Ugly Love
Page 33
She looks down at the key one more time, then says two words that bring an immediate smile to my face.
Hell and yes.
I lean forward and kiss her. Our legs and arms and mouths become two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together effortlessly. She winds up in my lap, straddling me in the cockpit of the airplane.
Its cramped and tight.
Its perfect.
Im not a very good cook, though, she warns. And you do laundry way better than I do. I just throw all the whites and colors together. And you know Im not very nice in the morning. Shes holding my face, spouting off every warning she can, as if I dont know what Im getting myself into.
Listen, Tate, I tell her. I want your mess. I want your clothes on my bedroom floor. I want your toothbrush in my bathroom. I want your shoes in my closet. I want your mediocre leftovers in my fridge.
She laughs at that.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I say, pulling the other box from my pocket. I hold it up between us and open it, revealing the ring. I also want you in my future. Forever.
Her mouth is open in shock, and shes staring at the ring. Shes frozen. I hope she doesnt have doubts, because I have absolutely none when it comes to wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. I know its only been six months, but when you know, you know.
Her silence makes me nervous, so I quickly remove the ring and pick up her hand. Will you break rule number two with me, Tate? Because I really want to marry you.
She doesnt even have to say yes. Her tears and her kiss and her laugh say it for her.
She pulls back and looks at me with so much love and appreciation it makes my chest hurt.
Shes absolutely beautiful. Her hope is beautiful. The smile on her face is beautiful. The tears streaming down her cheeks are beautiful.
Her love is beautiful.
She exhales a soft breath and leans in slowly, gently pressing her lips to mine. Her kiss is filled with tenderness and affection and an unspoken promise that shes mine now.
Forever.
Miles, she whispers against my mouth, teasing my lips with hers. Ive never made love in an airplane before.
A smile immediately forms on my lips. Its as if she somehow infiltrated my thoughts.
Ive never made love to my fiancée before, I say in response.
Her hands slowly slide down my neck and shirt until her fingers meet the button on my jeans.
Well, I think we need to rectify that, she says, ending her sentence with a kiss.
When her mouth meets mine again, its as if every last piece of my armor disintegrates and every last piece of ice surrounding the glacier that was my heart melts and evaporates.
Whoever coined the phrase, I love you to death obviously never experienced the kind of love Tate and I share.
If that were the case, the phrase would be I love you to life.
Because thats exactly what Tate did.
She loved me back to life.
The end.
EPILOGUE
I think back to the day I married her.
It was one of the best days of my life.
I remember standing next to Ian and Corbin at the end of the aisle. We were waiting for her to walk through the doors when Corbin leaned over and whispered something to me.
He said, Youre the only one who could have ever met my standards for her, Miles. Im happy its you.
I was happy it was me, too.
That was more than two years ago, and every day since then, Ive somehow fallen in love with her a little bit more.
Or flew, rather.
I didnt cry the day I married her, though.
Her tears were falling falling falling that day, but mine werent.
I was convinced they never would.
Not in the way I wished they could.
It was eight months ago when we found out we were having a baby.
We werent trying to have a baby, but we also werent not trying.
If it happens it happens, Tate said.
It happened.
When we found out, we were both excited.
She cried.
Her tears were falling falling but mine werent.
As excited as I was, I was also scared.
I was scared of the fear that comes along with loving someone that much.
Scared of everything bad that could happen.
I was scared that my memories would take away from the day I became a father again.
Well, it just happened.
And Im still scared.
Terrified.
Its a girl, the doctor says.
A girl.
We just had a baby girl.
I just became a father again.
Tate just became a mother.
Feel something, Miles.
Tate looks up at me.
I know she can see the fear in my eyes. I also know how much pain shes in right now, but she still somehow manages a smile.
Sam, she whispers, saying her name out loud for the first time. Tate insisted we name her Sam in honor of Caps real name, Samuel.
I wouldnt have had it any other way.
The nurse walks over to Tate and lays Sam in her arms.
Tate begins to cry.
My eyes are still dry.
Im still too scared to look away from Tate and down at our daughter.
Im not afraid of what Ill feel when I look at her.
Im afraid of what I wont feel.
Im terrified my past experiences have ruined any ability I have to feel what every father should feel in this moment.
Come here, Tate says, wanting me closer.
I sit down next to them on the bed.
She hands Sam to me, and my hands are shaking, but I take her anyway.
I close my eyes and release a slow breath before finding the courage to open them again.
I feel Tates hand fall gently to my arm.
Shes beautiful, Miles, she whispers. Look at her.
I open my eyes and inhale sharply when I see her.
She looks just like he did, except that she has Tates brown hair.
Her eyes are blue.
She has my eyes.
I feel it.
Its all there.
Everything I felt the first time I held him in my arms is every single thing Im feeling now as I look down at her.
Believing that I lacked the ability to love someone in this capacity again was the only fear I had left to conquer.
One look at Sam, and she just helped me conquer that fear.
Shes already my hero, and shes only two minutes old.
Shes so beautiful, Tate, I whisper. So beautiful.
My voice cracks.
My face is covered in tears.
Falling
Falling
Falling.
For the first time since the moment I held Clayton in my arms, Im crying tears of joy.
Rachel was right. The pain will always be there.
So will the fear.
But the pain and fear are no longer my life. Theyre only moments.
Moments that are constantly overshadowed with every minute I spend with Tate.
And now with every minute I spend with Sam.
Me and Tate and Sam.
My family.
I kiss her on the forehead, and then I lean over and kiss Tate for giving me something this beautiful again.
Tate lays her head on my arm, and we both watch her.
Our daughter.
I love you so much, Sam.
Im looking down at the perfection we created when it hits me.
Its all worth it.
Its the beautiful moments like these that make up for the ugly love.
Hell and yes.
I lean forward and kiss her. Our legs and arms and mouths become two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together effortlessly. She winds up in my lap, straddling me in the cockpit of the airplane.
Its cramped and tight.
Its perfect.
Im not a very good cook, though, she warns. And you do laundry way better than I do. I just throw all the whites and colors together. And you know Im not very nice in the morning. Shes holding my face, spouting off every warning she can, as if I dont know what Im getting myself into.
Listen, Tate, I tell her. I want your mess. I want your clothes on my bedroom floor. I want your toothbrush in my bathroom. I want your shoes in my closet. I want your mediocre leftovers in my fridge.
She laughs at that.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I say, pulling the other box from my pocket. I hold it up between us and open it, revealing the ring. I also want you in my future. Forever.
Her mouth is open in shock, and shes staring at the ring. Shes frozen. I hope she doesnt have doubts, because I have absolutely none when it comes to wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. I know its only been six months, but when you know, you know.
Her silence makes me nervous, so I quickly remove the ring and pick up her hand. Will you break rule number two with me, Tate? Because I really want to marry you.
She doesnt even have to say yes. Her tears and her kiss and her laugh say it for her.
She pulls back and looks at me with so much love and appreciation it makes my chest hurt.
Shes absolutely beautiful. Her hope is beautiful. The smile on her face is beautiful. The tears streaming down her cheeks are beautiful.
Her love is beautiful.
She exhales a soft breath and leans in slowly, gently pressing her lips to mine. Her kiss is filled with tenderness and affection and an unspoken promise that shes mine now.
Forever.
Miles, she whispers against my mouth, teasing my lips with hers. Ive never made love in an airplane before.
A smile immediately forms on my lips. Its as if she somehow infiltrated my thoughts.
Ive never made love to my fiancée before, I say in response.
Her hands slowly slide down my neck and shirt until her fingers meet the button on my jeans.
Well, I think we need to rectify that, she says, ending her sentence with a kiss.
When her mouth meets mine again, its as if every last piece of my armor disintegrates and every last piece of ice surrounding the glacier that was my heart melts and evaporates.
Whoever coined the phrase, I love you to death obviously never experienced the kind of love Tate and I share.
If that were the case, the phrase would be I love you to life.
Because thats exactly what Tate did.
She loved me back to life.
The end.
EPILOGUE
I think back to the day I married her.
It was one of the best days of my life.
I remember standing next to Ian and Corbin at the end of the aisle. We were waiting for her to walk through the doors when Corbin leaned over and whispered something to me.
He said, Youre the only one who could have ever met my standards for her, Miles. Im happy its you.
I was happy it was me, too.
That was more than two years ago, and every day since then, Ive somehow fallen in love with her a little bit more.
Or flew, rather.
I didnt cry the day I married her, though.
Her tears were falling falling falling that day, but mine werent.
I was convinced they never would.
Not in the way I wished they could.
It was eight months ago when we found out we were having a baby.
We werent trying to have a baby, but we also werent not trying.
If it happens it happens, Tate said.
It happened.
When we found out, we were both excited.
She cried.
Her tears were falling falling but mine werent.
As excited as I was, I was also scared.
I was scared of the fear that comes along with loving someone that much.
Scared of everything bad that could happen.
I was scared that my memories would take away from the day I became a father again.
Well, it just happened.
And Im still scared.
Terrified.
Its a girl, the doctor says.
A girl.
We just had a baby girl.
I just became a father again.
Tate just became a mother.
Feel something, Miles.
Tate looks up at me.
I know she can see the fear in my eyes. I also know how much pain shes in right now, but she still somehow manages a smile.
Sam, she whispers, saying her name out loud for the first time. Tate insisted we name her Sam in honor of Caps real name, Samuel.
I wouldnt have had it any other way.
The nurse walks over to Tate and lays Sam in her arms.
Tate begins to cry.
My eyes are still dry.
Im still too scared to look away from Tate and down at our daughter.
Im not afraid of what Ill feel when I look at her.
Im afraid of what I wont feel.
Im terrified my past experiences have ruined any ability I have to feel what every father should feel in this moment.
Come here, Tate says, wanting me closer.
I sit down next to them on the bed.
She hands Sam to me, and my hands are shaking, but I take her anyway.
I close my eyes and release a slow breath before finding the courage to open them again.
I feel Tates hand fall gently to my arm.
Shes beautiful, Miles, she whispers. Look at her.
I open my eyes and inhale sharply when I see her.
She looks just like he did, except that she has Tates brown hair.
Her eyes are blue.
She has my eyes.
I feel it.
Its all there.
Everything I felt the first time I held him in my arms is every single thing Im feeling now as I look down at her.
Believing that I lacked the ability to love someone in this capacity again was the only fear I had left to conquer.
One look at Sam, and she just helped me conquer that fear.
Shes already my hero, and shes only two minutes old.
Shes so beautiful, Tate, I whisper. So beautiful.
My voice cracks.
My face is covered in tears.
Falling
Falling
Falling.
For the first time since the moment I held Clayton in my arms, Im crying tears of joy.
Rachel was right. The pain will always be there.
So will the fear.
But the pain and fear are no longer my life. Theyre only moments.
Moments that are constantly overshadowed with every minute I spend with Tate.
And now with every minute I spend with Sam.
Me and Tate and Sam.
My family.
I kiss her on the forehead, and then I lean over and kiss Tate for giving me something this beautiful again.
Tate lays her head on my arm, and we both watch her.
Our daughter.
I love you so much, Sam.
Im looking down at the perfection we created when it hits me.
Its all worth it.
Its the beautiful moments like these that make up for the ugly love.
