Ugly Love
Page 15
Miles walks to a nearby trash can and tosses the empty bag into it, then heads back toward me while staring down at the ground. He doesnt even make eye contact with me when we both begin walking in the direction of the apartment complex.
I want to tell him thank you, but I dont. If I tell him thank you, it would seem like I assume he did that for me.
I know he didnt do it for me.
He did it for the man who was cold.
Miles asked me to go home as soon as we returned. He said he didnt want me to see his apartment until he had everything decorated, which was good, because I had a lot of homework to catch up on anyway. I didnt really have time carved out of my schedule to hang up curtains, so I appreciated that he didnt expect my help.
He seemed a little bit excited about hanging up new curtains. As excited as Miles can seem, anyway.
Its been several hours now. I have to be at work in less than three hours, and as soon as I begin to wonder if hes even going to ask me to come back over, I receive a text from him.
Miles: Have you eaten yet?
Me: Yes.
Im suddenly disappointed that I already ate dinner. But I got tired of waiting for him, and he never said anything about dinner plans.
Me: Corbin made meat loaf last night before he left. You want me to bring you a plate?
Miles: Id love that. Starving. Come look now.
I make him a plate and wrap it in foil before heading across the hall. Hes opening the door before I even knock. He takes the plate out of my hands. Wait here, he says. He steps inside his apartment and returns seconds later without the plate. Ready?
I have no idea how I know hes excited, because hes not smiling. I can hear it in his voice, though. Theres a subtle change, and it makes me smile, knowing something as simple as hanging up some curtains makes him feel good. I dont know why, but it seems as if there isnt a lot in his life that makes him feel good, so I like that this does.
He opens the door all the way, and I take a few steps into the apartment. The curtains are up, and even though its a small change, it feels huge. Knowing hes lived here for four years and hes just now putting up curtains gives the whole apartment a different feel.
You made a good choice, I tell him, admiring how well the curtains match what little I know about his personality.
I look down at the rug, and he can see the confusion as it crosses my face.
I know its supposed to go under the table, he says, looking down at it. It will. Eventually.
Its positioned in an odd spot. Its not in the center of the room or even in front of the couch. Im confused about why he placed it where he did if he knows where it would look the best.
I left it there because I was hoping we could christen it first.
I look back up at him and see the adorably hopeful expression on his face. It makes me smile. I like that idea, I say, looking back down at the rug.
A long silence passes between us. Im not sure if he wants to christen the rug right this minute or if he wants to eat first. Im fine with either. As long as his plan fits within my three-hour time frame.
Were both still staring at the rug when he speaks again. Ill eat later, he says, answering the question that was silently running through my head.
He pulls off his shirt, and I kick off my shoes, and the rest of our clothes eventually end up together, next to the rug.
Chapter sixteen
MILES
Six years earlier
Everything is better now that I have Rachel.
Falling asleep is better, knowing Rachel is falling asleep right
across the hall.
Waking up every morning is so much better, knowing Rachel
is waking up right across the hall.
Going to school is better, now that we go together.
Lets skip today, I tell Rachel when we pull into the parking
lot of the school.
Im sure skipping school is even better with Rachel.
What if we get caught?
She doesnt sound like she really cares if we get caught.
I hope we get caught, I tell her. That means wed be
grounded. Together. In the same house.
My words make Rachel smile. She leans across the seat and
slides her hand around my neck. I love it when she does that.
Being grounded with you sounds really fun. Lets do it. She
leans forward and gives me a simple, quick peck on the lips.
Simple kisses are better when theyre from Rachel.
You make everything better, I tell her. My life. Its better
with you in it.
My words make Rachel smile again. Rachel doesnt know this,
but every word I speak is voiced for that sole reason. To make
her smile.
I pull out of the parking lot and tell Rachel were going to the
beach. She says she wants her bathing suit, so we go to the
house first and get our bathing suits. We also pack a lunch and
a blanket.
We go to the beach.
Rachel wants to sunbathe while she reads.
I want to watch Rachel sunbathe while she reads.
Shes lying on her stomach, propped up on her elbows. I lay my
head on my arms and watch her.
My eyes follow the smooth curves of her shoulders … the
sway in her back … the way her knees are bent and her legs
are up in the air with her feet crossed at the ankles.
Rachel is happy.
I make Rachel happy.
I make Rachels life better.
Her life is better with me in it.
Rachel, I whisper.
She places her bookmark inside the book and closes it, but she
doesnt look at me.
I want you to know something.
She nods, but she closes her eyes as though she wants to focus
on my voice and nothing else.
When my mom died, I stopped believing in God.
She lays her head on her arms and keeps her eyes shut.
I didnt think God would make someone go through that
much physical pain. I didnt think God would make someone
suffer like she suffered. I didnt think God was capable of
making someone go through something so ugly.
A tear falls from Rachels closed eyes.
But then I met you, and every single day since then, Ive
wondered how someone could be so beautiful if there wasnt
a God. Ive wondered how someone could make me so
incredibly happy if God didnt exist. And I realized … just
now … that God gives us the ugliness so we dont take the
beautiful things in life for granted.
My words dont make Rachel smile.
My words make Rachel frown.
My words make Rachel cry.
Miles, she whispers.
She says my name so quietly its as if she doesnt want me to
hear it.
She looks at me, and I can see that this moment isnt one of the
beautiful moments for her. Not like it is for me.
Miles … Im late.
Chapter seventeen
TATE
Corbin: Want to grab dinner? What time do you get off work?
Me: Ten minutes. Where at?
Corbin: Were nearby. Well just meet you out front.
We?
I cant ignore the excitement that just flooded me with that text. Surely the we means him and Miles. I cant think of anyone else who would be coming with him, and I know Miles came home last night.
I finish up the last of my paperwork, then make a stop in the restroom to check my hair (I hate that I care) before heading outside to meet them.
The three of them are standing near the entrance when I walk outside. Ian and Miles are both with Corbin. Ian smiles when he sees me, since hes the only one facing me. Corbin spins around when I reach them.
Ready? Were going to Jacks.
Theyre quite the team. All good-looking in their own ways but even more so when theyre sporting their pilot jackets and walking in a group like this. I cant deny I feel somewhat underdressed, walking next to them in my scrubs. Lets do it, I say. Im starving.
I glance at Miles, and he gives me the slightest nod but no smile. His hands are planted firmly in the pockets of his jacket, and he looks away as we all begin walking. He stays a step ahead of me the entire time, so I walk next to Corbin.
Whats the occasion? I ask as we head toward the restaurant. Are we celebrating the fact that all three of you are off on the same night?
A silent conversation passes around me. Ian looks at Miles. Corbin looks at Ian. Miles looks at no one. He keeps his eyes forward, focused on the sidewalk ahead of us.
Remember when we were kids and Mom and Dad took us to La Caprese? Corbin asks.
I remember that night. Ive never seen my parents happier. I couldnt have been older than five or six, but its one of the few memories I have from that young an age. It was the day my father made captain with his airline.
I stop in my tracks and immediately look at Corbin. You made captain? You cant get captain. Youre too young. I know for a fact how hard it is to make captain and how many hours a pilot has to put in to be considered. Most pilots in their twenties are copilots.
Corbin shakes his head. I didnt get captain. Ive changed airlines too much. He cuts his eyes to Miles. But Mr. Sign Me Up for More Hours over here got a nice little promotion today. Broke the company record.
I look at Miles, and hes shaking his head at Corbin. I can tell hes embarrassed that Corbin just called him out, but his modesty is just one more thing I find appealing about him. I have a feeling that if their friend Dillon were ever to make captain, hed be on top of a bar somewhere, announcing it to the entire world with a megaphone.
Its not that big a deal, Miles says. Its a regional airline. Not many people to promote.
Ian shakes his head. I didnt get promoted. Corbin didnt get promoted. Dillon didnt get promoted. Youve been at this a year less than any of us, not to mention the fact that youre only twenty-four. He spins around and walks backward, facing all three of us. Abandon the modesty for once, man. Rub it in our faces a little. Wed do it to you if the roles were reversed.
I dont know how long theyve been friends, but I like Ian. I can tell he and Miles are close, because Ian is genuinely proud of him and not at all jealous. I like that these are Corbins friends. It makes me happy for Corbin that he has this support. Ive always pictured him living here, working too much, spending all his time alone and away from home. I dont know why, though. Our father was a pilot, and he was home a fair amount of time, so I shouldnt have misconceptions when it comes to Corbins life as a pilot.
I guess Corbin isnt the only one to worry unnecessarily about his sibling.
We reach the restaurant, and Corbin holds the door open for us. Ian walks in first, and Miles steps back, allowing me to walk in ahead of him.
Im going to the restroom, Ian says. Ill find you guys.
Corbin walks to the hostess stand, and Miles and I are both behind him. I steal a glance in Miless direction. Congratulations, Captain.
I say it under my breath, but I dont know why. Its not as if Corbin would become suspicious if he heard me congratulating Miles. I guess I feel if I say it in a tone only Miles can hear, theres more meaning behind it.
Miles cuts his eyes to mine and smiles, then glances at Corbin. When he sees Corbins back is still to us, he leans over and plants a quick kiss on the side of my head.
I should be ashamed of my weakness. A man should not be allowed to make me feel the way that stolen kiss just made me feel. Its as if Im suddenly floating or sinking or flying. Anything that doesnt require support from my legs, because theyve just become useless to me.
Thank you, he whispers, still sporting that gorgeous yet somehow modest grin. He nudges my shoulder with his and looks down at his feet. You look pretty, Tate.
I want to plaster those four words on a billboard and require myself to pass it on my drive to work every day. I would never take another day off work again.
As much as I want to believe hes being sincere with his compliment, I frown down at the scrubs Ive been wearing for twelve hours straight. Im wearing Minnie Mouse scrubs.
He leans into me again until our shoulders are touching. Ive kind of always had a thing for Minnie Mouse, he says quietly.
Corbin turns around, so I immediately wipe the grin off my face. Booth or table?
Miles and I both shrug. Either, he says to Corbin.
Ian returns from the restroom just as the hostess begins to lead us to our seats. Corbin and Ian lead the way, and Miles follows close behind me. Really close. His hand grips my waist as he leans forward toward my ear from behind me. Kind of have a thing for nurses, too, he whispers.
I raise my shoulder to rub the ear he just whispered his admission into, because my entire neck is now covered in chills. He releases my waist and puts distance between us when we reach the booth. Corbin and Ian scoot into each side of the booth. Miles sits next to Ian, so I sit next to Corbin, directly across from Miles.
Miles and I both order sodas, compared with Ian and Corbins beer. His drink choice is just one more thing to mull over. Several weeks ago, he admitted he doesnt usually drink, but considering he was beyond wasted the first night I met him, I figured he would at least have one drink tonight. He certainly has reason to celebrate. When the drinks are brought to the table, Ian raises his glass. To showing us up, he says.
Again, Corbin adds.
To working twice as many hours as either of you, Miles says in mock defensiveness.
Corbin and I actually have sex lives that interfere with working overtime, Ian retorts.
Corbin shakes his head. No discussing my sex life in front of my sister.
Why not? I pipe up. Its not like I dont notice all the random nights you spend away from the apartment when you arent working.
Corbin groans. Im serious. Change of subject.
I grant him his request gladly. How long have the three of you known each other? I ask the question to no one in particular, but I only care to hear the answers that involve Miles.
I want to tell him thank you, but I dont. If I tell him thank you, it would seem like I assume he did that for me.
I know he didnt do it for me.
He did it for the man who was cold.
Miles asked me to go home as soon as we returned. He said he didnt want me to see his apartment until he had everything decorated, which was good, because I had a lot of homework to catch up on anyway. I didnt really have time carved out of my schedule to hang up curtains, so I appreciated that he didnt expect my help.
He seemed a little bit excited about hanging up new curtains. As excited as Miles can seem, anyway.
Its been several hours now. I have to be at work in less than three hours, and as soon as I begin to wonder if hes even going to ask me to come back over, I receive a text from him.
Miles: Have you eaten yet?
Me: Yes.
Im suddenly disappointed that I already ate dinner. But I got tired of waiting for him, and he never said anything about dinner plans.
Me: Corbin made meat loaf last night before he left. You want me to bring you a plate?
Miles: Id love that. Starving. Come look now.
I make him a plate and wrap it in foil before heading across the hall. Hes opening the door before I even knock. He takes the plate out of my hands. Wait here, he says. He steps inside his apartment and returns seconds later without the plate. Ready?
I have no idea how I know hes excited, because hes not smiling. I can hear it in his voice, though. Theres a subtle change, and it makes me smile, knowing something as simple as hanging up some curtains makes him feel good. I dont know why, but it seems as if there isnt a lot in his life that makes him feel good, so I like that this does.
He opens the door all the way, and I take a few steps into the apartment. The curtains are up, and even though its a small change, it feels huge. Knowing hes lived here for four years and hes just now putting up curtains gives the whole apartment a different feel.
You made a good choice, I tell him, admiring how well the curtains match what little I know about his personality.
I look down at the rug, and he can see the confusion as it crosses my face.
I know its supposed to go under the table, he says, looking down at it. It will. Eventually.
Its positioned in an odd spot. Its not in the center of the room or even in front of the couch. Im confused about why he placed it where he did if he knows where it would look the best.
I left it there because I was hoping we could christen it first.
I look back up at him and see the adorably hopeful expression on his face. It makes me smile. I like that idea, I say, looking back down at the rug.
A long silence passes between us. Im not sure if he wants to christen the rug right this minute or if he wants to eat first. Im fine with either. As long as his plan fits within my three-hour time frame.
Were both still staring at the rug when he speaks again. Ill eat later, he says, answering the question that was silently running through my head.
He pulls off his shirt, and I kick off my shoes, and the rest of our clothes eventually end up together, next to the rug.
Chapter sixteen
MILES
Six years earlier
Everything is better now that I have Rachel.
Falling asleep is better, knowing Rachel is falling asleep right
across the hall.
Waking up every morning is so much better, knowing Rachel
is waking up right across the hall.
Going to school is better, now that we go together.
Lets skip today, I tell Rachel when we pull into the parking
lot of the school.
Im sure skipping school is even better with Rachel.
What if we get caught?
She doesnt sound like she really cares if we get caught.
I hope we get caught, I tell her. That means wed be
grounded. Together. In the same house.
My words make Rachel smile. She leans across the seat and
slides her hand around my neck. I love it when she does that.
Being grounded with you sounds really fun. Lets do it. She
leans forward and gives me a simple, quick peck on the lips.
Simple kisses are better when theyre from Rachel.
You make everything better, I tell her. My life. Its better
with you in it.
My words make Rachel smile again. Rachel doesnt know this,
but every word I speak is voiced for that sole reason. To make
her smile.
I pull out of the parking lot and tell Rachel were going to the
beach. She says she wants her bathing suit, so we go to the
house first and get our bathing suits. We also pack a lunch and
a blanket.
We go to the beach.
Rachel wants to sunbathe while she reads.
I want to watch Rachel sunbathe while she reads.
Shes lying on her stomach, propped up on her elbows. I lay my
head on my arms and watch her.
My eyes follow the smooth curves of her shoulders … the
sway in her back … the way her knees are bent and her legs
are up in the air with her feet crossed at the ankles.
Rachel is happy.
I make Rachel happy.
I make Rachels life better.
Her life is better with me in it.
Rachel, I whisper.
She places her bookmark inside the book and closes it, but she
doesnt look at me.
I want you to know something.
She nods, but she closes her eyes as though she wants to focus
on my voice and nothing else.
When my mom died, I stopped believing in God.
She lays her head on her arms and keeps her eyes shut.
I didnt think God would make someone go through that
much physical pain. I didnt think God would make someone
suffer like she suffered. I didnt think God was capable of
making someone go through something so ugly.
A tear falls from Rachels closed eyes.
But then I met you, and every single day since then, Ive
wondered how someone could be so beautiful if there wasnt
a God. Ive wondered how someone could make me so
incredibly happy if God didnt exist. And I realized … just
now … that God gives us the ugliness so we dont take the
beautiful things in life for granted.
My words dont make Rachel smile.
My words make Rachel frown.
My words make Rachel cry.
Miles, she whispers.
She says my name so quietly its as if she doesnt want me to
hear it.
She looks at me, and I can see that this moment isnt one of the
beautiful moments for her. Not like it is for me.
Miles … Im late.
Chapter seventeen
TATE
Corbin: Want to grab dinner? What time do you get off work?
Me: Ten minutes. Where at?
Corbin: Were nearby. Well just meet you out front.
We?
I cant ignore the excitement that just flooded me with that text. Surely the we means him and Miles. I cant think of anyone else who would be coming with him, and I know Miles came home last night.
I finish up the last of my paperwork, then make a stop in the restroom to check my hair (I hate that I care) before heading outside to meet them.
The three of them are standing near the entrance when I walk outside. Ian and Miles are both with Corbin. Ian smiles when he sees me, since hes the only one facing me. Corbin spins around when I reach them.
Ready? Were going to Jacks.
Theyre quite the team. All good-looking in their own ways but even more so when theyre sporting their pilot jackets and walking in a group like this. I cant deny I feel somewhat underdressed, walking next to them in my scrubs. Lets do it, I say. Im starving.
I glance at Miles, and he gives me the slightest nod but no smile. His hands are planted firmly in the pockets of his jacket, and he looks away as we all begin walking. He stays a step ahead of me the entire time, so I walk next to Corbin.
Whats the occasion? I ask as we head toward the restaurant. Are we celebrating the fact that all three of you are off on the same night?
A silent conversation passes around me. Ian looks at Miles. Corbin looks at Ian. Miles looks at no one. He keeps his eyes forward, focused on the sidewalk ahead of us.
Remember when we were kids and Mom and Dad took us to La Caprese? Corbin asks.
I remember that night. Ive never seen my parents happier. I couldnt have been older than five or six, but its one of the few memories I have from that young an age. It was the day my father made captain with his airline.
I stop in my tracks and immediately look at Corbin. You made captain? You cant get captain. Youre too young. I know for a fact how hard it is to make captain and how many hours a pilot has to put in to be considered. Most pilots in their twenties are copilots.
Corbin shakes his head. I didnt get captain. Ive changed airlines too much. He cuts his eyes to Miles. But Mr. Sign Me Up for More Hours over here got a nice little promotion today. Broke the company record.
I look at Miles, and hes shaking his head at Corbin. I can tell hes embarrassed that Corbin just called him out, but his modesty is just one more thing I find appealing about him. I have a feeling that if their friend Dillon were ever to make captain, hed be on top of a bar somewhere, announcing it to the entire world with a megaphone.
Its not that big a deal, Miles says. Its a regional airline. Not many people to promote.
Ian shakes his head. I didnt get promoted. Corbin didnt get promoted. Dillon didnt get promoted. Youve been at this a year less than any of us, not to mention the fact that youre only twenty-four. He spins around and walks backward, facing all three of us. Abandon the modesty for once, man. Rub it in our faces a little. Wed do it to you if the roles were reversed.
I dont know how long theyve been friends, but I like Ian. I can tell he and Miles are close, because Ian is genuinely proud of him and not at all jealous. I like that these are Corbins friends. It makes me happy for Corbin that he has this support. Ive always pictured him living here, working too much, spending all his time alone and away from home. I dont know why, though. Our father was a pilot, and he was home a fair amount of time, so I shouldnt have misconceptions when it comes to Corbins life as a pilot.
I guess Corbin isnt the only one to worry unnecessarily about his sibling.
We reach the restaurant, and Corbin holds the door open for us. Ian walks in first, and Miles steps back, allowing me to walk in ahead of him.
Im going to the restroom, Ian says. Ill find you guys.
Corbin walks to the hostess stand, and Miles and I are both behind him. I steal a glance in Miless direction. Congratulations, Captain.
I say it under my breath, but I dont know why. Its not as if Corbin would become suspicious if he heard me congratulating Miles. I guess I feel if I say it in a tone only Miles can hear, theres more meaning behind it.
Miles cuts his eyes to mine and smiles, then glances at Corbin. When he sees Corbins back is still to us, he leans over and plants a quick kiss on the side of my head.
I should be ashamed of my weakness. A man should not be allowed to make me feel the way that stolen kiss just made me feel. Its as if Im suddenly floating or sinking or flying. Anything that doesnt require support from my legs, because theyve just become useless to me.
Thank you, he whispers, still sporting that gorgeous yet somehow modest grin. He nudges my shoulder with his and looks down at his feet. You look pretty, Tate.
I want to plaster those four words on a billboard and require myself to pass it on my drive to work every day. I would never take another day off work again.
As much as I want to believe hes being sincere with his compliment, I frown down at the scrubs Ive been wearing for twelve hours straight. Im wearing Minnie Mouse scrubs.
He leans into me again until our shoulders are touching. Ive kind of always had a thing for Minnie Mouse, he says quietly.
Corbin turns around, so I immediately wipe the grin off my face. Booth or table?
Miles and I both shrug. Either, he says to Corbin.
Ian returns from the restroom just as the hostess begins to lead us to our seats. Corbin and Ian lead the way, and Miles follows close behind me. Really close. His hand grips my waist as he leans forward toward my ear from behind me. Kind of have a thing for nurses, too, he whispers.
I raise my shoulder to rub the ear he just whispered his admission into, because my entire neck is now covered in chills. He releases my waist and puts distance between us when we reach the booth. Corbin and Ian scoot into each side of the booth. Miles sits next to Ian, so I sit next to Corbin, directly across from Miles.
Miles and I both order sodas, compared with Ian and Corbins beer. His drink choice is just one more thing to mull over. Several weeks ago, he admitted he doesnt usually drink, but considering he was beyond wasted the first night I met him, I figured he would at least have one drink tonight. He certainly has reason to celebrate. When the drinks are brought to the table, Ian raises his glass. To showing us up, he says.
Again, Corbin adds.
To working twice as many hours as either of you, Miles says in mock defensiveness.
Corbin and I actually have sex lives that interfere with working overtime, Ian retorts.
Corbin shakes his head. No discussing my sex life in front of my sister.
Why not? I pipe up. Its not like I dont notice all the random nights you spend away from the apartment when you arent working.
Corbin groans. Im serious. Change of subject.
I grant him his request gladly. How long have the three of you known each other? I ask the question to no one in particular, but I only care to hear the answers that involve Miles.
