Wanted: Undead or Alive
Page 3
“Two minutes,” Gordon announced.
“Testing, testing,” Stone said, and the sound guy gave him a thumbs-up. “Take a taxi, tally-ho.”
Phineas gave him a questioning look, then realized the newscaster was warming up.
“The voluptuous vampire ventured into the velvet night,” Stone announced in a serious tone. “Peter Potter from Poughkeepsie packs a pretty pickle in his pants.”
Phineas glanced at his brother who was being herded toward the back of the room. Freemont grinned at him and punched the air with his fist.
“Billy Baker bumped into a barmaid and barfed his Blissky on her bosom,” Stone continued, then lowered his voice to a soft whisper. “I hope this works.”
“It will.” Phineas shifted in his chair and unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. You can do this.
“Ten seconds,” Gordon announced, then held up his hand to show them five seconds, four, three, two, then he pointed his index finger at them.
They were live on the air.
Chapter Two
“Good evening.” Stone focused on the camera with the red glowing light. “Tonight, the Digital Vampire Network is proud to bring you the moment you’ve been waiting for—our special bonus feature.”
The red light blinked to a second camera, and Stone shifted his gaze. “As the threat of global Vampire Apocalypse fades into the sunset, the Undead have turned their attention to . . . something completely different. I’m referring to the latest sensation on DVN—not a show, but an advertisement for the most recent addition to Vampire Fusion Cuisine, a mixture of synthetic blood and Chardonnay called Blardonnay, which is, of course, manufactured by one of our sponsors, Romatech Industries.”
Stone motioned to his guests as the camera backed up for a wider shot. “It is my pleasure to introduce the actors from that commercial: Dr. Phang and Tiffany, otherwise known as the Blardonnay Guy and Girl.”
Tiffany giggled and waved at the camera, while Phineas smiled.
“Now that your acting careers have skyrocketed,” Stone continued, “can you tell us how your lives have changed?”
“Oh, I’m so happy now!” Tiffany clasped her hands together. “I’ve always known I was destined to be a star. I mean, when you look like this”—she twisted in her chair to strike a provocative pose—“it’s obvious you belong in front of a camera.”
“Indeed.” Stone’s face remained expressionless as he regarded her. “There is a theory that those who are extremely good-looking could also be considered more attractive.”
Phineas’s mouth twitched. “A bold theory, Stone.”
“Yes, I have been incredibly blessed, but”—Tiffany heaved a forlorn sigh that carried the added bonus of causing her breasts to heave—“unfortunately, beauty such as mine tends to be overwhelming. Some might even call it . . . a curse.” With a sniffle, she wiped away an imaginary tear.
Phineas struggled to keep a straight face as he patted Tiffany’s hand. “Buck up, sweetness. It’ll all be good.”
She leaned to the side to give him a hug, which mashed her breasts together. “You’re so wonderful, Dr. Phang. And I have to say that I’m ever so grateful to DVN for giving me this opportunity to show the vampire world how truly talented I am. Now everyone will know that I have much more to offer than an exquisitely beautiful face.”
Stone’s gaze flitted to her breasts. “Yes, I can tell you are truly gifted.”
“Why, thank you.” She giggled. “I’m just thrilled everyone is taking me seriously now.”
“You can say that again.” Phineas winked at her. As far as he knew, half the men at DVN had already taken Tiffany quite seriously. No way was he getting in line.
“And how about you, Dr. Phang?” Stone asked. “Has your life changed for the better?”
“Yes, it has. I was finally able to quit my old job.”
Stone nodded. “There’s a rumor going around DVN that you’ve agreed to play a role on one of our popular soap operas.”
“It’s not a rumor.” Phineas aimed a dashing grin at the camera. “I’m in contract negotiations to star on As the Vampire Turns.”
Tiffany squealed and latched on to his arm, leaning toward him for another hug. “Oh, Dr. Phang! I’m so happy for you.” She grinned at Stone. “I have good news, too. I was just hired to do a commercial for Vampos, the after-dinner mint that gets rid of blood breath.”
“And I plan to make more Blardonnay commercials,” Phineas added, then touched Tiffany’s hand. “With you, of course.”
“Oh yes, Dr. Phang! I just love working with you.” She squeezed his arm and gave the camera a dramatic look. “We’ve become very close.”
“Tell me, Dr. Phang,” Stone continued. “How did you acquire such an interesting name? Are you really a doctor?”
“I took on the name five years ago when I was transformed,” Phineas explained. “The title of doctor is honorary and refers to my high level of expertise in all manners of love.”
Stone’s face remained blank. “Indeed?”
“Yes. They call me the Love Doctor.” It was a load of crap that Phineas felt like he’d outgrown, but it probably fit his new persona of an up-and-coming, super-sexy star. “I don’t like to brag, you understand, but I’m naturally attuned to universal love vibrations, and that gives me an uncanny ability to sense a woman’s needs and fulfill her every desire.”
“Oh yes!” Tiffany pressed against his arm. “Nobody fulfills me like Dr. Phang.”
“You don’t say,” Stone continued. “Well, I can certainly attest to Dr. Phang’s newfound popularity. DVN has been flooded with calls and e-mails. The women love the way you look in a bath towel, and the men want to know if you have a special workout regimen.”
“He has a gorgeous chest,” Tiffany purred while she rubbed a hand over his tuxedo jacket.
Phineas grabbed her hand before she could get carried away. “I was already in good shape when I was transformed. I used to be a boxer.” And a drug dealer on the side, but he didn’t want his family to know about that. Hell, he didn’t want anyone to know.
“A boxer? How fascinating,” Stone continued in his bland voice. “You mentioned quitting a job. Weren’t you employed by MacKay Security and Investigation?”
Phineas nodded. Finally, Stone was getting to the point of the interview. “Yeah, I worked for Angus MacKay. For five lousy years.”
“Lousy?” Stone asked.
“You wouldn’t believe how lousy. Seven nights a week, no time off, no vacation. And no hazard pay! They ordered me to risk my life, over and over again, and for what? Minimum wage?”
For the first time, Stone’s face showed an expression. He frowned. “I didn’t realize Angus MacKay was a bad employer.”
“Bad?” Phineas snorted. “He’s the worst. And you know what really pisses me off? That he has the gall to pretend that he’s the good guy!”
Stone sat back with a stunned look. “You don’t believe Angus MacKay is a good guy?”
“Hell no! I tell you, the whole time I worked for him, I never saw any of his employees get killed. But boy did they slaughter a bunch of other vampires.”
“You’re referring to the Malcontents they killed in battle?” Stone asked.
Phineas waved a hand. “Angus calls them Malcontents, but I like to call them by their real name: the True Ones. I mean, since when is it a crime to stick to old traditions? The True Ones just want to be left alone so they can eat the old-fashioned way.”
“You mean feeding off mortals till they die,” Stone muttered.
Phineas shrugged. “It’s not like we have a shortage of mortals in the world. Besides, this is about basic vampire liberties. We should be able to feed however we like. Angus and his sanctimonious friends—who the hell are they to decide what’s the right way for the rest of us to live our lives?”
“So you don’t see anything wrong with the so-called Malcontents?” Stone asked.
“No, of course not. They’re the ones who transformed me and gave me eternal life. I’m grateful for that.”
“But you worked for MacKay S and I for several years,” Stone reminded him. “They’re the number one enemy of the Malcontents.”
“I needed a paycheck, you know. I’m a young vampire, so I haven’t had centuries to acquire wealth like those rich old farts who ordered me around like a servant. But now that I have a new career, I can finally do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time.” Phineas glared at the camera. “Angus MacKay, you old turd, go to hell!”
Stone winced. “Those are strong words.”
“I mean it,” Phineas insisted. “All those Vamps make me sick. Acting so morally superior because they drink out of bottles while they go around murdering other vampires. They’re a bunch of hypocrites! Do you know they executed Casimir without even giving him a chance to surrender? What kind of shit is that?”
Stone shifted in his chair. “Well, I—”
“And you want to hear something really funny?” Phineas continued. “For the last couple of years, Angus thought one of the Malcontents, Stanislav Serpukhov, was betraying the Russian coven in Brooklyn and reporting to me. But the truth was, I was reporting to him.”
A series of gasps reverberated around the studio. Tiffany tilted her head with confusion, while Stone stared at him with his mouth open.
Phineas narrowed his eyes on the camera. “So you guys out there who’ve been trying to assassinate Stanislav, you need to stop. Cut it out. He’s not a traitor.”
Stone cleared his throat. “Are you saying you were a double agent?”
“Sure. No harm in letting out the big secret now that I’ve changed careers.” Phineas winked at the camera. “I like to live dangerously, you know.”
“I see.” Stone took a deep breath. “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. I’d like to thank our guests for coming and congratulate them once again for their phenomenal rise to stardom.”
“Yes!” Tiffany blew a kiss at the camera. “I’d like to thank all the little people for admiring me so much.”
“Thank you for watching DVN, the world’s leading vampire network,” Stone added with a bland smile.
“Cut!” Gordon announced. “Good work.” He gave Phineas a thumbs-up.
“You are living dangerously.” Stone stood as he unclipped his mike.
“It’ll be worth it.” Phineas handed his mike to the sound guy, then strode toward his brother, who was studying him with a puzzled frown.
“Wait for me!” Tiffany latched on to his arm.
“What the hell was that?” Freemont asked.
“I can explain.” Phineas motioned to Tiffany, who clung to his arm. “You wanted to meet my lovely costar? Tiffany, this is my brother and my agent, Da Freeze.”
“Hi!” She grinned at Freemont. “Aren’t you adorable! You look like Phineas, except younger and more . . . alive.” Her gaze drifted to his neck.
Freemont stepped back. “I just ate a bunch of garlic.”
She giggled.
“We need to go somewhere private,” Phineas said.
Tiffany’s eyes widened. “You want a threesome?”
“No, I need to talk to my brother.”
Freemont scowled at him. “Yeah, you do.”
“You—you don’t want me?” Tiffany’s shoulders slumped.
Phineas sighed. “All right. You can come, too.”
She perked up and grinned. “I know the perfect place. Come with me.”
She ushered them out of the studio and down the hall to an unmarked door. “This is a storage room for old costumes. I have secret rendezvous here all the time.”
Phineas followed her inside, flipped on the lights, and shut the door. “It’s not exactly a secret if you meet all the guys here.”
Freemont snorted, then strode down an aisle lined with crowded clothes racks on each side. He was pissed, Phineas could tell, but Phineas would deal with him later.
“Okay, Tiffany.” He grabbed her by the shoulders. “Listen to me good.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Yes, Dr. Phang?”
He dragged her hands off his shoulders. “You’re not having sex with me.”
“I’m not? Then . . . ?” Her gaze flitted toward Freemont, who turned left at the end of the aisle and disappeared behind a rack of clothes.
“No, not with him, either,” Phineas said. “Tiffany, look at me. You have a contract for three more Blardonnay commercials and a Vampos commercial. You don’t need to sleep around anymore.”
She stared at him blankly. “But it’s worked well—”
“Tiffany, you made it. Put your old life behind you, and let you talent shine through. You’re a success now, and you deserve it.”
She blinked and whispered, “I . . . deserve it?”
“Yes, you do.”
Her eyes glistened with tears. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever told me.”
Phineas gave her a wry smile. “I learned the hard way how easy it is to screw up your life when you don’t respect yourself.”
She nodded slowly. “Thank you, Dr. Phang.”
“Now off you go. I need to talk to my brother.”
“Testing, testing,” Stone said, and the sound guy gave him a thumbs-up. “Take a taxi, tally-ho.”
Phineas gave him a questioning look, then realized the newscaster was warming up.
“The voluptuous vampire ventured into the velvet night,” Stone announced in a serious tone. “Peter Potter from Poughkeepsie packs a pretty pickle in his pants.”
Phineas glanced at his brother who was being herded toward the back of the room. Freemont grinned at him and punched the air with his fist.
“Billy Baker bumped into a barmaid and barfed his Blissky on her bosom,” Stone continued, then lowered his voice to a soft whisper. “I hope this works.”
“It will.” Phineas shifted in his chair and unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. You can do this.
“Ten seconds,” Gordon announced, then held up his hand to show them five seconds, four, three, two, then he pointed his index finger at them.
They were live on the air.
Chapter Two
“Good evening.” Stone focused on the camera with the red glowing light. “Tonight, the Digital Vampire Network is proud to bring you the moment you’ve been waiting for—our special bonus feature.”
The red light blinked to a second camera, and Stone shifted his gaze. “As the threat of global Vampire Apocalypse fades into the sunset, the Undead have turned their attention to . . . something completely different. I’m referring to the latest sensation on DVN—not a show, but an advertisement for the most recent addition to Vampire Fusion Cuisine, a mixture of synthetic blood and Chardonnay called Blardonnay, which is, of course, manufactured by one of our sponsors, Romatech Industries.”
Stone motioned to his guests as the camera backed up for a wider shot. “It is my pleasure to introduce the actors from that commercial: Dr. Phang and Tiffany, otherwise known as the Blardonnay Guy and Girl.”
Tiffany giggled and waved at the camera, while Phineas smiled.
“Now that your acting careers have skyrocketed,” Stone continued, “can you tell us how your lives have changed?”
“Oh, I’m so happy now!” Tiffany clasped her hands together. “I’ve always known I was destined to be a star. I mean, when you look like this”—she twisted in her chair to strike a provocative pose—“it’s obvious you belong in front of a camera.”
“Indeed.” Stone’s face remained expressionless as he regarded her. “There is a theory that those who are extremely good-looking could also be considered more attractive.”
Phineas’s mouth twitched. “A bold theory, Stone.”
“Yes, I have been incredibly blessed, but”—Tiffany heaved a forlorn sigh that carried the added bonus of causing her breasts to heave—“unfortunately, beauty such as mine tends to be overwhelming. Some might even call it . . . a curse.” With a sniffle, she wiped away an imaginary tear.
Phineas struggled to keep a straight face as he patted Tiffany’s hand. “Buck up, sweetness. It’ll all be good.”
She leaned to the side to give him a hug, which mashed her breasts together. “You’re so wonderful, Dr. Phang. And I have to say that I’m ever so grateful to DVN for giving me this opportunity to show the vampire world how truly talented I am. Now everyone will know that I have much more to offer than an exquisitely beautiful face.”
Stone’s gaze flitted to her breasts. “Yes, I can tell you are truly gifted.”
“Why, thank you.” She giggled. “I’m just thrilled everyone is taking me seriously now.”
“You can say that again.” Phineas winked at her. As far as he knew, half the men at DVN had already taken Tiffany quite seriously. No way was he getting in line.
“And how about you, Dr. Phang?” Stone asked. “Has your life changed for the better?”
“Yes, it has. I was finally able to quit my old job.”
Stone nodded. “There’s a rumor going around DVN that you’ve agreed to play a role on one of our popular soap operas.”
“It’s not a rumor.” Phineas aimed a dashing grin at the camera. “I’m in contract negotiations to star on As the Vampire Turns.”
Tiffany squealed and latched on to his arm, leaning toward him for another hug. “Oh, Dr. Phang! I’m so happy for you.” She grinned at Stone. “I have good news, too. I was just hired to do a commercial for Vampos, the after-dinner mint that gets rid of blood breath.”
“And I plan to make more Blardonnay commercials,” Phineas added, then touched Tiffany’s hand. “With you, of course.”
“Oh yes, Dr. Phang! I just love working with you.” She squeezed his arm and gave the camera a dramatic look. “We’ve become very close.”
“Tell me, Dr. Phang,” Stone continued. “How did you acquire such an interesting name? Are you really a doctor?”
“I took on the name five years ago when I was transformed,” Phineas explained. “The title of doctor is honorary and refers to my high level of expertise in all manners of love.”
Stone’s face remained blank. “Indeed?”
“Yes. They call me the Love Doctor.” It was a load of crap that Phineas felt like he’d outgrown, but it probably fit his new persona of an up-and-coming, super-sexy star. “I don’t like to brag, you understand, but I’m naturally attuned to universal love vibrations, and that gives me an uncanny ability to sense a woman’s needs and fulfill her every desire.”
“Oh yes!” Tiffany pressed against his arm. “Nobody fulfills me like Dr. Phang.”
“You don’t say,” Stone continued. “Well, I can certainly attest to Dr. Phang’s newfound popularity. DVN has been flooded with calls and e-mails. The women love the way you look in a bath towel, and the men want to know if you have a special workout regimen.”
“He has a gorgeous chest,” Tiffany purred while she rubbed a hand over his tuxedo jacket.
Phineas grabbed her hand before she could get carried away. “I was already in good shape when I was transformed. I used to be a boxer.” And a drug dealer on the side, but he didn’t want his family to know about that. Hell, he didn’t want anyone to know.
“A boxer? How fascinating,” Stone continued in his bland voice. “You mentioned quitting a job. Weren’t you employed by MacKay Security and Investigation?”
Phineas nodded. Finally, Stone was getting to the point of the interview. “Yeah, I worked for Angus MacKay. For five lousy years.”
“Lousy?” Stone asked.
“You wouldn’t believe how lousy. Seven nights a week, no time off, no vacation. And no hazard pay! They ordered me to risk my life, over and over again, and for what? Minimum wage?”
For the first time, Stone’s face showed an expression. He frowned. “I didn’t realize Angus MacKay was a bad employer.”
“Bad?” Phineas snorted. “He’s the worst. And you know what really pisses me off? That he has the gall to pretend that he’s the good guy!”
Stone sat back with a stunned look. “You don’t believe Angus MacKay is a good guy?”
“Hell no! I tell you, the whole time I worked for him, I never saw any of his employees get killed. But boy did they slaughter a bunch of other vampires.”
“You’re referring to the Malcontents they killed in battle?” Stone asked.
Phineas waved a hand. “Angus calls them Malcontents, but I like to call them by their real name: the True Ones. I mean, since when is it a crime to stick to old traditions? The True Ones just want to be left alone so they can eat the old-fashioned way.”
“You mean feeding off mortals till they die,” Stone muttered.
Phineas shrugged. “It’s not like we have a shortage of mortals in the world. Besides, this is about basic vampire liberties. We should be able to feed however we like. Angus and his sanctimonious friends—who the hell are they to decide what’s the right way for the rest of us to live our lives?”
“So you don’t see anything wrong with the so-called Malcontents?” Stone asked.
“No, of course not. They’re the ones who transformed me and gave me eternal life. I’m grateful for that.”
“But you worked for MacKay S and I for several years,” Stone reminded him. “They’re the number one enemy of the Malcontents.”
“I needed a paycheck, you know. I’m a young vampire, so I haven’t had centuries to acquire wealth like those rich old farts who ordered me around like a servant. But now that I have a new career, I can finally do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time.” Phineas glared at the camera. “Angus MacKay, you old turd, go to hell!”
Stone winced. “Those are strong words.”
“I mean it,” Phineas insisted. “All those Vamps make me sick. Acting so morally superior because they drink out of bottles while they go around murdering other vampires. They’re a bunch of hypocrites! Do you know they executed Casimir without even giving him a chance to surrender? What kind of shit is that?”
Stone shifted in his chair. “Well, I—”
“And you want to hear something really funny?” Phineas continued. “For the last couple of years, Angus thought one of the Malcontents, Stanislav Serpukhov, was betraying the Russian coven in Brooklyn and reporting to me. But the truth was, I was reporting to him.”
A series of gasps reverberated around the studio. Tiffany tilted her head with confusion, while Stone stared at him with his mouth open.
Phineas narrowed his eyes on the camera. “So you guys out there who’ve been trying to assassinate Stanislav, you need to stop. Cut it out. He’s not a traitor.”
Stone cleared his throat. “Are you saying you were a double agent?”
“Sure. No harm in letting out the big secret now that I’ve changed careers.” Phineas winked at the camera. “I like to live dangerously, you know.”
“I see.” Stone took a deep breath. “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. I’d like to thank our guests for coming and congratulate them once again for their phenomenal rise to stardom.”
“Yes!” Tiffany blew a kiss at the camera. “I’d like to thank all the little people for admiring me so much.”
“Thank you for watching DVN, the world’s leading vampire network,” Stone added with a bland smile.
“Cut!” Gordon announced. “Good work.” He gave Phineas a thumbs-up.
“You are living dangerously.” Stone stood as he unclipped his mike.
“It’ll be worth it.” Phineas handed his mike to the sound guy, then strode toward his brother, who was studying him with a puzzled frown.
“Wait for me!” Tiffany latched on to his arm.
“What the hell was that?” Freemont asked.
“I can explain.” Phineas motioned to Tiffany, who clung to his arm. “You wanted to meet my lovely costar? Tiffany, this is my brother and my agent, Da Freeze.”
“Hi!” She grinned at Freemont. “Aren’t you adorable! You look like Phineas, except younger and more . . . alive.” Her gaze drifted to his neck.
Freemont stepped back. “I just ate a bunch of garlic.”
She giggled.
“We need to go somewhere private,” Phineas said.
Tiffany’s eyes widened. “You want a threesome?”
“No, I need to talk to my brother.”
Freemont scowled at him. “Yeah, you do.”
“You—you don’t want me?” Tiffany’s shoulders slumped.
Phineas sighed. “All right. You can come, too.”
She perked up and grinned. “I know the perfect place. Come with me.”
She ushered them out of the studio and down the hall to an unmarked door. “This is a storage room for old costumes. I have secret rendezvous here all the time.”
Phineas followed her inside, flipped on the lights, and shut the door. “It’s not exactly a secret if you meet all the guys here.”
Freemont snorted, then strode down an aisle lined with crowded clothes racks on each side. He was pissed, Phineas could tell, but Phineas would deal with him later.
“Okay, Tiffany.” He grabbed her by the shoulders. “Listen to me good.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Yes, Dr. Phang?”
He dragged her hands off his shoulders. “You’re not having sex with me.”
“I’m not? Then . . . ?” Her gaze flitted toward Freemont, who turned left at the end of the aisle and disappeared behind a rack of clothes.
“No, not with him, either,” Phineas said. “Tiffany, look at me. You have a contract for three more Blardonnay commercials and a Vampos commercial. You don’t need to sleep around anymore.”
She stared at him blankly. “But it’s worked well—”
“Tiffany, you made it. Put your old life behind you, and let you talent shine through. You’re a success now, and you deserve it.”
She blinked and whispered, “I . . . deserve it?”
“Yes, you do.”
Her eyes glistened with tears. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever told me.”
Phineas gave her a wry smile. “I learned the hard way how easy it is to screw up your life when you don’t respect yourself.”
She nodded slowly. “Thank you, Dr. Phang.”
“Now off you go. I need to talk to my brother.”
