Unraveling You
Page 38
“He’s always late,” Sage intervenes, munching on the brownie. “He’ll show up in like ten minutes or so.”
“I was kind of hoping coming here would cure me of my stage fright.” Lyric stares at me with hope in her eyes. “I don’t know why, but I thought it would help somehow, like maybe being around you and seeing how much fun you guys have when you play would force me to conquer my fear.”
I rub my jawline, trying to conjure up an idea. I remember when I was afraid of the dark, how I used to cover my ears and shut my eyes to block out my surroundings. It didn’t cure me, but it got me through the night. Now I use music and that silly nightlight Lyric gave me forever ago.
“I have an idea,” I say, my voice unsteady from a memory long forgotten of me as a small boy begging to be let free. “But it might be a little weird.”
She smiles excitedly. “Lay it on me. Whatever it is, I trust you, Ayden.”
Her words crash into my heart, more than in a just-friends way. I wonder just how much of a lie I told her when I said that it was just a friend kiss. It doesn’t matter, though. Lyric is the sunshine in my world. She keeps me going when things get really dark. I’m not even ready for a relationship. I can barely handle myself right now, even something as simple as kissing her sent me into panic attack after panic attack.
I suddenly realize something makes my scars throb, that I’m not ready to handle the emotions clipping their way to the surface. That even though I have a new life, the cuffs and chains are still there, trying to pull me down into the darkness of memories, begging to haunt me. Of myself. My brother. My sister.
What was done to me? Stuff I can’t even remember, but can somehow still feel the fear connected to the experiences.
And I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully be able to escape them.
Chapter 12
Lyric
In the silence of my soul, there is a breathless ache
desperately seeking air.
Like I’m dead, yet alive.
Breathing yet suffocating.
Then I felt your lips.
The softest touch
kissed my mouth,
and my soul sang to life.
For the very first time
you showed me a taste of life.
That’s what I wrote after Ayden kissed me. That’s what constantly floods my thoughts day and night, over and over again. I want another taste of it—of what his kiss brought me. But he’s been acting so strange since it happened. Twitchy. Smiling less. And I have no idea how to act around him other than be super happy twenty-four seven, even after what I discovered about him tonight while searching around on the internet—an article about his past.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask Ayden as I stand in the middle of the room with my eyes closed. I have earplugs in my ears, a microphone in my hand, and my heart’s thudding like a jackhammer.
“Not really!” he shouts out. “But it doesn’t hurt to try it out!”
“True.” I dither, trying to decide if I want to do this.
Suddenly his fingers circle my wrists, and I feel his face dip toward my ear. “Relax. It’s just me and Sage in the room. Two people. That’s all.” His breath is hot on my cheek, making the air sweltering.
I nod as my fingers grasp the microphone. “Okay.”
“Okay, you’re ready to do this?”
I nod then fist bump the air. I hear him chuckle, but the sound gets lost as he moves away from me.
A heartbeat or two later, the music is cranked up. Lyrics by Flyleaf surround me and it’s perfect. I know for a fact that Ayden picked out this song, because he knows how much I love the band. The thought relaxes me for about two seconds until it’s time for me to sing then my voice locks up in my throat.
Shit. I’m so going to throw up.
My eyelids start to lift up as panic sets in, but warm fingers touch my wrists again.
“Relax!” Ayden shouts over the music. “I’ve got your back, dude.”
I snort a laugh then relax.
Calm. That’s all I feel.
I don’t know why, but I open my eyes.
My gaze meets Ayden’s grey eyes.
I think about the lyrics I wrote the other day.
My inspiration.
The stuff I dreamed about for years.
Friends or not, I’m using our kiss to my benefit.
I put the microphone up to my mouth.
Then I start to sing.
I sing like my life depends on it. Sing like I’ve always dreamed of doing. Sing as though my heart is going to burst if I don’t scream out every emotion through the lyrics.
I’ll admit, for the first thirty seconds or so, my voice is wobbly and off pitch. I start to grow concerned that maybe my life dream of singing is going to be a behind-closed-doors sort of thing. I pop the earplugs out, so I can hear myself. It helps. My voice gains stability. I unstiffen. Loosen up.
I begin dancing around the room, and Ayden laughs at me, his smile so bright his eyes crinkle around the corners. There’s something in his expression, something I’ve never seen before, and it causes the room to spin. So I spin with it, jumping up and down, belting out the lyrics until I finally let go and get really crazy.
I shove Ayden back on the sofa and straddle his lap, singing and putting on a show for him. His eyes widen at my overly friendly touch, and his arms tense out to the side. I’m excited, rubbing my hands up and down his chest, thinking about that kiss, how amazing it was, how it exceeded the bar I set and then some. If only I could have him, but after what I found out ... I’m not sure I ever can.
“I was kind of hoping coming here would cure me of my stage fright.” Lyric stares at me with hope in her eyes. “I don’t know why, but I thought it would help somehow, like maybe being around you and seeing how much fun you guys have when you play would force me to conquer my fear.”
I rub my jawline, trying to conjure up an idea. I remember when I was afraid of the dark, how I used to cover my ears and shut my eyes to block out my surroundings. It didn’t cure me, but it got me through the night. Now I use music and that silly nightlight Lyric gave me forever ago.
“I have an idea,” I say, my voice unsteady from a memory long forgotten of me as a small boy begging to be let free. “But it might be a little weird.”
She smiles excitedly. “Lay it on me. Whatever it is, I trust you, Ayden.”
Her words crash into my heart, more than in a just-friends way. I wonder just how much of a lie I told her when I said that it was just a friend kiss. It doesn’t matter, though. Lyric is the sunshine in my world. She keeps me going when things get really dark. I’m not even ready for a relationship. I can barely handle myself right now, even something as simple as kissing her sent me into panic attack after panic attack.
I suddenly realize something makes my scars throb, that I’m not ready to handle the emotions clipping their way to the surface. That even though I have a new life, the cuffs and chains are still there, trying to pull me down into the darkness of memories, begging to haunt me. Of myself. My brother. My sister.
What was done to me? Stuff I can’t even remember, but can somehow still feel the fear connected to the experiences.
And I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully be able to escape them.
Chapter 12
Lyric
In the silence of my soul, there is a breathless ache
desperately seeking air.
Like I’m dead, yet alive.
Breathing yet suffocating.
Then I felt your lips.
The softest touch
kissed my mouth,
and my soul sang to life.
For the very first time
you showed me a taste of life.
That’s what I wrote after Ayden kissed me. That’s what constantly floods my thoughts day and night, over and over again. I want another taste of it—of what his kiss brought me. But he’s been acting so strange since it happened. Twitchy. Smiling less. And I have no idea how to act around him other than be super happy twenty-four seven, even after what I discovered about him tonight while searching around on the internet—an article about his past.
“Are you sure about this?” I ask Ayden as I stand in the middle of the room with my eyes closed. I have earplugs in my ears, a microphone in my hand, and my heart’s thudding like a jackhammer.
“Not really!” he shouts out. “But it doesn’t hurt to try it out!”
“True.” I dither, trying to decide if I want to do this.
Suddenly his fingers circle my wrists, and I feel his face dip toward my ear. “Relax. It’s just me and Sage in the room. Two people. That’s all.” His breath is hot on my cheek, making the air sweltering.
I nod as my fingers grasp the microphone. “Okay.”
“Okay, you’re ready to do this?”
I nod then fist bump the air. I hear him chuckle, but the sound gets lost as he moves away from me.
A heartbeat or two later, the music is cranked up. Lyrics by Flyleaf surround me and it’s perfect. I know for a fact that Ayden picked out this song, because he knows how much I love the band. The thought relaxes me for about two seconds until it’s time for me to sing then my voice locks up in my throat.
Shit. I’m so going to throw up.
My eyelids start to lift up as panic sets in, but warm fingers touch my wrists again.
“Relax!” Ayden shouts over the music. “I’ve got your back, dude.”
I snort a laugh then relax.
Calm. That’s all I feel.
I don’t know why, but I open my eyes.
My gaze meets Ayden’s grey eyes.
I think about the lyrics I wrote the other day.
My inspiration.
The stuff I dreamed about for years.
Friends or not, I’m using our kiss to my benefit.
I put the microphone up to my mouth.
Then I start to sing.
I sing like my life depends on it. Sing like I’ve always dreamed of doing. Sing as though my heart is going to burst if I don’t scream out every emotion through the lyrics.
I’ll admit, for the first thirty seconds or so, my voice is wobbly and off pitch. I start to grow concerned that maybe my life dream of singing is going to be a behind-closed-doors sort of thing. I pop the earplugs out, so I can hear myself. It helps. My voice gains stability. I unstiffen. Loosen up.
I begin dancing around the room, and Ayden laughs at me, his smile so bright his eyes crinkle around the corners. There’s something in his expression, something I’ve never seen before, and it causes the room to spin. So I spin with it, jumping up and down, belting out the lyrics until I finally let go and get really crazy.
I shove Ayden back on the sofa and straddle his lap, singing and putting on a show for him. His eyes widen at my overly friendly touch, and his arms tense out to the side. I’m excited, rubbing my hands up and down his chest, thinking about that kiss, how amazing it was, how it exceeded the bar I set and then some. If only I could have him, but after what I found out ... I’m not sure I ever can.
