Uncivilized
Page 94
“I’m not being passive aggressive. I’ll just be aggressive, how does that sound? Everything that is bothering you right now has to do with the fact that you have no clue what’s going on. Fear of the unknown is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have no clue if Zach is safe. You have no clue if he returned your feelings. You have no clue whether you would have worked out in the long term. You need those answers or you are never going to have any peace.”
Now it’s my turn to snort. “I know the answer to one thing… we were never going to work out in the long run. He only committed a year here, so in some respects, maybe this is easier. Imagine how much harder it would have been when he left me after a year… after my feelings had gotten even deeper.”
Lisa blinks at me, and her mouth hangs open slightly. “You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?” I sneer, the wine feeling warm in my veins. “That Zach was just probably using me for sex, but even the prospect of returning back to a bloody war was better than staying here to f**k me?”
“Oh, God,” Lisa says with an eye roll. “Enough with the dramatics. No… you don’t know that Zach had decided to stay here permanently, do you?”
“What?” I practically screech as I lean across the table. “Why would you say that?”
Lisa leans back in her chair and thoughtfully runs her finger over the rim of her own wineglass. She smiles at me with mischief. “Oh, this is delicious. You seriously have no idea that Zach apparently had deeper feelings for you than you even give him credit for.”
My eyebrow arches at her. “As evidenced by the fact that he left me?” I point out snidely.
“As evidenced by the fact that he had met with Randall and told him that he decided to stay… here with you. He asked for Randall’s help… a job so he could help contribute to the household.”
“Tell me you’re kidding me,” I demand with a sickening feeling in my stomach. “Tell me this is a joke, because I really don’t need to hear right now that he had feelings for me. I was better off being pissed at him for leaving.”
“Sorry, sis. He and Randall came up with a plan to get his GED and then get into college. Zach insisted though that he have some way to earn income, so Randall was going to hire him at a Cannon’s store and sort of start him at the bottom so he could work his way up.”
My mouth hangs agape. “How do you know all this?”
“Because I bothered to talk to Randall. You’d know this too if you had responded to his calls and emails. He’s worried sick about you.”
My head hangs in shame. It’s true… I’ve been ignoring everyone. After I dropped Zach off at the airport, I went back to his house, packed my things, and left. I had sent Randall a brief email that I was returning to Evanston and that the key to Zach’s house was under the doormat. He had responded back immediately that he needed to talk to me, but I deleted it. He sent me several more emails, which I deleted without reading. I didn’t need his sympathy, and I was better off handling this on my own. I also disregarded all of his calls and wiped his voice mails from my phone without listening to them.
“Zach really told Randall he wanted to stay here permanently?” I ask, still disbelieving… still refusing to hope he had deeper feelings for me than I suspected.
“Apparently the morning he left. He went to Randall’s office.”
I remember waking up that morning and Zach’s side of the bed being cold. I had sat up in bed, a bit gingerly because my hip joints were a little sore from the way Zach had held my legs up, and my ass stung a little.
But, oh God. That was the most incredible sexual experience I’ve ever had. I had hoped Zach had found as much pleasure in it as I did, because I so wanted to do that again. He was so primal and raw with me, but at the same time, so tender and thoughtful. When he’d asked me if I trusted him, and I answered that I did, his smile told me that that had meant more to him than anything up to that point.
I had no clue where Zach went. I had assumed out for a walk… maybe down to the bakery we both loved to pick us up some breakfast. I made my cup of coffee, sat down to read my email, and then everything started spinning out of control when Father Gaul called me.
I knew when he told me what happened to Paraila and the tribe that Zach was probably lost to me. I knew that I could never compete with the type of love and loyalty Zach had for his people.
So it sort of stings just a bit more to know that Zach had made the choice to stay with me. For one brief, shining moment, he opened himself up and put me first, and I had no clue. He hadn’t bothered to wake me up and tell me. He went off on his own, made his plans, and then kept them from me. He didn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me that before he left because maybe… just maybe, it would have given me some hope for the future.
I can only guess by the way he completely withdrew from me and told me he wasn’t coming back, that he had once again changed his mind and determined I wasn’t more important than what waited for him back in Caraica.
Sighing deeply, I push my plate away from me. “I’m kind of tired,” I tell Lisa in a soft voice. “Mind if we go ahead and leave?”
“Moira… don’t withdraw. Let’s continue to talk about this. I know you’re hurting.”
I give her a sad smile. “I am hurting and I love you for your concern, but I think the best thing to do is leave this alone. Zach made his choice, and I have to honor it. Some wishes aren’t destined to come true.”
Now it’s my turn to snort. “I know the answer to one thing… we were never going to work out in the long run. He only committed a year here, so in some respects, maybe this is easier. Imagine how much harder it would have been when he left me after a year… after my feelings had gotten even deeper.”
Lisa blinks at me, and her mouth hangs open slightly. “You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?” I sneer, the wine feeling warm in my veins. “That Zach was just probably using me for sex, but even the prospect of returning back to a bloody war was better than staying here to f**k me?”
“Oh, God,” Lisa says with an eye roll. “Enough with the dramatics. No… you don’t know that Zach had decided to stay here permanently, do you?”
“What?” I practically screech as I lean across the table. “Why would you say that?”
Lisa leans back in her chair and thoughtfully runs her finger over the rim of her own wineglass. She smiles at me with mischief. “Oh, this is delicious. You seriously have no idea that Zach apparently had deeper feelings for you than you even give him credit for.”
My eyebrow arches at her. “As evidenced by the fact that he left me?” I point out snidely.
“As evidenced by the fact that he had met with Randall and told him that he decided to stay… here with you. He asked for Randall’s help… a job so he could help contribute to the household.”
“Tell me you’re kidding me,” I demand with a sickening feeling in my stomach. “Tell me this is a joke, because I really don’t need to hear right now that he had feelings for me. I was better off being pissed at him for leaving.”
“Sorry, sis. He and Randall came up with a plan to get his GED and then get into college. Zach insisted though that he have some way to earn income, so Randall was going to hire him at a Cannon’s store and sort of start him at the bottom so he could work his way up.”
My mouth hangs agape. “How do you know all this?”
“Because I bothered to talk to Randall. You’d know this too if you had responded to his calls and emails. He’s worried sick about you.”
My head hangs in shame. It’s true… I’ve been ignoring everyone. After I dropped Zach off at the airport, I went back to his house, packed my things, and left. I had sent Randall a brief email that I was returning to Evanston and that the key to Zach’s house was under the doormat. He had responded back immediately that he needed to talk to me, but I deleted it. He sent me several more emails, which I deleted without reading. I didn’t need his sympathy, and I was better off handling this on my own. I also disregarded all of his calls and wiped his voice mails from my phone without listening to them.
“Zach really told Randall he wanted to stay here permanently?” I ask, still disbelieving… still refusing to hope he had deeper feelings for me than I suspected.
“Apparently the morning he left. He went to Randall’s office.”
I remember waking up that morning and Zach’s side of the bed being cold. I had sat up in bed, a bit gingerly because my hip joints were a little sore from the way Zach had held my legs up, and my ass stung a little.
But, oh God. That was the most incredible sexual experience I’ve ever had. I had hoped Zach had found as much pleasure in it as I did, because I so wanted to do that again. He was so primal and raw with me, but at the same time, so tender and thoughtful. When he’d asked me if I trusted him, and I answered that I did, his smile told me that that had meant more to him than anything up to that point.
I had no clue where Zach went. I had assumed out for a walk… maybe down to the bakery we both loved to pick us up some breakfast. I made my cup of coffee, sat down to read my email, and then everything started spinning out of control when Father Gaul called me.
I knew when he told me what happened to Paraila and the tribe that Zach was probably lost to me. I knew that I could never compete with the type of love and loyalty Zach had for his people.
So it sort of stings just a bit more to know that Zach had made the choice to stay with me. For one brief, shining moment, he opened himself up and put me first, and I had no clue. He hadn’t bothered to wake me up and tell me. He went off on his own, made his plans, and then kept them from me. He didn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me that before he left because maybe… just maybe, it would have given me some hope for the future.
I can only guess by the way he completely withdrew from me and told me he wasn’t coming back, that he had once again changed his mind and determined I wasn’t more important than what waited for him back in Caraica.
Sighing deeply, I push my plate away from me. “I’m kind of tired,” I tell Lisa in a soft voice. “Mind if we go ahead and leave?”
“Moira… don’t withdraw. Let’s continue to talk about this. I know you’re hurting.”
I give her a sad smile. “I am hurting and I love you for your concern, but I think the best thing to do is leave this alone. Zach made his choice, and I have to honor it. Some wishes aren’t destined to come true.”
