What I Need
Page 57
“How.” He leans over the seat. “Long.”
I pinch my lips together, pull in a deep breath, hoping it’ll relax me—it doesn’t—and confess my truth. “Since he got out of the hospital. I moved in the next day.”
“Are you serious? That was like, two months ago. What the fuck? Neither one of you thought I should know about it?”
“I asked CJ not to tell you. It isn’t his fault. Really. Please don’t be mad at him for it.” I watch Reed sit back and shake his head, as if he doesn’t believe me. “He thought you should know,” I add. “He wanted to tell you.”
“Why are you living with him?” Reed throws out. “If you needed a place to stay, you should've come to me. I'm your brother, Riley. You know I'll always help you out. Even if I didn't have room, I'd make room for you. Tell me you know that.”
My shoulders sag. I pull my lips between my teeth and nod my head.
Sometimes I forget how good of a man Reed is, and just how much I love having him as a big brother.
It sucks when he has to remind me.
“I know you would've made room for me,” I say, putting my hands on the edge of the passenger seat and stepping closer. “I know I could've come to you, but I didn't want to impose on you and Beth. You're newlyweds, Reed. You didn't need a third wheel.”
He jerks his chin, accepting my explanation. “Fine. But that still doesn't explain why CJ. You don't even know him.”
I flinch as if Reed's words literally slap me across the face. “I know him,” I hiss. “I know him just as well as you do, or Beth, or anybody else. And he knows me. We're tight.” I watch Reed's eyes narrow and the furrow in his brow deepen as he stares across the seat at me, and quickly realize I may want to reel this in a bit. I'm practically shouting. “I mean, you paired us up at the wedding,” I clarify, voice calm and easy listening level. “We got to know each other pretty quickly that weekend between all the festivities. And don't forget, CJ wouldn't be out of work if it wasn't for me. I dragged Richard to that concert. So when CJ offered me a place to stay, rent free in exchange for being his live-in nurse, I took it. I’m helping him. I owe him, Reed. He saved me that night. Who knows what would’ve happened if I would’ve left with Richard.”
Reed's nostrils flare as his lips press together, and I think maybe he's going to get on me about how aggressive I'm being in my defense, but he doesn't. He looks at the dash, rubs at his eyes with his hand relaxing off the wheel, thinks in silence for a breath, then turns his head back to me. And I recognize the look I'm getting now as the same look Reed gave me at the hospital.
It's a look of concern. That protective, brotherly look only Reed can give me.
“Every time I think about that night, I want to go find that asshole and kill him,” he says, shaking his head and looking away briefly before meeting my eyes again. “You doing all right with everything that went down? Richard’s going to be in jail awhile for assaulting a cop.”
“Good,” I bite out. “I hope he stays there and gets passed around between the big guys.”
Reed’s mouth twitches. He pushes his hand through his hair, saying, “I gotta be honest, I hate that you went through that, Riley, but I’m fucking ecstatic you’re not with him anymore.”
“I’m not surprised. You weren’t shy about hating him.”
“I won’t be shy about the next worthless piece of shit either. I’m going to make that fucker jump through hoops.”
My stomach knots up.
Reed smiles a little, but it does nothing to ease my lingering discomfort surrounding this topic. “So how come you couldn't tell me where you were living?” he asks. “What's the big secret?”
I swallow and feel my hands sliding off the seat. They fall to my side where my fingers curl under the bottom of my shorts. “I just didn’t think you would understand,” I reply.
“What’s there to understand? Is something else going on?”
I quickly shake my head. “No.” My answer is firm and louder than my previous ones. It’s also the truth. Nothing else is going on, but even if there was, I’m still worried how Reed would react. “I’m just helping him,” I say. “That’s it. We’re friends.”
I’m scared that’s all we’ll ever be.
Reed stares at me for a beat, eyes assessing, face expressionless while he considers my answer, then he tips his head toward the windshield. “All right. Go,” he orders. “But next time, don’t worry about me understanding or not. Just tell me what you’re doing, Riley. And not in some drunken, middle-of-the-night phone call I can barely fucking understand.”
I’m nodding, smiling, and so happy to hear the words all right go, that I don’t even pay attention to anything else Reed is saying. Nothing else matters. I’m off the hook! He doesn’t seem to hate me. Thank God. Taking a step back, I grip the edge of the door, ready to close it, but before I do, I remember one last thing that needs to be said.
“Congrats, by the way, Daddy Reed.”
Seriously. This is amazing news.
Ear to ear, a smile stretches across my brother’s mouth. And when men smile like this, beautifully, eyes shining and every muscle in their face reacting, it’s something to look at, smile back at, and appreciate.
And I take the time to do just that before saying my farewells.
When I descend the stairs and step out into the basement of Holy Cross, I feel different. Better, in a way. I’m not keeping this giant secret from Reed anymore. He knows where I’m living now, and he seems okay with mine and CJ’s arrangement, possibly even supportive of it. And having Reed’s approval means a lot. So much more than anyone else’s. It means everything. It always has.
“Looks like that conversation went well,” Beth observes when I step into the kitchen wearing a relieved smile. She’s standing at the long, metal counter in the middle of the room, several cans of green beans in front of her that she’s opening up and dumping into a pot.
“Yep. I feel good about it,” I reply, grabbing an apron off the wall and slipping the loop over my head. “I don’t need to lie about where I’m living now, so that’s a relief.”
I pinch my lips together, pull in a deep breath, hoping it’ll relax me—it doesn’t—and confess my truth. “Since he got out of the hospital. I moved in the next day.”
“Are you serious? That was like, two months ago. What the fuck? Neither one of you thought I should know about it?”
“I asked CJ not to tell you. It isn’t his fault. Really. Please don’t be mad at him for it.” I watch Reed sit back and shake his head, as if he doesn’t believe me. “He thought you should know,” I add. “He wanted to tell you.”
“Why are you living with him?” Reed throws out. “If you needed a place to stay, you should've come to me. I'm your brother, Riley. You know I'll always help you out. Even if I didn't have room, I'd make room for you. Tell me you know that.”
My shoulders sag. I pull my lips between my teeth and nod my head.
Sometimes I forget how good of a man Reed is, and just how much I love having him as a big brother.
It sucks when he has to remind me.
“I know you would've made room for me,” I say, putting my hands on the edge of the passenger seat and stepping closer. “I know I could've come to you, but I didn't want to impose on you and Beth. You're newlyweds, Reed. You didn't need a third wheel.”
He jerks his chin, accepting my explanation. “Fine. But that still doesn't explain why CJ. You don't even know him.”
I flinch as if Reed's words literally slap me across the face. “I know him,” I hiss. “I know him just as well as you do, or Beth, or anybody else. And he knows me. We're tight.” I watch Reed's eyes narrow and the furrow in his brow deepen as he stares across the seat at me, and quickly realize I may want to reel this in a bit. I'm practically shouting. “I mean, you paired us up at the wedding,” I clarify, voice calm and easy listening level. “We got to know each other pretty quickly that weekend between all the festivities. And don't forget, CJ wouldn't be out of work if it wasn't for me. I dragged Richard to that concert. So when CJ offered me a place to stay, rent free in exchange for being his live-in nurse, I took it. I’m helping him. I owe him, Reed. He saved me that night. Who knows what would’ve happened if I would’ve left with Richard.”
Reed's nostrils flare as his lips press together, and I think maybe he's going to get on me about how aggressive I'm being in my defense, but he doesn't. He looks at the dash, rubs at his eyes with his hand relaxing off the wheel, thinks in silence for a breath, then turns his head back to me. And I recognize the look I'm getting now as the same look Reed gave me at the hospital.
It's a look of concern. That protective, brotherly look only Reed can give me.
“Every time I think about that night, I want to go find that asshole and kill him,” he says, shaking his head and looking away briefly before meeting my eyes again. “You doing all right with everything that went down? Richard’s going to be in jail awhile for assaulting a cop.”
“Good,” I bite out. “I hope he stays there and gets passed around between the big guys.”
Reed’s mouth twitches. He pushes his hand through his hair, saying, “I gotta be honest, I hate that you went through that, Riley, but I’m fucking ecstatic you’re not with him anymore.”
“I’m not surprised. You weren’t shy about hating him.”
“I won’t be shy about the next worthless piece of shit either. I’m going to make that fucker jump through hoops.”
My stomach knots up.
Reed smiles a little, but it does nothing to ease my lingering discomfort surrounding this topic. “So how come you couldn't tell me where you were living?” he asks. “What's the big secret?”
I swallow and feel my hands sliding off the seat. They fall to my side where my fingers curl under the bottom of my shorts. “I just didn’t think you would understand,” I reply.
“What’s there to understand? Is something else going on?”
I quickly shake my head. “No.” My answer is firm and louder than my previous ones. It’s also the truth. Nothing else is going on, but even if there was, I’m still worried how Reed would react. “I’m just helping him,” I say. “That’s it. We’re friends.”
I’m scared that’s all we’ll ever be.
Reed stares at me for a beat, eyes assessing, face expressionless while he considers my answer, then he tips his head toward the windshield. “All right. Go,” he orders. “But next time, don’t worry about me understanding or not. Just tell me what you’re doing, Riley. And not in some drunken, middle-of-the-night phone call I can barely fucking understand.”
I’m nodding, smiling, and so happy to hear the words all right go, that I don’t even pay attention to anything else Reed is saying. Nothing else matters. I’m off the hook! He doesn’t seem to hate me. Thank God. Taking a step back, I grip the edge of the door, ready to close it, but before I do, I remember one last thing that needs to be said.
“Congrats, by the way, Daddy Reed.”
Seriously. This is amazing news.
Ear to ear, a smile stretches across my brother’s mouth. And when men smile like this, beautifully, eyes shining and every muscle in their face reacting, it’s something to look at, smile back at, and appreciate.
And I take the time to do just that before saying my farewells.
When I descend the stairs and step out into the basement of Holy Cross, I feel different. Better, in a way. I’m not keeping this giant secret from Reed anymore. He knows where I’m living now, and he seems okay with mine and CJ’s arrangement, possibly even supportive of it. And having Reed’s approval means a lot. So much more than anyone else’s. It means everything. It always has.
“Looks like that conversation went well,” Beth observes when I step into the kitchen wearing a relieved smile. She’s standing at the long, metal counter in the middle of the room, several cans of green beans in front of her that she’s opening up and dumping into a pot.
“Yep. I feel good about it,” I reply, grabbing an apron off the wall and slipping the loop over my head. “I don’t need to lie about where I’m living now, so that’s a relief.”
