Vanish
Page 14
“You promised that?” His voice lashes me. “To who? Cassian? I’m not surprised he wanted to make sure I never come near you again.”
I want to deny that, want to say that Cassian wants Will gone simply because it’s the right thing. The safe thing. It’s not about jealousy or possession.
Closing my eyes in an agonized blink, I say nothing. A short time ago, Cassian was holding me like Will holds me now. I let him hold me. Kiss me.
With a choked sound, I pull away from Will, feeling like a traitor. Even if it was the loneliness, my own vulnerability that drove me into Cassian’s arms . . . I liked it.
Will pulls me back. “What do you want? You want me to leave and never come back?”
I go unresisting into his arms. I’m too weak. I’ve missed him too much. I thought I could put him behind me, find a future within the pride and while that prospect killed a part of me, this, right now, might be worse. Holding him, smelling his familiar scent, having him for a short time and then saying good-bye all over again. It’s a dive right back into hell.
I peer through the dark, feast on what I can see of his face. The aching beauty of him. The deeply set eyes beneath dark brows. The hair that constantly rebels, falling over his forehead, begging for my hand to brush it back. His mouth, his lips.
I commit it all to memory, determined to imprint him on my soul for those quiet moments alone, in the dark, when I can reflect.
His fingers flex on my arms. “So you’re giving up on us, Jacinda?”
I search his face in the shadows. “It’s dangerous. Not just for us. For others, too. Countless lives.”
His hands slide up my arms to my face and it’s too much. His broad palms. His strong fingers so tender as they hold me. My eyes burn. I blink them fiercely in an attempt to dry them.
“Where’s your faith?” His thumbs gently press into my cheeks. “We can figure out a way.”
I shake my head. “You don’t know what it’s been like.”
“Did they hurt you?” His voice takes on an edge, and his hands tighten slightly. “When you came back, did they—”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’m fine. Not that I don’t deserve punishment. Will, I revealed myself to hunters.”
“Let’s make it just you and me then. No pride. No hunters. We don’t have to risk anyone else.”
“What are you saying?”
“Run away with me.”
Chapter 12
For a moment, as I absorb what he’s saying, I let hope weave its way into my pounding heart. Me. Will. And nothing else. “How? Where would we go?”
“Anywhere.”
I deflate inside. I thought he might have an actual plan. Thought there might be a chance. “It’s just a dream, Will.” I stroke his cheek. “A beautiful dream.”
He jerks from my touch as if unwilling to take my comfort if it comes with a rejection. “It doesn’t have to be. It can be real, Jacinda. Come with me. Make it real.”
Frustration rises in me at being fed such an impossible hope. “How?” I demand. “Where would we go? How would we live?”
“My grandmother. She would help us, put us up for a little while.”
I blink. “Your grandmother?” This is the first I’ve heard of a grandmother, but then Will and I still didn’t know a lot of things about each other. We know the big things. The secrets. The little stuff sort of got lost within all of that, and my heart aches for all the small things waiting to be discovered if we could just be together. If we just had the time, the chance . . . if we just led normal and uncomplicated lives.
“We wouldn’t stay with her forever. My dad would eventually guess where I went and come after me, but she would give us some money to get started on our own—”
I shake my head, still trying to wrap my thoughts around what he’s saying. “Why would your grandmother help us and not tell your dad?”
“She’s my mom’s mother and not exactly a fan of my dad. After Mom died, Dad never let her see me. He said she was too nosy. And when I was sick . . .” His features tighten. “Well, he wouldn’t let her come around.”
I hear what he’s not saying. Will’s dad didn’t want his mother-in-law hanging around while he was infusing Will with draki blood.
A pang fills me, thinking how Will must have needed her growing up, a connection to the mother he lost. And then when he became sick, all he had was his dad, who isn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy guy. I picture Will’s young boy’s face, and something cracks loose inside me.
That loneliness within him speaks to me, finds the place inside me that mirrors his wounds.
“She’s not too far—in Big Sur.”
“I can’t,” I say, but the words stick, taste awful in my mouth.
“You mean you won’t,” he accuses. “Is it Cassian? Have you two . . .”
“No,” I snap. “It’s not like that, Will. He’s been a good friend to me when so few are right now.”
“A friend. Right. I’m sure that’s all he wants from you.”
“Well, that’s all I want.” My face burns as I recall the kiss. A kiss that was a momentary lapse on my part, a betrayal to everyone, really. Will. Tamra. Even Cassian. Even me.
He drops his face until our foreheads touch. “So you don’t want Cassian . . . and you still want me to just disappear from your life?” he whispers.
This time I can only nod against him. It hurts too much to utter the lie. Being with him—right now—is the most alive I’ve felt since returning here. Since I fooled myself into thinking I could ever forget him.
As if he senses me weakening, he slides his hands farther along my cheeks, fingers delving deeply into my hair, playing softly with the waves. “Are you ready to give up on us? You really want me to walk down that mountain and never come back? To forget about you?”
At the stark rasp of his voice, at the scenario his words paint, I tremble. No. No, I don’t want that. But it has to be that way. . . .
“Tell me, Jacinda. Tell me that and I’ll go. Is that what you want? To never see me again?”
A sob chokes in my throat, betrays my resolve. “No. No.”
Then he’s kissing me. Deep and hungry. His hands bury in my hair.
His lips feel cool, a shock against the perpetual heat of my own. The scald simmers at my core, and I hold myself utterly still. Sensations overwhelm me. He wakens everything in me I’ve been trying so hard to suppress, and I respond, kissing back with equal fervor, an animal starved. For him.
Sudden conviction races through me, almost terrifying in its total certainty.
I can’t give him up.
He’s the other part of me. He gets what it feels like to be separate from everything and everyone, to reject the path others lay out for you. We’re the same. Two sides to the same coin.
He comes up for air long enough to whisper against my ear. “We’ll figure out a way. . . .” A shudder racks me. He kisses me there, and I’m clinging to him then, fire bursting inside my chest, catching in my throat. He wraps one arm around me to hold me up and stop me from falling.
Colors race, spots dancing before me in the dark as I’m swept away on the tide of him—lost to the magic of his mouth and hands on me.
“Tamra,” I gasp, thinking of my sister, of our newfound closeness, “I don’t know if I can leave her.”
Then something inside me turns, lifts like the flip of a lock. Tamra doesn’t need me. She has a place among the pride. She has Cassian. And maybe if I left, Cassian would finally see what he has in her. Maybe I need to go so they can have their chance.
Mom, however, is a different situation. True, she’d be glad for me to escape the pride. She might even want to leave with me. But could I do that? Make her choose between me and Tamra? Or am I just afraid to find out she won’t pick me?
“Jacinda.” Will sighs warmly against my cheek as if he can read my thoughts. “Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking. . . .”
For now. He didn’t say it, but I hear it. He isn’t going to give up on me. He wants us to be together. No matter how I may try to push him away.
Elation burns through me. I revel in it and nod slowly. “I need some time.”
“Let’s meet again. Two weeks.”
My breath catches. Two weeks. So long. And then I remember that it takes serious maneuvering for him to travel here. It can’t be easy for him to disappear from his family without alerting them to what he’s doing.
Still, the fact that Will is leaving me again sinks down on me heavily. Two weeks feels like a lifetime. I swallow thickly, cling tighter to his shirt, pulling it from his warm chest.
He glances around us at the murky little glade where we stand. “Same spot, okay?”
It’s a solution. For now. No decision needed yet, but the promise of seeing Will again is there. I’ll have this again—his hands on my face, the taste of him on my lips.
It’s enough. Enough to keep me going for two more weeks.
“Okay,” I agree shakily, not wanting to reveal just how much I don’t want him to go. He’ll see that I’m weak and try to persuade me to go with him this very instant. And I can’t do that as much as it tempts me.
“We’re all set then.” I hear the confidence in his voice. He thinks the next time I meet him here it will be to run away with him.
And maybe it will.
“Noon,” I say. It will be riskier sneaking away during the day, but at least then I’ll see the flash of his eyes shift from gold to green to brown. I’ll see the burnished brown of his hair. I long for that.
“I’ll be here.”
“Me too.” Somehow. Nothing could keep me away. And maybe that’s my answer to the decision I’ll eventually have to make.
If I can’t stand to live without him, what choice is there?
Chapter 13
I crouch just outside the township, hiding in tall summer grass and gathering my nerve as I stare at the lone shape standing sentry at the entrance. Cassian had distracted him earlier so that I could slip past.
I gnaw on the edge of my thumb, thinking about what Cassian had said about getting back into the township. It won’t be a problem. The guard won’t want the pride to know that he let you sneak past him earlier.
Hoping he’s right about that, I stand and walk with sure strides toward the arched entry. If not a hundred percent confident then I at least do a good job faking it.
“Hey, Levin,” I say, my voice easy and casual. “What’s up?”
Levin jerks up straight at the sound of my voice, his vibrant aqua-blue eyes widening. “Jacinda! What are you—” His bright gaze swings behind him guiltily, as if Severin himself were there to witness his failure. In a much lower voice, he sputters, “What are you doing outside the walls?”
I push my hands deeper into my jeans pockets. “Just taking a walk.” I rock on the balls of my feet. “Like you were doing earlier. Right? When you were supposed to be standing guard.”
Even in the dark, with the wet mist swirling around us in teasing tendrils, I make out the ruddy flush to his features. “Um, yeah.”
“Look. It’s no big deal.” I shrug. “I mean, I’m not going to say anything. . . .” I let my voice fade, the implication clear.
“Yeah,” he says quickly. “Me either. Go.” He motions behind him. “Go on.”
Smiling, I walk past him. “Thanks.”
Near Nidia’s house, I hesitate, the smile slipping from my mouth. The windows are lightless. Nidia and Tamra are both probably exhausted, passed out after their shading efforts on Will today.
I glance to the sky, imagine my sister as I saw her, cutting through the solid night, euphoric at what’s still so new and wondrous to her.
I want to deny that, want to say that Cassian wants Will gone simply because it’s the right thing. The safe thing. It’s not about jealousy or possession.
Closing my eyes in an agonized blink, I say nothing. A short time ago, Cassian was holding me like Will holds me now. I let him hold me. Kiss me.
With a choked sound, I pull away from Will, feeling like a traitor. Even if it was the loneliness, my own vulnerability that drove me into Cassian’s arms . . . I liked it.
Will pulls me back. “What do you want? You want me to leave and never come back?”
I go unresisting into his arms. I’m too weak. I’ve missed him too much. I thought I could put him behind me, find a future within the pride and while that prospect killed a part of me, this, right now, might be worse. Holding him, smelling his familiar scent, having him for a short time and then saying good-bye all over again. It’s a dive right back into hell.
I peer through the dark, feast on what I can see of his face. The aching beauty of him. The deeply set eyes beneath dark brows. The hair that constantly rebels, falling over his forehead, begging for my hand to brush it back. His mouth, his lips.
I commit it all to memory, determined to imprint him on my soul for those quiet moments alone, in the dark, when I can reflect.
His fingers flex on my arms. “So you’re giving up on us, Jacinda?”
I search his face in the shadows. “It’s dangerous. Not just for us. For others, too. Countless lives.”
His hands slide up my arms to my face and it’s too much. His broad palms. His strong fingers so tender as they hold me. My eyes burn. I blink them fiercely in an attempt to dry them.
“Where’s your faith?” His thumbs gently press into my cheeks. “We can figure out a way.”
I shake my head. “You don’t know what it’s been like.”
“Did they hurt you?” His voice takes on an edge, and his hands tighten slightly. “When you came back, did they—”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’m fine. Not that I don’t deserve punishment. Will, I revealed myself to hunters.”
“Let’s make it just you and me then. No pride. No hunters. We don’t have to risk anyone else.”
“What are you saying?”
“Run away with me.”
Chapter 12
For a moment, as I absorb what he’s saying, I let hope weave its way into my pounding heart. Me. Will. And nothing else. “How? Where would we go?”
“Anywhere.”
I deflate inside. I thought he might have an actual plan. Thought there might be a chance. “It’s just a dream, Will.” I stroke his cheek. “A beautiful dream.”
He jerks from my touch as if unwilling to take my comfort if it comes with a rejection. “It doesn’t have to be. It can be real, Jacinda. Come with me. Make it real.”
Frustration rises in me at being fed such an impossible hope. “How?” I demand. “Where would we go? How would we live?”
“My grandmother. She would help us, put us up for a little while.”
I blink. “Your grandmother?” This is the first I’ve heard of a grandmother, but then Will and I still didn’t know a lot of things about each other. We know the big things. The secrets. The little stuff sort of got lost within all of that, and my heart aches for all the small things waiting to be discovered if we could just be together. If we just had the time, the chance . . . if we just led normal and uncomplicated lives.
“We wouldn’t stay with her forever. My dad would eventually guess where I went and come after me, but she would give us some money to get started on our own—”
I shake my head, still trying to wrap my thoughts around what he’s saying. “Why would your grandmother help us and not tell your dad?”
“She’s my mom’s mother and not exactly a fan of my dad. After Mom died, Dad never let her see me. He said she was too nosy. And when I was sick . . .” His features tighten. “Well, he wouldn’t let her come around.”
I hear what he’s not saying. Will’s dad didn’t want his mother-in-law hanging around while he was infusing Will with draki blood.
A pang fills me, thinking how Will must have needed her growing up, a connection to the mother he lost. And then when he became sick, all he had was his dad, who isn’t exactly a warm and fuzzy guy. I picture Will’s young boy’s face, and something cracks loose inside me.
That loneliness within him speaks to me, finds the place inside me that mirrors his wounds.
“She’s not too far—in Big Sur.”
“I can’t,” I say, but the words stick, taste awful in my mouth.
“You mean you won’t,” he accuses. “Is it Cassian? Have you two . . .”
“No,” I snap. “It’s not like that, Will. He’s been a good friend to me when so few are right now.”
“A friend. Right. I’m sure that’s all he wants from you.”
“Well, that’s all I want.” My face burns as I recall the kiss. A kiss that was a momentary lapse on my part, a betrayal to everyone, really. Will. Tamra. Even Cassian. Even me.
He drops his face until our foreheads touch. “So you don’t want Cassian . . . and you still want me to just disappear from your life?” he whispers.
This time I can only nod against him. It hurts too much to utter the lie. Being with him—right now—is the most alive I’ve felt since returning here. Since I fooled myself into thinking I could ever forget him.
As if he senses me weakening, he slides his hands farther along my cheeks, fingers delving deeply into my hair, playing softly with the waves. “Are you ready to give up on us? You really want me to walk down that mountain and never come back? To forget about you?”
At the stark rasp of his voice, at the scenario his words paint, I tremble. No. No, I don’t want that. But it has to be that way. . . .
“Tell me, Jacinda. Tell me that and I’ll go. Is that what you want? To never see me again?”
A sob chokes in my throat, betrays my resolve. “No. No.”
Then he’s kissing me. Deep and hungry. His hands bury in my hair.
His lips feel cool, a shock against the perpetual heat of my own. The scald simmers at my core, and I hold myself utterly still. Sensations overwhelm me. He wakens everything in me I’ve been trying so hard to suppress, and I respond, kissing back with equal fervor, an animal starved. For him.
Sudden conviction races through me, almost terrifying in its total certainty.
I can’t give him up.
He’s the other part of me. He gets what it feels like to be separate from everything and everyone, to reject the path others lay out for you. We’re the same. Two sides to the same coin.
He comes up for air long enough to whisper against my ear. “We’ll figure out a way. . . .” A shudder racks me. He kisses me there, and I’m clinging to him then, fire bursting inside my chest, catching in my throat. He wraps one arm around me to hold me up and stop me from falling.
Colors race, spots dancing before me in the dark as I’m swept away on the tide of him—lost to the magic of his mouth and hands on me.
“Tamra,” I gasp, thinking of my sister, of our newfound closeness, “I don’t know if I can leave her.”
Then something inside me turns, lifts like the flip of a lock. Tamra doesn’t need me. She has a place among the pride. She has Cassian. And maybe if I left, Cassian would finally see what he has in her. Maybe I need to go so they can have their chance.
Mom, however, is a different situation. True, she’d be glad for me to escape the pride. She might even want to leave with me. But could I do that? Make her choose between me and Tamra? Or am I just afraid to find out she won’t pick me?
“Jacinda.” Will sighs warmly against my cheek as if he can read my thoughts. “Just think about it. That’s all I’m asking. . . .”
For now. He didn’t say it, but I hear it. He isn’t going to give up on me. He wants us to be together. No matter how I may try to push him away.
Elation burns through me. I revel in it and nod slowly. “I need some time.”
“Let’s meet again. Two weeks.”
My breath catches. Two weeks. So long. And then I remember that it takes serious maneuvering for him to travel here. It can’t be easy for him to disappear from his family without alerting them to what he’s doing.
Still, the fact that Will is leaving me again sinks down on me heavily. Two weeks feels like a lifetime. I swallow thickly, cling tighter to his shirt, pulling it from his warm chest.
He glances around us at the murky little glade where we stand. “Same spot, okay?”
It’s a solution. For now. No decision needed yet, but the promise of seeing Will again is there. I’ll have this again—his hands on my face, the taste of him on my lips.
It’s enough. Enough to keep me going for two more weeks.
“Okay,” I agree shakily, not wanting to reveal just how much I don’t want him to go. He’ll see that I’m weak and try to persuade me to go with him this very instant. And I can’t do that as much as it tempts me.
“We’re all set then.” I hear the confidence in his voice. He thinks the next time I meet him here it will be to run away with him.
And maybe it will.
“Noon,” I say. It will be riskier sneaking away during the day, but at least then I’ll see the flash of his eyes shift from gold to green to brown. I’ll see the burnished brown of his hair. I long for that.
“I’ll be here.”
“Me too.” Somehow. Nothing could keep me away. And maybe that’s my answer to the decision I’ll eventually have to make.
If I can’t stand to live without him, what choice is there?
Chapter 13
I crouch just outside the township, hiding in tall summer grass and gathering my nerve as I stare at the lone shape standing sentry at the entrance. Cassian had distracted him earlier so that I could slip past.
I gnaw on the edge of my thumb, thinking about what Cassian had said about getting back into the township. It won’t be a problem. The guard won’t want the pride to know that he let you sneak past him earlier.
Hoping he’s right about that, I stand and walk with sure strides toward the arched entry. If not a hundred percent confident then I at least do a good job faking it.
“Hey, Levin,” I say, my voice easy and casual. “What’s up?”
Levin jerks up straight at the sound of my voice, his vibrant aqua-blue eyes widening. “Jacinda! What are you—” His bright gaze swings behind him guiltily, as if Severin himself were there to witness his failure. In a much lower voice, he sputters, “What are you doing outside the walls?”
I push my hands deeper into my jeans pockets. “Just taking a walk.” I rock on the balls of my feet. “Like you were doing earlier. Right? When you were supposed to be standing guard.”
Even in the dark, with the wet mist swirling around us in teasing tendrils, I make out the ruddy flush to his features. “Um, yeah.”
“Look. It’s no big deal.” I shrug. “I mean, I’m not going to say anything. . . .” I let my voice fade, the implication clear.
“Yeah,” he says quickly. “Me either. Go.” He motions behind him. “Go on.”
Smiling, I walk past him. “Thanks.”
Near Nidia’s house, I hesitate, the smile slipping from my mouth. The windows are lightless. Nidia and Tamra are both probably exhausted, passed out after their shading efforts on Will today.
I glance to the sky, imagine my sister as I saw her, cutting through the solid night, euphoric at what’s still so new and wondrous to her.
