Until I Break
Page 7
“Don’t you ever sleep?” I mutter into the quiet.
You and me. Tomorrow. Seabrook Island. The turtles are in.
I don’t bother to respond. The instant she realizes I’m awake, she’ll call me with a thousand questions about Alec. And right now, I don’t have answers.
********
I glance at my phone for the thousandth time. 10:46. I squeeze more lotion into my palm and rub it onto my legs.
I’m antsy. Chris is coming to get me at noon. After my therapy session.
I sigh just thinking about it. I’ve almost talked myself into asking for Dr. B’s opinion on the Mason/Alec situation. Last night, long after my cocoa should’ve worked, I tossed and turned in bed, wrestling over the wisdom of following my insane desire for Mason into some crazy thing with Alec.
On the one hand, it has danger and heartache written all over it. But on the other hand, what if Chris is right? What if I need this?
After a cup of coffee to revitalize myself this morning, a cup which had zero effect on my sleepy brain, I still had no answers, so I took a shower. I mulled as I shaved. The result was supposed to be an answer. Instead, I stepped out of the shower with everything from ankle to armpit shaved slick as a whistle.
Now, as I smooth lotion over my lightly tanned, hairless skin, I have no better idea what to do about Alec. If he even wants to see me again, that is.
With a growl, I try to force the situation from my mind, focusing instead on getting out my supplies for an at-home mani/pedi. I figure I’ll have just enough time to squeeze in a quick one after my appointment, but before Chris comes to get me.
I dump it all on the bed and check the time again. It’s 10:54.
My phone rings and I jump. Once again, my first thought is that it might be Alec. As it did before, my heart races with hope and optimism. But also just as it did before, my pulse plummets with disappointment when I see that it’s not.
It’s just Ari, my publicist.
It can’t be a good sign that I’m acting like a crazy-stupid school girl already.
Pushing aside thoughts of Alec, I answer.
“Good morning.”
“Well, good morning to you,” Ari says pleasantly enough. “Why don’t we keep it that way. You just go ahead and say ‘yes’ and I won’t waste your time with details.”
“That would be fine if I weren’t a details person. And if I didn’t suspect you’ve gone and done something I’m not going to like.”
Although I know that I need to do events and signings to further my career, Ari knows I dread them. My insecurities make me much more comfortable with the life of a hermit.
“Where’s the faith? When have I ever led you astray?”
I’m not really in the mood for playful banter. “What’s up?”
“Your presence has been requested at a great blogger event Monday night.”
When he doesn’t continue, I quickly deduce that this is not the bad part.
“Okay. What’s the catch?”
His pause tells me that this is the bad part. “It’s in Portland.”
“Portland? Portland, Oregon?”
“Yes.”
I sigh loudly. After giving it a few seconds of thought, however, I begin to think a short trip might not be such a bad idea. At the very least, it would be a distraction.
“Is that it?”
“Well…”
Oh, God! There’s more?
“A-ri,” I say warningly.
“Well, there is a huge book retailer out there that is holding a signing and would love for you to come.” I’m just about to breathe a sigh of relief when he adds, “On Friday.”
“What? That’s almost a week, Ari. You know I can’t do that.”
“You can. You just don’t want to.”
“I have responsibilities here. You know that.”
“You mean the cat.”
“Yes, the cat. Among other things.”
Vaguely, I hope he doesn’t ask for a list. Sadly, Jinx is the biggest reason. Really, there’s no one else in my life who would miss me if I left for a week. Other than Chris. And maybe my parents. Besides them, my life is sorely lacking in loved ones to fill it.
Alec’s face flashes through my mind. If I had plans with him, my answer would be a definitive no. But I don’t. Because he hasn’t called.
Maybe it would be good to get away for a while. Maybe that’s what I need. Maybe my judgment is compromised by all that has happened lately. By Alec. And Mason.
Impulsively, I agree. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
“You will?”
Judging by his response, Ari really didn’t think I would. It’s terrible that I give him such a hard time over things like this, but I really do hate leaving Jinx with Chris. And Chris hates it, too.
But this time, I think it’s needed.
“Yes. I will.”
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
He gives me the details of my itinerary, assuring me that all of it is with my assistant, Annabelle, who will be forwarding the information via email so I won’t forget.
“Thank you so much for doing this. Really. It will be great for us. For you.”
“Mmm hmm, I like how you added me second.”
“Hey, what’s good for you is good for all of us.”
I glance at the clock. Time to go log on for my session.
“Gotta run, Ari. Will we be flying together? Or am I meeting you there?”
“I’ll meet you there. I’ll find you at the baggage claim carousel.”
“Okay. See you then.”
I hang up and go to the secure site Dr. B uses for therapy. Although I’m still a couple of minutes early, I’m surprised to see that she hasn’t logged on yet. As I wait, my mind spins toward Alec once again, Alec and the dilemma I face with him. Seven minutes have passed by the time Dr. B logs on. It’s just enough time for me to talk myself into asking her opinion about Alec.
She should be good enough at her job to be able to give me sound advice without knowing every detail of my past yet, right?
I see the notice that she has logged on, and before she even has a chance to greet me with her usual brief-but-pleasant therapist “small talk”, I launch into my question.
(LauraDrake): I know you have lots of delving into my past to do, but I have a question. I need your advice about something, if you don’t mind.
There’s a short pause during which I wonder if she’s considering if she should agree or stick to her own methodical psychological dissection.
I’m pleasantly surprised and relieved when she agrees. Well, when she sort of agrees.
(Buraquinho_Dr): What’s the question?
It’s my turn to pause as I think of the best way to word it. It doesn’t take me long to realize that I won’t be able to get her best guidance if I don’t go ahead and tell her at least a little bit of what my problem with Alec is.
(LauraDrake): For reasons we have yet to discuss, I haven’t been able to have an orgasm. It has to do with some things that happened to me when I was younger. The problem is that it’s very problematic in any sexual relationship I attempt.
There’s only a short pause.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Go on.
So I do.
(LauraDrake): I’ve met someone. He reminds me of Mason Strait, my main male character. I know that’s probably a whole session right there, but I need more immediate help.
I frown when I read her response.
(Buraquinho_Dr): So what’s your question?
I don’t want to get into a discussion about Alec per se. I just want to know if engaging in a sexual relationship with him could possibly help me.
(LauraDrake): I’m considering a sexual relationship, but they always end badly. Devastatingly, actually. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve even attempted it. I’ve not really been interested until now.
Her question is a good one.
(Buraquinho_Dr): And why are you considering one now? With this man?
I have to take my time answering, simply because I know what she’ll probably say if I’m blunt and honest.
(LauraDrake): I’m very attracted to him.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Why?
And there’s the kicker. Is it because of Alec himself, of who and what and how he is? Or is it because he reminds me so much of a man that lives only inside my head?
When I don’t answer, Dr. B prompts me.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Is it because he reminds you of Mason?
She reads me well. Even though it’s not only because he reminds me of Mason, it has a lot to do with it.
(LauraDrake): Yes. At least partly, I think.
I can almost hear Dr. B clearing her throat. At least that’s how I imagine the session going.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Do you think it’s healthy to begin a relationship, especially one that you already expect to have issues with, on grounds such as those?
Who’s the therapist here? I’m supposed to be asking the questions and she’s supposed to be answering them.
(LauraDrake): Probably not, but do you think there’s a possibility that this might help me in some way? Be cathartic somehow?
The cursor blinks as I wait.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Well, first of all, I think you’d like to think it will help you, but I believe you have your doubts that it will or you wouldn’t be asking me. In my opinion, you are seeking someone to agree with you, to justify you going forward in this relationship. Secondly, I can’t know if it might be cathartic if I don’t know the root of the problem. There is the possibility that it could worsen things. I can make deductions and assumptions, but those won’t really help. I’ll need more information.
But that will take time. And I don’t have time.
Or do I? It’s not like he’s called me or anything.
I squash the feeling of disappointment and glance at the clock, ever mindful of the time. That’s something that I find weird about therapy. It’s like I can hear the clock ticking away the minutes inside my head. And now I’m down to the wire. 11:58.
Where has the time gone?
I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere really. Or have I? Has she just answered my question in a round-about way?
(LauraDrake): So you’re thinking that I might be trying to justify doing something that I suspect will be harmful. Is that about it?
I hope that didn’t come out as snippy as it felt.
(Buraquinho_Dr): I didn’t say that. That’s just a hunch. It sounds to me like you want to explore this person because of his resemblance to Mason, but you’re afraid things will end badly. And rather than avoiding the pain, you’re more comfortable justifying it with the thought that it might be worth it as a therapeutic tool.
Before I can answer, she goes on.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Truthfully, without knowing all the details, which we don’t have time to get into today, I can’t truly advise you or help you come to a conclusion that’s healthiest for you. The best guidance I can give you is to say that you should try to avoid an intimate relationship until we can further discuss your mother’s role in your childhood and any sexual development you achieved during your time with her. I’m guessing some of your present dilemmas stem from that period.
She’s perceptive, just as I would expect any therapist worth their salt to be. And she’s right. As much as I wanted her to agree with Chris, I already knew the wise choice. She just reiterated it.
That doesn’t keep me from wanting to kick something in a fit of temper, though. I really wanted her to give me the green light to explore my real-life Mason. But I’m smart enough to realize that would end in disaster.
(LauraDrake): Thank you, Dr. B. Sorry I wasted our whole session with this.
She’s gracious, of course.
(Buraquinho_Dr): If it’s important to you, it’s something that needed to be addressed. We’ll get into more next time.
That reminds me of my new schedule for next week—Oregon. I might as well tell her so that she doesn’t find out some other way and think I’m avoiding her. Which I actually am. Her office is in Portland.
(LauraDrake): I’ll be in Portland next week, but I’ll still be able to log on for our sessions.
Another pause.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Thank you for telling me. I’d really like for you to consider coming into the office. I know you think you’re not ready, but you really don’t have to hide from me. I’m here to help you.
I sigh.
(LauraDrake): I know. And I’ll think about it.
Just before I log off, I see her response.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Fair enough. See you on Tuesday.
The notice pops up that Dr. B has logged off. She got the last word, one that says she fully expects me to come to her office on Tuesday.
We’ll see, I think, not having any real intention of going in for a visit.
I try, ineffectively I might add, to push all thoughts of therapists and mysterious men from my mind as I plunk down on my bed to do my nails. The doorbell rings. I know exactly who it is and she won’t be happy when she sees I’m not ready.
I walk to the door and check the peephole just to be sure. I see my sister standing in the hall, holding two cups of my favorite coffee.
I open the door.
“I’m almost ready.”
“What’s this almost crap? I told you wha—”
“I had a therapy session today, remember? Therapy I didn’t even want. Therapy someone aggravated me into taking.”
She rolls her eyes, knowing she can’t say a word about it now. “Fine. I’ll gloat until you’re dressed then.”
“Gloat?” I shut the door behind her and take a coffee cup from her hand. I remove the little stopper and take a sip. “At least you came bearing gifts. I need this after the sleepless night I had.”
You and me. Tomorrow. Seabrook Island. The turtles are in.
I don’t bother to respond. The instant she realizes I’m awake, she’ll call me with a thousand questions about Alec. And right now, I don’t have answers.
********
I glance at my phone for the thousandth time. 10:46. I squeeze more lotion into my palm and rub it onto my legs.
I’m antsy. Chris is coming to get me at noon. After my therapy session.
I sigh just thinking about it. I’ve almost talked myself into asking for Dr. B’s opinion on the Mason/Alec situation. Last night, long after my cocoa should’ve worked, I tossed and turned in bed, wrestling over the wisdom of following my insane desire for Mason into some crazy thing with Alec.
On the one hand, it has danger and heartache written all over it. But on the other hand, what if Chris is right? What if I need this?
After a cup of coffee to revitalize myself this morning, a cup which had zero effect on my sleepy brain, I still had no answers, so I took a shower. I mulled as I shaved. The result was supposed to be an answer. Instead, I stepped out of the shower with everything from ankle to armpit shaved slick as a whistle.
Now, as I smooth lotion over my lightly tanned, hairless skin, I have no better idea what to do about Alec. If he even wants to see me again, that is.
With a growl, I try to force the situation from my mind, focusing instead on getting out my supplies for an at-home mani/pedi. I figure I’ll have just enough time to squeeze in a quick one after my appointment, but before Chris comes to get me.
I dump it all on the bed and check the time again. It’s 10:54.
My phone rings and I jump. Once again, my first thought is that it might be Alec. As it did before, my heart races with hope and optimism. But also just as it did before, my pulse plummets with disappointment when I see that it’s not.
It’s just Ari, my publicist.
It can’t be a good sign that I’m acting like a crazy-stupid school girl already.
Pushing aside thoughts of Alec, I answer.
“Good morning.”
“Well, good morning to you,” Ari says pleasantly enough. “Why don’t we keep it that way. You just go ahead and say ‘yes’ and I won’t waste your time with details.”
“That would be fine if I weren’t a details person. And if I didn’t suspect you’ve gone and done something I’m not going to like.”
Although I know that I need to do events and signings to further my career, Ari knows I dread them. My insecurities make me much more comfortable with the life of a hermit.
“Where’s the faith? When have I ever led you astray?”
I’m not really in the mood for playful banter. “What’s up?”
“Your presence has been requested at a great blogger event Monday night.”
When he doesn’t continue, I quickly deduce that this is not the bad part.
“Okay. What’s the catch?”
His pause tells me that this is the bad part. “It’s in Portland.”
“Portland? Portland, Oregon?”
“Yes.”
I sigh loudly. After giving it a few seconds of thought, however, I begin to think a short trip might not be such a bad idea. At the very least, it would be a distraction.
“Is that it?”
“Well…”
Oh, God! There’s more?
“A-ri,” I say warningly.
“Well, there is a huge book retailer out there that is holding a signing and would love for you to come.” I’m just about to breathe a sigh of relief when he adds, “On Friday.”
“What? That’s almost a week, Ari. You know I can’t do that.”
“You can. You just don’t want to.”
“I have responsibilities here. You know that.”
“You mean the cat.”
“Yes, the cat. Among other things.”
Vaguely, I hope he doesn’t ask for a list. Sadly, Jinx is the biggest reason. Really, there’s no one else in my life who would miss me if I left for a week. Other than Chris. And maybe my parents. Besides them, my life is sorely lacking in loved ones to fill it.
Alec’s face flashes through my mind. If I had plans with him, my answer would be a definitive no. But I don’t. Because he hasn’t called.
Maybe it would be good to get away for a while. Maybe that’s what I need. Maybe my judgment is compromised by all that has happened lately. By Alec. And Mason.
Impulsively, I agree. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
“You will?”
Judging by his response, Ari really didn’t think I would. It’s terrible that I give him such a hard time over things like this, but I really do hate leaving Jinx with Chris. And Chris hates it, too.
But this time, I think it’s needed.
“Yes. I will.”
“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
He gives me the details of my itinerary, assuring me that all of it is with my assistant, Annabelle, who will be forwarding the information via email so I won’t forget.
“Thank you so much for doing this. Really. It will be great for us. For you.”
“Mmm hmm, I like how you added me second.”
“Hey, what’s good for you is good for all of us.”
I glance at the clock. Time to go log on for my session.
“Gotta run, Ari. Will we be flying together? Or am I meeting you there?”
“I’ll meet you there. I’ll find you at the baggage claim carousel.”
“Okay. See you then.”
I hang up and go to the secure site Dr. B uses for therapy. Although I’m still a couple of minutes early, I’m surprised to see that she hasn’t logged on yet. As I wait, my mind spins toward Alec once again, Alec and the dilemma I face with him. Seven minutes have passed by the time Dr. B logs on. It’s just enough time for me to talk myself into asking her opinion about Alec.
She should be good enough at her job to be able to give me sound advice without knowing every detail of my past yet, right?
I see the notice that she has logged on, and before she even has a chance to greet me with her usual brief-but-pleasant therapist “small talk”, I launch into my question.
(LauraDrake): I know you have lots of delving into my past to do, but I have a question. I need your advice about something, if you don’t mind.
There’s a short pause during which I wonder if she’s considering if she should agree or stick to her own methodical psychological dissection.
I’m pleasantly surprised and relieved when she agrees. Well, when she sort of agrees.
(Buraquinho_Dr): What’s the question?
It’s my turn to pause as I think of the best way to word it. It doesn’t take me long to realize that I won’t be able to get her best guidance if I don’t go ahead and tell her at least a little bit of what my problem with Alec is.
(LauraDrake): For reasons we have yet to discuss, I haven’t been able to have an orgasm. It has to do with some things that happened to me when I was younger. The problem is that it’s very problematic in any sexual relationship I attempt.
There’s only a short pause.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Go on.
So I do.
(LauraDrake): I’ve met someone. He reminds me of Mason Strait, my main male character. I know that’s probably a whole session right there, but I need more immediate help.
I frown when I read her response.
(Buraquinho_Dr): So what’s your question?
I don’t want to get into a discussion about Alec per se. I just want to know if engaging in a sexual relationship with him could possibly help me.
(LauraDrake): I’m considering a sexual relationship, but they always end badly. Devastatingly, actually. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve even attempted it. I’ve not really been interested until now.
Her question is a good one.
(Buraquinho_Dr): And why are you considering one now? With this man?
I have to take my time answering, simply because I know what she’ll probably say if I’m blunt and honest.
(LauraDrake): I’m very attracted to him.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Why?
And there’s the kicker. Is it because of Alec himself, of who and what and how he is? Or is it because he reminds me so much of a man that lives only inside my head?
When I don’t answer, Dr. B prompts me.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Is it because he reminds you of Mason?
She reads me well. Even though it’s not only because he reminds me of Mason, it has a lot to do with it.
(LauraDrake): Yes. At least partly, I think.
I can almost hear Dr. B clearing her throat. At least that’s how I imagine the session going.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Do you think it’s healthy to begin a relationship, especially one that you already expect to have issues with, on grounds such as those?
Who’s the therapist here? I’m supposed to be asking the questions and she’s supposed to be answering them.
(LauraDrake): Probably not, but do you think there’s a possibility that this might help me in some way? Be cathartic somehow?
The cursor blinks as I wait.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Well, first of all, I think you’d like to think it will help you, but I believe you have your doubts that it will or you wouldn’t be asking me. In my opinion, you are seeking someone to agree with you, to justify you going forward in this relationship. Secondly, I can’t know if it might be cathartic if I don’t know the root of the problem. There is the possibility that it could worsen things. I can make deductions and assumptions, but those won’t really help. I’ll need more information.
But that will take time. And I don’t have time.
Or do I? It’s not like he’s called me or anything.
I squash the feeling of disappointment and glance at the clock, ever mindful of the time. That’s something that I find weird about therapy. It’s like I can hear the clock ticking away the minutes inside my head. And now I’m down to the wire. 11:58.
Where has the time gone?
I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere really. Or have I? Has she just answered my question in a round-about way?
(LauraDrake): So you’re thinking that I might be trying to justify doing something that I suspect will be harmful. Is that about it?
I hope that didn’t come out as snippy as it felt.
(Buraquinho_Dr): I didn’t say that. That’s just a hunch. It sounds to me like you want to explore this person because of his resemblance to Mason, but you’re afraid things will end badly. And rather than avoiding the pain, you’re more comfortable justifying it with the thought that it might be worth it as a therapeutic tool.
Before I can answer, she goes on.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Truthfully, without knowing all the details, which we don’t have time to get into today, I can’t truly advise you or help you come to a conclusion that’s healthiest for you. The best guidance I can give you is to say that you should try to avoid an intimate relationship until we can further discuss your mother’s role in your childhood and any sexual development you achieved during your time with her. I’m guessing some of your present dilemmas stem from that period.
She’s perceptive, just as I would expect any therapist worth their salt to be. And she’s right. As much as I wanted her to agree with Chris, I already knew the wise choice. She just reiterated it.
That doesn’t keep me from wanting to kick something in a fit of temper, though. I really wanted her to give me the green light to explore my real-life Mason. But I’m smart enough to realize that would end in disaster.
(LauraDrake): Thank you, Dr. B. Sorry I wasted our whole session with this.
She’s gracious, of course.
(Buraquinho_Dr): If it’s important to you, it’s something that needed to be addressed. We’ll get into more next time.
That reminds me of my new schedule for next week—Oregon. I might as well tell her so that she doesn’t find out some other way and think I’m avoiding her. Which I actually am. Her office is in Portland.
(LauraDrake): I’ll be in Portland next week, but I’ll still be able to log on for our sessions.
Another pause.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Thank you for telling me. I’d really like for you to consider coming into the office. I know you think you’re not ready, but you really don’t have to hide from me. I’m here to help you.
I sigh.
(LauraDrake): I know. And I’ll think about it.
Just before I log off, I see her response.
(Buraquinho_Dr): Fair enough. See you on Tuesday.
The notice pops up that Dr. B has logged off. She got the last word, one that says she fully expects me to come to her office on Tuesday.
We’ll see, I think, not having any real intention of going in for a visit.
I try, ineffectively I might add, to push all thoughts of therapists and mysterious men from my mind as I plunk down on my bed to do my nails. The doorbell rings. I know exactly who it is and she won’t be happy when she sees I’m not ready.
I walk to the door and check the peephole just to be sure. I see my sister standing in the hall, holding two cups of my favorite coffee.
I open the door.
“I’m almost ready.”
“What’s this almost crap? I told you wha—”
“I had a therapy session today, remember? Therapy I didn’t even want. Therapy someone aggravated me into taking.”
She rolls her eyes, knowing she can’t say a word about it now. “Fine. I’ll gloat until you’re dressed then.”
“Gloat?” I shut the door behind her and take a coffee cup from her hand. I remove the little stopper and take a sip. “At least you came bearing gifts. I need this after the sleepless night I had.”
