Undead and Unstable

Chapter 36

THIRTY-SIX
That was how I ended up getting arrested. You know how things seem weird and disconnected at the time the madness is happening, but later, when you can sort of step back and take a good look, you see how they were really linked?
Yeah, none of that happened. Sinclair and I (and Tina, and then Nick) went after Antonia and Garrett, and I got arrested, and the whole thing was stupid and a huge pain in my ass, and it didn't help that Sinclair found the whole thing sort of hilarious. The rate we were going, the thought of turning him into the Book of the Dead wasn't so repugnant all the time, how's that for weird and sad?
* * *
"And just what the hell is that?"
"A Kimber Custom semi-auto, Majesty," Tina replied, always soooo polite. She did something to the pistol, which was all shiny and steel-ey, and it made an ominously cool ratcheting sound. I was a shotgun girl (goose and duck hunting with my mom when I was a teenager) and a rifle girl (just because it was always so fun to try for a target two hundred yards away, and even more fun to hit a target two hundred yards away). Beyond that, I knew poop-all about guns.
It shouldn't, but it always did: I always found it freaky to see tiny delicate looks-like-a-sorority-escapee Tina matter-of-factly reload ammo (Sinclair had set her up with a whole reloading bench in a corner of our vast disgusting basement, and that thing clanged and banged half the night sometimes), tote rifles and shotguns around in gun cases, produce pistols like magicians made doves appear, and clean said pistols in the kitchen. I guess I sometimes expected her to spend time sitting on our porch in hoopskirts and a bonnet, sipping mint juleps.
I'd mentioned that to her once, and her reply had been succinct and respectful: "Mint triggers my gag reflex, my queen." Not a sentence I heard much, even around here.
"Ooooh, pretty!" I mock-gasped as she popped the clip and examined it.
"Yes, well." A small, demure smile was on her face. "You do like shiny things."
"But why do you have that one?"
"Because I always try to buy American." I had no idea if she was kidding or not.
"You think we'll need a gun? We're just going after Antonia to make sure she doesn't eat anybody. And Garrett because he'll scare the neighbors with his nudeness more than a big black slavering wolf will." (Minnesotans had a strong streak of the prude, especially in November.)
"Oh, this is just the gun I had on me, Dread Queen," she assured me.
Oh. How silly of me. Of course. That was just the gun she had on her.
"Shall we split up?" Sinclair asked, his rumble of a voice more than a little comforting against the dark Antonia and Garrett had fled to.
"Sure. We've done almost every other stupid horror movie cliche over the last few years. Why not? Is there a lake where sexy teens were killed, say, ten years ago tonight? Because that'd be the perfect place to split up."
"I love you," the king told me, "but I do not always understand you."
"I know."
"There's no need to split up. Antonia went that way, and of course, Garrett is right behind her. If we get moving, we'll-"
Which was when the cop car pulled into our drive, flashing cherries.
"Oh, shit!" Then I cheered up. "It's just Nick."
"What the hell?" he asked, practically leaping out of the vehicle. He looked more wild-eyed than he had in the kitchen during our showdown, which was alarming. "Jess said something broke the big window on first? And is running around the neighborhood?"
"Yeah, but it's-"
"She texted me 9-1-1! And she only does that when Byerly's is out of chocolate-covered bananas! And they aren't because I was there this afternoon and bought her a bunch more! So she's really freaked, you guys!"
"It's just Antonia," I soothed. Frazzled freaked Nick was making me nervous. "Um, in her incredibly dangerous huge wolf form during the-"
Nick/Dick groaned. "I knew it was the goddamned full moon and I forgot!" He was so distraught and stressed, he didn't notice Tina's and Sinclair's mutual flinch. Instead he slammed his hand down on the hood of his car, and this time I was the flincher. I was used to him being pissy in the old timeline, but not hysterical. Was I destined to screw up his life no matter what timeline we were in? Depressing thought. "All those witnesses we had to interview again, and then Jess hasn't been sleeping well so I haven't been sleeping well, and then the thing with the bananas, and with the you from the future, and the devil-"
"We get it. You're swamped."
"We are having a baby!" he reminded us, like any of us could forget The Gut That Walked Like Jessica.
"When? Because there's been some confusion." He just stared, like he had no idea what I could mean. Fine, I'd deal with that issue later. "Look, it's being handled, okay?"
"Handled as in you're talking to me in our driveway while a werewolf who makes Howard Stern seem soft-spoken roams our neighborhood while being chased by her naked vampire lover who was tortured so thoroughly he has no idea how many innocent people he killed before clawing you up and turning you into a vampire queen?"
I stared at said driveway. "Anything sounds bad when you say it like that," I mumbled.
He rubbed his close-cut hair so vigorously it looked like he was trying to knock himself out. Which maybe he was-he did admit to being sleep-deprived. "Are you in charge or not?"
"I am," I said firmly. I was. Right?
"So you're responsible."
Have a care, my love.
I've got this, worrywart.
"I am."
"Fine. Elizabeth Taylor, you are under arrest."
"I'm sorry?" Heh. Crazy night, because it almost sounded like-
"You're under arrest," one of my roommates said, while two more of my roommates stared at each other in total bafflement.
"For what?"
"For sucking at your job," he snapped.
"Well, I'm doing the best I can!"
"Yes! That's the problem."
"Yeah? Tough, you fascist asshat! It's me or it's nobody, so it's me."
Sinclair raised his eyebrows, and I could read the bum like a Lucifer graphic novel. Normally his alpha maleness would dictate he put himself in direct opposition to whatever Nick demanded. On the other hand, he was also a big fan of keeping me out of harm's way. The local pokey was wall to wall with lawbreakers (sorry ... alleged lawbreakers). Our home, on the other hand, where we were supposed to relax and feel safe and occasionally have sex, was crawling with werewolves and zombies and the devil and decrepit versions of me and grumpy fat Jessica. If he let Nicky-Dicky haul me away, he could appease a valuable asset (he'd always been a big fan of getting close to a cop) and track down Antonia without worrying about me-which was how he'd wanted to handle it in the first place. So he was stymied.
"You have the right to remain silent." In a jingly flash, his cuffs were off his hip. I was so astonished I stood still and let him cuff me. And I was having big-time deja vu: this was prom night all over again, except with much less booze. "If you give up that right-"
"You're arresting me?"
"Uh..." Tina began. I could read her like a comic, too ... she was appalled, but couldn't see a way out. Her king wasn't moving an inch. But her queen was about to get hauled to the local hoosegow. She couldn't back us both, so she picked the route that led (probably) to my immediate safety. "Uh, my queen, perhaps until we, ah, secure your-the mansion. I think it's better if the detective is occupied with you, rather than trying to be occupied with, ah, Antonia or Garrett."
"Stop talking," I told her, and she did, looking faintly grateful.
"What's the charge? Sucking at being the queen of the undead?"
"Sure, that's a good one. You have the right to remain silent."
"Fat fucking chance!"
"If you give up that right-"
"I'm going to stab you in the face."
"-anything you say can and probably will be used against you in a court of law."
"A lot."
"If you can't afford an attorney-"
"You know I can, butt-munch."
"-one will be provided for you."
"Do you know what I'm going to provide for you, Nick?"
"Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?"
"I've mentioned the facial wounds I'm planning to inflict, right?"
I could still hardly believe Sinclair was going along with this bullshit. Not being able to have sex with me was just ruining the man.
"You had to still be a cop in this altered timeline, didn't you?" I said bitterly. "You couldn't have been an accountant? Or a clown? I should tear your head off your shoulders."
"Never happen," Nick said, managing a smile. A sickly, stressed smile, but it was a smile. "You wouldn't hurt me if someone stuck a gun in your ear, Bets."
What could I say? That one statement was why I found out what the backseat of a detective's car looked like from the inside. I was pissed, but I kind of loved that he was betting his life that I wouldn't hurt him.
Which simply wasn't true. I'd hurt him-I had hurt him plenty. But he didn't remember it, because it had never happened to him in this timeline.
Did it not happening mean it didn't happen? I remembered everything, good and bad. I'd hurt Nick ... except I hadn't. Argh. I hated timeline-based Zen-isms.
Brain tangle or not, stressed and sleep-deprived or not, Nick had said the one thing guaranteed to make me come along meekly to jail.
So off to jail I went, arrested by one of my roommates. A fine argument for kicking everyone out of the mansion except Sinclair. Maybe.