Unscathed

Page 23

She came to sit next to me, this time, her turn to comfort me. She soothed me and shushed me like a mother comforting a child, and laid her head on my shoulder, rubbing my tattooed forearm, stroking her fingers along it gently.
I looked at her and said something I never thought would ever come out of my mouth: “How can we tell for sure if the ghost around me is my father? Is he here right now?”
She shook her blonde head. “No, he’s not. And I just know, Jax. The video doesn’t capture half of what I see. Because I am now hyperaware of what I’m seeing, I’m able to make out more detail than what you see there.” She pointed at the TV.
“Do they speak to you?” I asked, warming up to the idea, but still feeling like I too was losing my mind.
She shook her head. “Never. They don’t really even interact with me or acknowledge me. They just sort of shadow the person, and I’m able to see them.”
I took a deep breath, trying not to freak the hell out. “So what does this person following me around look like?” I asked, still unable to admit it might be my father.
Her eyebrows knit together and she looked down, as if she were trying to recall. Or perhaps she was stalling. After a very long, uncomfortable pause, she began. “Shorter than you, a goatee like yours but thicker in places. He’s wearing some sort of baseball cap on his head with a lighter color on the front of it with some sort of bird on it. It’s darker on the bill and the sides. A plain colored T-shirt and denims, and boots that look like they’d seen better days.” She looked up at me with expectant and sad eyes.
My head began to spin. My dad never took off that damn Atlanta Falcons ball cap. It was black with a white patch in the front and the Falcons’ bird in the center. He did have a goatee like mine, but his went around his mouth with a moustache, whereas mine was just on the chin. Jeans, T-shirt, and boots were all he ever wore.
I stood up. “I… I need to go.”
I started to walk away and Mina grabbed my arm. “No, Jax. You need to stay here. I can help you.”
Something in me snapped. “Help me! You’ve done quite enough! I need to go try to find my father’s body and give him a proper burial so I can move on with my life!” I raked a hand through my hair and paced the floor, unsure what to do, where to go, how to cope.
She stood up. “Then I will go with you.”
“No, Mina, this isn’t your problem. You don’t need to deal with this. I do. It’s time I dealt with this. I can’t have you in this with me. It’s too ugly, too hard…”
Her eyes were glistening with tears again. I hated it when she cried. I had to swallow hard to keep it together. I was about to lose it.
“I insist, Jax. I need to do this. I need to help you.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m… I just…”
She hugged me. “I know. It’s awful. When my father died, I died a little too.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Mina
Closing my eyes and holding Jax in my arms, I leant forward and kissed him gently on the mouth. I had seen the pain in Jax's eyes as he struggled with the idea that his father was dead. It hurt me to see how his eyes had closed over and his lower lip had trembled. I saw vulnerability in him that perhaps I had suspected was always there, but hadn't seen before. I knew that there was a deep and sensitive guy beneath his skin of tattoos and piercings.
For now I wanted to pull that skin back and love the man that lay beneath. Unlike my mother, he hadn't pushed me away. Jax had stayed and listened to me and had given me a chance to explain, and that meant more to me than I could ever try to tell myself or him. Just that simple act of kindness he had shown by slipping his arm round me as I told him the truth about what had happened between me and my mother's lover. Most guys would have gone running for the hills and believed me to be a whore, just like my mother had done.
With tears now running down my cheeks, I kissed him so tenderly. He kissed me back – but not with the passion of a few hours ago. He took his time, his lips covering my whole mouth, exploring my cheeks, the whole of my face. He pulled me against him, enclosing me in his strong arms.
For the first time I could remember, I felt safe – needed – loved. This wasn't fake like it had been with... I pushed him from my mind. That was in my past and it was time it stayed there.
As Jax pulled me close, it felt as if he was absorbing all the pain I had felt at the loss of my father and the rejection of my mother. How I had longed just to be held like this – for it to be real. I held him just as tight as we kissed. I wanted to take away his pain too – the pain I knew was going to come for him and grip his heart like a cruel fist. For now I wanted both of us not to feel anything but tenderness and an affection that would shield us from whatever lay ahead with those smudges I had seen.
Locked in each other's arms, we sunk slowly to the living room floor and onto the soft carpet. We lay side by side, Jax losing his fingers in my long hair. His touch was soft as he ran his hands over the curve of my neck. He let his fingertips glide slowly over my skin – not rushed or desperate.
Tracing his lips over mine, he brushed them over my cheek and towards my ear. "I believe you, Mina," he whispered. "I do believe you."
To hear this brought more burning tears to my eyes. It was the acceptance I had always craved and longed for. For the first time in my life I no longer felt insane – like the freak I had so often been accused of being. In some way it made me believe in myself too. Deep in my heart I knew that I had always doubted myself. To have others doubt you was painful enough, but to doubt yourself could be crippling. How could I ever expect anyone to believe what I saw through my camera if a part of me – however small – doubted it too?
"You have no idea what those words mean to me," I whispered, looking up into his eyes as he drew himself up onto one elbow so he could look down at me.
"I think I do," he whispered back, wiping the tears from my face with his thumbs.
"I've wanted people to believe in me too. I know what people think of me. I know what people like your friends think of me. They think I'm a hammerhead – a jackass who is only fit for getting his hands dirty beneath the hood of a car. Guys like me don't have feelings; we're only good for drinking and sleeping around.”
“Although we have led two different lives on two different sides of the world, we are more alike than perhaps either of us first thought. I like us being alike." I tried to smile up at him.
Jax didn't say anything at first. He just stared down into my face like he was thinking deeply about something.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"Before, when you were talking, telling me about the smudges," he said, his voice, low and eyes never leaving mine. "Did you mean what you said?"
"About what?" I asked, wondering what part of my story he suddenly doubted.
He took a deep breath. "You said that when you started following me – photographing me and stuff – that you never thought you would end up falling in love with me. You did say that, didn't you?"
I nodded, my heart speeding up a little.
"Good," he whispered, slowly leaning forward and placing his lips over mine.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jax
As we melted together to the floor, I realized that Mina and I were more alike than perhaps I’d believed. When I first met her, heard her accent, watched her cautious movements… I thought we were nothing alike. We had the attraction, but would that be enough? Would we have this whirlwind relationship and then find we had nothing else in common? It happened a lot more than people admitted, and that was not the ending I wanted for our story.
But as she told me about these smudges she sees, how she’d been rejected by her mother, how she’d been called a freak and felt like an outcast, I realized we definitely were more alike than I had thought. Not that I felt like an outcast, but just the opposite. It was a long time ago I had admitted to myself that the tats, the piercings, the motorcycle… they were all just a cover to try and fit in, to hide the insecurities that lay deep within me. I literally wore my insecurities on the outside of my body, while Mina kept hers hidden deep inside. There was nothing she could hide from me now. I knew what her secret was, and I knew why she felt the need to hide it.
And I believed her. If she believed she saw these… ghosts… or whatever they were, then she did. She described my dad to a tee and broke my heart into a thousand pieces in the process, but maybe it’s what I needed to hear to bring my heart up to speed with what I already knew in my head. Dad was gone and now it was time to find it in me and let him go, say my goodbyes and try to mend my damaged and wrecked heart. I hoped Mina would be there with me for the journey.
But I wasn’t going to think about that right now. I looked down into Mina’s eyes and let my thumbs clear a path through the wet trail leaking down her flushed cheeks. She admitted she loved me, and now it was time for me to admit that I had fallen for her, too. I leaned over and gently kissed and licked away each tear, and heard her let out a soft sigh.
I slid my hand up and ran my fingers through her silky golden hair. Leaning down, I brushed my lips with hers and then softly licked her lips. She opened them for me and I nipped at her bottom lip before fully crushing my mouth on hers, gently snaking my tongue into her wet and willing mouth.
I felt her hands reach under my shirt and rub the skin on my back. Her hands were warm and soft, and when they slid down and began to slip between my beltline and my skin, I groaned into her mouth. I broke the kiss, and with my right hand, I reached behind my head and pulled my T-shirt off my back in one tug and threw it to the floor. It was time to feel skin on skin, so I slowly slid my hands up her bare belly and pushed the sweater she was wearing up and off. For good measure, I unhooked the bra and let it fall loosely to the side. I looked at her lying there, bare shoulders, her beautiful breasts on display.
My pants became even more uncomfortable.