Warmth in Ice
Page 18
Because my world did revolve around Maggie. It always had since the moment I met her. Dr. Cary didn’t understand how things were between us. Just because she had a few letters after her name didn’t make her the expert on my relationship.
I was ready to dismiss this entire conversation out right. But her next words sank in. And they sank in deep.
“You told me you left Maggie once because you thought it was the right thing for her. Right now, you have to let her live her life and you need to focus on your own. If you spend your time divided, you will never be whole. Use this time apart to create something for you. If what you have with Maggie is as strong as it seems, then it will be there when you’ve done that. But the biggest part of your outpatient treatment is to do things that are good for your health and your progress. To build a positive life for you. And once that happens, then you can share it with another person.”
“Walk slowly with Maggie. The two of you jumped from A to Z rather quickly. Now it’s time to take a step back and learn all the other letters. See the distance between you not as a barrier but as a way to do things the right way,” Dr. Cary said with a smile.
I nodded. I thought it was time I learned what the right way looked like.
“And remember to be open and honest. It is the most important component of any relationship. If you’re feeling insecure or unsure, tell her. Listen to Maggie if she is upset. If you have that foundation of trust, then the rest falls into place naturally,” Dr. Cary said.
I felt a flare of guilt because I had planned to keep Maria’s upcoming visit to myself. I didn’t want to rock an already floundering boat. But Dr. Cary was right, if things were going to work between Maggie and me in the forever sense, I had to be honest. I had to take things slow. And I had to be comfortable with letting her finding her way…by herself.
“I have to tell you something,” I said after I called Maggie later that night.
Maggie was quiet and I realized how I came across. God knows what those words sounded like to her.
“What?” she asked quietly.
“Maria called me,” I told her and then waited.
But the reaction I received wasn’t anything that I had been expecting.
Maggie started laughing.
Huh?
“Uh, what’s so funny?” I asked, completely confused.
Maggie snorted. “Jesus, Clay, I thought you were going to tell me something really horrible. I mean, Maria sucks, but shit…okay…” Maggie started laughing again and I started laughing with her.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just thought you’d be pissed,” I said once she had calmed down.
“Pissed? Why would I be pissed?” she asked.
Had I entered some crazy chick alternate universe? Or was I walking into a trap without realizing it?
“Because Maria was a bitch to you? Because she made it obvious she wanted to sleep with me? Because you have every right to ask me not to see her?” I supplied.
I could almost see Maggie rolling her eyes. “Clay, Maria’s got some f**ked up issues. I get that. But I trust you. Yeah, I don’t trust her, but that doesn’t matter. She’s not my boyfriend. You are.”
I sagged in relief, not sure I deserved her understanding. “If it were Jake calling you, I’d be f**king livid,” I admitted, feeling ashamed.
Maggie didn’t say anything for a moment. “Yeah, well, that has more to do with the things you’re dealing with than with me or our relationship. You know you’re the only guy in my life. So sure, you’d be angry, but I would hope you’d trust me to be faithful to you,” she said quietly.
Trust. Such a hard thing to give when you had been burned so much in your life. But if being with Maggie and living with Ruby had taught me anything it was that there were people in your life that you could trust.
“I don’t deserve you,” I said quietly.
“Clay, when will you realize that you deserve the world?”
7
I shoved a few more shirts into my suitcase. I tried to make room but it was already extremely over packed. My plane left for Florida tomorrow morning, Christmas Eve.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous as hell. Clay still had no idea I was coming. I had received a package in the mail yesterday from him. My Christmas present I assumed. I took it out of the box and put the still wrapped gift in my suitcase along with the things I had gotten for both he and Ruby.
I had been home for two weeks. My parents hadn’t been thrilled when I said I’d be spending Christmas in Florida with Clay. My dad had shot down the idea the second I mentioned it over Thanksgiving break.
“Clay lives in a group home! There is absolutely no way you are staying with him there!” my dad had said vehemently. He turned an alarming shade of purple when I said we’d be staying in a hotel instead because overnight visitors in the group home were prohibited.
My mom had stepped in and tried to put on the parental guilt trip. “But it’s your first Christmas in college. We’ve missed you so much, we just want to spend the holidays with our little girl,” she had reasoned.
I had almost caved. My parents knew exactly what buttons to push to make me feel like an ungrateful child. But I stuck to my guns. “I’ve been working to save up for the ticket. I haven’t seen Clay since June. I plan to go whether you are okay with it or not. But I’d prefer for you to be okay with it.” I had been so proud of how strong I sounded. Maggie Young was pulling up her big girl panties!
I was ready to dismiss this entire conversation out right. But her next words sank in. And they sank in deep.
“You told me you left Maggie once because you thought it was the right thing for her. Right now, you have to let her live her life and you need to focus on your own. If you spend your time divided, you will never be whole. Use this time apart to create something for you. If what you have with Maggie is as strong as it seems, then it will be there when you’ve done that. But the biggest part of your outpatient treatment is to do things that are good for your health and your progress. To build a positive life for you. And once that happens, then you can share it with another person.”
“Walk slowly with Maggie. The two of you jumped from A to Z rather quickly. Now it’s time to take a step back and learn all the other letters. See the distance between you not as a barrier but as a way to do things the right way,” Dr. Cary said with a smile.
I nodded. I thought it was time I learned what the right way looked like.
“And remember to be open and honest. It is the most important component of any relationship. If you’re feeling insecure or unsure, tell her. Listen to Maggie if she is upset. If you have that foundation of trust, then the rest falls into place naturally,” Dr. Cary said.
I felt a flare of guilt because I had planned to keep Maria’s upcoming visit to myself. I didn’t want to rock an already floundering boat. But Dr. Cary was right, if things were going to work between Maggie and me in the forever sense, I had to be honest. I had to take things slow. And I had to be comfortable with letting her finding her way…by herself.
“I have to tell you something,” I said after I called Maggie later that night.
Maggie was quiet and I realized how I came across. God knows what those words sounded like to her.
“What?” she asked quietly.
“Maria called me,” I told her and then waited.
But the reaction I received wasn’t anything that I had been expecting.
Maggie started laughing.
Huh?
“Uh, what’s so funny?” I asked, completely confused.
Maggie snorted. “Jesus, Clay, I thought you were going to tell me something really horrible. I mean, Maria sucks, but shit…okay…” Maggie started laughing again and I started laughing with her.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just thought you’d be pissed,” I said once she had calmed down.
“Pissed? Why would I be pissed?” she asked.
Had I entered some crazy chick alternate universe? Or was I walking into a trap without realizing it?
“Because Maria was a bitch to you? Because she made it obvious she wanted to sleep with me? Because you have every right to ask me not to see her?” I supplied.
I could almost see Maggie rolling her eyes. “Clay, Maria’s got some f**ked up issues. I get that. But I trust you. Yeah, I don’t trust her, but that doesn’t matter. She’s not my boyfriend. You are.”
I sagged in relief, not sure I deserved her understanding. “If it were Jake calling you, I’d be f**king livid,” I admitted, feeling ashamed.
Maggie didn’t say anything for a moment. “Yeah, well, that has more to do with the things you’re dealing with than with me or our relationship. You know you’re the only guy in my life. So sure, you’d be angry, but I would hope you’d trust me to be faithful to you,” she said quietly.
Trust. Such a hard thing to give when you had been burned so much in your life. But if being with Maggie and living with Ruby had taught me anything it was that there were people in your life that you could trust.
“I don’t deserve you,” I said quietly.
“Clay, when will you realize that you deserve the world?”
7
I shoved a few more shirts into my suitcase. I tried to make room but it was already extremely over packed. My plane left for Florida tomorrow morning, Christmas Eve.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous as hell. Clay still had no idea I was coming. I had received a package in the mail yesterday from him. My Christmas present I assumed. I took it out of the box and put the still wrapped gift in my suitcase along with the things I had gotten for both he and Ruby.
I had been home for two weeks. My parents hadn’t been thrilled when I said I’d be spending Christmas in Florida with Clay. My dad had shot down the idea the second I mentioned it over Thanksgiving break.
“Clay lives in a group home! There is absolutely no way you are staying with him there!” my dad had said vehemently. He turned an alarming shade of purple when I said we’d be staying in a hotel instead because overnight visitors in the group home were prohibited.
My mom had stepped in and tried to put on the parental guilt trip. “But it’s your first Christmas in college. We’ve missed you so much, we just want to spend the holidays with our little girl,” she had reasoned.
I had almost caved. My parents knew exactly what buttons to push to make me feel like an ungrateful child. But I stuck to my guns. “I’ve been working to save up for the ticket. I haven’t seen Clay since June. I plan to go whether you are okay with it or not. But I’d prefer for you to be okay with it.” I had been so proud of how strong I sounded. Maggie Young was pulling up her big girl panties!
