Watermelon
Page 93
"Well, yes, but you see--"
"I just don't believe it," he interrupted angrily. "You're an intelligent woman--a very intelligent woman--and you let this idiot put you down.
"What did he tell you?" continued Adam, in full flight. "Let me see. He needed sex while you were pregnant but you couldn't oblige? Hmmm? Was that it?"
"No," I said in a little voice.
"Or that you were far too focused on the impending baby
326
and he felt ignored and crowded out and had to go elsewhere for affection?"
"No, not that either," I told him, thankful that he hadn't come across the right reason yet.
"It's pretty obvious that you're not going to tell me exactly why it's your fault," he stormed, "but you can be damn sure that it's not your fault. Why are you letting him manipulate you like this?"
And well you might ask, I thought. Good point. Why was I letting him manipulate me like this? Oh, yes, I remember.
"Because it was so good once that it's worth trying again," I told Adam. But it sounded insincere and feeble, even to me.
"And Adam," I continued tremulously, "I really had a lovely time with you. You made me feel beautiful and special and worthwhile again."
"Anytime," he said sarcastically.
"Oh, please don't be angry with me," I said sadly. "I'm really sorry. I really am. I've got no choice. I've got to do this."
"You do have a choice," he said.
"I don't," I replied. "Apart from anything else, what about Kate?"
"So you're going to go back to some awful relationship with a man who doesn't respect you or care for you just because of Kate," he said.
"He does care about me," I protested.
"He has a funny way of showing it," said Adam.
"Look, is there any chance we can be friends?" I asked Adam, trying desperately to salvage something from all this unpleasantness.
"No."
"Why not?" I asked frantically.
"Because I can't believe I'm talking to the same woman I was with on Sunday night. I thought that one was intelligent and had self-respect and knew what she wanted."
"I am intelligent. I do have self-respect," I said almost in tears. I had to convince him. I didn't want to lose him. I knew that there could be no ro- mance with Adam. Not now. But I still thought he was wonderful and I wanted so badly to be his friend.
"Anyway," he sighed, "I can't be friends with you. Because
327
I want so much more from you. And I bet you couldn't be friends with me either. We're too attracted to each other."
"Well, if we can't be friends, then we can't be anything," I said. It was killing me, but I had to say it. I couldn't go back to James while I still carried a torch for Adam. A clean, honest break was less painful in the long run.
But I was hoping to call his bluff. Because I wasn't prepared for what he said next.
"Then we can't be anything," he said stiffly.
Panic swept over me.
At the tone of his voice. At the realization that he was so disappointed in me. At the thought of never seeing him again.
"Can I have your phone number?" I blurted out.
I couldn't bear the idea of just ending things with him now. I was clinging on, hoping that he might be nice to me.
Hoping that if he said he was still my friend, it would prove I was doing the right thing.
"No," he said in a voice that brooked no argument.
"Why not?" I asked, brooking an argument anyway. Whatever that means.
"Because what would you need it for?" he asked.
"To call you," I said.
"What would you want to call me for?" he asked.
"To talk to you," I said, almost crying. "I don't want to lose you."
"Claire," he sighed, "don't be stupid. You've made your decision. You're going to London to live with another man. You can't have us both. There's no point in you calling me to talk to me. We're not going to be friends. End of story."
"There's really nothing else I can say, is there?" I said sadly, realizing that I wasn't going to get what I wanted. He was not going to give me his blessing.
Why on earth should he?
"No," he said.
"I've let you down, haven't I?" I asked.
"You've let yourself down," he said coldly.
"I've disappointed you, haven't I?" I said, unable to stop myself from rubbing salt into the wounds.
"Yes, you've...disappointed me," he said after a little hesitation.
328
"Well, um...take care," I said, feeling foolish. Wanting to say so much. But being unable to say anything except platitudes.
"I will," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said, feeling wretched.
"Not as sorry as I am," he said.
And he hung up.
I stayed standing by the phone for a while. Feeling like my heart was breaking. And feeling terrible fear. Had I made a terrible mistake?
Was I standing at a turning point in my life? Was I really important to Adam?
But did it matter? Because I had decided on the direction I was going in.
But was it the right one?
How could I know?
My head was spinning. I felt frightened and out of control.
Two possible lives were being offered to me. The one with James. And maybe one with Adam.
Was I throwing the wrong one away? Had I misunderstood my destiny? Was the break-up with James meant to happen so that I could meet Adam and be a lot happier? Had I been given pain so that I would grow strong?
Had I misunderstood all the signs?
Had I gotten everything wrong?
But it was too late. I had made my decision. And I was going to go through with it. I'd make myself crazy if I kept changing my mind.
My future was with James. Adam no longer existed in my life.
I was probably just a good lay for Adam. Well, I liked to think that I was a good one. But maybe it was just about sex.
But, then again, maybe it wasn't.
What should I do then?
I had to get over him. I would get over him.
Of course I would.
I had only known him about three weeks.
It's just that, well, you know...he had an effect on me. He touched me in an unexpected way. He made me feel like
"I just don't believe it," he interrupted angrily. "You're an intelligent woman--a very intelligent woman--and you let this idiot put you down.
"What did he tell you?" continued Adam, in full flight. "Let me see. He needed sex while you were pregnant but you couldn't oblige? Hmmm? Was that it?"
"No," I said in a little voice.
"Or that you were far too focused on the impending baby
326
and he felt ignored and crowded out and had to go elsewhere for affection?"
"No, not that either," I told him, thankful that he hadn't come across the right reason yet.
"It's pretty obvious that you're not going to tell me exactly why it's your fault," he stormed, "but you can be damn sure that it's not your fault. Why are you letting him manipulate you like this?"
And well you might ask, I thought. Good point. Why was I letting him manipulate me like this? Oh, yes, I remember.
"Because it was so good once that it's worth trying again," I told Adam. But it sounded insincere and feeble, even to me.
"And Adam," I continued tremulously, "I really had a lovely time with you. You made me feel beautiful and special and worthwhile again."
"Anytime," he said sarcastically.
"Oh, please don't be angry with me," I said sadly. "I'm really sorry. I really am. I've got no choice. I've got to do this."
"You do have a choice," he said.
"I don't," I replied. "Apart from anything else, what about Kate?"
"So you're going to go back to some awful relationship with a man who doesn't respect you or care for you just because of Kate," he said.
"He does care about me," I protested.
"He has a funny way of showing it," said Adam.
"Look, is there any chance we can be friends?" I asked Adam, trying desperately to salvage something from all this unpleasantness.
"No."
"Why not?" I asked frantically.
"Because I can't believe I'm talking to the same woman I was with on Sunday night. I thought that one was intelligent and had self-respect and knew what she wanted."
"I am intelligent. I do have self-respect," I said almost in tears. I had to convince him. I didn't want to lose him. I knew that there could be no ro- mance with Adam. Not now. But I still thought he was wonderful and I wanted so badly to be his friend.
"Anyway," he sighed, "I can't be friends with you. Because
327
I want so much more from you. And I bet you couldn't be friends with me either. We're too attracted to each other."
"Well, if we can't be friends, then we can't be anything," I said. It was killing me, but I had to say it. I couldn't go back to James while I still carried a torch for Adam. A clean, honest break was less painful in the long run.
But I was hoping to call his bluff. Because I wasn't prepared for what he said next.
"Then we can't be anything," he said stiffly.
Panic swept over me.
At the tone of his voice. At the realization that he was so disappointed in me. At the thought of never seeing him again.
"Can I have your phone number?" I blurted out.
I couldn't bear the idea of just ending things with him now. I was clinging on, hoping that he might be nice to me.
Hoping that if he said he was still my friend, it would prove I was doing the right thing.
"No," he said in a voice that brooked no argument.
"Why not?" I asked, brooking an argument anyway. Whatever that means.
"Because what would you need it for?" he asked.
"To call you," I said.
"What would you want to call me for?" he asked.
"To talk to you," I said, almost crying. "I don't want to lose you."
"Claire," he sighed, "don't be stupid. You've made your decision. You're going to London to live with another man. You can't have us both. There's no point in you calling me to talk to me. We're not going to be friends. End of story."
"There's really nothing else I can say, is there?" I said sadly, realizing that I wasn't going to get what I wanted. He was not going to give me his blessing.
Why on earth should he?
"No," he said.
"I've let you down, haven't I?" I asked.
"You've let yourself down," he said coldly.
"I've disappointed you, haven't I?" I said, unable to stop myself from rubbing salt into the wounds.
"Yes, you've...disappointed me," he said after a little hesitation.
328
"Well, um...take care," I said, feeling foolish. Wanting to say so much. But being unable to say anything except platitudes.
"I will," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said, feeling wretched.
"Not as sorry as I am," he said.
And he hung up.
I stayed standing by the phone for a while. Feeling like my heart was breaking. And feeling terrible fear. Had I made a terrible mistake?
Was I standing at a turning point in my life? Was I really important to Adam?
But did it matter? Because I had decided on the direction I was going in.
But was it the right one?
How could I know?
My head was spinning. I felt frightened and out of control.
Two possible lives were being offered to me. The one with James. And maybe one with Adam.
Was I throwing the wrong one away? Had I misunderstood my destiny? Was the break-up with James meant to happen so that I could meet Adam and be a lot happier? Had I been given pain so that I would grow strong?
Had I misunderstood all the signs?
Had I gotten everything wrong?
But it was too late. I had made my decision. And I was going to go through with it. I'd make myself crazy if I kept changing my mind.
My future was with James. Adam no longer existed in my life.
I was probably just a good lay for Adam. Well, I liked to think that I was a good one. But maybe it was just about sex.
But, then again, maybe it wasn't.
What should I do then?
I had to get over him. I would get over him.
Of course I would.
I had only known him about three weeks.
It's just that, well, you know...he had an effect on me. He touched me in an unexpected way. He made me feel like
