Wallbanger
Page 11
I’d been consulting a little with Jillian as she chose the final touches on the house she and Benjamin had been renovating, and I knew it was just the kind of house I’d been dreaming of for years. Like Jillian, it would be warm, inviting, elegant, and filled with light.
We talked shop for a while, and then she let me get back to work.
“By the way, housewarming next weekend. You and your posse are invited,” she said on her way out the door.
“Did you just say posse?” I asked.
“I might have. You in?”
“Sounds great. Can we bring anything, and can we stare at your fiancé?”
“Don’t you dare, and I would expect nothing less,” she fired back.
I smiled as I went back to work. Party in Sausalito? Sounded promising.
“You don’t seriously have a crush on him do you? I mean, how many dreams have you had about him?” Mimi asked, sucking on her straw.
“A crush? No, he’s an ass**le! Why would I—”
“Of course she doesn’t. Who knows where that dick has been? Caroline would never,” Sophia answered for me, tossing her hair over her shoulder and stunning stupid a table of businessmen who’d been staring since she walked in. We’d met for lunch at our favorite little bistro in North Beach.
Mimi settled back into her chair and giggled, kicking me under the table.
“Piss off, pipsqueak.” I stared hard at her, blushing furiously.
“Yeah, piss off, pipsqueak! Caroline knows better than to…” Sophia laughed then trailed off, finally taking off her sunglasses and switching her gaze to me.
The cellist and the pipsqueak watched me fidget. One smiled and the other swore.
“Ah, jeez, Caroline, do not tell me you are crushing on that guy? Oh no, you are, aren’t you?” Sophia huffed as the waiter set down a bottle of Pellegrino. He stared at her as she ran her fingers through her hair, and she waved him away with a carefully aimed wink. She knew how men looked at her, and it was fun to watch her make them squirm.
Mimi was different. She was so tiny and cute that initially men were drawn in by her innate charm. Then they really got a look at her and realized she was lovely. Something about her made men want to take care of her and protect her—until they got her to the bedroom. Or so I’d been told. Crazytown that one was…
I’d been told I was pretty, and on some days I believed it. On a good day I knew I could work it. I never felt as hot as Sophia or as perfectly pulled together as Mimi, but I cleaned up good. I knew when the three of us went out we could really work a scene, and until recently we’d used this to our advantage.
We each had very distinct types, which was good. We rarely went for the same guy.
Sophia was very particular. She liked her men long, lean, and pretty. She liked them not too tall, but taller than her. She wanted her men polite and smart, and preferably with blond hair. It was her true weakness. She also was a sucker for a southern accent. Seriously, if a guy called her “sugar,” she’d wet herself. I had firsthand knowledge of this because I’d messed with her one night when she was wasted using my best Oklahoma accent. I had to fight her off the rest of the evening. She claimed it was college, and she wanted to experiment.
Mimi, on the other hand, was particular, but not with a specific look. She went for overall size. She liked her men big, huge, tall, and strong. She loved when they had to pick her up to kiss her, or stand her on a stool so they didn’t get neck cramps. She liked her men a little on the sarcastic side and hated condescending. Because she was small, she had a tendency to draw types that wanted to “protect.” But girlfriend had been taking karate since she was a kid, and she needed no one’s protection. She was a badass in a retro skirt.
I was harder to pin down, but I knew him when I saw him. Like the Supreme Court and p**n ography, I was aware. I did have a tendency toward outdoorsy guys—lifeguards, scuba divers, rock climbers. I liked them clean cut, but a little shaggy, gentlemanly with a touch of bad boy, and making enough money that I didn’t have to play mommy. I’d spent a summer with a hotter-than-hell surfer who couldn’t afford his own peanut butter. Even Micah’s round-the-clock orgasms couldn’t save him when I found out he’d been using my AmEx to pay for his sex wax. And his cell phone bill. And his trip to Fiji that I wasn’t even invited on. To the curb, surfer boy. To the curb.
I might have taken one more for the road before he left though. Ahh, the days before O’s departure. Round-the-clock orgasms. Sigh.
“So, wait a minute, have you seen him since the hallway encounter?” Sophia asked after we’d ordered and I’d come back from my surfer memories.
“No,” I groaned.
Mimi patted my arm soothingly. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“Dammit—yes! Too cute for his own good. He’s such an ass**le!” I slammed my hand down on the table so hard I made the silverware bounce. Sophia and Mimi exchanged a glance, and I showed them my middle finger.
“And then that morning, he’s in the hallway with Purina, kissing on her! It’s like some sick, twisted orgasm town going over there, and I want no part of it!” I said, chewing furiously on my lettuce after telling them the story for the third time.
“I can’t believe Jillian didn’t warn you about this guy,” Sophia mused, pushing her croutons around on her plate. She was on a no-bread thing again, terrified of the five pounds she claimed she’d put on in the last year. She was full of it, but there was no arguing with Sophia when she set her mind to something.
“No, no, she says she doesn’t know this guy,” I reported. “He must’ve moved in since the last time she was there. I mean, she hardly ever stayed in that place. They just kept it so they always had a place to stay in the city. According to the neighbors, he’s only been in the building a year or so. And he travels all the time.” As I spoke, I realized I’d compiled quite a dossier on this guy.
“So has he been wall banging at all this week?” Sophia asked.
“Relatively quiet, actually. Either he really listened to me and is being neighborly, or his dick finally broke off in one of them and he’s sought medical attention,” I said, a little too loudly. The table of businessmen must’ve been listening pretty closely as they all choked a little just then and shifted in their seats, perhaps crossing their legs in unwitting sympathy. We giggled and continued our lunch.
“Speaking of Jillian, you guys are invited out to the house in Sausalito next weekend for their housewarming party,” I informed them.
We talked shop for a while, and then she let me get back to work.
“By the way, housewarming next weekend. You and your posse are invited,” she said on her way out the door.
“Did you just say posse?” I asked.
“I might have. You in?”
“Sounds great. Can we bring anything, and can we stare at your fiancé?”
“Don’t you dare, and I would expect nothing less,” she fired back.
I smiled as I went back to work. Party in Sausalito? Sounded promising.
“You don’t seriously have a crush on him do you? I mean, how many dreams have you had about him?” Mimi asked, sucking on her straw.
“A crush? No, he’s an ass**le! Why would I—”
“Of course she doesn’t. Who knows where that dick has been? Caroline would never,” Sophia answered for me, tossing her hair over her shoulder and stunning stupid a table of businessmen who’d been staring since she walked in. We’d met for lunch at our favorite little bistro in North Beach.
Mimi settled back into her chair and giggled, kicking me under the table.
“Piss off, pipsqueak.” I stared hard at her, blushing furiously.
“Yeah, piss off, pipsqueak! Caroline knows better than to…” Sophia laughed then trailed off, finally taking off her sunglasses and switching her gaze to me.
The cellist and the pipsqueak watched me fidget. One smiled and the other swore.
“Ah, jeez, Caroline, do not tell me you are crushing on that guy? Oh no, you are, aren’t you?” Sophia huffed as the waiter set down a bottle of Pellegrino. He stared at her as she ran her fingers through her hair, and she waved him away with a carefully aimed wink. She knew how men looked at her, and it was fun to watch her make them squirm.
Mimi was different. She was so tiny and cute that initially men were drawn in by her innate charm. Then they really got a look at her and realized she was lovely. Something about her made men want to take care of her and protect her—until they got her to the bedroom. Or so I’d been told. Crazytown that one was…
I’d been told I was pretty, and on some days I believed it. On a good day I knew I could work it. I never felt as hot as Sophia or as perfectly pulled together as Mimi, but I cleaned up good. I knew when the three of us went out we could really work a scene, and until recently we’d used this to our advantage.
We each had very distinct types, which was good. We rarely went for the same guy.
Sophia was very particular. She liked her men long, lean, and pretty. She liked them not too tall, but taller than her. She wanted her men polite and smart, and preferably with blond hair. It was her true weakness. She also was a sucker for a southern accent. Seriously, if a guy called her “sugar,” she’d wet herself. I had firsthand knowledge of this because I’d messed with her one night when she was wasted using my best Oklahoma accent. I had to fight her off the rest of the evening. She claimed it was college, and she wanted to experiment.
Mimi, on the other hand, was particular, but not with a specific look. She went for overall size. She liked her men big, huge, tall, and strong. She loved when they had to pick her up to kiss her, or stand her on a stool so they didn’t get neck cramps. She liked her men a little on the sarcastic side and hated condescending. Because she was small, she had a tendency to draw types that wanted to “protect.” But girlfriend had been taking karate since she was a kid, and she needed no one’s protection. She was a badass in a retro skirt.
I was harder to pin down, but I knew him when I saw him. Like the Supreme Court and p**n ography, I was aware. I did have a tendency toward outdoorsy guys—lifeguards, scuba divers, rock climbers. I liked them clean cut, but a little shaggy, gentlemanly with a touch of bad boy, and making enough money that I didn’t have to play mommy. I’d spent a summer with a hotter-than-hell surfer who couldn’t afford his own peanut butter. Even Micah’s round-the-clock orgasms couldn’t save him when I found out he’d been using my AmEx to pay for his sex wax. And his cell phone bill. And his trip to Fiji that I wasn’t even invited on. To the curb, surfer boy. To the curb.
I might have taken one more for the road before he left though. Ahh, the days before O’s departure. Round-the-clock orgasms. Sigh.
“So, wait a minute, have you seen him since the hallway encounter?” Sophia asked after we’d ordered and I’d come back from my surfer memories.
“No,” I groaned.
Mimi patted my arm soothingly. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”
“Dammit—yes! Too cute for his own good. He’s such an ass**le!” I slammed my hand down on the table so hard I made the silverware bounce. Sophia and Mimi exchanged a glance, and I showed them my middle finger.
“And then that morning, he’s in the hallway with Purina, kissing on her! It’s like some sick, twisted orgasm town going over there, and I want no part of it!” I said, chewing furiously on my lettuce after telling them the story for the third time.
“I can’t believe Jillian didn’t warn you about this guy,” Sophia mused, pushing her croutons around on her plate. She was on a no-bread thing again, terrified of the five pounds she claimed she’d put on in the last year. She was full of it, but there was no arguing with Sophia when she set her mind to something.
“No, no, she says she doesn’t know this guy,” I reported. “He must’ve moved in since the last time she was there. I mean, she hardly ever stayed in that place. They just kept it so they always had a place to stay in the city. According to the neighbors, he’s only been in the building a year or so. And he travels all the time.” As I spoke, I realized I’d compiled quite a dossier on this guy.
“So has he been wall banging at all this week?” Sophia asked.
“Relatively quiet, actually. Either he really listened to me and is being neighborly, or his dick finally broke off in one of them and he’s sought medical attention,” I said, a little too loudly. The table of businessmen must’ve been listening pretty closely as they all choked a little just then and shifted in their seats, perhaps crossing their legs in unwitting sympathy. We giggled and continued our lunch.
“Speaking of Jillian, you guys are invited out to the house in Sausalito next weekend for their housewarming party,” I informed them.
