Until You
Page 52
“Because you need to go home.” Duh.
“No.” She shook her head, choking back tears and breaking my heart. “Why did you keep everyone away from me?”
“Because you didn’t belong with the rest of us. You still don’t,” I shot back.
She was better.
But apparently, she didn’t like that answer.
Before I could stop her, she’d ducked inside of my car and snatched my keys out of the ignition.
I watched, in confusion, as she rounded her open car door and jogged up the road, near the rocky ditch off to the side.
My keys. What the hell?
My fingers itched to shake her or kiss her.
I approached her slowly, partly annoyed and partly in awe of the fight in her.
She was beautiful. Strands of hair fell across her eyes and small pieces blew around her face from either the wind or her heavy breathing. Seeing the angry passion on her face built me up the same way bullying her had done.
And when I thought of how I could’ve felt all of this by simply being close to her rather than hurting her, I was planted—no, stuck—to the ground by the weight of wasted time.
It sat like a boulder in my stomach.
“What are you doing?” I tried to appear aggravated.
“One more step, and you’re losing one of your keys. Not sure if it’s the car key, but eventually I’ll get to that one.” She cocked her arm behind her head, and I halted.
Fuuuuuck.
“I’m not getting in your car.” Her voice was even and strong. “And I’m not letting you leave. We’re not moving from this spot until you’ve told me the truth.”
The air around me got dense, and I felt like I was in a cave. Walls everywhere.
I couldn’t tell her everything.
I could apologize. I could try to explain.
But I couldn’t tell—
Shit! She raised her arm farther, loading it to toss the first key, and my hand shot out, motioning for her to stop.
A replacement key would be at least two hundred dollars.
My heart beat faster, echoing in my ears.
“Tate, don’t do this.”
“Not the answer I was looking for,” she shot back and flung a key into the woods off the side of the road. I watched, completely helpless, as it disappeared into the thick darkness.
“Dammit, Tate!”
She released another key from the ring and loaded it behind her back, too. “Now, talk. Why do you hate me?”
Jesus. The key was gone. Maybe the one to my car. Maybe just the house key. And f**k me if it was the one to the school.
I shook my head and almost laughed. “Hate you? I never hated you.”
Her eyes narrowed in confusion, and her voice dropped. “Then why? Why did you do all the things you’ve done?”
Why was I so mean? Why did I isolate you? Why did I ruin our friendship? Which horrible f**king shit did she want explained first?
“Freshman year.” I took a deep breath and started. “I overheard Danny Stewart saying he was going to ask you to the Halloween dance. I made sure he never did, because he also told his buddies that he couldn’t wait to find out if your tits were more than a handful each.”
I also gave him a bloody nose that day. He still doesn’t know why.
“I didn’t even think twice about my actions,” I continued as she remained silent. “I spread that rumor about Stevie Stoddard, because you didn’t belong with Danny. He was a dick. They all were.”
“So you thought you were protecting me?” she blurted out, unconvinced. “But why would you do that? You already hated me by that point. That was after you’d returned from your dad’s for the summer.”
“I wasn’t protecting you,” I stated, raising my eyes to meet hers. “I was jealous.”
If I was protecting her, then I wouldn’t have turned around and hurt her myself with that rumor. It wasn’t about keeping her safe. It was about not wanting anyone else to touch her.
I continued, “We got to high school, and all of a sudden, you’ve got all of these guys liking you. I handled it the only way I knew how.”
“By bullying me?” she challenged. “That makes no sense. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“I couldn’t. I can’t.” I couldn’t trust you.
“You’re doing fine so far,” she pressed. “I want to know why all of this started in the first place. Why did you want to hurt me? The pranks, the black-listing from parties? That wasn’t about other guys. What was your problem with me?”
I inhaled deeply, trying to buy myself some time. I couldn’t go there. Not now. Not with her.
I blew out a breath and lied. “Because you were there. Because I couldn’t hurt who I wanted to hurt, so I hurt you.”
Please just leave it at that.
“I was your best friend.” She spoke slowly, making me feel her disgust. “All these years…” Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
“Tate, I had a shitty summer with my dad that year.” I inched closer. “When I came back, I wasn’t the same kid. Not even close. I wanted to hate everybody. But with you, I still needed you in a way. I needed you to not forget me.”
Part of it was about control, and part of it was about my anger, but most of it was about not being able to let her go. I needed to be in her life. I needed her to see me.
“Jared, I’ve turned it over and over in my head wondering what I could’ve done to make you act the way you did. And now you tell me that it was all for no reason?”
“No.” She shook her head, choking back tears and breaking my heart. “Why did you keep everyone away from me?”
“Because you didn’t belong with the rest of us. You still don’t,” I shot back.
She was better.
But apparently, she didn’t like that answer.
Before I could stop her, she’d ducked inside of my car and snatched my keys out of the ignition.
I watched, in confusion, as she rounded her open car door and jogged up the road, near the rocky ditch off to the side.
My keys. What the hell?
My fingers itched to shake her or kiss her.
I approached her slowly, partly annoyed and partly in awe of the fight in her.
She was beautiful. Strands of hair fell across her eyes and small pieces blew around her face from either the wind or her heavy breathing. Seeing the angry passion on her face built me up the same way bullying her had done.
And when I thought of how I could’ve felt all of this by simply being close to her rather than hurting her, I was planted—no, stuck—to the ground by the weight of wasted time.
It sat like a boulder in my stomach.
“What are you doing?” I tried to appear aggravated.
“One more step, and you’re losing one of your keys. Not sure if it’s the car key, but eventually I’ll get to that one.” She cocked her arm behind her head, and I halted.
Fuuuuuck.
“I’m not getting in your car.” Her voice was even and strong. “And I’m not letting you leave. We’re not moving from this spot until you’ve told me the truth.”
The air around me got dense, and I felt like I was in a cave. Walls everywhere.
I couldn’t tell her everything.
I could apologize. I could try to explain.
But I couldn’t tell—
Shit! She raised her arm farther, loading it to toss the first key, and my hand shot out, motioning for her to stop.
A replacement key would be at least two hundred dollars.
My heart beat faster, echoing in my ears.
“Tate, don’t do this.”
“Not the answer I was looking for,” she shot back and flung a key into the woods off the side of the road. I watched, completely helpless, as it disappeared into the thick darkness.
“Dammit, Tate!”
She released another key from the ring and loaded it behind her back, too. “Now, talk. Why do you hate me?”
Jesus. The key was gone. Maybe the one to my car. Maybe just the house key. And f**k me if it was the one to the school.
I shook my head and almost laughed. “Hate you? I never hated you.”
Her eyes narrowed in confusion, and her voice dropped. “Then why? Why did you do all the things you’ve done?”
Why was I so mean? Why did I isolate you? Why did I ruin our friendship? Which horrible f**king shit did she want explained first?
“Freshman year.” I took a deep breath and started. “I overheard Danny Stewart saying he was going to ask you to the Halloween dance. I made sure he never did, because he also told his buddies that he couldn’t wait to find out if your tits were more than a handful each.”
I also gave him a bloody nose that day. He still doesn’t know why.
“I didn’t even think twice about my actions,” I continued as she remained silent. “I spread that rumor about Stevie Stoddard, because you didn’t belong with Danny. He was a dick. They all were.”
“So you thought you were protecting me?” she blurted out, unconvinced. “But why would you do that? You already hated me by that point. That was after you’d returned from your dad’s for the summer.”
“I wasn’t protecting you,” I stated, raising my eyes to meet hers. “I was jealous.”
If I was protecting her, then I wouldn’t have turned around and hurt her myself with that rumor. It wasn’t about keeping her safe. It was about not wanting anyone else to touch her.
I continued, “We got to high school, and all of a sudden, you’ve got all of these guys liking you. I handled it the only way I knew how.”
“By bullying me?” she challenged. “That makes no sense. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“I couldn’t. I can’t.” I couldn’t trust you.
“You’re doing fine so far,” she pressed. “I want to know why all of this started in the first place. Why did you want to hurt me? The pranks, the black-listing from parties? That wasn’t about other guys. What was your problem with me?”
I inhaled deeply, trying to buy myself some time. I couldn’t go there. Not now. Not with her.
I blew out a breath and lied. “Because you were there. Because I couldn’t hurt who I wanted to hurt, so I hurt you.”
Please just leave it at that.
“I was your best friend.” She spoke slowly, making me feel her disgust. “All these years…” Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
“Tate, I had a shitty summer with my dad that year.” I inched closer. “When I came back, I wasn’t the same kid. Not even close. I wanted to hate everybody. But with you, I still needed you in a way. I needed you to not forget me.”
Part of it was about control, and part of it was about my anger, but most of it was about not being able to let her go. I needed to be in her life. I needed her to see me.
“Jared, I’ve turned it over and over in my head wondering what I could’ve done to make you act the way you did. And now you tell me that it was all for no reason?”
