Waiting For Nick
Page 49
Insane maybe, he mused, but appealing. A family of his own, a woman who loved him. Surely that was insane.
Insane or not, it was hopeless now. The woman who had walked out the day before didn't love him. All she felt for him was disdain.
Saw to that, didn't you, LeBeck? You idiot.
He'd had a shot. It was all so clear, now that it was over. He'd had a chance to love and be loved, to make a life with the only woman who had ever really meant anything to him.
How could he have been so stupid, so blind? It had always been her. If he had good news, she was the first one he wanted to share it with. If he was down, he knew it would only take her voice over the phone to bring him up again.
Friends. He supposed that was what had thrown him all along. They'd been friends. And when he felt more than friendship for her, he'd tried to block it, ignore it, deny it. He'd used every excuse available to hide the real one.
He hadn't believed he deserved her.
Even when their relationship changed, he'd held part of himself back. She'd been right. He'd never given her soft words. He'd never shared the reins of courtship.
Now he'd lost her.
He let his head fall back, closed his eyes. She was better off without him. He was sure of that. Had been sure.
The knock on the door had him springing up. She'd come back, was all he could think.
All the pleasure died from his face when he saw Rachel.
"Well, that's quite a greeting."
"Sorry." Dutifully he pecked her cheek. "I was… Nothing. What you are doing here?"
"Paying you a visit. I don't have to be in court for another couple of hours." She walked over to a chair, sat, gestured to another. "Sit down, Nick. I want to talk to you."
It was her lawyer's voice that put him on guard. "What's the problem?"
"You are, I believe. Sit." When he did, she laid a hand on his. "I love you."
"Yeah, I know. So?"
"I just wanted to get that out of the way, so I can tell you what an absolute jerk you are." The hand that had rested so gently over his balled into a fist and rapped his shoulder. "What a stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate, blind male boob you are."
"What's the deal?" he said between clenched teeth, as she'd squarely hit a spot that was still raw from Reece. He supposed he deserved the pain.
"I stayed with Freddie last night. She didn't want me to, but we ganged up on her."
"Oh." He let out a careful breath. "So how is she?"
"As far as the attack on her, she's holding up. As far as your attack, she's pretty hurt."
"Hold on. I didn't attack her."
"Objection overruled. I pried most of what happened out of her. It's bad enough that you've broken her heart, Nick, but to mess up your own life while you were at it takes real skill."
His defense mechanism clicked in before he could stop it. "Look, we slept together a few times. I realized it was a mistake and put the brakes on."
"Don't insult me, Nick," she said coolly. "Or Freddie. Or yourself."
He let his eyes close with an oath. The hell with it, he thought. The hell with defending himself, with pride, with anything else that blocked the way. "I love her, Rachel. I didn't realize how much, how bad it was, until she walked out the door."
It was hard, but Rachel restrained herself from offering the comfort, the sympathy, that stirred inside her. "Have you bothered to tell her you love her?"
"Not the way she needed. It's one of the things I neglected."
"So I gathered."
"I wasn't prepared for it." He pushed himself up to prowl the room. "She had it all worked out in her head. One of her step-by-steps."
"And you found that insulting," Rachel put in. "Which proves you're a fool. Some more intelligent men might have found being found attractive and desirable by an attractive, desirable woman a compliment."
"It threw me, okay? It all threw me. Everything I was feeling for her hit me like a wall. I didn't know it could be like this."
"So to fix it, you tossed her out."
"She walked."
"Do you want her to keep on walking? She will. And if you dare tell me that you're not good enough, that you haven't got what it takes to make her happy, I'll really hit you next time. There's only part of the boy I got stuck with all those years ago left in you, Nick. And it's the best part."
He wanted to believe it. He'd tried for more than a decade to make it true. "I don't know if I can give her what she wants."
"Then you won't," Rachel snapped back, without sympathy. "And she'll survive. She's cried herself dry, and she's purged most of the rage. The woman I left a little while ago was very controlled, and determined to forget you."
"I want her back." The thought wasn't as frightening as he'd assumed it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly right. "I want it all back."
"Then you'd better get to work, pal." She rose, took him by the shoulders and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "My money's on you, LeBeck."
Nick wasn't sure he'd take the bet himself. The odds were long, he decided as he carted his bags toward Freddie's building. It was going to take some pretty fancy footwork to squeeze an entire courtship into one crowded balcony scene.
Nick glanced up to the fifth floor of Freddie's apartment building, and headed for the fire escape.
"And where do you think you're going, LeBeck?"
The beat cop Nick had known half his life strolled up, tapping his baton.
"How's it going, Officer Mooney?"
But the wily veteran eyed Nick's bags suspiciously. "My question was, where are you going?"
"I need a break here, Mooney."
"Do you now? Well, why don't you tell me about it?"
"See that window?" Nick pointed, waited until Mooney's eyes lifted and focused. "The woman I love lives up there."
"Captain Stanislaski's niece lives up there. And the girl's had a spot of trouble."
"I know. She's the one I'm in love with. She's a little annoyed with me at the moment."
"Do tell."
"I messed up, and I want to fix it. Look, she's not going to let me in the front."
Insane or not, it was hopeless now. The woman who had walked out the day before didn't love him. All she felt for him was disdain.
Saw to that, didn't you, LeBeck? You idiot.
He'd had a shot. It was all so clear, now that it was over. He'd had a chance to love and be loved, to make a life with the only woman who had ever really meant anything to him.
How could he have been so stupid, so blind? It had always been her. If he had good news, she was the first one he wanted to share it with. If he was down, he knew it would only take her voice over the phone to bring him up again.
Friends. He supposed that was what had thrown him all along. They'd been friends. And when he felt more than friendship for her, he'd tried to block it, ignore it, deny it. He'd used every excuse available to hide the real one.
He hadn't believed he deserved her.
Even when their relationship changed, he'd held part of himself back. She'd been right. He'd never given her soft words. He'd never shared the reins of courtship.
Now he'd lost her.
He let his head fall back, closed his eyes. She was better off without him. He was sure of that. Had been sure.
The knock on the door had him springing up. She'd come back, was all he could think.
All the pleasure died from his face when he saw Rachel.
"Well, that's quite a greeting."
"Sorry." Dutifully he pecked her cheek. "I was… Nothing. What you are doing here?"
"Paying you a visit. I don't have to be in court for another couple of hours." She walked over to a chair, sat, gestured to another. "Sit down, Nick. I want to talk to you."
It was her lawyer's voice that put him on guard. "What's the problem?"
"You are, I believe. Sit." When he did, she laid a hand on his. "I love you."
"Yeah, I know. So?"
"I just wanted to get that out of the way, so I can tell you what an absolute jerk you are." The hand that had rested so gently over his balled into a fist and rapped his shoulder. "What a stupid, idiotic, inconsiderate, blind male boob you are."
"What's the deal?" he said between clenched teeth, as she'd squarely hit a spot that was still raw from Reece. He supposed he deserved the pain.
"I stayed with Freddie last night. She didn't want me to, but we ganged up on her."
"Oh." He let out a careful breath. "So how is she?"
"As far as the attack on her, she's holding up. As far as your attack, she's pretty hurt."
"Hold on. I didn't attack her."
"Objection overruled. I pried most of what happened out of her. It's bad enough that you've broken her heart, Nick, but to mess up your own life while you were at it takes real skill."
His defense mechanism clicked in before he could stop it. "Look, we slept together a few times. I realized it was a mistake and put the brakes on."
"Don't insult me, Nick," she said coolly. "Or Freddie. Or yourself."
He let his eyes close with an oath. The hell with it, he thought. The hell with defending himself, with pride, with anything else that blocked the way. "I love her, Rachel. I didn't realize how much, how bad it was, until she walked out the door."
It was hard, but Rachel restrained herself from offering the comfort, the sympathy, that stirred inside her. "Have you bothered to tell her you love her?"
"Not the way she needed. It's one of the things I neglected."
"So I gathered."
"I wasn't prepared for it." He pushed himself up to prowl the room. "She had it all worked out in her head. One of her step-by-steps."
"And you found that insulting," Rachel put in. "Which proves you're a fool. Some more intelligent men might have found being found attractive and desirable by an attractive, desirable woman a compliment."
"It threw me, okay? It all threw me. Everything I was feeling for her hit me like a wall. I didn't know it could be like this."
"So to fix it, you tossed her out."
"She walked."
"Do you want her to keep on walking? She will. And if you dare tell me that you're not good enough, that you haven't got what it takes to make her happy, I'll really hit you next time. There's only part of the boy I got stuck with all those years ago left in you, Nick. And it's the best part."
He wanted to believe it. He'd tried for more than a decade to make it true. "I don't know if I can give her what she wants."
"Then you won't," Rachel snapped back, without sympathy. "And she'll survive. She's cried herself dry, and she's purged most of the rage. The woman I left a little while ago was very controlled, and determined to forget you."
"I want her back." The thought wasn't as frightening as he'd assumed it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly right. "I want it all back."
"Then you'd better get to work, pal." She rose, took him by the shoulders and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "My money's on you, LeBeck."
Nick wasn't sure he'd take the bet himself. The odds were long, he decided as he carted his bags toward Freddie's building. It was going to take some pretty fancy footwork to squeeze an entire courtship into one crowded balcony scene.
Nick glanced up to the fifth floor of Freddie's apartment building, and headed for the fire escape.
"And where do you think you're going, LeBeck?"
The beat cop Nick had known half his life strolled up, tapping his baton.
"How's it going, Officer Mooney?"
But the wily veteran eyed Nick's bags suspiciously. "My question was, where are you going?"
"I need a break here, Mooney."
"Do you now? Well, why don't you tell me about it?"
"See that window?" Nick pointed, waited until Mooney's eyes lifted and focused. "The woman I love lives up there."
"Captain Stanislaski's niece lives up there. And the girl's had a spot of trouble."
"I know. She's the one I'm in love with. She's a little annoyed with me at the moment."
"Do tell."
"I messed up, and I want to fix it. Look, she's not going to let me in the front."
