Weightless
Page 68
“And go where?” Mom asked incredulously. “You’re not enrolled in college, you don’t have a job, and you won’t have a cent to your name if you disobey us.”
“I’m not staying away from him.” I shook my head, my eyes blurring with tears that quickly bubbled and fell over my cheeks. Faintly, I heard our front door close, and I whipped around to find Rhodes gone. “Rhodes?”
“Just let him go, sweetie.” Mom reached out to touch my hand but I jerked back. I plead with my eyes for her to stop, for her to wake up and realize what she was doing, but she remained unmoved.
“You’re awful,” I whispered, my eyes bouncing between the two of them. “Just because you have your own fucked up shit going on doesn’t mean you have to drag me down with you.”
“Natalie!” Dale chastised, but I turned on my heel and sprinted out the door without another word.
I expected Rhodes to be gone, but he was still standing in the driveway, hands in his pockets, facing the road. The moon was barely a sliver that night, and the darkness only made me feel more helpless as I walked slowly toward him. My steps were soft, the night was quiet — such a contrast from the war raging inside me.
Sliding my hands through the space between his arms and his middle, I wrapped myself around him, pressing my forehead into the hard muscles of his back. He was shivering, just slightly, just barely enough to notice.
“I’m so sorry.”
He cleared his throat, lifting one arm to pull me into his side. “Don’t be.”
“I can’t believe them. If they think I’m going to listen to them, they’ve seriously lost their minds.”
“They’re right, Natalie.”
I lifted my head from his chest and glanced up at his stoic expression. “What? Rhodes, no, they’re not. They don’t know anything about you.”
“And you do?” he challenged, dropping his hold on me. I was suddenly so cold.
“Yes,” I whispered, though the way he was looking at me made me feel like I shouldn’t be so sure. His emerald eyes were wild, mouth pressed into a thin line, jaw set.
“I’m not right for you, Natalie. I don’t fit into this life. Into your life.”
“Stop, Rhodes. You know they aren’t me.”
“But this is your life, Natalie,” he said again. “This is how it’s supposed to be for you. It’s what you deserve. Great parents, a nice house, a rich husband with the means to take care of you.” He licked his lower lip, his brows knitting together. “You deserve a good life, one without the pain I’ve already brought you and that I know I’ll bring continually, over and over again. I’m trouble. I’m fucked up. I have baggage. I have weight.”
“You’re none of those things!” I argued. “You’re strong. And passionate. And you’ve pushed me to be someone I never knew I could be this summer.”
“And that’s just it,” he said. “That’s all I am for you, Natalie. Yes, I do think I changed you this summer, just the way you changed me. And that’s where it ends. I’m not your prince, Bug. I’m not the one you marry and live a long happy life with, the one you have kids with, the one you sit in a rocking chair next to when you’re old.” He shook his head but I shook mine harder. I could feel it. He was pulling back, retreating into the same shell I’d found him in just two months before. “I. Don’t. Fit. I’m a stage for you. A chapter. And this is the last page.”
“Please, Rhodes,” I begged, but he pushed past me to the side of the house where he’d parked his bike. I followed. “You don’t mean this. You said you promised yourself you were done walking away from me. You know this isn’t it. This isn’t over.” I was on his tail every step, but he kept pace until he reached his bike. He climbed on, not saying another word. “Damnit, Rhodes, look at me!”
It was then I noticed how hard his breaths were coming. His chest rose and fell in an unsteady rhythm, the tremble still evident in his hands. He gripped his helmet, but paused, turning to face me. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he waited for my move. I knew he didn’t want to leave me, but for some reason he felt he needed to.
If he was going to walk away, I wasn’t going to let him do it without knowing the truth.
“I chose you. Remember?”
“I didn’t ask you to choose me.”
“You didn’t ask me to love you, either.”
He scowled, but I saw him crack beneath it. “You don’t love me, Natalie.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel,” I cried. My voice was shaky, breaking with every word. “I wish I didn’t love you, but I do.” Rhodes’ eyes softened, but his lips were still pressed together. I could see it. He was trying not to feel, and I was determined to make him. “It hit me all at once, like a thought or a memory of something I’ve known all along. I don’t have a choice, Rhodes. I love you because there is no other option for me.”
I knew he wouldn’t say it back, and I didn’t expect him to. I only wanted him to stay. Because in my heart, I already knew he loved me. He loved me with such intensity that I should have been terrified. Instead, I was fascinated. And desperate for more.
My heart wasn’t ready to let him go.
Rhodes swallowed, and his eyes fell to my lips. For a moment, I thought he might reach for me. His hand twitched where it held the straps of his helmet, and I willed him to follow through with the instinct.
But he didn’t.
There were no physical walls to be seen, but I still watched as they slammed down around him. I watched his eyes gloss over. I watched the scowl form over his softened features, hardening them again, maybe even more so than before.
Slipping the helmet over his head, he buckled the straps and gripped the handlebars, turning to face the road. “I told you that night that you were making the wrong decision,” he said, his voice low. He hesitated for just a moment before revving the engine to life. “You should have listened to me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and let two tears fall parallel down my cheeks. I kept them shut and listened to him drive away. Even when the last sound of the engine had faded and I was alone again in the still night air, I refused to open my eyes. I wouldn’t watch him leave. I wouldn’t face the fact that he was gone. I wouldn’t admit that he left, not after what I’d told him.
“I’m not staying away from him.” I shook my head, my eyes blurring with tears that quickly bubbled and fell over my cheeks. Faintly, I heard our front door close, and I whipped around to find Rhodes gone. “Rhodes?”
“Just let him go, sweetie.” Mom reached out to touch my hand but I jerked back. I plead with my eyes for her to stop, for her to wake up and realize what she was doing, but she remained unmoved.
“You’re awful,” I whispered, my eyes bouncing between the two of them. “Just because you have your own fucked up shit going on doesn’t mean you have to drag me down with you.”
“Natalie!” Dale chastised, but I turned on my heel and sprinted out the door without another word.
I expected Rhodes to be gone, but he was still standing in the driveway, hands in his pockets, facing the road. The moon was barely a sliver that night, and the darkness only made me feel more helpless as I walked slowly toward him. My steps were soft, the night was quiet — such a contrast from the war raging inside me.
Sliding my hands through the space between his arms and his middle, I wrapped myself around him, pressing my forehead into the hard muscles of his back. He was shivering, just slightly, just barely enough to notice.
“I’m so sorry.”
He cleared his throat, lifting one arm to pull me into his side. “Don’t be.”
“I can’t believe them. If they think I’m going to listen to them, they’ve seriously lost their minds.”
“They’re right, Natalie.”
I lifted my head from his chest and glanced up at his stoic expression. “What? Rhodes, no, they’re not. They don’t know anything about you.”
“And you do?” he challenged, dropping his hold on me. I was suddenly so cold.
“Yes,” I whispered, though the way he was looking at me made me feel like I shouldn’t be so sure. His emerald eyes were wild, mouth pressed into a thin line, jaw set.
“I’m not right for you, Natalie. I don’t fit into this life. Into your life.”
“Stop, Rhodes. You know they aren’t me.”
“But this is your life, Natalie,” he said again. “This is how it’s supposed to be for you. It’s what you deserve. Great parents, a nice house, a rich husband with the means to take care of you.” He licked his lower lip, his brows knitting together. “You deserve a good life, one without the pain I’ve already brought you and that I know I’ll bring continually, over and over again. I’m trouble. I’m fucked up. I have baggage. I have weight.”
“You’re none of those things!” I argued. “You’re strong. And passionate. And you’ve pushed me to be someone I never knew I could be this summer.”
“And that’s just it,” he said. “That’s all I am for you, Natalie. Yes, I do think I changed you this summer, just the way you changed me. And that’s where it ends. I’m not your prince, Bug. I’m not the one you marry and live a long happy life with, the one you have kids with, the one you sit in a rocking chair next to when you’re old.” He shook his head but I shook mine harder. I could feel it. He was pulling back, retreating into the same shell I’d found him in just two months before. “I. Don’t. Fit. I’m a stage for you. A chapter. And this is the last page.”
“Please, Rhodes,” I begged, but he pushed past me to the side of the house where he’d parked his bike. I followed. “You don’t mean this. You said you promised yourself you were done walking away from me. You know this isn’t it. This isn’t over.” I was on his tail every step, but he kept pace until he reached his bike. He climbed on, not saying another word. “Damnit, Rhodes, look at me!”
It was then I noticed how hard his breaths were coming. His chest rose and fell in an unsteady rhythm, the tremble still evident in his hands. He gripped his helmet, but paused, turning to face me. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he waited for my move. I knew he didn’t want to leave me, but for some reason he felt he needed to.
If he was going to walk away, I wasn’t going to let him do it without knowing the truth.
“I chose you. Remember?”
“I didn’t ask you to choose me.”
“You didn’t ask me to love you, either.”
He scowled, but I saw him crack beneath it. “You don’t love me, Natalie.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel,” I cried. My voice was shaky, breaking with every word. “I wish I didn’t love you, but I do.” Rhodes’ eyes softened, but his lips were still pressed together. I could see it. He was trying not to feel, and I was determined to make him. “It hit me all at once, like a thought or a memory of something I’ve known all along. I don’t have a choice, Rhodes. I love you because there is no other option for me.”
I knew he wouldn’t say it back, and I didn’t expect him to. I only wanted him to stay. Because in my heart, I already knew he loved me. He loved me with such intensity that I should have been terrified. Instead, I was fascinated. And desperate for more.
My heart wasn’t ready to let him go.
Rhodes swallowed, and his eyes fell to my lips. For a moment, I thought he might reach for me. His hand twitched where it held the straps of his helmet, and I willed him to follow through with the instinct.
But he didn’t.
There were no physical walls to be seen, but I still watched as they slammed down around him. I watched his eyes gloss over. I watched the scowl form over his softened features, hardening them again, maybe even more so than before.
Slipping the helmet over his head, he buckled the straps and gripped the handlebars, turning to face the road. “I told you that night that you were making the wrong decision,” he said, his voice low. He hesitated for just a moment before revving the engine to life. “You should have listened to me.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and let two tears fall parallel down my cheeks. I kept them shut and listened to him drive away. Even when the last sound of the engine had faded and I was alone again in the still night air, I refused to open my eyes. I wouldn’t watch him leave. I wouldn’t face the fact that he was gone. I wouldn’t admit that he left, not after what I’d told him.
