Weightless
Page 42
Rhodes pinched the bridge of his nose. “Natalie, you’ve lost twenty-six pounds. In just over a month. Trust me, you’re fine.”
I could tell I was annoying him, but I couldn’t stop myself from talking. “Did I do something to upset you?”
“Other than complain about a problem that isn’t a real problem? No.” My mouth popped open. He glanced up from where he was scribbling on his notepad and sighed, tossing it on the desk. “I’m sorry. I just have some shit going on.”
I chewed my bottom lip and fought against the urge to reach out to him. Rhodes was adamant about keeping our relationship private, if that’s even what you would consider it. Whatever we were, we existed outside of the club. Here, we were just a customer and a service provider.
“Talk to me about it. Maybe I can help.”
Rhodes scoffed, and the sound was so harsh I tucked my arms tight across my chest.
“Trust me. You can’t.”
“How do you know if you don’t tell me?” I asked defensively.
“Can you just let it go?” He pleaded, his eyes finally meeting mine. They were darker than usual, a green forest with a storm looming. “Please?”
Sighing, I nodded, but I didn’t feel good about it. I wanted him to talk to me, and that was the first time I realized that what we had — whatever it was — was on his terms.
“Crap,” I muttered under my breath when I checked my watch. “I think I drained the battery again.”
“Did you leave the voice recorder on?”
Silence.
He sighed, and I half-hoped I could muster a smirk from him, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he just dug through the top drawer of the desk and handed me a new battery. We were done talking for the day.
Rhodes wrote up suggestions for my meal plan and sent me to do cardio. Then, without another word, he left. I watched the muscles in his back flex as he moved farther away from me. Once he disappeared through the men’s locker room door, I frowned.
I’d barely cracked him open and already I was losing him. He was pushing me away, and my heart sank at the thought of what it would mean if he succeeded.
Mom and Dale came home from their trip that night. Dale was drunk, or high, or some sort of messed up. It was the first time I’d seen him like that, really seen him like that, and Mom tried but failed to hide it.
She ushered him to their room quickly when they got home. I was lying on the couch watching Lost, debating on calling Willow. We hadn’t seen each other much since she’d returned from orientation and her going away party was in less than a week. Truth be told, I’d kind of fallen off the face of the earth. Mom and Dale had been gone, Willow was busy getting ready for school, and I had no other distractions to keep me from Rhodes. Even Mason had left me alone.
I heard my parents arguing upstairs, their voices muffled but loud enough that I knew whatever was happening wasn’t good. It’s not that they hadn’t fought before — every couple had their issues, right? But it seemed more intense that summer, more saturated.
When the slam of the door upstairs echoed down through the living room, I paused the television, waiting. Mom snailed down the stairs, her hand lightly brushing the railing, her eyes swollen and puffy and streaked with mascara. Even still, she was beautiful. Mom was always so beautiful.
Rhodes had evaded me at the gym earlier and I knew Mom would try to do the same. Everyone was trying to hide me from something — shield me — but I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone knew the truth but me.
Mom slunk down onto the couch beside me and I softly hugged her, resting my chin on her shoulder as we both stared at the paused television. She was done crying, or so it seemed, and I watched the tears dry on her cheeks. After a few moments, I finally spoke.
“Mom, what’s going on with you and Dale?”
She shook her head. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. It’ll be fine.” She patted my leg and I ground my teeth.
“Stop that. Talk to me, Mom. What’s happening?”
Mom paused, but I could tell she felt my insistence. I wasn’t going to let it go. “I don’t know, honey. Dale has an… addiction.”
The air in the living room grew heavier, and I felt it weigh in around my ears. “What do you mean?”
“Oh honey, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s fine. He’s okay. We’re okay. I promise.” She smiled at me, but I still found it difficult to swallow. Dale had an addiction? How had I never seen any of the signs? Dale had a few drunken nights, sure. He liked to party, he liked to let loose — but an addiction?
I shuddered at the thought.
Then, I studied my mom closer, and wondered what this addiction meant for her. I’d never once questioned that he could lay a hand on her, but seeing her so upset that summer made me think twice. My mom was strong, she always tried to handle her issues on her own, but would she really keep something like that from me?
She sniffed, leaning away from me just an inch.
“Mom, I know you think you need to be strong for me, but if he’s hurting you, you can tell me. We can leave. We can figure this out together.”
She laughed at that, shaking her head and wiping her nose on a tissue. “Oh stop. You and I both know Dale would never hurt me.” She said the words, I almost believed them, but something in her eyes told me she doubted their truth, too. It made my stomach lurch.
“I love you,” I whispered. I didn’t say it much to my mom, but I did — I loved her fiercely. She gave up more than I would ever know for me as a child, and I wasn’t sure I could ever repay her. Thinking of Rhodes and how easy it was for his parents to just abandon him when they were in a similar situation, I realized how truly lucky I was.
“I love you too, sweetie. So,” she said with a pop, wiping the remaining tears from her face and replacing them with a smile. “Tell me all about what you’ve been up to since I’ve been gone.”
Though I wanted to ask more questions about her and Dale, I knew that wasn’t what Mom wanted — so I humored her. I told her about Willow’s program and about the going away party Saturday. I caught her up on the latest developments in Lost, which made her giggle. I filled her in on every stupid, boring detail of my life in the last few weeks.
I left out everything about Rhodes.
Later that night, Rhodes texted me that he was outside. I didn’t ask questions, I just carefully snuck out of the house, nearly running to the end of my street where Rhodes had dropped me that night after the fair.
I could tell I was annoying him, but I couldn’t stop myself from talking. “Did I do something to upset you?”
“Other than complain about a problem that isn’t a real problem? No.” My mouth popped open. He glanced up from where he was scribbling on his notepad and sighed, tossing it on the desk. “I’m sorry. I just have some shit going on.”
I chewed my bottom lip and fought against the urge to reach out to him. Rhodes was adamant about keeping our relationship private, if that’s even what you would consider it. Whatever we were, we existed outside of the club. Here, we were just a customer and a service provider.
“Talk to me about it. Maybe I can help.”
Rhodes scoffed, and the sound was so harsh I tucked my arms tight across my chest.
“Trust me. You can’t.”
“How do you know if you don’t tell me?” I asked defensively.
“Can you just let it go?” He pleaded, his eyes finally meeting mine. They were darker than usual, a green forest with a storm looming. “Please?”
Sighing, I nodded, but I didn’t feel good about it. I wanted him to talk to me, and that was the first time I realized that what we had — whatever it was — was on his terms.
“Crap,” I muttered under my breath when I checked my watch. “I think I drained the battery again.”
“Did you leave the voice recorder on?”
Silence.
He sighed, and I half-hoped I could muster a smirk from him, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he just dug through the top drawer of the desk and handed me a new battery. We were done talking for the day.
Rhodes wrote up suggestions for my meal plan and sent me to do cardio. Then, without another word, he left. I watched the muscles in his back flex as he moved farther away from me. Once he disappeared through the men’s locker room door, I frowned.
I’d barely cracked him open and already I was losing him. He was pushing me away, and my heart sank at the thought of what it would mean if he succeeded.
Mom and Dale came home from their trip that night. Dale was drunk, or high, or some sort of messed up. It was the first time I’d seen him like that, really seen him like that, and Mom tried but failed to hide it.
She ushered him to their room quickly when they got home. I was lying on the couch watching Lost, debating on calling Willow. We hadn’t seen each other much since she’d returned from orientation and her going away party was in less than a week. Truth be told, I’d kind of fallen off the face of the earth. Mom and Dale had been gone, Willow was busy getting ready for school, and I had no other distractions to keep me from Rhodes. Even Mason had left me alone.
I heard my parents arguing upstairs, their voices muffled but loud enough that I knew whatever was happening wasn’t good. It’s not that they hadn’t fought before — every couple had their issues, right? But it seemed more intense that summer, more saturated.
When the slam of the door upstairs echoed down through the living room, I paused the television, waiting. Mom snailed down the stairs, her hand lightly brushing the railing, her eyes swollen and puffy and streaked with mascara. Even still, she was beautiful. Mom was always so beautiful.
Rhodes had evaded me at the gym earlier and I knew Mom would try to do the same. Everyone was trying to hide me from something — shield me — but I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone knew the truth but me.
Mom slunk down onto the couch beside me and I softly hugged her, resting my chin on her shoulder as we both stared at the paused television. She was done crying, or so it seemed, and I watched the tears dry on her cheeks. After a few moments, I finally spoke.
“Mom, what’s going on with you and Dale?”
She shook her head. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. It’ll be fine.” She patted my leg and I ground my teeth.
“Stop that. Talk to me, Mom. What’s happening?”
Mom paused, but I could tell she felt my insistence. I wasn’t going to let it go. “I don’t know, honey. Dale has an… addiction.”
The air in the living room grew heavier, and I felt it weigh in around my ears. “What do you mean?”
“Oh honey, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s fine. He’s okay. We’re okay. I promise.” She smiled at me, but I still found it difficult to swallow. Dale had an addiction? How had I never seen any of the signs? Dale had a few drunken nights, sure. He liked to party, he liked to let loose — but an addiction?
I shuddered at the thought.
Then, I studied my mom closer, and wondered what this addiction meant for her. I’d never once questioned that he could lay a hand on her, but seeing her so upset that summer made me think twice. My mom was strong, she always tried to handle her issues on her own, but would she really keep something like that from me?
She sniffed, leaning away from me just an inch.
“Mom, I know you think you need to be strong for me, but if he’s hurting you, you can tell me. We can leave. We can figure this out together.”
She laughed at that, shaking her head and wiping her nose on a tissue. “Oh stop. You and I both know Dale would never hurt me.” She said the words, I almost believed them, but something in her eyes told me she doubted their truth, too. It made my stomach lurch.
“I love you,” I whispered. I didn’t say it much to my mom, but I did — I loved her fiercely. She gave up more than I would ever know for me as a child, and I wasn’t sure I could ever repay her. Thinking of Rhodes and how easy it was for his parents to just abandon him when they were in a similar situation, I realized how truly lucky I was.
“I love you too, sweetie. So,” she said with a pop, wiping the remaining tears from her face and replacing them with a smile. “Tell me all about what you’ve been up to since I’ve been gone.”
Though I wanted to ask more questions about her and Dale, I knew that wasn’t what Mom wanted — so I humored her. I told her about Willow’s program and about the going away party Saturday. I caught her up on the latest developments in Lost, which made her giggle. I filled her in on every stupid, boring detail of my life in the last few weeks.
I left out everything about Rhodes.
Later that night, Rhodes texted me that he was outside. I didn’t ask questions, I just carefully snuck out of the house, nearly running to the end of my street where Rhodes had dropped me that night after the fair.
