What We Find
Page 102
Cal had certainly been down that road. His profession was no easier. Stress management was almost a hobby for him. The rush he got from winning kept him going back for more.
Then things changed.
It wasn’t just losing Lynne, though that was huge. It was the fact that those things he had done to protect himself and his wife hadn’t worked. He’d gotten himself a great education and then a big reputation for success. They said he had stars in his pockets, that he was destined for greatness. He bought a large, sturdy house, exactly the kind of house he thought people who knew what they were doing and where they were going would live in, large enough to hold a family and a future. They put down roots, got enmeshed in the community, poured themselves into each other and work. They even dealt very admirably and intelligently with Lynne’s condition.
Then one day she was sick and in pain. The next couple of days were okay, then bad days followed, then a few good... It wasn’t long before Lynne suffered disfigurement and chronic pain. She couldn’t work. Their lives became more of coping and praying than living and working. Her last six months had been hideous. Cal went to work because Lynne wanted him to, because she believed his work fed a need in him and that he’d have a life after her.
He had tried to make that true for her sake but it took every fiber of his being to keep from crumbling in front of her while she was going through the last months. Weeks. Days. The only thing that kept him upright was an overpowering need to match her courage; the only reason he tried to get on with his life was for her. The truth was, there were so many hours he just wanted to go with her. He felt like his insides had been pulled out, stomped on, stuffed back into him. Life without her seemed unendurable.
He kept trying after she was gone, and he did it not for himself but to honor her. All she wanted was for him to live, to find joy in life.
Well, that had taken a while. But here he was, remarkably, having a life. One he hadn’t planned but found intensely satisfying.
Between insurance, Lynne’s legacy, a couple of bonuses and the sale of the house, he had some money. He tried to turn the trust back to her parents but they wouldn’t have it—he had been a devoted husband and they appreciated his love and loyalty, especially during the darkest days. Lynne’s will left a few special items to her parents for remembrance’s sake but the rest to Cal. Now his quest was simple—he just wanted to belong to someone and something. Life was precious and not to be taken for granted, and he would not disgrace his wife’s memory with self-pity or misery. Part of that was being of service. It didn’t have to be winning the most high-profile case. Sometimes it was stocking shelves.
One of the many things Cal had learned was that the role he’d assumed as a kid, becoming the parent in a dysfunctional family, wasn’t temporary. He still had that need—to take care of people, watch over those he loved.
He was watching over Maggie. He was pretty sure she had no idea.
* * *
Maggie had packed a pair of jeans to wear on the drive home but instead she showered, blew out her hair and put on her dress, the one she had worn to court. She knew it would please Phoebe. She called her mother and asked if they could meet at her club for brunch because she wanted to talk.
While Cal made breakfast, she checked her email. She thought there might be a couple—word travels fast in hospitals. “Holy shit,” she said. There were over fifty!
“What do they say?” he asked.
“Mostly congratulations, I think. It’s going to take me forever to read through them. I had no idea people were paying this much attention. People didn’t say much. Just things like good luck and it’ll be okay and tough break, Maggie—that sort of thing.”
Then things changed.
It wasn’t just losing Lynne, though that was huge. It was the fact that those things he had done to protect himself and his wife hadn’t worked. He’d gotten himself a great education and then a big reputation for success. They said he had stars in his pockets, that he was destined for greatness. He bought a large, sturdy house, exactly the kind of house he thought people who knew what they were doing and where they were going would live in, large enough to hold a family and a future. They put down roots, got enmeshed in the community, poured themselves into each other and work. They even dealt very admirably and intelligently with Lynne’s condition.
Then one day she was sick and in pain. The next couple of days were okay, then bad days followed, then a few good... It wasn’t long before Lynne suffered disfigurement and chronic pain. She couldn’t work. Their lives became more of coping and praying than living and working. Her last six months had been hideous. Cal went to work because Lynne wanted him to, because she believed his work fed a need in him and that he’d have a life after her.
He had tried to make that true for her sake but it took every fiber of his being to keep from crumbling in front of her while she was going through the last months. Weeks. Days. The only thing that kept him upright was an overpowering need to match her courage; the only reason he tried to get on with his life was for her. The truth was, there were so many hours he just wanted to go with her. He felt like his insides had been pulled out, stomped on, stuffed back into him. Life without her seemed unendurable.
He kept trying after she was gone, and he did it not for himself but to honor her. All she wanted was for him to live, to find joy in life.
Well, that had taken a while. But here he was, remarkably, having a life. One he hadn’t planned but found intensely satisfying.
Between insurance, Lynne’s legacy, a couple of bonuses and the sale of the house, he had some money. He tried to turn the trust back to her parents but they wouldn’t have it—he had been a devoted husband and they appreciated his love and loyalty, especially during the darkest days. Lynne’s will left a few special items to her parents for remembrance’s sake but the rest to Cal. Now his quest was simple—he just wanted to belong to someone and something. Life was precious and not to be taken for granted, and he would not disgrace his wife’s memory with self-pity or misery. Part of that was being of service. It didn’t have to be winning the most high-profile case. Sometimes it was stocking shelves.
One of the many things Cal had learned was that the role he’d assumed as a kid, becoming the parent in a dysfunctional family, wasn’t temporary. He still had that need—to take care of people, watch over those he loved.
He was watching over Maggie. He was pretty sure she had no idea.
* * *
Maggie had packed a pair of jeans to wear on the drive home but instead she showered, blew out her hair and put on her dress, the one she had worn to court. She knew it would please Phoebe. She called her mother and asked if they could meet at her club for brunch because she wanted to talk.
While Cal made breakfast, she checked her email. She thought there might be a couple—word travels fast in hospitals. “Holy shit,” she said. There were over fifty!
“What do they say?” he asked.
“Mostly congratulations, I think. It’s going to take me forever to read through them. I had no idea people were paying this much attention. People didn’t say much. Just things like good luck and it’ll be okay and tough break, Maggie—that sort of thing.”
