Warmth in Ice
Page 4
I felt like the worst kind of masochist for denying myself the one thing I needed most. All it took was Maggie and everything was perfect.
But I guess that was the point of all this. Because I needed to find a way for my life to make sense with or without the girl I loved. My world would always revolve around Maggie May Young but I desperately needed to become the guy who wouldn’t fall apart without her.
She had been my fix for so long and it wasn’t fair to put the entire fate of my mental health squarely on her shoulders. Existing like that was unhealthy and toxic. And she deserved so much more than that. So much more than what I had always given her.
“Well, you had better toe the line then. I think I like the sounds of this Roberta. She’s my kind of woman,” Maggie giggled and the last threads of unease slipped away.
Because she and I were in this together.
“How about the roommates? What are they like?” she asked and I could hear her banging things around over the phone.
“Great if you like the whole looks like a serial killer and refuses to make eye contact thing,” I said dryly.
“Just give ‘em a chance. You’ll be watching The Jersey Shore and braiding each others’ hair in no time,” Maggie joked and I snorted and decided to change the subject. We spent way too much time focusing on my stuff.
“When are you leaving?” I asked her, trying not to feel selfishly unhappy with the thought of my girlfriend heading off to college without me. Maggie had kept me involved with every detail as she prepared to leave for James Madison University.
It was our pact to each other. That no matter what, no matter how far apart we were, we’d share everything. There wasn’t a single piece of our lives that was off limits. This total inclusion was necessary for our relationship, which was still growing out of a shaky foundation.
We talked about the small stuff like her matching comforter and pillows (which she was really excited about, even if I didn’t understand what was so awesome about pink and brown circles on a blanket) and the new laptop her parents got her. This opened up our world to Skyping. Which was both incredible and gut wrenchingly painful. Because seeing her face made my days that much better. But not being able to touch her was the closest thing to torture I had ever experienced.
We’d also talk about the big stuff like how scared she was to leave home and live on her own. How she worried that she’d hate her new roommate. And the fact that this would be the first time in her entire life she wouldn’t see Rachel and Daniel every single day.
And we’d talked endlessly about the future. What it would look like and how we’d make it all work just so we could be together.
There were voices in the background as Maggie answered me. “Tomorrow morning. Mom’s a mess; Dad has inventoried my school supplies at least a dozen times. They’re driving me sort of crazy. I really wish you were here,” she said softly.
My throat tightened and I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t f**king cry. “I wish I was there too, baby. So much,” I half whispered, half sobbed into the phone. Maggie made a whimpering noise and I knew she was feeling this desperate separation as much as I was.
“We’ll get through this won’t we? I mean, this will all work out in the end and these miles between us will one day be a bad dream. Promise me,” she pleaded and I took a deep breath in through my nose.
“I promise, Maggie. We’ll get through this. You need to go to school and kick ass. I’ll do what I have to do down here. I’m going to follow this plan step by step and we’ll be together before you know it,” I told her, feeling the truth even as that tangly, dark place inside of me wanted to hijack it with uncertainty.
Because for now she was my entire reason and until I could find one for myself that was enough.
“Danny and Rachel are here. We’re going out to dinner and then to see a movie. They leave in the morning too,” Maggie told me and I recognized the sound of her friends.
“Tell them I said hey and good luck,” I said sincerely. I would always love Rachel and Daniel for the simple reason that they loved my girl.
“I will.” Maggie paused before continuing, “I miss you. So much,” she let out in a rush and I knew she felt guilty for exposing her vulnerability over the phone knowing there wasn’t a thing either of us could do about it.
But I missed her just as much, if not more, and that wouldn’t go away until we were together again.
“I miss you too. More than the moon misses the stars,” I said, laying the cheese on extra thick. I could practically hear Maggie’s smile over the phone.
“More than the waves miss the beach,” she added, laughing.
“More than a hamburger misses ketchup,” I chuckled.
“You are such a sap, Clayton Reed. All of this mush is making me want to vomit a little,” she said making a gagging noise.
“You love it,” I teased.
“No, I love you,” Maggie breathed out quietly, three words just for me.
“I love you Maggie May Young. For forever.”
2
How was I going to be expected to live in a room the size of my parents’ closet? This had hyperventilation written all over it. How could to people co-exist in such confined living conditions without resorting to base level brutality in order to survive?
There was no way I was going to fit half of the stuff I brought with me from home in here! I was freaking out! I was so freaking the hell out!
My dad dropped a heavy hand onto my shoulder and looked around. Mom was still down in the car, needing the extra minute to compose herself before leaving her “baby” all alone at big bad college.
But I guess that was the point of all this. Because I needed to find a way for my life to make sense with or without the girl I loved. My world would always revolve around Maggie May Young but I desperately needed to become the guy who wouldn’t fall apart without her.
She had been my fix for so long and it wasn’t fair to put the entire fate of my mental health squarely on her shoulders. Existing like that was unhealthy and toxic. And she deserved so much more than that. So much more than what I had always given her.
“Well, you had better toe the line then. I think I like the sounds of this Roberta. She’s my kind of woman,” Maggie giggled and the last threads of unease slipped away.
Because she and I were in this together.
“How about the roommates? What are they like?” she asked and I could hear her banging things around over the phone.
“Great if you like the whole looks like a serial killer and refuses to make eye contact thing,” I said dryly.
“Just give ‘em a chance. You’ll be watching The Jersey Shore and braiding each others’ hair in no time,” Maggie joked and I snorted and decided to change the subject. We spent way too much time focusing on my stuff.
“When are you leaving?” I asked her, trying not to feel selfishly unhappy with the thought of my girlfriend heading off to college without me. Maggie had kept me involved with every detail as she prepared to leave for James Madison University.
It was our pact to each other. That no matter what, no matter how far apart we were, we’d share everything. There wasn’t a single piece of our lives that was off limits. This total inclusion was necessary for our relationship, which was still growing out of a shaky foundation.
We talked about the small stuff like her matching comforter and pillows (which she was really excited about, even if I didn’t understand what was so awesome about pink and brown circles on a blanket) and the new laptop her parents got her. This opened up our world to Skyping. Which was both incredible and gut wrenchingly painful. Because seeing her face made my days that much better. But not being able to touch her was the closest thing to torture I had ever experienced.
We’d also talk about the big stuff like how scared she was to leave home and live on her own. How she worried that she’d hate her new roommate. And the fact that this would be the first time in her entire life she wouldn’t see Rachel and Daniel every single day.
And we’d talked endlessly about the future. What it would look like and how we’d make it all work just so we could be together.
There were voices in the background as Maggie answered me. “Tomorrow morning. Mom’s a mess; Dad has inventoried my school supplies at least a dozen times. They’re driving me sort of crazy. I really wish you were here,” she said softly.
My throat tightened and I had to close my eyes so I wouldn’t f**king cry. “I wish I was there too, baby. So much,” I half whispered, half sobbed into the phone. Maggie made a whimpering noise and I knew she was feeling this desperate separation as much as I was.
“We’ll get through this won’t we? I mean, this will all work out in the end and these miles between us will one day be a bad dream. Promise me,” she pleaded and I took a deep breath in through my nose.
“I promise, Maggie. We’ll get through this. You need to go to school and kick ass. I’ll do what I have to do down here. I’m going to follow this plan step by step and we’ll be together before you know it,” I told her, feeling the truth even as that tangly, dark place inside of me wanted to hijack it with uncertainty.
Because for now she was my entire reason and until I could find one for myself that was enough.
“Danny and Rachel are here. We’re going out to dinner and then to see a movie. They leave in the morning too,” Maggie told me and I recognized the sound of her friends.
“Tell them I said hey and good luck,” I said sincerely. I would always love Rachel and Daniel for the simple reason that they loved my girl.
“I will.” Maggie paused before continuing, “I miss you. So much,” she let out in a rush and I knew she felt guilty for exposing her vulnerability over the phone knowing there wasn’t a thing either of us could do about it.
But I missed her just as much, if not more, and that wouldn’t go away until we were together again.
“I miss you too. More than the moon misses the stars,” I said, laying the cheese on extra thick. I could practically hear Maggie’s smile over the phone.
“More than the waves miss the beach,” she added, laughing.
“More than a hamburger misses ketchup,” I chuckled.
“You are such a sap, Clayton Reed. All of this mush is making me want to vomit a little,” she said making a gagging noise.
“You love it,” I teased.
“No, I love you,” Maggie breathed out quietly, three words just for me.
“I love you Maggie May Young. For forever.”
2
How was I going to be expected to live in a room the size of my parents’ closet? This had hyperventilation written all over it. How could to people co-exist in such confined living conditions without resorting to base level brutality in order to survive?
There was no way I was going to fit half of the stuff I brought with me from home in here! I was freaking out! I was so freaking the hell out!
My dad dropped a heavy hand onto my shoulder and looked around. Mom was still down in the car, needing the extra minute to compose herself before leaving her “baby” all alone at big bad college.
