Warmth in Ice
Page 13
But Clay was worth it.
I had gotten two paychecks and had saved all of my tips. I already had enough money for the plane ticket to Florida. Now it was just a matter of getting my parents on board with the plan.
I would be going home for Thanksgiving and I planned to drop the bomb then. I knew my mom was feeling her empty nest but this bird was gonna fly. All the way to Florida for Christmas.
I hadn’t said a word to Clay yet. We hadn’t mentioned my visiting since our argument before fall break. The undercurrent of tension was still there. It was palpable and laced every conversation.
Clay was more abrupt and less willing to engage in long conversations than he had been before. I felt the boy I loved drifting away, just as he had promised me he wouldn’t do.
I would sometimes bring up the distance I was feeling and Clay would apologize, telling me that he loved me and that he had a lot going on. But I was starting to doubt his words.
Which is why this trip to see him was so important. I needed it to reassure Clay. To reassure myself. To solidify the connection that was so essential to both of us.
I had called Ruby and told her of my plans. She was excited and thought it was a wonderful idea. She had originally planned to drive up to see Clay for Christmas. But she thought it would be nice for us to have that time together. Instead, she would drive up December 26th.
She agreed to not say a word to Clay about her change in travel plans. Both of us knew how this could have catastrophic effects on his tenuous recovery.
Clay’s feelings of abandonment triggered extremely negative reactions. And that was the last thing we wanted when he was trying so hard to get better.
“Hey,” Clay said tiredly when I called him just before Thanksgiving break. I had a mountain of classwork to get through but I had needed to hear his voice. I was supposed to work tonight and could have used a nap but that would have to wait. Something had been nagging at me the entire day. An inexplicable sense of dread that I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Hey, is everything all right?” I asked, trying not to sound as concerned as I was actually feeling. Lately, Clay had been sounding increasingly more tired and stressed. He had decided to take a few classes at the community college. And while I thought this was a step in the right direction for him, he didn’t seem to be embracing his life the way I had hoped.
In fact he sounded entirely too much like the boy he had been when we had first gotten together. The boy I had held after he had destroyed his bedroom and collapsed on the floor. A boy I never wanted to see again. I couldn’t help but worry about how he was coping. Clay’s demons were even more frightening now that I wasn’t there to help him fend them off.
Clay sighed. “No, not really,” he answered and my heart seized. The despair in his voice terrified me. The all too familiar knot in my stomach made itself known.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked softly, my words barely above a whisper.
“I got a letter from my parents’ attorney today.”
I grit my teeth. His parents. Shit. Why can’t those people leave him alone? It seemed they had a “let’s screw with our son’s head now that he’s feeling good” radar. I had never encountered such a cold and unloving pair of people in my entire life. I hated them with a ferocity that bordered on violence.
“What?” I rasped.
“Well, it was a more of a check with a letter stating I was not to have any further contact with them. It was a f**king pay off, Mags. They want me to stay out of their lives.” He sounded defeated and I had never hated the distance between us as much as I did in that moment.
“I’m so sorry, Clay-” I began but he cut me off with a harsh bark of laughter.
“Don’t be sorry, Maggie. I don’t want them in my life anymore than they want me in theirs. I’m not surprised. I kind of figured by the lack of communication in the last year that I was cut from the will.” He laughed again and the sound sent chills down my spine.
Because for all of Clay’s brave words, I knew this hurt him deeply. What child wanted reaffirming proof that their parents didn’t love them? We all possessed a fundamental need for our parents’ approval and affection. The root of Clay’s problems rested solely on the inhuman people who had callously given him life and then left him to fend for himself.
He tried so hard to move past the emotional isolation and neglect that had defined his childhood. But I knew without a doubt, that this ripped him apart. Because there was still that small boy inside that yearned for a love he’d never have.
“The only people who will ultimately suffer because of that, are them, Clay. They are missing out on the opportunity to know and love a remarkable person. You are beautiful and amazing and that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. You have become who you are because of your strength and determination in spite of their despicable actions,” I said emphatically, hoping he’d hear me.
Clay was silent, not saying a word. “You have Ruby, you have me. You have people who love you so much. So take that f**king money and put it toward going to school, toward building a future that means something. Shut the door on them for good,” I urged, trying not to sound panicked.
“Fuck their money, Maggie! Fuck them! I don’t want a god damned cent from those people!” he yelled and I winced at his anger. “Five hundred thousand dollars! That’s the price they place on cutting me out of their lives. The bounty on my head, Maggie! Now they can wipe their hands of me and my constant f**king disappointments!” he screamed.
I had gotten two paychecks and had saved all of my tips. I already had enough money for the plane ticket to Florida. Now it was just a matter of getting my parents on board with the plan.
I would be going home for Thanksgiving and I planned to drop the bomb then. I knew my mom was feeling her empty nest but this bird was gonna fly. All the way to Florida for Christmas.
I hadn’t said a word to Clay yet. We hadn’t mentioned my visiting since our argument before fall break. The undercurrent of tension was still there. It was palpable and laced every conversation.
Clay was more abrupt and less willing to engage in long conversations than he had been before. I felt the boy I loved drifting away, just as he had promised me he wouldn’t do.
I would sometimes bring up the distance I was feeling and Clay would apologize, telling me that he loved me and that he had a lot going on. But I was starting to doubt his words.
Which is why this trip to see him was so important. I needed it to reassure Clay. To reassure myself. To solidify the connection that was so essential to both of us.
I had called Ruby and told her of my plans. She was excited and thought it was a wonderful idea. She had originally planned to drive up to see Clay for Christmas. But she thought it would be nice for us to have that time together. Instead, she would drive up December 26th.
She agreed to not say a word to Clay about her change in travel plans. Both of us knew how this could have catastrophic effects on his tenuous recovery.
Clay’s feelings of abandonment triggered extremely negative reactions. And that was the last thing we wanted when he was trying so hard to get better.
“Hey,” Clay said tiredly when I called him just before Thanksgiving break. I had a mountain of classwork to get through but I had needed to hear his voice. I was supposed to work tonight and could have used a nap but that would have to wait. Something had been nagging at me the entire day. An inexplicable sense of dread that I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Hey, is everything all right?” I asked, trying not to sound as concerned as I was actually feeling. Lately, Clay had been sounding increasingly more tired and stressed. He had decided to take a few classes at the community college. And while I thought this was a step in the right direction for him, he didn’t seem to be embracing his life the way I had hoped.
In fact he sounded entirely too much like the boy he had been when we had first gotten together. The boy I had held after he had destroyed his bedroom and collapsed on the floor. A boy I never wanted to see again. I couldn’t help but worry about how he was coping. Clay’s demons were even more frightening now that I wasn’t there to help him fend them off.
Clay sighed. “No, not really,” he answered and my heart seized. The despair in his voice terrified me. The all too familiar knot in my stomach made itself known.
“Why? What’s going on?” I asked softly, my words barely above a whisper.
“I got a letter from my parents’ attorney today.”
I grit my teeth. His parents. Shit. Why can’t those people leave him alone? It seemed they had a “let’s screw with our son’s head now that he’s feeling good” radar. I had never encountered such a cold and unloving pair of people in my entire life. I hated them with a ferocity that bordered on violence.
“What?” I rasped.
“Well, it was a more of a check with a letter stating I was not to have any further contact with them. It was a f**king pay off, Mags. They want me to stay out of their lives.” He sounded defeated and I had never hated the distance between us as much as I did in that moment.
“I’m so sorry, Clay-” I began but he cut me off with a harsh bark of laughter.
“Don’t be sorry, Maggie. I don’t want them in my life anymore than they want me in theirs. I’m not surprised. I kind of figured by the lack of communication in the last year that I was cut from the will.” He laughed again and the sound sent chills down my spine.
Because for all of Clay’s brave words, I knew this hurt him deeply. What child wanted reaffirming proof that their parents didn’t love them? We all possessed a fundamental need for our parents’ approval and affection. The root of Clay’s problems rested solely on the inhuman people who had callously given him life and then left him to fend for himself.
He tried so hard to move past the emotional isolation and neglect that had defined his childhood. But I knew without a doubt, that this ripped him apart. Because there was still that small boy inside that yearned for a love he’d never have.
“The only people who will ultimately suffer because of that, are them, Clay. They are missing out on the opportunity to know and love a remarkable person. You are beautiful and amazing and that has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. You have become who you are because of your strength and determination in spite of their despicable actions,” I said emphatically, hoping he’d hear me.
Clay was silent, not saying a word. “You have Ruby, you have me. You have people who love you so much. So take that f**king money and put it toward going to school, toward building a future that means something. Shut the door on them for good,” I urged, trying not to sound panicked.
“Fuck their money, Maggie! Fuck them! I don’t want a god damned cent from those people!” he yelled and I winced at his anger. “Five hundred thousand dollars! That’s the price they place on cutting me out of their lives. The bounty on my head, Maggie! Now they can wipe their hands of me and my constant f**king disappointments!” he screamed.
