Unconditional
Page 42
Juliet shrugs again. “It’s fine,” she says as she presses her lips together in a thin line. “I just wanted to come stop by her grave. Emerson would be here too, but he’s got the construction guys in at the restaurant, and he couldn’t get away.”
“Oh,” I swallow, “right.”
The silence stretches, and all the while, guilt seeps through my body, invading every pore with a chill of self-loathing. I should have known about Mom’s birthday; I should remember it like clockwork every year. But it didn’t even occur to me. I was too caught up in my own messy life to even think about it, let alone wonder how Juliet was feeling with yet another reminder her Mom isn’t around to share these milestones in her life.
She wasn’t there when Juliet graduated. She wasn’t there at her wedding. And she won’t be there, for her kids, and birthdays, and every anniversary from here on out.
I gulp, searching for a sign of emotion on my little sister’s face, but Juliet is unreadable. She sips her coffee, not saying a word. I don’t know what to say to her either; nothing seems to be the right thing. It’s like we’re strangers, double-booked at the same table to make polite conversation, worlds apart.
I don’t know anything about her life or how she feels. I don’t know my sister at all, and it’s my fault. All mine.
The door swings open again. Garrett steps back inside. He looks between us. “Well, the place hasn’t burned down yet,” he jokes. “That’s a good thing, right?”
“Right.” Juliet gives him a warm smile—the kind of look she’d never send in my direction. “How’s it all going?”
“So-so.” Garrett collapses in a seat. “You eating that?” he asks, pointing to my plate. I shake my head. He pulls it towards him in one motion, grabbing a fork and starting to eat without pausing for breath. “Off season is tough, Emerson will tell you that, but we’re trying to drum up some business. Carina had a great idea for a music night, did she tell you? We found a guy to play, he’s amazing. I called him to offer him the gig,” Garrett adds, looking over at me. “The one who left his CD last night.”
I catch his gaze, the flash of a teasing smile. For a split second, my stress and family drama melts away, and I’m back, sprawled on the couch, listening to the low, velvet croon of the music take me over as Garrett sends me soaring to heaven and back.
My cheeks flush with heat. “He was good,” I mumble, looking away. “Can he make it on Friday?”
“Yup,” Garrett nods, mouth full. “I’ve got to play this for you,” he adds to Juliet. “I swear I’ve heard his voice somewhere before. It’s driving me crazy.”
“I’d love to.” Juliet smiles. “Sounds like a fun plan.”
“It’s all Carina,” Garrett says again. “She’s the mastermind behind it all, she’s been great.”
“Oh.” Juliet’s enthusiasm seems to fade. “Well…Good for you.”
Silence.
Juliet scrapes back her chair. “You know, I better get going. I’m meeting Brit later, we’re going to hang out. You should come by,” she adds, turning to Garrett.
I know there’s no reason for her to invite me too, we’ve barely hung out in years, but the rejection stings me all the same.
Garrett shoots me a look. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Give me a call,” Juliet tells him. “You’ve got my new number, right?”
He nods.
New number? I look at her, bewildered, as she gives Garrett a warm hug goodbye.
“Take care.” Juliet gives me an awkward little wave from the doorway, then she leaves.
I stare after her, feeling the distance between us in a terrible ache. It’s crazy, I know, this is all my own doing right here. I was the one who pushed her away, kept her at arm’s length all through our childhood, and took off away from her without a second thought. But now it hurts me more than anything to see just how little I matter in her life, how I’m a stranger to her, and she is to me.
“Are you OK?” Garrett’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
I turn. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” I murmur finally, giving a helpless shrug.
“You could go too,” he suggests quietly.
“What? To visit my mom?” The thought makes my stomach tangle up in knots, to pry open that cage of emotions I’ve locked so tight inside. “I can’t. She doesn’t want me there anyway, I’d only be in her way.”
Garrett reaches across the table and takes my hand. “That’s not how it looked to me,” he says quietly.
I meet his eyes. “I can’t,” I whisper again, feeling ashamed.
“You said you need to fix what’s broken between you,” he urges.
“But where do I even start?” I counter, feeling the terrible weight of all my years of abandoning.
“At the beginning.” He gives me a crooked smile. “Today. The first day of the rest of your life.”
“What, you’re giving me greeting card wisdom now?” I counter, my insides still tied up tight and tense with anxiety.
Garrett grins. “Don’t knock Hallmark,” he mock-scolds me. “Every journey begins with a single step. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.”
I feel a laugh slip from my lips.
“There you go.” Garrett squeezes my hand. I curl my fingers around his, comforted even in the midst of all my painful emotions. “It might not be as hard as you think. She wanted you to go with her, I could tell.”
“Oh,” I swallow, “right.”
The silence stretches, and all the while, guilt seeps through my body, invading every pore with a chill of self-loathing. I should have known about Mom’s birthday; I should remember it like clockwork every year. But it didn’t even occur to me. I was too caught up in my own messy life to even think about it, let alone wonder how Juliet was feeling with yet another reminder her Mom isn’t around to share these milestones in her life.
She wasn’t there when Juliet graduated. She wasn’t there at her wedding. And she won’t be there, for her kids, and birthdays, and every anniversary from here on out.
I gulp, searching for a sign of emotion on my little sister’s face, but Juliet is unreadable. She sips her coffee, not saying a word. I don’t know what to say to her either; nothing seems to be the right thing. It’s like we’re strangers, double-booked at the same table to make polite conversation, worlds apart.
I don’t know anything about her life or how she feels. I don’t know my sister at all, and it’s my fault. All mine.
The door swings open again. Garrett steps back inside. He looks between us. “Well, the place hasn’t burned down yet,” he jokes. “That’s a good thing, right?”
“Right.” Juliet gives him a warm smile—the kind of look she’d never send in my direction. “How’s it all going?”
“So-so.” Garrett collapses in a seat. “You eating that?” he asks, pointing to my plate. I shake my head. He pulls it towards him in one motion, grabbing a fork and starting to eat without pausing for breath. “Off season is tough, Emerson will tell you that, but we’re trying to drum up some business. Carina had a great idea for a music night, did she tell you? We found a guy to play, he’s amazing. I called him to offer him the gig,” Garrett adds, looking over at me. “The one who left his CD last night.”
I catch his gaze, the flash of a teasing smile. For a split second, my stress and family drama melts away, and I’m back, sprawled on the couch, listening to the low, velvet croon of the music take me over as Garrett sends me soaring to heaven and back.
My cheeks flush with heat. “He was good,” I mumble, looking away. “Can he make it on Friday?”
“Yup,” Garrett nods, mouth full. “I’ve got to play this for you,” he adds to Juliet. “I swear I’ve heard his voice somewhere before. It’s driving me crazy.”
“I’d love to.” Juliet smiles. “Sounds like a fun plan.”
“It’s all Carina,” Garrett says again. “She’s the mastermind behind it all, she’s been great.”
“Oh.” Juliet’s enthusiasm seems to fade. “Well…Good for you.”
Silence.
Juliet scrapes back her chair. “You know, I better get going. I’m meeting Brit later, we’re going to hang out. You should come by,” she adds, turning to Garrett.
I know there’s no reason for her to invite me too, we’ve barely hung out in years, but the rejection stings me all the same.
Garrett shoots me a look. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Give me a call,” Juliet tells him. “You’ve got my new number, right?”
He nods.
New number? I look at her, bewildered, as she gives Garrett a warm hug goodbye.
“Take care.” Juliet gives me an awkward little wave from the doorway, then she leaves.
I stare after her, feeling the distance between us in a terrible ache. It’s crazy, I know, this is all my own doing right here. I was the one who pushed her away, kept her at arm’s length all through our childhood, and took off away from her without a second thought. But now it hurts me more than anything to see just how little I matter in her life, how I’m a stranger to her, and she is to me.
“Are you OK?” Garrett’s voice cuts through my thoughts.
I turn. “Yes. No. I don’t know,” I murmur finally, giving a helpless shrug.
“You could go too,” he suggests quietly.
“What? To visit my mom?” The thought makes my stomach tangle up in knots, to pry open that cage of emotions I’ve locked so tight inside. “I can’t. She doesn’t want me there anyway, I’d only be in her way.”
Garrett reaches across the table and takes my hand. “That’s not how it looked to me,” he says quietly.
I meet his eyes. “I can’t,” I whisper again, feeling ashamed.
“You said you need to fix what’s broken between you,” he urges.
“But where do I even start?” I counter, feeling the terrible weight of all my years of abandoning.
“At the beginning.” He gives me a crooked smile. “Today. The first day of the rest of your life.”
“What, you’re giving me greeting card wisdom now?” I counter, my insides still tied up tight and tense with anxiety.
Garrett grins. “Don’t knock Hallmark,” he mock-scolds me. “Every journey begins with a single step. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.”
I feel a laugh slip from my lips.
“There you go.” Garrett squeezes my hand. I curl my fingers around his, comforted even in the midst of all my painful emotions. “It might not be as hard as you think. She wanted you to go with her, I could tell.”
