Vanish
Page 4
“It’s going to be okay, Jacinda.”
I angle my head. “So I won’t be punished?”
“I convinced them that you wanted to return. I told them you’re eager to fall back into pride life. That you’ll behave yourself and be more compliant.” His top lip curls faintly, and I remember what he told me back in Chaparral when he found me, that he liked me because I was different from everyone else here. Now he wants me to be the same.
I inhale sharply through my nose. Compliant. Submissive. Meek. Biddable. Do I even have it in me?
“Compliant? Jacinda?” Az giggles, unaware of the tension. “They bought that?”
Cassian flicks her a hard glance, then looks back to me. Waiting. What? Does he expect to hear my agreement?
“Oh.” Az sobers, looking between our two serious expressions. “Well, of course. I’m sure Jacinda will be more . . . I mean, I’m sure she realizes she belongs here. Your dad has to see that. Why would she want to stay out there—in a world she can never fit in?”
At my silence, Az swings me a questioning look. I wish I could explain to her that I might have found a reason to live out there among humans. It will take some convincing for Az to understand how I could have fallen for Will, and for whatever reason, I don’t want to talk about it in front of Cassian.
The way Cassian’s nostrils flare, it’s not far from his thoughts anyway. Beneath the swarthy skin of his face, charcoal flashes—like a creature swimming beneath the water’s surface. A beast I must placate.
I’m reminded of his animal strength, of his large frame colliding with Will on top of Big Rock. The unchecked violence as the two rolled in a twisting, tangled pile off the edge of that cliff—I shiver and press a hand to my stomach, a little sick at the memory. They wanted to kill each other. They almost did.
“You’ll stay here with your mom,” Cassian announces when it becomes clear I’m not going to give him the agreement he seeks to be a meek and compliant little draki. It’s not that I don’t want to say the words. I’m simply afraid of promising something I can’t do. “You can start attending school again. And work. School, work, and home. Your sister will stay with Nidia.”
This gives me a start. I didn’t think the separation would be permanent. I can’t remember a time when Tam and I ever slept more than one room apart from each other. As much as this disturbs me, I guess it makes sense. Nidia will take care of Tamra. Give her the support and guidance she needs right now. Everything that Mom and I can’t give her.
I tell myself that’s all that’s happening. The pride isn’t trying to separate us.
“Tamra, a shader.” Az shakes her head, marveling. “Wait until I tell everyone. This is awesome.” My friend squeezes my arm with happy enthusiasm. “Hey, I gotta go.”
She hops from my bed, evidently eager to start spreading the news that our pride’s future is assured. That we have a new shader who can take Nidia’s place someday.
As long as Tamra doesn’t mind being bound to the pride for the rest of her life. And why should she? Once she has time to deal with the change, she’s going to realize she’s no longer invisible among the pride—and that she has a shot with Cassian.
Leaping through the door, Az calls over her shoulder, “Be back later.”
And I’m alone with Cassian, after all. Thanks, Az.
Chapter 4
We haven’t been alone since Chaparral. On the journey here, the four of us trapped in the tight confines of the car, we hardly ever spoke, stopping only for gas, the restroom, and the chance to grab some food. But now it’s just the two of us.
I can only stare at him, dreading the torrent of admonitions I’m convinced he’ll heap upon me. For the obvious reasons: Exposing myself to our greatest enemy. Loving one of those enemies. And even worse, for still loving Will after seeing his blood. How can I explain to Cassian that Will’s not the bad guy? He’s just a victim of birth. The blood transfusions forced on him when he was sick. But then does it really matter that I explain anything? I’m not going to see him again.
In the silence I can hear the muffled voices of our parents. The tone is heated.
“What did you tell your father?” I slide off my bed, suddenly aware that I’m on my bed . . . that he’s so close, looming right above me. He doesn’t move, and I have to brush past him to get to the overstuffed sofa chair near the window.
“You mean did I tell them that you revealed yourself to humans?” His gaze cuts into me. “To hunters?”
I fight back my cringe. It sounds even more awful when he says it. I wish I could deny it.
“Yeah. That.” Settling into the chair near my window, I try to act casual, unbothered at this reminder, unbothered about everything. Especially him. Here in my bedroom, staring at me in that consuming, searing way that makes my lungs pull and contract. “Did you tell your father about that?”
That I did the one thing that could ruin us all. Not just the pride but our entire species.
His gaze sweeps me, missing nothing. Not the tangled mess of my hair trailing over my shoulders. Not my bare feet, peeking out beneath my folded legs. If he told them what happened, if he told them everything, how could they not punish me? Even a part of me believes I deserve it. I betrayed my kind.
Not that I would change anything I did even if I could. I know this much. It’s a strange realization. Feeling guilty does not mean I regret anything. Stronger than any guilt I feel is the pain in my heart at losing Will. I can’t imagine what that pain would be like if I hadn’t saved him. If he’d actually died out there in the desert.
Finally, Cassian answers me. “I couldn’t keep it from them, Jacinda. Not that. It affects all of us.”
I sink down a little in the cushions. Almost like I’m disappointed in him. I don’t know why. Despite our past friendship, I expect no loyalty from him. The pride is first and foremost with Cassian. Still, Tamra shaded the hunters. They won’t remember. Couldn’t he have kept it a secret? Would it have been such a bad thing to do?
Bleakness washes over me, slides through me like ice water. I had almost believed that he cared about me, that he would protect me. Like he promised. Instead, he threw me to the wolves.
“I had to tell them you revealed yourself to hunters, but I didn’t tell them everything. I didn’t tell them about him.”
I stare coolly; say the word he cannot bring himself to utter. “You mean Will?”
Something passes over his face. For a second his pupils shudder, shrink, flash to the barest slits. Then nothing. He’s the ever-stoic Cassian again. “Yeah. I didn’t tell them about the blood.”
That injects me with a shot of helpless shame. Will’s blood. The blood that’s the same color as mine. I nod.
“They would hunt him down if they knew. I guess I owe you for that.”
“You’re not in love with him,” he says so suddenly and with such force that I jerk. “You don’t even know him. He doesn’t know you. Not like I do.” His chest rises and falls with serrated breaths.
I say nothing in the awkward silence that follows. Tension swirls around us, as dense as Nidia’s mists pressing at my window. I stare down at my hands, noticing the tiny half moons my nails dug without my even knowing.
He releases a heavy sigh. “Look at me, Jacinda. Say something.”
I force my gaze back on him. Does he expect me to agree that I don’t love Will? Determined not to discuss my feelings for Will, I say, “Tamra shaded them. Why did you have to tell them anything? They look at me like I’m a criminal.” I wave an arm. “I’m practically under house arrest! They’re never going to forgive me.”
“I had to tell them. What if any of those hunters ever remember? Tamra doesn’t know how to use her powers yet. What if it doesn’t last? What if she didn’t shade them enough?”
I nod, the motion somehow painful, nearly as painful as the tightness in my chest. “I understand. It’s fine.”
“Clearly, it’s not fine. You’re upset.”
I press a hand to my chest. “And wouldn’t you be, Cassian? I’m going to be treated like a traitor for the rest of my life.”
He shakes his head slowly, a muscle feathering the flesh of his clenched jaw. “They’ll forget and forgive. Eventually.”
“You can’t know that.”
He’d said he would try to do everything he could to keep me safe, but even I know he’s not in total control here.
“The fact that Tamra’s here, that she’s a shader, has greatly appeased them. That you’re both back has.”
Even after he told them what I did? I stare at him doubtfully, afraid to drop my guard. “So I’m not in trouble?”
“I didn’t say that.” Something loosens in his face as he says this. A hint of a smile plays on his mouth. “You did reveal yourself to a human, Jacinda. And his family of hunters.”
And for that, I must pay. I nod, accepting it.
“You’ve got a lot to make up for,” he adds, fully serious again.
“And if I can’t?” I’m not sure I have it in me to prove myself to anyone anymore. Right now, the thought of never seeing Will again tears through me and makes me feel bruised and tired. Even though a part of me is relieved to be back in the pride, I’m not exactly in the best condition to properly suck up to anyone.
“Then things will be hard for you. Harder than they have to be. And your mother . . .” His voice fades, but the threat hangs.
My eyes narrow, skin tightening and prickling. “What about my mother?”
He glances over his shoulder as if he could see her wherever she stands in the house. “There’s no love for her. They blame her for taking you and Tamra. There’s talk of banishment—”
I inhale sharply. “That’s not fair. I’m the one—”
“She took you away. You didn’t leave on your own. Come on, Jacinda. Would any of this have happened without your mother hauling you off to some desert?”
I swallow thickly and look back out the window. I hate that I can’t argue this point with him. Hate that I see his logic, as cruel as it is.
“None of us is an island. Think about that. The actions of one affect all.”
I guess this is how I’m not like the rest of them. Why I’m the one who has endangered us all.
I lightly brush my mouth, speaking through my fingers. “Don’t you get sick of it? Don’t you ever want what you want? Don’t you think you deserve that once in a while? Why must you put the pride first above everything? Above the life of one? Do you ever draw a line? You can rationalize the sacrifice of one, but what about when it’s two? Three? When do you say enough?” I shake my head.
Cassian stares at me. “It’s the way we are. It’s how we’ve survived this long. The fact that you even question it when no one else does—” He cocks his head to the side. “But then maybe that’s what makes you so special. Why I’m even here talking to you. Why I care at all.”
I swallow against the tightness in my throat and hold his stare. “So you”—I struggle for the right word, a word that won’t make my face heat unbearably, and settle on—“you like me because I’m the kind of person that puts us all in jeopardy?”
That rare smile plays about his lips again. “You’re not dull, that’s for sure.”
“Cassian.”
My nerves snap tight as Severin himself steps inside the room beside Cassian. The two of them . . . in my room. Not something I ever envisioned. Cassian is one thing. Severin, another.
Mom hangs back behind Severin, her face hard with defiance. I guess whatever they discussed did not sit well with her.
I angle my head. “So I won’t be punished?”
“I convinced them that you wanted to return. I told them you’re eager to fall back into pride life. That you’ll behave yourself and be more compliant.” His top lip curls faintly, and I remember what he told me back in Chaparral when he found me, that he liked me because I was different from everyone else here. Now he wants me to be the same.
I inhale sharply through my nose. Compliant. Submissive. Meek. Biddable. Do I even have it in me?
“Compliant? Jacinda?” Az giggles, unaware of the tension. “They bought that?”
Cassian flicks her a hard glance, then looks back to me. Waiting. What? Does he expect to hear my agreement?
“Oh.” Az sobers, looking between our two serious expressions. “Well, of course. I’m sure Jacinda will be more . . . I mean, I’m sure she realizes she belongs here. Your dad has to see that. Why would she want to stay out there—in a world she can never fit in?”
At my silence, Az swings me a questioning look. I wish I could explain to her that I might have found a reason to live out there among humans. It will take some convincing for Az to understand how I could have fallen for Will, and for whatever reason, I don’t want to talk about it in front of Cassian.
The way Cassian’s nostrils flare, it’s not far from his thoughts anyway. Beneath the swarthy skin of his face, charcoal flashes—like a creature swimming beneath the water’s surface. A beast I must placate.
I’m reminded of his animal strength, of his large frame colliding with Will on top of Big Rock. The unchecked violence as the two rolled in a twisting, tangled pile off the edge of that cliff—I shiver and press a hand to my stomach, a little sick at the memory. They wanted to kill each other. They almost did.
“You’ll stay here with your mom,” Cassian announces when it becomes clear I’m not going to give him the agreement he seeks to be a meek and compliant little draki. It’s not that I don’t want to say the words. I’m simply afraid of promising something I can’t do. “You can start attending school again. And work. School, work, and home. Your sister will stay with Nidia.”
This gives me a start. I didn’t think the separation would be permanent. I can’t remember a time when Tam and I ever slept more than one room apart from each other. As much as this disturbs me, I guess it makes sense. Nidia will take care of Tamra. Give her the support and guidance she needs right now. Everything that Mom and I can’t give her.
I tell myself that’s all that’s happening. The pride isn’t trying to separate us.
“Tamra, a shader.” Az shakes her head, marveling. “Wait until I tell everyone. This is awesome.” My friend squeezes my arm with happy enthusiasm. “Hey, I gotta go.”
She hops from my bed, evidently eager to start spreading the news that our pride’s future is assured. That we have a new shader who can take Nidia’s place someday.
As long as Tamra doesn’t mind being bound to the pride for the rest of her life. And why should she? Once she has time to deal with the change, she’s going to realize she’s no longer invisible among the pride—and that she has a shot with Cassian.
Leaping through the door, Az calls over her shoulder, “Be back later.”
And I’m alone with Cassian, after all. Thanks, Az.
Chapter 4
We haven’t been alone since Chaparral. On the journey here, the four of us trapped in the tight confines of the car, we hardly ever spoke, stopping only for gas, the restroom, and the chance to grab some food. But now it’s just the two of us.
I can only stare at him, dreading the torrent of admonitions I’m convinced he’ll heap upon me. For the obvious reasons: Exposing myself to our greatest enemy. Loving one of those enemies. And even worse, for still loving Will after seeing his blood. How can I explain to Cassian that Will’s not the bad guy? He’s just a victim of birth. The blood transfusions forced on him when he was sick. But then does it really matter that I explain anything? I’m not going to see him again.
In the silence I can hear the muffled voices of our parents. The tone is heated.
“What did you tell your father?” I slide off my bed, suddenly aware that I’m on my bed . . . that he’s so close, looming right above me. He doesn’t move, and I have to brush past him to get to the overstuffed sofa chair near the window.
“You mean did I tell them that you revealed yourself to humans?” His gaze cuts into me. “To hunters?”
I fight back my cringe. It sounds even more awful when he says it. I wish I could deny it.
“Yeah. That.” Settling into the chair near my window, I try to act casual, unbothered at this reminder, unbothered about everything. Especially him. Here in my bedroom, staring at me in that consuming, searing way that makes my lungs pull and contract. “Did you tell your father about that?”
That I did the one thing that could ruin us all. Not just the pride but our entire species.
His gaze sweeps me, missing nothing. Not the tangled mess of my hair trailing over my shoulders. Not my bare feet, peeking out beneath my folded legs. If he told them what happened, if he told them everything, how could they not punish me? Even a part of me believes I deserve it. I betrayed my kind.
Not that I would change anything I did even if I could. I know this much. It’s a strange realization. Feeling guilty does not mean I regret anything. Stronger than any guilt I feel is the pain in my heart at losing Will. I can’t imagine what that pain would be like if I hadn’t saved him. If he’d actually died out there in the desert.
Finally, Cassian answers me. “I couldn’t keep it from them, Jacinda. Not that. It affects all of us.”
I sink down a little in the cushions. Almost like I’m disappointed in him. I don’t know why. Despite our past friendship, I expect no loyalty from him. The pride is first and foremost with Cassian. Still, Tamra shaded the hunters. They won’t remember. Couldn’t he have kept it a secret? Would it have been such a bad thing to do?
Bleakness washes over me, slides through me like ice water. I had almost believed that he cared about me, that he would protect me. Like he promised. Instead, he threw me to the wolves.
“I had to tell them you revealed yourself to hunters, but I didn’t tell them everything. I didn’t tell them about him.”
I stare coolly; say the word he cannot bring himself to utter. “You mean Will?”
Something passes over his face. For a second his pupils shudder, shrink, flash to the barest slits. Then nothing. He’s the ever-stoic Cassian again. “Yeah. I didn’t tell them about the blood.”
That injects me with a shot of helpless shame. Will’s blood. The blood that’s the same color as mine. I nod.
“They would hunt him down if they knew. I guess I owe you for that.”
“You’re not in love with him,” he says so suddenly and with such force that I jerk. “You don’t even know him. He doesn’t know you. Not like I do.” His chest rises and falls with serrated breaths.
I say nothing in the awkward silence that follows. Tension swirls around us, as dense as Nidia’s mists pressing at my window. I stare down at my hands, noticing the tiny half moons my nails dug without my even knowing.
He releases a heavy sigh. “Look at me, Jacinda. Say something.”
I force my gaze back on him. Does he expect me to agree that I don’t love Will? Determined not to discuss my feelings for Will, I say, “Tamra shaded them. Why did you have to tell them anything? They look at me like I’m a criminal.” I wave an arm. “I’m practically under house arrest! They’re never going to forgive me.”
“I had to tell them. What if any of those hunters ever remember? Tamra doesn’t know how to use her powers yet. What if it doesn’t last? What if she didn’t shade them enough?”
I nod, the motion somehow painful, nearly as painful as the tightness in my chest. “I understand. It’s fine.”
“Clearly, it’s not fine. You’re upset.”
I press a hand to my chest. “And wouldn’t you be, Cassian? I’m going to be treated like a traitor for the rest of my life.”
He shakes his head slowly, a muscle feathering the flesh of his clenched jaw. “They’ll forget and forgive. Eventually.”
“You can’t know that.”
He’d said he would try to do everything he could to keep me safe, but even I know he’s not in total control here.
“The fact that Tamra’s here, that she’s a shader, has greatly appeased them. That you’re both back has.”
Even after he told them what I did? I stare at him doubtfully, afraid to drop my guard. “So I’m not in trouble?”
“I didn’t say that.” Something loosens in his face as he says this. A hint of a smile plays on his mouth. “You did reveal yourself to a human, Jacinda. And his family of hunters.”
And for that, I must pay. I nod, accepting it.
“You’ve got a lot to make up for,” he adds, fully serious again.
“And if I can’t?” I’m not sure I have it in me to prove myself to anyone anymore. Right now, the thought of never seeing Will again tears through me and makes me feel bruised and tired. Even though a part of me is relieved to be back in the pride, I’m not exactly in the best condition to properly suck up to anyone.
“Then things will be hard for you. Harder than they have to be. And your mother . . .” His voice fades, but the threat hangs.
My eyes narrow, skin tightening and prickling. “What about my mother?”
He glances over his shoulder as if he could see her wherever she stands in the house. “There’s no love for her. They blame her for taking you and Tamra. There’s talk of banishment—”
I inhale sharply. “That’s not fair. I’m the one—”
“She took you away. You didn’t leave on your own. Come on, Jacinda. Would any of this have happened without your mother hauling you off to some desert?”
I swallow thickly and look back out the window. I hate that I can’t argue this point with him. Hate that I see his logic, as cruel as it is.
“None of us is an island. Think about that. The actions of one affect all.”
I guess this is how I’m not like the rest of them. Why I’m the one who has endangered us all.
I lightly brush my mouth, speaking through my fingers. “Don’t you get sick of it? Don’t you ever want what you want? Don’t you think you deserve that once in a while? Why must you put the pride first above everything? Above the life of one? Do you ever draw a line? You can rationalize the sacrifice of one, but what about when it’s two? Three? When do you say enough?” I shake my head.
Cassian stares at me. “It’s the way we are. It’s how we’ve survived this long. The fact that you even question it when no one else does—” He cocks his head to the side. “But then maybe that’s what makes you so special. Why I’m even here talking to you. Why I care at all.”
I swallow against the tightness in my throat and hold his stare. “So you”—I struggle for the right word, a word that won’t make my face heat unbearably, and settle on—“you like me because I’m the kind of person that puts us all in jeopardy?”
That rare smile plays about his lips again. “You’re not dull, that’s for sure.”
“Cassian.”
My nerves snap tight as Severin himself steps inside the room beside Cassian. The two of them . . . in my room. Not something I ever envisioned. Cassian is one thing. Severin, another.
Mom hangs back behind Severin, her face hard with defiance. I guess whatever they discussed did not sit well with her.
