Unconditional
Page 22
Tears roll down my cheeks, hot and shameful.
How could I have been so selfish?
“It’s my fault,” I whisper. “I spent all that time blaming them instead of him. I turned away when he criticized Mom, I told myself she was bringing it on herself. And now…now it’s too late to make it up to her.”
“You were just a kid,” Garrett argues.
“No!” I cry, pulling away from him, trying to wipe the tears from my face. “It didn’t stop there. For years, I let them down, over and over. I went off to college and tried to pretend like it didn’t matter. And then…”
My words die in my throat, but I can’t stop now. I have to face it all.
“That summer, the last time we came here,” I whisper, turning to face him. The memories crash around me, a whirlwind of failure and regret, but I force myself to meet his eyes, to show him everything I really am. “I wasn’t a kid anymore.” My voice breaks. “I don’t have any excuse. I ignored all the signs she was sick, I turned my back on Juliet after the funeral, went running off to Europe with my friends instead of stepping up and being there the way she needed. I abandoned them both, and for what?” I sob, hating myself for every failure, every bad thing I did.
“I should have been a better sister. I should have been a better daughter, but I screwed it all up, and now I deserve everything I get!”
I start to turn away from Garrett. I’d rather leave him forever than see the look on his face now that he knows the truth. These are my darkest secrets, the things I’ve barely admitted to myself all these years: how much I let my family down.
How black and ugly my heart really is inside.
I’m a terrible person, beyond salvation, and now, I’m finally paying the price.
“Carina,” Garrett’s voice comes, soft, and then I feel the touch of his hand, gently taking hold of my jaw and turning my face back towards him. I resist, I can’t bear to look at him, so I dig my nails into my palms, bracing myself for the judgment I know must be waiting for me.
Garrett cradles my face in his hands, but I keep my gaze fixed on the ocean, anything to keep from seeing the disappointment in his eyes.
“You don’t have to run anymore, Carina,” he tells me, his voice gentle.
Shock floods through me. I don’t understand. This is where he’s supposed to turn away from me, to leave me here for good.
“Listen to me,” Garrett grounds out, his voice thick with emotion. I find the courage to finally lift my gaze to his, and what I see there takes my breath away: his blue eyes shining into me, full of heated passion. Understanding.
A bright hope in the midst of my storming emotions.
“Whatever you’ve told yourself, whatever stories you’ve made yourself believe, they’re not true.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. “It’s not true. You’re not a bad person, Carina, no matter what you’ve told yourself. You made mistakes, we all have.” Garrett’s eyes flash, dark in the night. “But no matter what you’ve done, you can’t give up on yourself.”
I shake my head, trying to pull away. “You don’t understand,” I whisper again, but Garrett holds fast.
“I do, believe me, Carina,” he insists. “I know what it’s like to blame yourself for things you can’t control, to try and look for a reason when there’s nothing there to find. I’m telling you, it’s not too late. You can make up for what you’ve done, Juliet will forgive you, but first, you’ve got to forgive yourself. This isn’t your fault, none of it is, and the longer you believe that, the less you’ll think you deserve from the world.”
I shake my head. “I was selfish—”
“And now you’ll make it right.” Garrett softens, reaching to gently wipe my tears away. “But you have to let the past go. You think you’re bad, that you deserve punishment. It’s why you’ve let people treat you so badly. Your father, Alexander…But you’re worth so much more, can’t you see that? You’re a good person, you care about the hurt you’ve caused, and now you need to let it go. You deserve to be happy.”
“I don’t,” I whisper, wishing I could believe him, to see myself through his eyes.
“Yes, you do.”
Garrett looks at me with such compassion, the shadows falling across his face. There’s not a hint of deceit or anger there. He means it, every word.
He thinks I’m worthy, that I’m not to blame.
He sees good in me, even when I can’t see it myself.
It’s a revelation.
I stare up at him, feeling something inside me shift. The ice that’s been frozen around my heart for years shatters, falling into bitter shards around us in the night.
He doesn’t hate me.
He knows everything I’ve done, all the terrible betrayals I’ve made, and still he doesn’t hate me.
“Garrett…” I whisper, still not believing it, waiting for the catch. He can’t understand, he must have gotten it wrong.
“It’s OK,” he says again, with a tender smile. “I promise you, it’s going to be OK. You just have to believe it. You’re worth so much more.”
My heart swells just to see him, the certainty in his eyes, the sweetness in his smile. I don’t know if anyone’s ever looked at me this way before: seen me raw, bruised and broken, and still not turned away.
How could I have been so selfish?
“It’s my fault,” I whisper. “I spent all that time blaming them instead of him. I turned away when he criticized Mom, I told myself she was bringing it on herself. And now…now it’s too late to make it up to her.”
“You were just a kid,” Garrett argues.
“No!” I cry, pulling away from him, trying to wipe the tears from my face. “It didn’t stop there. For years, I let them down, over and over. I went off to college and tried to pretend like it didn’t matter. And then…”
My words die in my throat, but I can’t stop now. I have to face it all.
“That summer, the last time we came here,” I whisper, turning to face him. The memories crash around me, a whirlwind of failure and regret, but I force myself to meet his eyes, to show him everything I really am. “I wasn’t a kid anymore.” My voice breaks. “I don’t have any excuse. I ignored all the signs she was sick, I turned my back on Juliet after the funeral, went running off to Europe with my friends instead of stepping up and being there the way she needed. I abandoned them both, and for what?” I sob, hating myself for every failure, every bad thing I did.
“I should have been a better sister. I should have been a better daughter, but I screwed it all up, and now I deserve everything I get!”
I start to turn away from Garrett. I’d rather leave him forever than see the look on his face now that he knows the truth. These are my darkest secrets, the things I’ve barely admitted to myself all these years: how much I let my family down.
How black and ugly my heart really is inside.
I’m a terrible person, beyond salvation, and now, I’m finally paying the price.
“Carina,” Garrett’s voice comes, soft, and then I feel the touch of his hand, gently taking hold of my jaw and turning my face back towards him. I resist, I can’t bear to look at him, so I dig my nails into my palms, bracing myself for the judgment I know must be waiting for me.
Garrett cradles my face in his hands, but I keep my gaze fixed on the ocean, anything to keep from seeing the disappointment in his eyes.
“You don’t have to run anymore, Carina,” he tells me, his voice gentle.
Shock floods through me. I don’t understand. This is where he’s supposed to turn away from me, to leave me here for good.
“Listen to me,” Garrett grounds out, his voice thick with emotion. I find the courage to finally lift my gaze to his, and what I see there takes my breath away: his blue eyes shining into me, full of heated passion. Understanding.
A bright hope in the midst of my storming emotions.
“Whatever you’ve told yourself, whatever stories you’ve made yourself believe, they’re not true.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off. “It’s not true. You’re not a bad person, Carina, no matter what you’ve told yourself. You made mistakes, we all have.” Garrett’s eyes flash, dark in the night. “But no matter what you’ve done, you can’t give up on yourself.”
I shake my head, trying to pull away. “You don’t understand,” I whisper again, but Garrett holds fast.
“I do, believe me, Carina,” he insists. “I know what it’s like to blame yourself for things you can’t control, to try and look for a reason when there’s nothing there to find. I’m telling you, it’s not too late. You can make up for what you’ve done, Juliet will forgive you, but first, you’ve got to forgive yourself. This isn’t your fault, none of it is, and the longer you believe that, the less you’ll think you deserve from the world.”
I shake my head. “I was selfish—”
“And now you’ll make it right.” Garrett softens, reaching to gently wipe my tears away. “But you have to let the past go. You think you’re bad, that you deserve punishment. It’s why you’ve let people treat you so badly. Your father, Alexander…But you’re worth so much more, can’t you see that? You’re a good person, you care about the hurt you’ve caused, and now you need to let it go. You deserve to be happy.”
“I don’t,” I whisper, wishing I could believe him, to see myself through his eyes.
“Yes, you do.”
Garrett looks at me with such compassion, the shadows falling across his face. There’s not a hint of deceit or anger there. He means it, every word.
He thinks I’m worthy, that I’m not to blame.
He sees good in me, even when I can’t see it myself.
It’s a revelation.
I stare up at him, feeling something inside me shift. The ice that’s been frozen around my heart for years shatters, falling into bitter shards around us in the night.
He doesn’t hate me.
He knows everything I’ve done, all the terrible betrayals I’ve made, and still he doesn’t hate me.
“Garrett…” I whisper, still not believing it, waiting for the catch. He can’t understand, he must have gotten it wrong.
“It’s OK,” he says again, with a tender smile. “I promise you, it’s going to be OK. You just have to believe it. You’re worth so much more.”
My heart swells just to see him, the certainty in his eyes, the sweetness in his smile. I don’t know if anyone’s ever looked at me this way before: seen me raw, bruised and broken, and still not turned away.
