Ugly Love
Page 23
Not about to argue with that logic.
I just dont know how to deal with this thing between us. He steps closer to me, and I stand up. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me against his chest. I dont know an easy or even polite way to say this, but what I said to Corbin is the truth. Ill never love anyone again. Its not worth it to me. But Im being unfair to you. I know Im messing with your head, and I know Ive hurt you, and Im sorry for that. I just like being with you, but every time Im with you, Im scared youre seeing it for more than it really is.
I know I should have some sort of reaction to everything he just said, but Im still processing his words. Every single one of his admissions should be a red flag, since they were all also coupled with the hard truth that he doesnt plan on loving me or having a relationship with me, but the red flag doesnt rise.
The green one does.
Is it me specifically you dont want to love, or is it love in general you dont want to experience?
He pulls me away from his chest so he can look at me while he answers my question. Its love in general I dont want, Tate. Ever. Its you specifically that I just … want.
I fall in and out and back in love with that answer.
Im so screwed up. Everything he says should send me running, but instead, it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and give him whatever it is hes willing to take from me. Im lying to him, and Im lying to myself, and Im not doing either of us any good, but I cant stop the words that come out of my mouth.
I can handle this as long as it stays simple, I tell him. When you pull the shit you pulled a few weeks ago by walking away and slamming your door? Thats not keeping it simple, Miles. Things like that make it complicated.
He nods, contemplating what Ive said. Simple, he says, rolling the word around in his mouth. If you can do simple, I can do simple.
Good, I say. And when it becomes too hard for either of us, well end it for good.
Im not worried about it becoming too hard for me, he says. Im worried about it becoming too hard for you.
Im worried about me, too, Miles. But I want the here and now with you a whole lot more than I care about how it will affect me in the end.
With that thought, I suddenly figure out what my one rule is. Hes had his boundaries this entire time, protecting himself from the vulnerability that Ive been subjected to.
I think I finally have my one rule, I say. He looks at me and raises a brow, waiting for me to talk. Dont give me false hope for a future, I say. Especially if you know in your heart well never have one.
His posture immediately stiffens. Have I done that? he asks, genuinely concerned. Have I given you false hope before?
Yes. About thirty minutes ago, when you looked me in the eyes the entire time you were inside me.
No, I say quickly. Just make sure you dont do or say things that would make me believe otherwise. As long as we both see this for what it is, I think well be fine.
He stares at me silently for a while, studying me. Evaluating my words. I cant tell if youre really mature for your age or really delusional.
I shrug, guarding my delusions deep inside my chest. An unhealthy mixture of both, Im sure.
He presses his lips against the side of my head. This feels really f**ked up to say out loud, but I promise I wont give you hope for us, Tate.
My heart frowns at his words, but my face forces a smile. Good, I say. You have serious issues that kind of freak me out, and Id much rather fall in love with an emotionally stable man someday.
He laughs. Probably because he knows the odds of finding someone who can put up with this kind of relationship, if you can even call it that, are extremely low. Yet somehow, the one girl who might be fine with it just happened to move in across the hall from him. And he actually likes her.
You like me, Miles Archer.
Corbin found out, I say as I take what has become my usual seat next to Cap.
Uh-oh, he says. Is the boy still alive?
I nod. For now. Not sure how long thatll last, though.
The doors to the lobby open, and I watch Dillon make his way inside. He pulls a hat off his head and shakes rain out of it as he walks toward the elevator.
Sometimes I wish the flights I send up would crash, Cap says, eyeing Dillon.
I guess Cap doesnt like Dillon, either. Im beginning to feel a little bad for Dillon.
He spots us just before he reaches the elevators. Cap is moving to press the up button, but Dillon reaches it before him. Im pretty capable of fetching my own elevator, old man, he says.
I vaguely remember having a brief thought ten seconds ago about Dillon and how I felt sorry for him. I take that thought back now.
Dillon looks at me and winks. What you doing, Tate?
Washing elephants, I say with a straight face.
Dillon shoots me a confused look, not at all understanding my random response.
If you dont want a sarcastic answer, Cap says to him, dont ask a stupid question.
The elevator doors open, and Dillon rolls his eyes at both of us before walking onto the elevator.
Cap cuts his eyes to mine, and he grins. He holds a palm up in the air, and I high-five him.
Chapter twenty-four
MILES
Six years earlier
Why is everything yellow?
My dad is standing in the doorway to Rachels bedroom,
looking at the few items weve collected in the months since
hes known about the pregnancy. It looks like Big Bird threw
up in here.
Rachel laughs. Shes standing at the bathroom mirror, putting
the finishing touches on her makeup. Ive been lying on her
bed, watching her.
We dont want to know if its a boy or a girl, so were buying
gender-neutral colors.
Rachel answers my dads question as if it were one of many,
but we both know its the first. He hasnt asked about the
pregnancy. He doesnt ask about our plans. He usually leaves
the room if Rachel and I are both in it.
Lisa isnt much different. Shes not past the point of
disappointment or sadness yet, so we dont push it. Itll take
time, so Rachel and I are giving that to them.
Right now, Rachel only has me to talk to about the baby, and
I only have her, and even though that seems like too little, its
more than enough for both of us.
How long will the ceremony last? my dad asks me.
No more than two hours, I tell him.
He says we should go.
I tell him that as soon as Rachel is ready, we can go.
Rachel says shes ready.
We go.
Congratulations, I tell Rachel.
Congratulations, she tells me.
We both graduated three hours ago. Now were lying on my
bed, thinking about our next step. Or at least I am, anyway.
Lets move in together, I tell her.
She laughs. We kind of already live together, Miles, she
points out.
I shake my head. You know what I mean. I know we already
have plans for after we start college in August, but I think we
should do it now.
She rises up on her elbow and looks at me, probably trying to
read my expression to see if Im serious.
How? Where would we go?
I reach over to my nightstand and open the top drawer. I pull
out the letter and hand it to her.
She begins reading it out loud.
Dear Mr. Archer,
She looks up at me, and her eyes are wide.
Congratulations on your summer registration. We are pleased
to inform you that your application for family housing has been
processed and approved.
Rachel smiles.
Enclosed you will find a return envelope and the final
paperwork which will need to be returned by the postmarked
date.
Rachel looks at the envelope and quickly flips through the
attached paperwork. She pulls the letter back to the top.
We look forward to receiving the completed forms. Our contact
information is below should you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Paige Donahue, Registrar
Rachel covers her smile with her hand and tosses the letter
aside, then leans forward and hugs me.
We get to move now? she says.
I love how evident the excitement is in her voice.
I tell her yes. Rachel is relieved. She knows as well as I do how
awkward the next several weeks would have been in the same
house as our parents.
Have you asked your father yet?
I tell her she forgets that were adults now. We no longer have
to ask for permission. We only have to inform.
Rachel says she wants to inform them right now.
I take Rachels hand, and we walk together to the living room
and inform our parents that were moving out.
Together.
Chapter twenty-five
TATE
Its been a few weeks since Corbin found out. He hasnt accepted it, and he still hasnt spoken to Miles, but hes beginning to adapt. He knows on the nights I leave without explanation, only to come back a few hours later, where Ive been. He doesnt ask.
As far as things with Miles, Im the one doing the adapting. Ive had to adapt to his rules, because theres no way Miles is adapting to breaking them. Ive learned to stop trying to figure him out and to stop allowing things to get so tense between us. Were doing exactly what we agreed to do in the beginning, which was to have sex.
A lot of sex.
Shower sex. Bedroom sex. Floor sex. Kitchen-table sex.
Ive still never spent the night with him, and it still hurts sometimes how closed off he becomes right after its over, but I still havent figured out a way to say no to him.
I know I want so much more than what hes giving me and he wants so much less than what I want to give him, but were both just taking what we can get for now. I try not to think about what will happen the day I cant handle it anymore. I try not to think about all the other things Im sacrificing by still being involved with him.
I try not to think about it at all, but the thoughts still come. Every night, when Im in bed, I think about it. Every time Im in the shower, I think about it. When Im in class, in the living room, in the kitchen, at work … I think about whats going to happen when one of us finally comes to our senses.
Is Tate a nickname for something else? Miles asks me.
Were in his bed. He just got home from four days at work, and even though our arrangement is supposed to be all about sex, were still fully dressed. Were not making out. Hes just lying with me, asking me personal questions about my name, and I love it so much more than any other day weve ever spent together.
Its the first time hes ever asked me a semi-personal question. I hate that his question fills me with all these feelings of hope, and all he did was ask me if Tate was a nickname.
Tate is my middle name, I say. It was my grandmothers maiden name.
Whats your first name?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Tate Collins, he says, making love to my name with his voice. My name has never sounded as beautiful as it did just now, coming out of his mouth. Thats almost twice as many syllables as my name, he says. Thats a lot of syllables.
Whats your middle name?
Mikel, he says. People always mispronounce it and say Michael, though. Gets annoying.
Miles Mikel Archer, I say. Thats a strong name.
Miles rises onto his elbow and looks down at me with a peaceful expression. He brushes my hair behind my ear as his eyes roam over my face. Anything interesting happen this week while I was working, Elizabeth Tate Collins? Theres a playfulness in his voice. One that Im not familiar with, but I like it. I like it a lot.
Not really, Miles Mikel Archer, I say, smiling. I worked a lot of overtime.
Do you still like your job? His fingers are touching my face, sliding across my lips, trailing down my neck.
I do like it, I say. Do you like being a captain? I just throw versions of his own questions back at him. I figure its safe that way, because I know hell only give what hes willing to take.
Miles follows his hand with his eyes as he unbuttons the top button of my shirt. I love my job, Tate. His fingers work on the second button of my shirt. I just dont like being gone so much, especially knowing youre right across the hall from where I live. It makes me want to be home all the time.
I try to contain it, but I cant. His words make me gasp, even though it was probably the quietest gasp to ever pass anyones lips.
But he notices.
His eyes meet mine in a flash, and I can see him wanting to backpedal. He wants to take back what he just said, because there was hope in those words. Miles doesnt say things like that. I know hes about to apologize. Hes going to remind me that he cant love me, that he didnt mean to give me that inkling of false hope.
Dont take it back, Miles. Please, let me keep that.
Our eyes remain locked for several long seconds. I continue to stare up at him, waiting for the take-back. His fingers are still on the second button of my shirt, but theyre not attempting to unbutton it anymore.
He focuses on my mouth, then back to my eyes again, then back to my mouth. Tate, he whispers. He says my name so softly Im not even sure if his mouth moves.
I dont have time to respond. His hand leaves the button of my shirt and slides through my hair at the same moment as his lips connect fiercely with mine. He slides his body on top of me, and his kiss instantly becomes intense. Deep. Dominating. His kiss is full of something thats never been there before. Full of feeling. Full of hope.
Until this moment, I thought a kiss was a kiss was a kiss. I had no idea kisses could mean different things and feel so completely opposite from one another. In the past, Ive always felt passion and desire and lust … but this time, its different.
I just dont know how to deal with this thing between us. He steps closer to me, and I stand up. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and holds me against his chest. I dont know an easy or even polite way to say this, but what I said to Corbin is the truth. Ill never love anyone again. Its not worth it to me. But Im being unfair to you. I know Im messing with your head, and I know Ive hurt you, and Im sorry for that. I just like being with you, but every time Im with you, Im scared youre seeing it for more than it really is.
I know I should have some sort of reaction to everything he just said, but Im still processing his words. Every single one of his admissions should be a red flag, since they were all also coupled with the hard truth that he doesnt plan on loving me or having a relationship with me, but the red flag doesnt rise.
The green one does.
Is it me specifically you dont want to love, or is it love in general you dont want to experience?
He pulls me away from his chest so he can look at me while he answers my question. Its love in general I dont want, Tate. Ever. Its you specifically that I just … want.
I fall in and out and back in love with that answer.
Im so screwed up. Everything he says should send me running, but instead, it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and give him whatever it is hes willing to take from me. Im lying to him, and Im lying to myself, and Im not doing either of us any good, but I cant stop the words that come out of my mouth.
I can handle this as long as it stays simple, I tell him. When you pull the shit you pulled a few weeks ago by walking away and slamming your door? Thats not keeping it simple, Miles. Things like that make it complicated.
He nods, contemplating what Ive said. Simple, he says, rolling the word around in his mouth. If you can do simple, I can do simple.
Good, I say. And when it becomes too hard for either of us, well end it for good.
Im not worried about it becoming too hard for me, he says. Im worried about it becoming too hard for you.
Im worried about me, too, Miles. But I want the here and now with you a whole lot more than I care about how it will affect me in the end.
With that thought, I suddenly figure out what my one rule is. Hes had his boundaries this entire time, protecting himself from the vulnerability that Ive been subjected to.
I think I finally have my one rule, I say. He looks at me and raises a brow, waiting for me to talk. Dont give me false hope for a future, I say. Especially if you know in your heart well never have one.
His posture immediately stiffens. Have I done that? he asks, genuinely concerned. Have I given you false hope before?
Yes. About thirty minutes ago, when you looked me in the eyes the entire time you were inside me.
No, I say quickly. Just make sure you dont do or say things that would make me believe otherwise. As long as we both see this for what it is, I think well be fine.
He stares at me silently for a while, studying me. Evaluating my words. I cant tell if youre really mature for your age or really delusional.
I shrug, guarding my delusions deep inside my chest. An unhealthy mixture of both, Im sure.
He presses his lips against the side of my head. This feels really f**ked up to say out loud, but I promise I wont give you hope for us, Tate.
My heart frowns at his words, but my face forces a smile. Good, I say. You have serious issues that kind of freak me out, and Id much rather fall in love with an emotionally stable man someday.
He laughs. Probably because he knows the odds of finding someone who can put up with this kind of relationship, if you can even call it that, are extremely low. Yet somehow, the one girl who might be fine with it just happened to move in across the hall from him. And he actually likes her.
You like me, Miles Archer.
Corbin found out, I say as I take what has become my usual seat next to Cap.
Uh-oh, he says. Is the boy still alive?
I nod. For now. Not sure how long thatll last, though.
The doors to the lobby open, and I watch Dillon make his way inside. He pulls a hat off his head and shakes rain out of it as he walks toward the elevator.
Sometimes I wish the flights I send up would crash, Cap says, eyeing Dillon.
I guess Cap doesnt like Dillon, either. Im beginning to feel a little bad for Dillon.
He spots us just before he reaches the elevators. Cap is moving to press the up button, but Dillon reaches it before him. Im pretty capable of fetching my own elevator, old man, he says.
I vaguely remember having a brief thought ten seconds ago about Dillon and how I felt sorry for him. I take that thought back now.
Dillon looks at me and winks. What you doing, Tate?
Washing elephants, I say with a straight face.
Dillon shoots me a confused look, not at all understanding my random response.
If you dont want a sarcastic answer, Cap says to him, dont ask a stupid question.
The elevator doors open, and Dillon rolls his eyes at both of us before walking onto the elevator.
Cap cuts his eyes to mine, and he grins. He holds a palm up in the air, and I high-five him.
Chapter twenty-four
MILES
Six years earlier
Why is everything yellow?
My dad is standing in the doorway to Rachels bedroom,
looking at the few items weve collected in the months since
hes known about the pregnancy. It looks like Big Bird threw
up in here.
Rachel laughs. Shes standing at the bathroom mirror, putting
the finishing touches on her makeup. Ive been lying on her
bed, watching her.
We dont want to know if its a boy or a girl, so were buying
gender-neutral colors.
Rachel answers my dads question as if it were one of many,
but we both know its the first. He hasnt asked about the
pregnancy. He doesnt ask about our plans. He usually leaves
the room if Rachel and I are both in it.
Lisa isnt much different. Shes not past the point of
disappointment or sadness yet, so we dont push it. Itll take
time, so Rachel and I are giving that to them.
Right now, Rachel only has me to talk to about the baby, and
I only have her, and even though that seems like too little, its
more than enough for both of us.
How long will the ceremony last? my dad asks me.
No more than two hours, I tell him.
He says we should go.
I tell him that as soon as Rachel is ready, we can go.
Rachel says shes ready.
We go.
Congratulations, I tell Rachel.
Congratulations, she tells me.
We both graduated three hours ago. Now were lying on my
bed, thinking about our next step. Or at least I am, anyway.
Lets move in together, I tell her.
She laughs. We kind of already live together, Miles, she
points out.
I shake my head. You know what I mean. I know we already
have plans for after we start college in August, but I think we
should do it now.
She rises up on her elbow and looks at me, probably trying to
read my expression to see if Im serious.
How? Where would we go?
I reach over to my nightstand and open the top drawer. I pull
out the letter and hand it to her.
She begins reading it out loud.
Dear Mr. Archer,
She looks up at me, and her eyes are wide.
Congratulations on your summer registration. We are pleased
to inform you that your application for family housing has been
processed and approved.
Rachel smiles.
Enclosed you will find a return envelope and the final
paperwork which will need to be returned by the postmarked
date.
Rachel looks at the envelope and quickly flips through the
attached paperwork. She pulls the letter back to the top.
We look forward to receiving the completed forms. Our contact
information is below should you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Paige Donahue, Registrar
Rachel covers her smile with her hand and tosses the letter
aside, then leans forward and hugs me.
We get to move now? she says.
I love how evident the excitement is in her voice.
I tell her yes. Rachel is relieved. She knows as well as I do how
awkward the next several weeks would have been in the same
house as our parents.
Have you asked your father yet?
I tell her she forgets that were adults now. We no longer have
to ask for permission. We only have to inform.
Rachel says she wants to inform them right now.
I take Rachels hand, and we walk together to the living room
and inform our parents that were moving out.
Together.
Chapter twenty-five
TATE
Its been a few weeks since Corbin found out. He hasnt accepted it, and he still hasnt spoken to Miles, but hes beginning to adapt. He knows on the nights I leave without explanation, only to come back a few hours later, where Ive been. He doesnt ask.
As far as things with Miles, Im the one doing the adapting. Ive had to adapt to his rules, because theres no way Miles is adapting to breaking them. Ive learned to stop trying to figure him out and to stop allowing things to get so tense between us. Were doing exactly what we agreed to do in the beginning, which was to have sex.
A lot of sex.
Shower sex. Bedroom sex. Floor sex. Kitchen-table sex.
Ive still never spent the night with him, and it still hurts sometimes how closed off he becomes right after its over, but I still havent figured out a way to say no to him.
I know I want so much more than what hes giving me and he wants so much less than what I want to give him, but were both just taking what we can get for now. I try not to think about what will happen the day I cant handle it anymore. I try not to think about all the other things Im sacrificing by still being involved with him.
I try not to think about it at all, but the thoughts still come. Every night, when Im in bed, I think about it. Every time Im in the shower, I think about it. When Im in class, in the living room, in the kitchen, at work … I think about whats going to happen when one of us finally comes to our senses.
Is Tate a nickname for something else? Miles asks me.
Were in his bed. He just got home from four days at work, and even though our arrangement is supposed to be all about sex, were still fully dressed. Were not making out. Hes just lying with me, asking me personal questions about my name, and I love it so much more than any other day weve ever spent together.
Its the first time hes ever asked me a semi-personal question. I hate that his question fills me with all these feelings of hope, and all he did was ask me if Tate was a nickname.
Tate is my middle name, I say. It was my grandmothers maiden name.
Whats your first name?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Tate Collins, he says, making love to my name with his voice. My name has never sounded as beautiful as it did just now, coming out of his mouth. Thats almost twice as many syllables as my name, he says. Thats a lot of syllables.
Whats your middle name?
Mikel, he says. People always mispronounce it and say Michael, though. Gets annoying.
Miles Mikel Archer, I say. Thats a strong name.
Miles rises onto his elbow and looks down at me with a peaceful expression. He brushes my hair behind my ear as his eyes roam over my face. Anything interesting happen this week while I was working, Elizabeth Tate Collins? Theres a playfulness in his voice. One that Im not familiar with, but I like it. I like it a lot.
Not really, Miles Mikel Archer, I say, smiling. I worked a lot of overtime.
Do you still like your job? His fingers are touching my face, sliding across my lips, trailing down my neck.
I do like it, I say. Do you like being a captain? I just throw versions of his own questions back at him. I figure its safe that way, because I know hell only give what hes willing to take.
Miles follows his hand with his eyes as he unbuttons the top button of my shirt. I love my job, Tate. His fingers work on the second button of my shirt. I just dont like being gone so much, especially knowing youre right across the hall from where I live. It makes me want to be home all the time.
I try to contain it, but I cant. His words make me gasp, even though it was probably the quietest gasp to ever pass anyones lips.
But he notices.
His eyes meet mine in a flash, and I can see him wanting to backpedal. He wants to take back what he just said, because there was hope in those words. Miles doesnt say things like that. I know hes about to apologize. Hes going to remind me that he cant love me, that he didnt mean to give me that inkling of false hope.
Dont take it back, Miles. Please, let me keep that.
Our eyes remain locked for several long seconds. I continue to stare up at him, waiting for the take-back. His fingers are still on the second button of my shirt, but theyre not attempting to unbutton it anymore.
He focuses on my mouth, then back to my eyes again, then back to my mouth. Tate, he whispers. He says my name so softly Im not even sure if his mouth moves.
I dont have time to respond. His hand leaves the button of my shirt and slides through my hair at the same moment as his lips connect fiercely with mine. He slides his body on top of me, and his kiss instantly becomes intense. Deep. Dominating. His kiss is full of something thats never been there before. Full of feeling. Full of hope.
Until this moment, I thought a kiss was a kiss was a kiss. I had no idea kisses could mean different things and feel so completely opposite from one another. In the past, Ive always felt passion and desire and lust … but this time, its different.
