Until You
Page 41
I grabbed the straps of her tank top and pulled them down her arms, her bra coming with it, until everything sat at her waist. Her chest was free for me, and I dived in as she moaned.
Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.
I was trying to run from Tate, but she was catching up with me. I pulled Piper harder against me and inhaled her skin, wanting her to be someone else.
I felt sick when I saw you hating me.
My heart still thumped like it no longer wanted a home in my body, and I couldn’t calm down. What the f**k?
Piper leaned back and started grinding on me, and my hands were everywhere, trying to find the escape. Trying to find my control.
And my heart was ripped open. I missed you.
I gripped Piper’s ass and attacked her neck. She moaned again and said some shit, but I couldn’t hear it. There was only one voice in my head that no amount of Piper or any other girl was going to drown out.
I loved all of those things, and I loved you.
And then I stopped.
All the air had left me.
Tate had loved me.
I didn’t know if it was the look in her tear-filled eyes or the tone of her voice, or maybe the fact that I knew her almost as good as anyone. But I knew she’d told the truth.
She had loved me.
“What’s the matter, baby?” Piper had her arms around my neck, but I couldn’t look at her. I just sat there, f**king breathing into her chest, trying to delude myself for even a few seconds that it was Tate I was holding.
“Jared. What’s with you? You’ve been acting weird ever since the school year started.” Her whiny-ass f**king voice. Why didn’t people ever know when to shut up?
I ran my hands over my face. “Just get up. I’ll take you home,” I bit out.
“I don’t want to go home. You’ve been ignoring me for a month. Over a month, actually!” She pulled her shirt and sweater back on, but she still wasn’t moving.
I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the nerves exploding in my stomach.
“You want a ride or not?” I said, pinning her with a look that said ‘take it or leave it.’ Piper knew better than to ask questions. I didn’t tell Madoc shit, and I wasn’t going to start with this girl.
By the time I got home, my mood had gone from bad to worse. After dropping Piper off, I just drove. I needed to listen to some music, clear my head and try to get rid of this ache in my chest.
I wanted to blame Tate. Turn a blind eye like I always did when she was hurting.
But I couldn’t. Not this time.
There wasn’t going to be any running from the truth. No diving into a party or a girl to distract myself.
The truth was…I wish I could go back to that day in the park. Back to the fish pond when I’d first decided that she needed to hurt. I would’ve done it differently.
Instead of pushing her away, I would’ve buried my face in her hair and let her bring me back from wherever I’d gone. She wouldn’t have had to say or do anything. Just fill my world.
But my anger ran deeper than my love for her that day, and right now, I couldn’t face what I’d done. I couldn’t face that she hated me, that my mother barely wanted anything to do with me, and that my father spent every Saturday reminding me of what a loser I was.
Fuck it. Fuck them all.
I walked into my house, slammed the door and threw my keys across the room. The place was as quiet as a church, except for Madman’s paws scurrying across the floor.
He started clawing at my jeans and whimpering for attention.
“Not now, buddy,” I snipped and walked into the kitchen. Madman couldn’t calm me down, and I wanted to hit something. As I yanked open the refrigerator, I noticed that my mother had left a note stuck to the door.
Off for the night. Order a pizza. Love you!
And I slammed the door closed again. Always f**king gone.
I gripped both sides of the refrigerator and pressed my head into the stainless steel. It didn’t matter, I told myself. Everything was okay. I had shitty parents, but who didn’t? I’d pushed Tate away, but there were other girls out there. I had no idea what the f**k I was going to do with my life, but I was only eighteen—or almost eighteen.
Everything. Was. Fine.
I gripped the sides harder, willing myself to believe the lie.
And then I saw myself, alone in a kitchen, and holding a refrigerator. Telling myself that my life was good.
Fuck.
I started pounding the steel doors. Every muscle in my body felt choked as I slammed my palm against the appliance again and again. Madman yelped and scurried away.
All the shit my mom had sitting up on top turned over or shattered to the ground, and I just kept going. Using both hands to slam it time and again against the wall.
Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.
She was f**king with my head. Why couldn’t I just forget her?
I stopped, my shoulders slumped, forcing air in and out of my lungs, but it was never enough. I turned around to head up the stairs. If my mom was gone for the night, then there was no harm in bringing out the Jack. Since she was an alcoholic, I kept that shit hidden. But tonight I needed a way out. I couldn’t stomach the hurt. I couldn’t deal, and I needed to be numb.
On my way up the stairs, I noticed that the front door was open.
Shit.
It must not have latched when I’d slammed it before. And Madman got out, no doubt.
I kicked the door shut. Hard.
Fucking awesome. Even the dog had left.
Once in my room, I went to the stash Madoc and I skimmed from his father and pulled out a bottle.
Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.
I was trying to run from Tate, but she was catching up with me. I pulled Piper harder against me and inhaled her skin, wanting her to be someone else.
I felt sick when I saw you hating me.
My heart still thumped like it no longer wanted a home in my body, and I couldn’t calm down. What the f**k?
Piper leaned back and started grinding on me, and my hands were everywhere, trying to find the escape. Trying to find my control.
And my heart was ripped open. I missed you.
I gripped Piper’s ass and attacked her neck. She moaned again and said some shit, but I couldn’t hear it. There was only one voice in my head that no amount of Piper or any other girl was going to drown out.
I loved all of those things, and I loved you.
And then I stopped.
All the air had left me.
Tate had loved me.
I didn’t know if it was the look in her tear-filled eyes or the tone of her voice, or maybe the fact that I knew her almost as good as anyone. But I knew she’d told the truth.
She had loved me.
“What’s the matter, baby?” Piper had her arms around my neck, but I couldn’t look at her. I just sat there, f**king breathing into her chest, trying to delude myself for even a few seconds that it was Tate I was holding.
“Jared. What’s with you? You’ve been acting weird ever since the school year started.” Her whiny-ass f**king voice. Why didn’t people ever know when to shut up?
I ran my hands over my face. “Just get up. I’ll take you home,” I bit out.
“I don’t want to go home. You’ve been ignoring me for a month. Over a month, actually!” She pulled her shirt and sweater back on, but she still wasn’t moving.
I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down the nerves exploding in my stomach.
“You want a ride or not?” I said, pinning her with a look that said ‘take it or leave it.’ Piper knew better than to ask questions. I didn’t tell Madoc shit, and I wasn’t going to start with this girl.
By the time I got home, my mood had gone from bad to worse. After dropping Piper off, I just drove. I needed to listen to some music, clear my head and try to get rid of this ache in my chest.
I wanted to blame Tate. Turn a blind eye like I always did when she was hurting.
But I couldn’t. Not this time.
There wasn’t going to be any running from the truth. No diving into a party or a girl to distract myself.
The truth was…I wish I could go back to that day in the park. Back to the fish pond when I’d first decided that she needed to hurt. I would’ve done it differently.
Instead of pushing her away, I would’ve buried my face in her hair and let her bring me back from wherever I’d gone. She wouldn’t have had to say or do anything. Just fill my world.
But my anger ran deeper than my love for her that day, and right now, I couldn’t face what I’d done. I couldn’t face that she hated me, that my mother barely wanted anything to do with me, and that my father spent every Saturday reminding me of what a loser I was.
Fuck it. Fuck them all.
I walked into my house, slammed the door and threw my keys across the room. The place was as quiet as a church, except for Madman’s paws scurrying across the floor.
He started clawing at my jeans and whimpering for attention.
“Not now, buddy,” I snipped and walked into the kitchen. Madman couldn’t calm me down, and I wanted to hit something. As I yanked open the refrigerator, I noticed that my mother had left a note stuck to the door.
Off for the night. Order a pizza. Love you!
And I slammed the door closed again. Always f**king gone.
I gripped both sides of the refrigerator and pressed my head into the stainless steel. It didn’t matter, I told myself. Everything was okay. I had shitty parents, but who didn’t? I’d pushed Tate away, but there were other girls out there. I had no idea what the f**k I was going to do with my life, but I was only eighteen—or almost eighteen.
Everything. Was. Fine.
I gripped the sides harder, willing myself to believe the lie.
And then I saw myself, alone in a kitchen, and holding a refrigerator. Telling myself that my life was good.
Fuck.
I started pounding the steel doors. Every muscle in my body felt choked as I slammed my palm against the appliance again and again. Madman yelped and scurried away.
All the shit my mom had sitting up on top turned over or shattered to the ground, and I just kept going. Using both hands to slam it time and again against the wall.
Nothing hurt if I knew I had you.
She was f**king with my head. Why couldn’t I just forget her?
I stopped, my shoulders slumped, forcing air in and out of my lungs, but it was never enough. I turned around to head up the stairs. If my mom was gone for the night, then there was no harm in bringing out the Jack. Since she was an alcoholic, I kept that shit hidden. But tonight I needed a way out. I couldn’t stomach the hurt. I couldn’t deal, and I needed to be numb.
On my way up the stairs, I noticed that the front door was open.
Shit.
It must not have latched when I’d slammed it before. And Madman got out, no doubt.
I kicked the door shut. Hard.
Fucking awesome. Even the dog had left.
Once in my room, I went to the stash Madoc and I skimmed from his father and pulled out a bottle.
