Until I Die
Page 28
“We’ve spent the night together,” he replied, “when I’ve been volant.”
“Yeah but I couldn’t do this,” I said, and pressed my lips back to his. He took my head in his hands, returning the kiss, and then, wrapping me in his arms, he pulled me toward him. Our limbs wound themselves around each other’s until our bodies were completely tangled, and I couldn’t feel the point where mine stopped and his started.
His hand moved inside the back of my shirt, and the novelty of his warm skin brushing against mine sparked a powerful longing inside me. I didn’t want him to stop until he had marked every inch of my body with his touch. And as he continued, it felt like I was expanding. Like my body was too small to contain me and I would burst out of my skin like a supernova.
“Kate.” Vincent’s voice sounded like it was coming from a distance. “Are you ready for this? Do you want it to be now?”
“Yes,” I said automatically, and then, opening my eyes, I hesitated. Vincent had sat up and begun pulling his shirt over his head, and I saw that his chest was marked with bruises—bigger, darker facsimiles of the ones under his eyes. And although they didn’t repel me—if anything, they triggered something in me that wanted to take care of him—they were shocking enough to clear away the mist from my passion-muddled thoughts.
We’re both hiding something. The words flashed through my mind with a clarity that made me wonder if they had been spoken out loud.
It was true. We were both keeping something important from the other. And suddenly it seemed dishonest for our bodies to join when our spirits were divided. That’s not how I want this to start, I thought, and as he folded me back into his arms, I said, “Wait, Vincent. I’m not . . . I’m not ready yet.”
Vincent ‘s grasp on me loosened. He paused, then moved his mouth next to my ear. “That’s okay,” he said, his hot breath on my skin making me shudder. “I’ve waited this long for you—I’m in no rush. We’ll have all the time in the world.”
We lay there motionless for a few minutes as I savored the sweetness of feeling his body pressed against my own. Finally we eased apart enough to look into each other’s eyes. “Kate. Don’t cry.” Vincent looked concerned.
“I’m not,” I said, and then realized that my eyes were filled with tears.
I wasn’t crying from frustration: My desire for Vincent wasn’t only physical. It wasn’t confined to the here and now. I wanted him, body and soul. And I wanted the hours we had together to be full of life and love and joy at having found each other.
But looking at the boy lying inches from me was like being laughed at by misery and death. Besides the bruises on his chest, his lovely face was marred by the pallor of exhaustion and the circles under his eyes. And although he was still stronger than any boy I knew, his strength had been markedly sapped.
Seeing him waste away before my eyes was making our future feel even bleaker than ever. This was not how things were meant to be. We had avoided it for long enough . . . now it was time to talk.
“You did what?” Vincent said, aghast.
We sat facing each other in the middle of the bed. I grasped his hands firmly between mine, unsure if my death grip was meant to keep him calm or provide myself with the support I needed to spit the story out.
“Vincent, are you even hearing me? There is a guérisseur. A long line of guérisseurs, actually, who have had a special relationship with revenants. I am positive that Gaspard doesn’t know about them. Because the healer said it had been centuries since her family had even seen a revenant. This is new information. She might actually be able to help us.”
“Kate, how could you even think of doing something like that without me? You could have been in serious danger. This is my world we’re talking about here. A world where death is always present.”
“It’s my world now too.”
That shut him up. And I took advantage of his silence to tell him the whole tale, beginning with finding the references in the books to tracking down the shop to seeing the signum in the guérisseur’s bowl and what followed. As I finished my story, I saw the glimmer in his eye. If it wasn’t an actual glimmer of hope, it was at least a glimmer of interest.
“Okay, Kate. I agree that this could be promising. But I wish you had told me about it before. I can’t help but freak out when I think of you going alone to see someone who could have been a complete wacko. You could have been hurt . . . or worse. And I would never have known where to find you.”
“Jules came with me,” I said, trying to sound firm, but the confidence that I had begun the conversation with was quickly fading.
“JULES?” Vincent responded, incredulous. “Jules took you to see this guérisseur?”
“Well, he didn’t exactly know where he was taking me—or why—until after it was all over.”
My heart sank as I recognized the expression on Vincent’s face. It was a look of betrayal, as he realized that his best friend and his girlfriend had done something behind his back.
“Vincent, stop!” I insisted. “I talked Jules into it. If there’s anyone you should be mad at, it is me. If it helps at all, Jules was furious and said if I didn’t tell you about it, then he would. I did not do this with the express purpose of deceiving you, Vincent. I did it to help us: you and me.”
“I am already doing everything I can to help us.” Vincent’s eyes flashed with anger.
“What? What is it exactly that you are doing?” I said, my voice rising. “Because from what it looks like to me, whatever you’re doing is causing you more harm than good.”
“That’s because you don’t understand how it’s supposed to work,” Vincent shot back, rubbing his temples in frustration.
I touched his knee. “Then explain it to me.”
Our eyes met, and we held the gaze for a long while before he exhaled. “Fine. Just give me a little time to think. But we’ll talk tonight, I promise.”
THIRTY
THE MORNING PASSED QUICKLY, WITH THE FOUR of us wandering lazily through the little town and across the abandoned winter beach. After a lighthearted lunch, during which Geneviève banned any serious or depressing subjects, we headed to the harbor to where a sleek blue speedboat was moored between massive luxury yachts.
“Wow, I wonder whose that is,” Charlotte remarked. Then, leaping over the railing, she plopped herself down in the driver’s seat. “All aboard!” she yelled, and then cracked up when she saw my expression. “Don’t worry, Kate, it’s ours.” She patted the seat next to her. “Come on!”
We spent the next couple of hours speeding up and down the coast, the landscape shifting rapidly from magnificent beaches to vertiginous cliffs towering over the sea. Vincent leaned toward me at one point and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this ecstatically happy before.”
“It’s the closest thing I can think of to flying,” I admitted.
“To-do list with Kate,” he said to himself, looking satisfied. “More speedboats.”
After dinner that night, Vincent stood and took my hand. “If you’ll excuse us, I’m going out with Kate,” he told Geneviève and Charlotte. We walked down the steps from the terrace, past a covered swimming pool, and through a gate into the trees. After a minute, we reached a rocky outcrop with a perfect view of the bay.
“I’ve been coming here as long as I’ve known Jean-Baptiste,” he said, settling himself on the edge of the cliff and lifting his hand to pull me down next to him. “It’s his favorite home-away-from-home. He had it built in the 1930s, after he saw photos of Le Corbusier’s buildings. The house is amazing, but I’ve always come here—to this spot—when I needed to stop and remember what life was about.” He wrapped an arm around me and we sat quietly, our legs dangling over the side of the rocks, watching the lights of the boats shimmer on the water.
“Close your eyes and tell me what you hear,” he said, and waited.
I smiled. “Is this a game?”
“No, it’s a meditation.”
I shut my eyes and calmed my breathing, letting my senses take over. “I hear waves crashing. And the wind in the trees.”
“What do you smell?”
I switched senses. “Pine trees. Brine.”
He took my hand and ran my fingers over the stone we sat on. I responded without him asking. “Cold, smooth rock with little indentations all over, the size of my fingertips.” Opening my eyes, I breathed in the chilly sea air and tasted its pure flavor—such a change from the city air of Paris.
I felt nature move around me and through me, as my pulse slowed to the rhythm set by the crashing waves and staccato sea breeze. Our two insignificant human bodies became indecipherable from the titan agelessness of the elements around us. As we sat in silence, I knew Vincent was experiencing the same mesmerizing calm as me. Finally he spoke.
“You know how you meditate in front of paintings? Well, I do it in nature, when I need to remember that my universe isn’t fantasy fiction—that I still exist in the real world. And that my immortality isn’t some cosmic joke. This is the purest place I know. And what I feel here is the closest I’ve felt to happiness in all the years after my death.
“But now I have something that blows that feeling out of the water. Every time I need a hit of joy, I think about you. You are my solace, Kate. Just knowing that you are in this world, everything makes sense.”
He leaned forward and, smoothing my hair off my face, gave me a short, sweet kiss before continuing.
“I want us to work, Kate. That is why I’ve been searching for something—anything—to make our time together as easy as it can be. Without the pain that my regular revenant existence—that my deaths—would bring. And, although things might not look great on the surface, I do think I’ve found it.”
Although my heart leapt at his enthusiasm, a feeling of dread quashed my joy. This was going to be worse than I had imagined. Vincent was approaching the subject way too carefully, and the look in his eye said he was worried about how I would take it. Here it comes, I thought, and braced myself.
Vincent held my gaze. “You know how dying for humans satisfies a need within us? That saving people is our very purpose for being?”
I nodded, a bud of fear blossoming in my chest.
“Ancient texts call that ‘lifestyle’ the ‘Light Way,’” he said. “It is the natural order of things. It wipes the slate clean, giving us a year or so before we start feeling the pull again.
“But there is another way to assuage the need to die. It’s called the ‘Dark Way.’ It’s a temporary cure, and doesn’t bring us back to our death age. But some have been known to use it as a method to resist . . . when there is a dire enough reason to.”
I shivered, knowing that whatever it was, I didn’t want him to be doing it.
“Remember the energy transfer that Arthur got when he saved Georgia?”
“Yes.”
“Well, with the Dark Way the same principle applies, but in reverse. When a revenant kills a numa, we are temporarily infused with their energy.”
This is very, very bad, a voice inside my mind told me. Shuddering, I forced it to shut up and listen.
Vincent continued. “Historically speaking, there’s a good reason for this: If a wounded revenant is able to kill a numa in battle, the immediate power surge gives him enough strength to escape to safety. You saw how strong Arthur was after killing that numa in the alleyway. He got right up to his feet after sustaining a pretty serious wound. Since he received the numa’s energy, as well as the strength from saving Georgia, he didn’t suffer at all.”
I nodded, trying to wrap my mind around it. Even though most of the revenants’ rules for functioning sounded strange at first, they all had some sort of rational purpose behind them.
“So that’s one short-lived benefit of killing a numa. But on top of that, if the revenant hasn’t died for a while, it also alleviates that desire to die—scratching his itch, you could say.
“For one pursuing the Dark Way, killing numa on a regular, continual basis not only scratches the itch but prevents it. Completely. At least that is what Gaspard and Violette have concluded from the old texts. We don’t actually know of anyone who has tried it in recent times.”
“Why?” My voice was hollow. “Because it’s dangerous?”
“It’s not dangerous in and of itself.”
“Then why?”
“The idea itself is unappealing.” Vincent sighed deeply. He really didn’t want to talk about this. “Humans are good by nature. When we get their energy, it’s that positive power of their innate goodness that we’re infused with. Numa are evil, and so is their energy. So when we kill them, it’s the negative power of their rage that’s transferred.”
“That . . . evil . . . numa power . . . has been going into you?” I tried to hide the disgust in my voice. Vincent had been right to assume that the idea would freak me out. I wasn’t only freaked. I was deeply, intensely disturbed.
He nodded, quickly adding, “But it’s not like their character can rub off on me or anything. It won’t change me . . . make me evil or whatever. It just has these unfortunate side effects”—he touched the mottled shadow under his eyes—“but they’re not going to last. They mean my body is building up resistance.”
“Then why are you in an even more awful state this month than last?” I exploded. “If you’re building up resistance, shouldn’t it be getting better, not worse?”
“Yeah but I couldn’t do this,” I said, and pressed my lips back to his. He took my head in his hands, returning the kiss, and then, wrapping me in his arms, he pulled me toward him. Our limbs wound themselves around each other’s until our bodies were completely tangled, and I couldn’t feel the point where mine stopped and his started.
His hand moved inside the back of my shirt, and the novelty of his warm skin brushing against mine sparked a powerful longing inside me. I didn’t want him to stop until he had marked every inch of my body with his touch. And as he continued, it felt like I was expanding. Like my body was too small to contain me and I would burst out of my skin like a supernova.
“Kate.” Vincent’s voice sounded like it was coming from a distance. “Are you ready for this? Do you want it to be now?”
“Yes,” I said automatically, and then, opening my eyes, I hesitated. Vincent had sat up and begun pulling his shirt over his head, and I saw that his chest was marked with bruises—bigger, darker facsimiles of the ones under his eyes. And although they didn’t repel me—if anything, they triggered something in me that wanted to take care of him—they were shocking enough to clear away the mist from my passion-muddled thoughts.
We’re both hiding something. The words flashed through my mind with a clarity that made me wonder if they had been spoken out loud.
It was true. We were both keeping something important from the other. And suddenly it seemed dishonest for our bodies to join when our spirits were divided. That’s not how I want this to start, I thought, and as he folded me back into his arms, I said, “Wait, Vincent. I’m not . . . I’m not ready yet.”
Vincent ‘s grasp on me loosened. He paused, then moved his mouth next to my ear. “That’s okay,” he said, his hot breath on my skin making me shudder. “I’ve waited this long for you—I’m in no rush. We’ll have all the time in the world.”
We lay there motionless for a few minutes as I savored the sweetness of feeling his body pressed against my own. Finally we eased apart enough to look into each other’s eyes. “Kate. Don’t cry.” Vincent looked concerned.
“I’m not,” I said, and then realized that my eyes were filled with tears.
I wasn’t crying from frustration: My desire for Vincent wasn’t only physical. It wasn’t confined to the here and now. I wanted him, body and soul. And I wanted the hours we had together to be full of life and love and joy at having found each other.
But looking at the boy lying inches from me was like being laughed at by misery and death. Besides the bruises on his chest, his lovely face was marred by the pallor of exhaustion and the circles under his eyes. And although he was still stronger than any boy I knew, his strength had been markedly sapped.
Seeing him waste away before my eyes was making our future feel even bleaker than ever. This was not how things were meant to be. We had avoided it for long enough . . . now it was time to talk.
“You did what?” Vincent said, aghast.
We sat facing each other in the middle of the bed. I grasped his hands firmly between mine, unsure if my death grip was meant to keep him calm or provide myself with the support I needed to spit the story out.
“Vincent, are you even hearing me? There is a guérisseur. A long line of guérisseurs, actually, who have had a special relationship with revenants. I am positive that Gaspard doesn’t know about them. Because the healer said it had been centuries since her family had even seen a revenant. This is new information. She might actually be able to help us.”
“Kate, how could you even think of doing something like that without me? You could have been in serious danger. This is my world we’re talking about here. A world where death is always present.”
“It’s my world now too.”
That shut him up. And I took advantage of his silence to tell him the whole tale, beginning with finding the references in the books to tracking down the shop to seeing the signum in the guérisseur’s bowl and what followed. As I finished my story, I saw the glimmer in his eye. If it wasn’t an actual glimmer of hope, it was at least a glimmer of interest.
“Okay, Kate. I agree that this could be promising. But I wish you had told me about it before. I can’t help but freak out when I think of you going alone to see someone who could have been a complete wacko. You could have been hurt . . . or worse. And I would never have known where to find you.”
“Jules came with me,” I said, trying to sound firm, but the confidence that I had begun the conversation with was quickly fading.
“JULES?” Vincent responded, incredulous. “Jules took you to see this guérisseur?”
“Well, he didn’t exactly know where he was taking me—or why—until after it was all over.”
My heart sank as I recognized the expression on Vincent’s face. It was a look of betrayal, as he realized that his best friend and his girlfriend had done something behind his back.
“Vincent, stop!” I insisted. “I talked Jules into it. If there’s anyone you should be mad at, it is me. If it helps at all, Jules was furious and said if I didn’t tell you about it, then he would. I did not do this with the express purpose of deceiving you, Vincent. I did it to help us: you and me.”
“I am already doing everything I can to help us.” Vincent’s eyes flashed with anger.
“What? What is it exactly that you are doing?” I said, my voice rising. “Because from what it looks like to me, whatever you’re doing is causing you more harm than good.”
“That’s because you don’t understand how it’s supposed to work,” Vincent shot back, rubbing his temples in frustration.
I touched his knee. “Then explain it to me.”
Our eyes met, and we held the gaze for a long while before he exhaled. “Fine. Just give me a little time to think. But we’ll talk tonight, I promise.”
THIRTY
THE MORNING PASSED QUICKLY, WITH THE FOUR of us wandering lazily through the little town and across the abandoned winter beach. After a lighthearted lunch, during which Geneviève banned any serious or depressing subjects, we headed to the harbor to where a sleek blue speedboat was moored between massive luxury yachts.
“Wow, I wonder whose that is,” Charlotte remarked. Then, leaping over the railing, she plopped herself down in the driver’s seat. “All aboard!” she yelled, and then cracked up when she saw my expression. “Don’t worry, Kate, it’s ours.” She patted the seat next to her. “Come on!”
We spent the next couple of hours speeding up and down the coast, the landscape shifting rapidly from magnificent beaches to vertiginous cliffs towering over the sea. Vincent leaned toward me at one point and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look this ecstatically happy before.”
“It’s the closest thing I can think of to flying,” I admitted.
“To-do list with Kate,” he said to himself, looking satisfied. “More speedboats.”
After dinner that night, Vincent stood and took my hand. “If you’ll excuse us, I’m going out with Kate,” he told Geneviève and Charlotte. We walked down the steps from the terrace, past a covered swimming pool, and through a gate into the trees. After a minute, we reached a rocky outcrop with a perfect view of the bay.
“I’ve been coming here as long as I’ve known Jean-Baptiste,” he said, settling himself on the edge of the cliff and lifting his hand to pull me down next to him. “It’s his favorite home-away-from-home. He had it built in the 1930s, after he saw photos of Le Corbusier’s buildings. The house is amazing, but I’ve always come here—to this spot—when I needed to stop and remember what life was about.” He wrapped an arm around me and we sat quietly, our legs dangling over the side of the rocks, watching the lights of the boats shimmer on the water.
“Close your eyes and tell me what you hear,” he said, and waited.
I smiled. “Is this a game?”
“No, it’s a meditation.”
I shut my eyes and calmed my breathing, letting my senses take over. “I hear waves crashing. And the wind in the trees.”
“What do you smell?”
I switched senses. “Pine trees. Brine.”
He took my hand and ran my fingers over the stone we sat on. I responded without him asking. “Cold, smooth rock with little indentations all over, the size of my fingertips.” Opening my eyes, I breathed in the chilly sea air and tasted its pure flavor—such a change from the city air of Paris.
I felt nature move around me and through me, as my pulse slowed to the rhythm set by the crashing waves and staccato sea breeze. Our two insignificant human bodies became indecipherable from the titan agelessness of the elements around us. As we sat in silence, I knew Vincent was experiencing the same mesmerizing calm as me. Finally he spoke.
“You know how you meditate in front of paintings? Well, I do it in nature, when I need to remember that my universe isn’t fantasy fiction—that I still exist in the real world. And that my immortality isn’t some cosmic joke. This is the purest place I know. And what I feel here is the closest I’ve felt to happiness in all the years after my death.
“But now I have something that blows that feeling out of the water. Every time I need a hit of joy, I think about you. You are my solace, Kate. Just knowing that you are in this world, everything makes sense.”
He leaned forward and, smoothing my hair off my face, gave me a short, sweet kiss before continuing.
“I want us to work, Kate. That is why I’ve been searching for something—anything—to make our time together as easy as it can be. Without the pain that my regular revenant existence—that my deaths—would bring. And, although things might not look great on the surface, I do think I’ve found it.”
Although my heart leapt at his enthusiasm, a feeling of dread quashed my joy. This was going to be worse than I had imagined. Vincent was approaching the subject way too carefully, and the look in his eye said he was worried about how I would take it. Here it comes, I thought, and braced myself.
Vincent held my gaze. “You know how dying for humans satisfies a need within us? That saving people is our very purpose for being?”
I nodded, a bud of fear blossoming in my chest.
“Ancient texts call that ‘lifestyle’ the ‘Light Way,’” he said. “It is the natural order of things. It wipes the slate clean, giving us a year or so before we start feeling the pull again.
“But there is another way to assuage the need to die. It’s called the ‘Dark Way.’ It’s a temporary cure, and doesn’t bring us back to our death age. But some have been known to use it as a method to resist . . . when there is a dire enough reason to.”
I shivered, knowing that whatever it was, I didn’t want him to be doing it.
“Remember the energy transfer that Arthur got when he saved Georgia?”
“Yes.”
“Well, with the Dark Way the same principle applies, but in reverse. When a revenant kills a numa, we are temporarily infused with their energy.”
This is very, very bad, a voice inside my mind told me. Shuddering, I forced it to shut up and listen.
Vincent continued. “Historically speaking, there’s a good reason for this: If a wounded revenant is able to kill a numa in battle, the immediate power surge gives him enough strength to escape to safety. You saw how strong Arthur was after killing that numa in the alleyway. He got right up to his feet after sustaining a pretty serious wound. Since he received the numa’s energy, as well as the strength from saving Georgia, he didn’t suffer at all.”
I nodded, trying to wrap my mind around it. Even though most of the revenants’ rules for functioning sounded strange at first, they all had some sort of rational purpose behind them.
“So that’s one short-lived benefit of killing a numa. But on top of that, if the revenant hasn’t died for a while, it also alleviates that desire to die—scratching his itch, you could say.
“For one pursuing the Dark Way, killing numa on a regular, continual basis not only scratches the itch but prevents it. Completely. At least that is what Gaspard and Violette have concluded from the old texts. We don’t actually know of anyone who has tried it in recent times.”
“Why?” My voice was hollow. “Because it’s dangerous?”
“It’s not dangerous in and of itself.”
“Then why?”
“The idea itself is unappealing.” Vincent sighed deeply. He really didn’t want to talk about this. “Humans are good by nature. When we get their energy, it’s that positive power of their innate goodness that we’re infused with. Numa are evil, and so is their energy. So when we kill them, it’s the negative power of their rage that’s transferred.”
“That . . . evil . . . numa power . . . has been going into you?” I tried to hide the disgust in my voice. Vincent had been right to assume that the idea would freak me out. I wasn’t only freaked. I was deeply, intensely disturbed.
He nodded, quickly adding, “But it’s not like their character can rub off on me or anything. It won’t change me . . . make me evil or whatever. It just has these unfortunate side effects”—he touched the mottled shadow under his eyes—“but they’re not going to last. They mean my body is building up resistance.”
“Then why are you in an even more awful state this month than last?” I exploded. “If you’re building up resistance, shouldn’t it be getting better, not worse?”
