Unwritten
Page 61
He doesn’t see it at all.
It feels like the walls are caving in on me, but there’s a thousand miles between us. Have I been a fool all along? Why is Blake acting like I’m insane for even caring like this?
“You didn’t even call,” I say again, trying to keep it together. “You get this big offer that would split us apart for months, and you didn’t think about running it past me.”
Blake’s face changes into an expression I can’t read. “I’m not going to ask you permission,” he says.
“Not permission!” I protest. “Just a single moment of thought about what it means for us. Anything that makes me think you care about this relationship!”
My head is pounding, but I try to stay calm. “Just put yourself in my place. How would you feel if I turned around and said I got a job in Australia for three months and leave tomorrow?”
Blake shrugs. “I’d be happy for you, if it was what you wanted. We just started dating,” he adds gently. “We’re not married. It’s not like we can’t stand the time apart.”
He means it well, but his words strike clear through my chest.
“We don’t have to be married for this to mean something.” I fight the tears. “I love you, that’s supposed to mean everything. And you said you loved me too!”
“I do.” Blake looks lost. “But I don’t get where this is coming from. This is the job, Zoey,” he says, his face creasing with frustration. “I have to travel whenever, I can’t let anything drag me—”
He stops, but I already know what he was about to say.
“You can’t let anything drag you down,” I finish, chilled to the core.
All the old memories come flooding back. Me adoring him in secret all those years—and him seeing me as nothing but a gawky hanger-on. I thought everything had changed now, but maybe we’re still right back where we started, with me desperately loving him more than he can ever understand.
I stare at him in disbelief. At the man I would do anything for, this beautiful man I thought felt the same way about me. “Is that what you really think of me?” I whisper, shivering.
“No!” Blake takes my hand. “Listen to me, Zoey,” he implores me, his eyes full of their usual charm. “This isn’t a big deal! We’ll be long-distance, you’ll come visit, it will be over before you know it.”
“Until the next movie,” I say slowly, looking down at my hand in his. The strong, capable hands that have brought me so much pleasure and comfort. Laying in his arms just a few nights ago, I felt so connected, felt like there was nothing that could come between us again.
I didn’t realize there was never anything getting in our way before.
Just him.
“You said, this is the job, right?” I pull my hand away. “You taking off all over the world on the next job, and the next. And what am I supposed to do?” I ask, thinking of my mother, and how she molded her life around what my father wanted. “Just follow along after you, wait around on set for you to be finished filming?”
“No,” Blake argues, but I can see his mind racing; he hasn’t thought this through. “You can get a job on the movie too, like you did here,” he suggests. “That way, we wouldn’t have to be apart. You can work production, or be my assistant—”
“Your assistant?” My voice rises. “Is that what you think of me? That I want to fetch you coffee and mail for the rest of my life?”
“No. Zoey. You’re twisting everything all wrong.” Blake sighs. He shifts on the spot, like he can’t wait to get away from this discussion. “Listen, I have to get to work. We’ll talk about this later, when you’ve had a chance to calm down.”
“I am calm.”
“You know what I mean.” Blake gives me a brief kiss on the cheek, and one of his trademark charming grins. “Everything’s going to be OK, I promise.”
But his smiles don’t reassure me, not now. They feel like the surface brush-off he gives someone when he’s run out of patience; a pat on the head to change the subject away from what’s comfortable, what’s real.
Blake turns to leave, but I can’t bring myself to follow.
“You say nothing has to change,” I call after him, my voice trembling with doubt and nerves. “But what happens when your agent calls and says it’s better if you take Selena to a premiere?”
Blake turns back, his arms crossed.
“What about when they all say it’s great promotion for the movie for you both to be seen in public together?” I continue, my chest tight. “So why not catch a drink after filming, or go to dinner, just the two of you. And then maybe someone says, it’s not a good idea to have your girlfriend around the whole time, not when they’re trying to make you a big heartthrob in the press. Girlfriends aren’t sexy, you see,” I add, bitter. “Especially not ordinary girls like me.”
“Is that what you think of me?” Blake shoots back. “That I’d just dump you and move on?”
I slowly shake my head. “Not like that. You’re too kind to ever be cruel on purpose, but…I know you, Blake. You want to be famous, more than anything in the world. You want to be on that red carpet, with the cameras flashing, and everyone looking at you. You want the world to love you,” I add sadly. “And if you had to choose, if it really came down to it, we both know what you’d choose.”
It feels like the walls are caving in on me, but there’s a thousand miles between us. Have I been a fool all along? Why is Blake acting like I’m insane for even caring like this?
“You didn’t even call,” I say again, trying to keep it together. “You get this big offer that would split us apart for months, and you didn’t think about running it past me.”
Blake’s face changes into an expression I can’t read. “I’m not going to ask you permission,” he says.
“Not permission!” I protest. “Just a single moment of thought about what it means for us. Anything that makes me think you care about this relationship!”
My head is pounding, but I try to stay calm. “Just put yourself in my place. How would you feel if I turned around and said I got a job in Australia for three months and leave tomorrow?”
Blake shrugs. “I’d be happy for you, if it was what you wanted. We just started dating,” he adds gently. “We’re not married. It’s not like we can’t stand the time apart.”
He means it well, but his words strike clear through my chest.
“We don’t have to be married for this to mean something.” I fight the tears. “I love you, that’s supposed to mean everything. And you said you loved me too!”
“I do.” Blake looks lost. “But I don’t get where this is coming from. This is the job, Zoey,” he says, his face creasing with frustration. “I have to travel whenever, I can’t let anything drag me—”
He stops, but I already know what he was about to say.
“You can’t let anything drag you down,” I finish, chilled to the core.
All the old memories come flooding back. Me adoring him in secret all those years—and him seeing me as nothing but a gawky hanger-on. I thought everything had changed now, but maybe we’re still right back where we started, with me desperately loving him more than he can ever understand.
I stare at him in disbelief. At the man I would do anything for, this beautiful man I thought felt the same way about me. “Is that what you really think of me?” I whisper, shivering.
“No!” Blake takes my hand. “Listen to me, Zoey,” he implores me, his eyes full of their usual charm. “This isn’t a big deal! We’ll be long-distance, you’ll come visit, it will be over before you know it.”
“Until the next movie,” I say slowly, looking down at my hand in his. The strong, capable hands that have brought me so much pleasure and comfort. Laying in his arms just a few nights ago, I felt so connected, felt like there was nothing that could come between us again.
I didn’t realize there was never anything getting in our way before.
Just him.
“You said, this is the job, right?” I pull my hand away. “You taking off all over the world on the next job, and the next. And what am I supposed to do?” I ask, thinking of my mother, and how she molded her life around what my father wanted. “Just follow along after you, wait around on set for you to be finished filming?”
“No,” Blake argues, but I can see his mind racing; he hasn’t thought this through. “You can get a job on the movie too, like you did here,” he suggests. “That way, we wouldn’t have to be apart. You can work production, or be my assistant—”
“Your assistant?” My voice rises. “Is that what you think of me? That I want to fetch you coffee and mail for the rest of my life?”
“No. Zoey. You’re twisting everything all wrong.” Blake sighs. He shifts on the spot, like he can’t wait to get away from this discussion. “Listen, I have to get to work. We’ll talk about this later, when you’ve had a chance to calm down.”
“I am calm.”
“You know what I mean.” Blake gives me a brief kiss on the cheek, and one of his trademark charming grins. “Everything’s going to be OK, I promise.”
But his smiles don’t reassure me, not now. They feel like the surface brush-off he gives someone when he’s run out of patience; a pat on the head to change the subject away from what’s comfortable, what’s real.
Blake turns to leave, but I can’t bring myself to follow.
“You say nothing has to change,” I call after him, my voice trembling with doubt and nerves. “But what happens when your agent calls and says it’s better if you take Selena to a premiere?”
Blake turns back, his arms crossed.
“What about when they all say it’s great promotion for the movie for you both to be seen in public together?” I continue, my chest tight. “So why not catch a drink after filming, or go to dinner, just the two of you. And then maybe someone says, it’s not a good idea to have your girlfriend around the whole time, not when they’re trying to make you a big heartthrob in the press. Girlfriends aren’t sexy, you see,” I add, bitter. “Especially not ordinary girls like me.”
“Is that what you think of me?” Blake shoots back. “That I’d just dump you and move on?”
I slowly shake my head. “Not like that. You’re too kind to ever be cruel on purpose, but…I know you, Blake. You want to be famous, more than anything in the world. You want to be on that red carpet, with the cameras flashing, and everyone looking at you. You want the world to love you,” I add sadly. “And if you had to choose, if it really came down to it, we both know what you’d choose.”
