Undead and Unemployed

Chapter 25

"That does sound bad," Monique admitted when I finally wound down. She downshifted to make the yellow light, which showed off what pretty legs she had. Black miniskirt, black heels, white blouse with lace cuffs. Tarty, but trendy. "But at least the king is firmly in your corner."
"Ha! Firmly in my pants is more like it."
"Ah-hum. So... how is he?"
"Annoying."
"I mean... are his sheet skills adequate?"
"I have to admit," I admitted, "I've never heard it put quite like that. And yeah. They're more than adequate. I mean, he's really fine. Whoo! I could sweat just thinking about it. If I still sweat."
"Do tell!"
To a near stranger? Even a nice one? No thanks. "But it doesn't mean anything to him. He just likes sex. You should have seen what he was doing the first time I went to his house!"
"He seems," Monique said carefully, "to be an acceptable consort."
"Sure, if you don't mind being bossed around. And condescended to. And hugged when you're upset. And made love to until your toes curl. And-uh-look, let's talk about something else."
"As you wish." She wrenched the wheel as we turned onto Seventh Avenue-practically on two wheels, yikes!-and pulled up outside a small brownstone with a screech. I thought it was an apartment house, but the doors were propped open and there was a line of extremely hip-looking people stretching down the sidewalk. The red neon sign over the doors read scratch.
"Oh, dancing?" I asked, brightening. "I love to dance."
"This is my club. I've been longing to show it to you."
"Oh, yeah?" Well, that explained the nice clothes. And the Porsche. "I didn't think you were from around here."
"I have properties all over the country. It's amazing what you can do when you've got seventy years to get it done."
"Good point," I said, as a valet held the door open. He was wearing black cargo pants, tennis shoes with no socks, and a white't-shirt with green lettering: go fang yourself. Very cute. He smirked at me as he slammed the door shut and another valet drove Monique's car away. "So, this is like a vampire club?"
"Mostly. Come along, Majesty, let's get you a drink."
"Sounds good to me." We brushed past the waiting crowd and I followed her like a sheep to slaughter. Hmm. I was following her, and I certainly didn't mind, but why did that corny saying creep me out all of a sudden?
And why, now that Monique and I had entered the club, had everyone stopped dancing? And why were they all staring at us?
"You know," Monique said, turning to me, "you really don't deserve him."
"Who?" I asked dumbly. Sheep to slaughter? Where had I heard that before? Mr. Mason, of course. He said he was Kept. A sheep. And where had I heard that icky term before Mason? From Monique, the night Tina and she were attacked. She said it was much easier when you kept sheep, instead of hunting all the time. And Tina and Sinclair had blown it off, hadn't wanted to explain. Too late now. Too bad for me. "Who don't I deserve?" Except I had a horrid feeling I knew exactly who she was talking about.
"The king, of course."
"Yeah, of course. Uh... you didn't put Mr. Mason up to firing me or anything, did you?"
She just looked at me.
"Yeah. 'Course you did. He lied about Renee not coming in, so he could fire me and get me out of the building. And then... uh... he tipped you off, I guess, so you knew where I'd be, and now we're here. In your place."
"I knew you were foolish," she sighed as several hands grabbed me from behind, "but I didn't think you were a moron."
"What's the difference?" I yelled as I was dragged to the middle of the dance floor. Unfortunately, I didn't think it was because they wanted to do the Lambada with me. "And who's a moron? I figured it out, didn't I? Hey! Cut it out! Hands to yourselves, creeps. Monique, what the hell...?"
Monique disappeared behind the bar, and reappeared with a wicked-looking stake as long as my forearm.
"And here I thought you were mixing me a daiquiri."
"This is your cue," she said, as if explaining to a slightly retarded student, which I resented the hell out of, "to say something obvious, like, 'you're the killer.'"
"Well, you are! I can't believe it! The one new vampire I meet who's actually nice, and you're going around killing vampires!" There were still about ten hands on me and they held me firmly. Where was Sinclair when I actually wanted him around?
"Yes," she said, sounding bored. Gosh, it was too bad I wasn't able to capture her full attention. I was getting so mad, I felt like biting myself. "I had this insane idea that you might be difficult to bring down. So I wanted the Warriors to get some practice. Then... then," she added, and her lip curled, and she looked truly furious for the first time, "that idiot, that infant, that moron, Jon, fell under your spell. And he wouldn't kill you for me anymore. And he persuaded the others to stop, too."
I shrugged modestly. It wasn't my fault I had unholy sex appeal. "Too bad, you cow. And will you guys get off?" I yanked and pulled, to no avail. Were they rubber vampires, or what? "And you set yourself up to be attacked, to throw suspicion away from yourself."
She yawned. "Mmm-hmm."
And it worked, too, dammit. I'd never considered Monique for a second. I was too busy keeping a wary eye on Sarah, who was worth about twenty of this treacherous bitch. To think I staked her and decided to go party with Monique. God, I was really too stupid to live sometimes. However, it didn't look like that was going to be a problem much longer.
"Well, now you're gonna get it. I guess. Yeah! Big trouble, Monique." As soon as I freed myself from the grip of the RubberMaid Undead. "Any second now, and I'll... uh..."
"So, I'll kill you," she finished, perking up, "and Sinclair will be in need of a new consort, and of course Tina won't do. They're more like siblings, have you noticed? And Sarah's dead, and there aren't many of us who are suitable, you know."
"So that leaves you, huh?"
"That leaves me."
"But aren't there thousands of us?"
"I can assure you, Eric Sinclair will find me the most viable choice."
"And the fact that he has a consort right now," I said dryly, "isn't an impediment, or anything."
"Impediment! I'm amazed you didn't need a flashcard to use the word."
"Hey, hey! Assaulting me is one thing, but watch the nasty comments."
She stalked toward me, stake in hand. I became morbidly aware that we had an audience. Besides the vampires hanging onto me with grim determination, there were about twenty more on the dance floor who were staring at us. No help, I figured. They belonged to Monique. Or they didn't think I was a real queen. Either way, it amounted to the same thing. Well, at least she was still talking, even if she was waving that stake around like a band leader's baton. Classic James Bond villain mistake. I hoped.
"Waste of resources."
"What? I wasn't listening."
She gritted her teeth. "I said, I am appalled at the waste of vampires and resources. I should have taken you myself, the moment I came to town. I had no idea you'd be so easy."
"Hey! What'd I say about the nasty stuff?"
"To think I was paying the Blade Warriors to practice, to hone their skills, to work their way up to you. What nonsense! You didn't really kill Nostro, did you?"
"What?" The abrupt subject change took me by surprise. "Is that why you thought I'd be such a toughie?"
She gave me a withering "of course" look.
"As a matter of fact, I did kill him, so there." Alas, like little George Washington, I could not tell a lie. "Well, sort of. I set the Fiends on him, and they ate him." The Fiends! What I wouldn't give to see their snarling faces right now. "But listen, Monique. You don't have to stake me to get Sinclair. You can have him."
"I disagree."
"No, really!" I couldn't believe this. First he tricked me into boinking him. Then I found out I was his undead little woman for a thousand years. Then he tricked me into boinking him again. Well, sort of. Now this nutty bitch was going to kill me to have him for herself! Oooh, if I lived through this, he was getting a piece of my mind.
A pox on you, Eric Sinclair!
"Seriously. I don't want him, I never wanted him." Okay, that last one was a small lie. I mean, I wanted wanted him, you know, like you want a juicy steak, but I didn't want to be married to him, not without him at least asking. Which he never did. Not once. Was that so much to ask? A marriage proposal? I didn't think so. Not that anybody asked my opinion. Oh, God forbid, anybody should ask my opinion!
"... is devoted to you."
"What?"
"Will you pay attention? In case you haven't noticed, you're in dire straits."
"Yeah, yeah. I've been there before. Look, we can work this out. Sure, you're a crazy cow bent on my destruction, but can't we get along? I mean, if my parents could work things out, anybody can. You can have Sinclair on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and I-"
She lunged forward with a scream of frustration-I'll admit I have that effect on people-and buried the stake in my chest. It hurt like a son of a bitch. And then I died. Again.