Weightless
Page 60
“Ready?” he asked, still steadying the canoe with his hands. He was glancing up at me through his slightly-longer-than-usual hair with a boyish grin.
I nodded, his excitement infectious. Rhodes and Clint both helped me inside the canoe, which really wasn’t necessary, but I accepted the extra help. Lord knows I was far from graceful.
“We’ll see you two tomorrow. Have fun!” Clint shook hands with Rhodes quickly before jogging back to the shuttle.
“Tomorrow?”
Rhodes grinned, climbing in to sit on the small bench behind mine in the canoe. We each had an oar, and Rhodes used his to kick us off the riverbank. “Relax. We’re not paddling all that time.”
“Then where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
The Edisto River was smooth and easy to maneuver, its dark waters reflecting the bright blue sky and tall green trees surrounding it. We passed a few other canoes and kayaks and the occasional paddle board along the way, but for the most part, we had the river to ourselves. Each mile housed something new to see, from turtles to tree swings, and Rhodes surprised me by pulling my camera from one of the bags he packed so I could capture the moments. I tried focusing on what he’d said before, about not striving for so much control in my shots. I played with settings, filters, zoom and lighting, not letting my need to find the perfect shot drive my direction.
It was freeing.
We stopped at a shallow section for lunch, jumping out of the canoe and into the cool water after we ate. Rhodes had packed simple sandwiches for lunch, but I could see other ingredients in the cooler that were more suited to be cooked, which only made my curiosity grow.
Once we were back in the canoe, Rhodes took over paddling completely, letting me face him and relax a little. He was absolutely gorgeous to watch. The muscles in his chest and arms flexed with each row, and he had a permanent smile glued to his face. His fierce green eyes were set ablaze among the backdrop of the dark water and cypress trees.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Uh oh,” Rhodes answered, smirking.
“Why don’t you let anyone call you by your first name?”
He sighed, dropping the oars back into the water before leaning back and smoothly propelling us forward. For a long moment, he was quiet, and I almost told him he didn’t have to tell me, though I desperately wanted to know. But after searching for the right words, he finally spoke.
“Do you know what the name William means?”
I shook my head.
“Resolute protector.” Rhodes squinted against the sun fighting its way through the trees. “I believed in it when I was younger. One of my early foster moms, the only one I can recall who wasn’t a drugged out loser, told me it meant I was born to protect those around me, so that’s what I did. I stood up for those who couldn’t defend themselves, whether that was a kid in school being bullied or one of my foster moms being smacked down by their piece of shit husbands.” I flinched at that image, wondering how much Rhodes had to see in his formative years. I didn’t have to wonder anymore where the scars on his abdomen came from.
“That’s part of why I was seen as such a delinquent when I was in high school. Yeah, I got in a lot of fights and got caught in a lot of bad situations, but I was always in those situations because I was helping someone else. It was the one thing I clung on to. I wanted to be worth something to someone. I protected kids, teachers, friends, strangers, foster siblings, pets.” He swallowed, his Adam ’s apple bobbing beneath his stubble-covered neck. “And above all else, I protected Lana.”
He didn’t have to say another word for me to understand why he didn’t let anyone call him William. He was her protector, but he wasn’t able to save her. He didn’t feel like he deserved the title anymore.
“I don’t know, after she disappeared, I just felt this ultimate failure seep into my bones. It was like the only claim to worth I had was stolen. Or rather, I had let it go. There were signs leading up to her disappearance. Bruises, scratches. And she was always sad. Tired.” He shook his head. “I asked a few times, but she said she was fine. I knew in my gut it was something more. A stalker, a crazy boyfriend — something. But she always tried to shelter me. And I let her. I didn’t do shit about it. I just let it all go.” His jaw was tense as he rowed. “So, I gave up protecting. I gave up trying to find value in myself. I gave up pretty much everything.”
I chewed on his words, aching to reach out to him, but I wasn’t sure if he’d let me hold him or not. It killed me to know he somehow felt responsible for Lana. It wasn’t the kind of guilt that was easy to let go of.
“Can I ask you something else?”
Rhodes seemed to be still stuck in his own thoughts, but he nodded.
“Yesterday, you were the same Rhodes I met at the beginning of the summer. You pushed me away.” He frowned, but didn’t argue. “But then you showed up at my door last night. And now we’re here. It seemed like you were so sure I’d betrayed you.” Tucking my hands between the wood and the backs of my thighs, I glanced at him through my lashes. “What made you change your mind?”
He stopped rowing, letting the soft current of the river take over. His eyes were fixed on mine. “I just realized that I’ve lived a life without love, without caring for someone else or letting them care for me. And I don’t want that to be the only kind of life I have.” He shrugged. “I made up my mind that night you gave yourself to me that I was never going to walk away from you or the possibility to feel like I have a purpose again. I’m not letting one note change that.”
My heart leapt at the word love leaving his lips. He wasn’t saying that he loved me, but he wasn’t saying he couldn’t. To me, that was just as exhilarating.
We stopped again when we found a large rope swing, taking turns riding it out above the water before dropping in with a splash. I was in another two-piece bathing suit, one I’d purchased myself, and Rhodes took a photo of me in it mid-swing. He motioned me over once I resurfaced to show it to me and I smiled. I looked so free, so happy, so confident.
While Rhodes looked over the map he’d taken from Clint, I pulled on my white cover up and rested on a large log extended out over the water near the swing. I laid on my back, watching the clouds float the opposite way of the current, the sun glittering behind them. There was a soft, cool breeze over the water and it flowed through my hair as I rolled over onto my stomach.
I nodded, his excitement infectious. Rhodes and Clint both helped me inside the canoe, which really wasn’t necessary, but I accepted the extra help. Lord knows I was far from graceful.
“We’ll see you two tomorrow. Have fun!” Clint shook hands with Rhodes quickly before jogging back to the shuttle.
“Tomorrow?”
Rhodes grinned, climbing in to sit on the small bench behind mine in the canoe. We each had an oar, and Rhodes used his to kick us off the riverbank. “Relax. We’re not paddling all that time.”
“Then where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
The Edisto River was smooth and easy to maneuver, its dark waters reflecting the bright blue sky and tall green trees surrounding it. We passed a few other canoes and kayaks and the occasional paddle board along the way, but for the most part, we had the river to ourselves. Each mile housed something new to see, from turtles to tree swings, and Rhodes surprised me by pulling my camera from one of the bags he packed so I could capture the moments. I tried focusing on what he’d said before, about not striving for so much control in my shots. I played with settings, filters, zoom and lighting, not letting my need to find the perfect shot drive my direction.
It was freeing.
We stopped at a shallow section for lunch, jumping out of the canoe and into the cool water after we ate. Rhodes had packed simple sandwiches for lunch, but I could see other ingredients in the cooler that were more suited to be cooked, which only made my curiosity grow.
Once we were back in the canoe, Rhodes took over paddling completely, letting me face him and relax a little. He was absolutely gorgeous to watch. The muscles in his chest and arms flexed with each row, and he had a permanent smile glued to his face. His fierce green eyes were set ablaze among the backdrop of the dark water and cypress trees.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Uh oh,” Rhodes answered, smirking.
“Why don’t you let anyone call you by your first name?”
He sighed, dropping the oars back into the water before leaning back and smoothly propelling us forward. For a long moment, he was quiet, and I almost told him he didn’t have to tell me, though I desperately wanted to know. But after searching for the right words, he finally spoke.
“Do you know what the name William means?”
I shook my head.
“Resolute protector.” Rhodes squinted against the sun fighting its way through the trees. “I believed in it when I was younger. One of my early foster moms, the only one I can recall who wasn’t a drugged out loser, told me it meant I was born to protect those around me, so that’s what I did. I stood up for those who couldn’t defend themselves, whether that was a kid in school being bullied or one of my foster moms being smacked down by their piece of shit husbands.” I flinched at that image, wondering how much Rhodes had to see in his formative years. I didn’t have to wonder anymore where the scars on his abdomen came from.
“That’s part of why I was seen as such a delinquent when I was in high school. Yeah, I got in a lot of fights and got caught in a lot of bad situations, but I was always in those situations because I was helping someone else. It was the one thing I clung on to. I wanted to be worth something to someone. I protected kids, teachers, friends, strangers, foster siblings, pets.” He swallowed, his Adam ’s apple bobbing beneath his stubble-covered neck. “And above all else, I protected Lana.”
He didn’t have to say another word for me to understand why he didn’t let anyone call him William. He was her protector, but he wasn’t able to save her. He didn’t feel like he deserved the title anymore.
“I don’t know, after she disappeared, I just felt this ultimate failure seep into my bones. It was like the only claim to worth I had was stolen. Or rather, I had let it go. There were signs leading up to her disappearance. Bruises, scratches. And she was always sad. Tired.” He shook his head. “I asked a few times, but she said she was fine. I knew in my gut it was something more. A stalker, a crazy boyfriend — something. But she always tried to shelter me. And I let her. I didn’t do shit about it. I just let it all go.” His jaw was tense as he rowed. “So, I gave up protecting. I gave up trying to find value in myself. I gave up pretty much everything.”
I chewed on his words, aching to reach out to him, but I wasn’t sure if he’d let me hold him or not. It killed me to know he somehow felt responsible for Lana. It wasn’t the kind of guilt that was easy to let go of.
“Can I ask you something else?”
Rhodes seemed to be still stuck in his own thoughts, but he nodded.
“Yesterday, you were the same Rhodes I met at the beginning of the summer. You pushed me away.” He frowned, but didn’t argue. “But then you showed up at my door last night. And now we’re here. It seemed like you were so sure I’d betrayed you.” Tucking my hands between the wood and the backs of my thighs, I glanced at him through my lashes. “What made you change your mind?”
He stopped rowing, letting the soft current of the river take over. His eyes were fixed on mine. “I just realized that I’ve lived a life without love, without caring for someone else or letting them care for me. And I don’t want that to be the only kind of life I have.” He shrugged. “I made up my mind that night you gave yourself to me that I was never going to walk away from you or the possibility to feel like I have a purpose again. I’m not letting one note change that.”
My heart leapt at the word love leaving his lips. He wasn’t saying that he loved me, but he wasn’t saying he couldn’t. To me, that was just as exhilarating.
We stopped again when we found a large rope swing, taking turns riding it out above the water before dropping in with a splash. I was in another two-piece bathing suit, one I’d purchased myself, and Rhodes took a photo of me in it mid-swing. He motioned me over once I resurfaced to show it to me and I smiled. I looked so free, so happy, so confident.
While Rhodes looked over the map he’d taken from Clint, I pulled on my white cover up and rested on a large log extended out over the water near the swing. I laid on my back, watching the clouds float the opposite way of the current, the sun glittering behind them. There was a soft, cool breeze over the water and it flowed through my hair as I rolled over onto my stomach.
