling.”
The second caller was a man. “War is hell. Thanks for serving, son. Thanks to all who serve. Now, walk away from what you did and walk toward what matters. When you’re old and ready to meet your maker you’re not going to be thinking about what you did or what you owned. You’re going to be thinking about the people you love. So get to it.”
There were several more calls just like that, followed by what sounded like a teenage girl requesting less “really old songs and more Justin Bieber.”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Gideon said with a chuckle and hung up.
He leaned back in his chair. This was what Felicia wanted, he thought, getting it for the first time. A community to care. People who would tell her when she was being an idiot and when she was on track. A safety net and all the other clichés about being surrounded by people who loved you and whom you loved back.
He stood, prepared to claim, to be a part of this. Then the memories were back, the screams, the pain. The knowledge that even though his body was alive, he’d already given up. And by giving up, he was dead.
The red button flashed. Someone was at the back door. He tore off his headphones and raced to the rear of the building. When he jerked open the door, he grimaced.
“You,” he grumbled.
Angel raised his eyebrows. “I was expecting more of a greeting.”
“You’re not who I was expecting.”
His friend studied him. “No. I’m not who you wanted. No offense, but you’re not my type, either. I came to finish your shift.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t leave dead air out there. I’ve watched you put the CDs in and push the button. I can do it.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Angel shook his head. “You’re as stupid as you look. You’re leaving because a woman like Felicia comes along once in a lifetime. Because if you don’t go after her, someone else will. You’ve been given a second chance. Didn’t that guru guy in Bali teach you anything? The only way to heal what’s wrong with you inside is to love her and trust her.”
“Like you know anything about being in love?” Gideon paused, belatedly remembering that Angel’s wife and son had been killed. “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry.”
Something flashed in Angel’s eyes. A sharp pain that cut to the soul. Gideon recognized it because he’d felt it himself.
“Apology accepted,” Angel said. “Having gone through what I did, I know you’ll regret losing Felicia until your last breath. I know that you’ve finally found where you belong, and there’s no way you can stay here without her. What’s that line from that stupid movie? She completes you, bro. Only it’s more than that. You have a woman who understands you and a kid like Carter and you’re confused?”
Gideon felt as if someone had hit him on the side of the head with a two-by-four. For a second, the world went dark and quiet, and then it all cleared again. He had been looking for answers about why he had survived and there were none. Or maybe the answer was twofold: Carter and Felicia.
He looked at his friend, the one who had risked his own life to pull him from that Taliban prison.
“I owe you,” he said quietly.
“Yeah, I know. Now get out of here.”
Gideon pulled his truck keys from his pocket and headed for the parking lot. He turned back and yelled, “Keep it clean. We have kids listening.”
Angel laughed.
* * *
FELICIA DROVE QUICKLY but carefully. She was willing to go five miles over the speed limit but not much more. Not while still in town.
“This is taking forever,” Carter grumbled.
“I don’t want to get in an accident.”
“I know. Sorry. I’m nervous.”
That was one word, Felicia thought. Terrified was another. Because while listening to Gideon, she’d realized she’d done exactly the wrong thing when she’d walked away. She’d taken the easy way out. Sure, she’d been hurt, but she’d also been scared. She hadn’t stood up for herself. She hadn’t told him what she wanted. She hadn’t made it clear she loved him.
Gideon was dealing with a past that would have killed most men and had caused the death of nearly a half-dozen excellent soldiers. He would never be like everyone else, but that was why she loved him. Because of who he was now.
She turned left to head out to the radio station and saw a truck driving into town. She slammed on the brakes. The truck driver did the same.
She was out of her car in a second and running across the street. The truck door opened, and Gideon got out. They stared at each other. Behind her she heard a car door slam and assumed Carter was joining them.
Gideon looked wonderful, she thought, her heart aching. Tall and strong. Loyal. There were ghosts, but she was comfortable with his past. He would always have issues, but no one was better at logistical planning than she was. They could figure it out together.
“I heard your show,” she began. “We both did. That was brave.”
“No. Brave isn’t telling the truth.”
“Sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s easier to keep the secret. What if they’d confirmed your darkest fears? That you didn’t deserve to be the one who survived?”
He flinched. “How did you know?”
“You weren’t grateful to be alive. You were trying to figure out how to be strong, but you also suffered from survivor’s guilt. A natural result of what you went through.”
“Got a flowchart for that?”
“I could make one.” She paused and held out her arm. Carter joined them.
Gideon looked at his son. There were explanations, he thought. For later.
He reached for the boy and held him tight. “I’m never letting go,” he promised. “No matter what. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I have a lot of work to do to show you how important you are to me. I’ve been...scared. Scared to let you in. Scared to disappoint you.”
“Dad.” Carter’s voice was muffled. “We’re going to be okay.”
“Yes, we are, son. We are.”
Felicia fought her own tears, watching the two men she cared about most finally connect. It was so perfect.
She drew in a breath, knowing it was her turn to be brave. “I’ve been keeping secrets, too. I didn’t tell you I love you, Gideon, and I do. I want you and me and Carter to be a family. I want us to get married and have more children.”
One corner of Gideon’s mouth turned up. “That sounded a whole lot like a proposal.”
“Oh. I hadn’t considered that. I meant it to be informational. I would never propose. Socially, that’s the man’s purview, even if the truth is women hold families together much more than men. Women are also happier when they live alone, whereas men do better when they have a partner.”
“Felicia,” Carter hissed.
She turned to him. “What?”
“You’re getting off the point.”
“Oh, you’re right.” She looked back at Gideon. “I wasn’t proposing.”
“As long as that’s clear. But you’re saying I can’t be happy without you.”
“I didn’t mean that, exactly.” Why was this so hard? She loved him and wanted them to be together. She wanted to stop hurting inside and know that she could give her heart to him.
“Gideon, I—”
He moved closer and touched his fingers to her mouth. “You need to be quiet now.”
His hand settled on her waist, and he pulled her against him. She went willingly, needing to feel the heat of him. In his arms, she’d found her home. Without him, she was broken. She would stay strong, for Carter’s sake, but she wasn’t looking forward to the struggle.
“I’m sorry for all I put you through.” He looked past her. “You, too, son.”
“That’s okay, Dad.”
Gideon smiled. “Okay.” He returned his attention to her. “You never waver, Felicia, never take the easy way out. I admire you and I respect you. I want us to be together. You, me and Carter. Carter and I need you.” He looked at Carter, who nodded. “We love you, Felicia.”
She flung her arms around him and hung on, knowing she would never let go.
“All right!” Carter cheered. “I’m heading back to the car now, and I’m going to turn up the radio, if you guys want to kiss awhile.”