Waiting On You
Page 18
“Hey, I have a summer job lined up,” she said, practically purring under his hand. “Nurse’s assistant at Rushing Creek. Kind of great, don’t you think?”
“Sounds perfect.”
“So that’ll be great. I can work there, take care of Gramp, sock some money away, finish school, and then we can get married and have twelve beautiful children.” She smiled more fully and opened her eyes. “Speaking of that...”
Lucas stopped breathing.
“Speaking of what?” he croaked.
“Kids. Marriage. Eternal love and death do us part. Wanna get married this summer?”
“Are you pregnant?” he managed.
She bolted up. “What? No! Oh, I get it. Sorry. Wow, look at your face. Are you having a heart attack?”
“Yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “No, babe. Not pregnant. I mean, come on. We use two kinds of birth control.” She paused. “But you do want to get married, right?”
He was still digging out of the avalanche of terror. “Uh, sure, mía. Someday, yeah.” He took a deep breath and looked at her face. Shit. Wrong answer. “What?”
She shrugged. Never a good sign.
“What, Colleen?”
“I thought you wanted to get married. To me, specifically.”
This was, unfortunately, one of the few parts of their relationship that stuck a little. Her picture of the future, and his.
To her, there was nothing at all scary or strange about getting married young. Why not? They loved each other. (True.) She wanted to live in Manningsport, preferably down the street from Connor, and have a bunch of kids.
And so did he. Mostly.
Except for the Manningsport thing. He was a Southie. His sister lived in Chicago, not to mention his nieces, and Steph always needed something, whether it was babysitting, or extra money, or a flat tire changed. She was his true family, as opposed to Bryce and Joe and Didi. He hadn’t even called them to let them know he was in Manningsport this weekend, not wanting anything to take away from his time with Colleen.
Marriage, sure. Just not now.
Lucas wanted to get through law school, having decided that was the best way to make a decent living. Colleen wasn’t materialistic, but Lucas would kill himself before having her live in some shitty little apartment the way Stephanie did, bartending nights while he was in law school. She deserved better than that, and until he could give it to her, they weren’t doing anything. He wanted health insurance and sunny rooms and a yard and a dog.
He wanted to provide for his family, and he wasn’t going to have one until he could give them a good life. He wasn’t ever going to be in the same straits his father had been in. Ever.
“Well, this silence doesn’t give me much to go on, does it?” Colleen said, pulling her legs up onto the chair and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her chin on her knees and sighed.
“You know what I want,” he said.
“Yes, I do.”
“It’s you.”
That got a little smile.
“Just not yet, mía.”
“You have this image of me,” she said, “as needing a nice car and three acres and a membership at the country club.” Her voice wavered a little. “And all I want is for us to be together.”
“Attention passengers,” came the voice over the PA. “We’ll now begin boarding for American Flight 227 for Chicago.”
“Crap,” Colleen whispered. “We should have these talks earlier in the weekend next time.”
He kissed her, tasting the salt of her tears. “I’ll miss you,” he said. “I’ll call you when I land.”
“I love you.”
The words almost made it out this time. It didn’t matter. She knew anyway, and despite her wet eyes, she smiled.
“Say it again,” he said.
“I love you. Even if you don’t deserve me.”
“I don’t.”
“You kind of do.” She stood up and hugged him and kissed him again, sending him off with a smile and a pat on the ass, despite her wet eyes.
Next time, he promised himself. Next time he would definitely say the words. And next time, he’d tell her about her father and Gail.
* * *
EXCEPT HE DIDN’T.
How do you break someone’s heart? How do you ensure that someone never sees her father the same way again? He just couldn’t do it.
So he told himself it wasn’t his business. Maybe the affair had blown over by now, anyway. It was the right thing to do, he told himself. Even if agreeing with Pete O’Rourke made him feel unclean. It wasn’t his job.
If his conscience knew that was bullshit, Lucas nonetheless stayed mute on the subject. His arguments for doing nothing sounded good enough. For two months, he tried not to think about it.
One April night, he sat at the front desk at the trading firm where he was one of the night security guards, attempting to read a textbook on commercial torts in anticipation of law school, and instead listening to Bernard detail his conquest the weekend before.
“So she’s all this and that, right? But I just keep looking at her, she’s so hot, let me tell you, a body that would make Jesus weep, okay? And so all these guys, they’re trying to get her number or dance with her, but I just stare, and she’s all, ‘Hey, what you looking at, ass**le?’ and I’m like, ‘I’m looking at nothing,’ and she’s all pissy now, right, and—”
Mercifully, because these stories tended never to end, a banging came on the front door of the lobby, despite the fact that it was after ten.
“Isn’t that your girlfriend?” Bernard asked. “Man, you been cheating on her or something? Yikes. That, or she’s pregnant, dude.” It was Colleen, clad in a sweatshirt, jeans, flip-flops and a Yankees hat. She was crying.
Lucas ran over, punched in the code for the door, and she hurled herself into his arms, her face unrecognizable with grief.
“Mía, what happened?” he asked, holding her hard.
“I didn’t know what to do,” she sobbed. “I couldn’t talk on the phone...so I just came here, I drove all day...he...my...”
“Is it Connor? Is he okay?” Oh, God, if something happened to her twin, it would kill her. Literally, maybe.
“No,” she managed, her voice strangled. “It’s my father. He—he’s...”
“Is he hurt?” he asked, picturing Smug Pete lying in a hospital bed.
“He’s—he’s...” He heard her take a shaking breath, then another. She pulled back and wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Lucas, he’s divorcing my mom! He has some whore on the side, and she’s pregnant!”
“Gail?” he asked.
Huge. Fucking. Mistake.
She blinked up at him, her face changing. “How...how do you know her name?”
He took a breath. The damage was done—time to face the music. “I saw them at the airport a while ago. He, uh...he introduced me.”
Bernard grimaced and tiptoed a safe distance away to the bank of elevators where he’d probably eavesdrop.
The innocent distress that had painted Colleen’s face a minute ago slid off, and in its place came a horrible nothingness.
She took a step away from him.
“You knew?”
Well, shit. “Yes.”
She closed her mouth. Opened it. Closed it again, then spoke. “You saw them together, and you never told me?” Her voice bounced through the huge, vacant foyer.
“I didn’t know how to break it to you.”
“So you did nothing? Let me sit there like an idiot, thinking my father was the best guy in the damn world, and he was screwing another woman the whole time?”
“Colleen—”
“What was this? A man-to-man agreement or some such shit? You didn’t think I’d want to know about this?”
“Okay, look. I should’ve said something, and I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you’re sorry. Well, that’s fine, then. You’ve been lying to me for—how long? How long have you known? Specifically, Lucas.”
He grimaced. “Since February.”
“Since February?” The last word was a shriek. Bernard peeked around from the elevator banks again and shrugged, male sign language for Dude, if I could help you, I would, but you’re up shit creek, man.
Colleen’s breath was coming in gasps.
“Coll, I think you should calm down.”
Again, such a dickhead thing to say.
“I should— Wow. Wow, Lucas. Months! You’ve known for months! Did it ever occur to you that if you’d said something, maybe I could’ve stopped this? Maybe I could’ve talked to him, and he would’ve seen how wrong this was, and I wouldn’t have a baby brother or sister on the way right now, did that ever occur to you?”
“Colleen, if you’d just listen—”
“I would’ve loved to have listened a few months ago. Now, not so much.”
He took a deep breath. “Look. I know how you worship that guy. Okay? And I didn’t want to say anything, since this is exactly what would happen. You’d get hysterical.”
Dickhead thing to say. He winced and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. Folded her arms and looked out the window, her jaw hard. “I’m going home. Don’t call me.”
“Colleen, I didn’t mean to...” Here came the part where he would beg.
“In case it’s unclear, we’re breaking up.”
Her words sucker punched him in the gut. “What?”
“You have to go to law school, my family’s imploding, and maybe we’re not the people we think we are.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means,” she barked, even as tears spurted out of her eyes, “that I thought you were the kind of person I could trust! But no, Lucas, you’ve been keeping this huge secret from me, and it’s about my family and my father, but you decided who gets to be told and who gets to stay in the dark!”
“Colleen, just—”
“I thought we were close, I thought, despite the fact that you’re struck mute half the time we’re together, that you loved me! But maybe you don’t! Maybe I’m just a habit you don’t know how to shake. Same as my father can’t shake my stupid, oblivious mother, right?”
“No, Colleen, that’s not how it is at all.”
“Yeah? Well, do you want to get married, then?” Her breath was ragged.
You have the right to remain silent. “Yes. Eventually.”
“I see. Well, I want to get married sooner than eventually.” She jammed her hands on her hips, and for the first time, Lucas felt a stir of anger.
“So you’re blackmailing me, is that it?” he asked. “I screwed up, I was trying to protect you—”
“Don’t even go there. Do you want to marry me, or don’t you? Do you want to play the field? Is that it?”
“Colleen, come on.” He tried to take her hands, but she stepped back. “There’s no one but you, okay? But if you’re asking if I want to get married now, at the age of twenty-two, the answer is no. I don’t want to live above some garage, I don’t want the hassle that goes along with getting married, not to mention staying married. Not right now. I just don’t, Colleen. I’m sorry about your father, but...no.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “Take care, Lucas.”
And with that, she walked out, and he stood there like an idiot, her words surreal, hanging in the air like a noose.
“Jesus, man,” said Bernard. “She’s feisty.”
Lucas bolted after her. “Colleen, this is stupid. We don’t have to break up.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“So that’ll be great. I can work there, take care of Gramp, sock some money away, finish school, and then we can get married and have twelve beautiful children.” She smiled more fully and opened her eyes. “Speaking of that...”
Lucas stopped breathing.
“Speaking of what?” he croaked.
“Kids. Marriage. Eternal love and death do us part. Wanna get married this summer?”
“Are you pregnant?” he managed.
She bolted up. “What? No! Oh, I get it. Sorry. Wow, look at your face. Are you having a heart attack?”
“Yes.”
She rolled her eyes. “No, babe. Not pregnant. I mean, come on. We use two kinds of birth control.” She paused. “But you do want to get married, right?”
He was still digging out of the avalanche of terror. “Uh, sure, mía. Someday, yeah.” He took a deep breath and looked at her face. Shit. Wrong answer. “What?”
She shrugged. Never a good sign.
“What, Colleen?”
“I thought you wanted to get married. To me, specifically.”
This was, unfortunately, one of the few parts of their relationship that stuck a little. Her picture of the future, and his.
To her, there was nothing at all scary or strange about getting married young. Why not? They loved each other. (True.) She wanted to live in Manningsport, preferably down the street from Connor, and have a bunch of kids.
And so did he. Mostly.
Except for the Manningsport thing. He was a Southie. His sister lived in Chicago, not to mention his nieces, and Steph always needed something, whether it was babysitting, or extra money, or a flat tire changed. She was his true family, as opposed to Bryce and Joe and Didi. He hadn’t even called them to let them know he was in Manningsport this weekend, not wanting anything to take away from his time with Colleen.
Marriage, sure. Just not now.
Lucas wanted to get through law school, having decided that was the best way to make a decent living. Colleen wasn’t materialistic, but Lucas would kill himself before having her live in some shitty little apartment the way Stephanie did, bartending nights while he was in law school. She deserved better than that, and until he could give it to her, they weren’t doing anything. He wanted health insurance and sunny rooms and a yard and a dog.
He wanted to provide for his family, and he wasn’t going to have one until he could give them a good life. He wasn’t ever going to be in the same straits his father had been in. Ever.
“Well, this silence doesn’t give me much to go on, does it?” Colleen said, pulling her legs up onto the chair and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her chin on her knees and sighed.
“You know what I want,” he said.
“Yes, I do.”
“It’s you.”
That got a little smile.
“Just not yet, mía.”
“You have this image of me,” she said, “as needing a nice car and three acres and a membership at the country club.” Her voice wavered a little. “And all I want is for us to be together.”
“Attention passengers,” came the voice over the PA. “We’ll now begin boarding for American Flight 227 for Chicago.”
“Crap,” Colleen whispered. “We should have these talks earlier in the weekend next time.”
He kissed her, tasting the salt of her tears. “I’ll miss you,” he said. “I’ll call you when I land.”
“I love you.”
The words almost made it out this time. It didn’t matter. She knew anyway, and despite her wet eyes, she smiled.
“Say it again,” he said.
“I love you. Even if you don’t deserve me.”
“I don’t.”
“You kind of do.” She stood up and hugged him and kissed him again, sending him off with a smile and a pat on the ass, despite her wet eyes.
Next time, he promised himself. Next time he would definitely say the words. And next time, he’d tell her about her father and Gail.
* * *
EXCEPT HE DIDN’T.
How do you break someone’s heart? How do you ensure that someone never sees her father the same way again? He just couldn’t do it.
So he told himself it wasn’t his business. Maybe the affair had blown over by now, anyway. It was the right thing to do, he told himself. Even if agreeing with Pete O’Rourke made him feel unclean. It wasn’t his job.
If his conscience knew that was bullshit, Lucas nonetheless stayed mute on the subject. His arguments for doing nothing sounded good enough. For two months, he tried not to think about it.
One April night, he sat at the front desk at the trading firm where he was one of the night security guards, attempting to read a textbook on commercial torts in anticipation of law school, and instead listening to Bernard detail his conquest the weekend before.
“So she’s all this and that, right? But I just keep looking at her, she’s so hot, let me tell you, a body that would make Jesus weep, okay? And so all these guys, they’re trying to get her number or dance with her, but I just stare, and she’s all, ‘Hey, what you looking at, ass**le?’ and I’m like, ‘I’m looking at nothing,’ and she’s all pissy now, right, and—”
Mercifully, because these stories tended never to end, a banging came on the front door of the lobby, despite the fact that it was after ten.
“Isn’t that your girlfriend?” Bernard asked. “Man, you been cheating on her or something? Yikes. That, or she’s pregnant, dude.” It was Colleen, clad in a sweatshirt, jeans, flip-flops and a Yankees hat. She was crying.
Lucas ran over, punched in the code for the door, and she hurled herself into his arms, her face unrecognizable with grief.
“Mía, what happened?” he asked, holding her hard.
“I didn’t know what to do,” she sobbed. “I couldn’t talk on the phone...so I just came here, I drove all day...he...my...”
“Is it Connor? Is he okay?” Oh, God, if something happened to her twin, it would kill her. Literally, maybe.
“No,” she managed, her voice strangled. “It’s my father. He—he’s...”
“Is he hurt?” he asked, picturing Smug Pete lying in a hospital bed.
“He’s—he’s...” He heard her take a shaking breath, then another. She pulled back and wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands. “Lucas, he’s divorcing my mom! He has some whore on the side, and she’s pregnant!”
“Gail?” he asked.
Huge. Fucking. Mistake.
She blinked up at him, her face changing. “How...how do you know her name?”
He took a breath. The damage was done—time to face the music. “I saw them at the airport a while ago. He, uh...he introduced me.”
Bernard grimaced and tiptoed a safe distance away to the bank of elevators where he’d probably eavesdrop.
The innocent distress that had painted Colleen’s face a minute ago slid off, and in its place came a horrible nothingness.
She took a step away from him.
“You knew?”
Well, shit. “Yes.”
She closed her mouth. Opened it. Closed it again, then spoke. “You saw them together, and you never told me?” Her voice bounced through the huge, vacant foyer.
“I didn’t know how to break it to you.”
“So you did nothing? Let me sit there like an idiot, thinking my father was the best guy in the damn world, and he was screwing another woman the whole time?”
“Colleen—”
“What was this? A man-to-man agreement or some such shit? You didn’t think I’d want to know about this?”
“Okay, look. I should’ve said something, and I didn’t. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you’re sorry. Well, that’s fine, then. You’ve been lying to me for—how long? How long have you known? Specifically, Lucas.”
He grimaced. “Since February.”
“Since February?” The last word was a shriek. Bernard peeked around from the elevator banks again and shrugged, male sign language for Dude, if I could help you, I would, but you’re up shit creek, man.
Colleen’s breath was coming in gasps.
“Coll, I think you should calm down.”
Again, such a dickhead thing to say.
“I should— Wow. Wow, Lucas. Months! You’ve known for months! Did it ever occur to you that if you’d said something, maybe I could’ve stopped this? Maybe I could’ve talked to him, and he would’ve seen how wrong this was, and I wouldn’t have a baby brother or sister on the way right now, did that ever occur to you?”
“Colleen, if you’d just listen—”
“I would’ve loved to have listened a few months ago. Now, not so much.”
He took a deep breath. “Look. I know how you worship that guy. Okay? And I didn’t want to say anything, since this is exactly what would happen. You’d get hysterical.”
Dickhead thing to say. He winced and tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. Folded her arms and looked out the window, her jaw hard. “I’m going home. Don’t call me.”
“Colleen, I didn’t mean to...” Here came the part where he would beg.
“In case it’s unclear, we’re breaking up.”
Her words sucker punched him in the gut. “What?”
“You have to go to law school, my family’s imploding, and maybe we’re not the people we think we are.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means,” she barked, even as tears spurted out of her eyes, “that I thought you were the kind of person I could trust! But no, Lucas, you’ve been keeping this huge secret from me, and it’s about my family and my father, but you decided who gets to be told and who gets to stay in the dark!”
“Colleen, just—”
“I thought we were close, I thought, despite the fact that you’re struck mute half the time we’re together, that you loved me! But maybe you don’t! Maybe I’m just a habit you don’t know how to shake. Same as my father can’t shake my stupid, oblivious mother, right?”
“No, Colleen, that’s not how it is at all.”
“Yeah? Well, do you want to get married, then?” Her breath was ragged.
You have the right to remain silent. “Yes. Eventually.”
“I see. Well, I want to get married sooner than eventually.” She jammed her hands on her hips, and for the first time, Lucas felt a stir of anger.
“So you’re blackmailing me, is that it?” he asked. “I screwed up, I was trying to protect you—”
“Don’t even go there. Do you want to marry me, or don’t you? Do you want to play the field? Is that it?”
“Colleen, come on.” He tried to take her hands, but she stepped back. “There’s no one but you, okay? But if you’re asking if I want to get married now, at the age of twenty-two, the answer is no. I don’t want to live above some garage, I don’t want the hassle that goes along with getting married, not to mention staying married. Not right now. I just don’t, Colleen. I’m sorry about your father, but...no.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “Take care, Lucas.”
And with that, she walked out, and he stood there like an idiot, her words surreal, hanging in the air like a noose.
“Jesus, man,” said Bernard. “She’s feisty.”
Lucas bolted after her. “Colleen, this is stupid. We don’t have to break up.”
