Where We Belong
Page 20
Ben plucks Nolan off his shoulders and puts him on his feet.
He stuffs his hands into his little pockets, looking unsure, gazing up at me and then looking ahead.
Angie slowly descends the stairs. “Hi, Nolan. Do you remember me? I’m your mommy. God, I missed you so much. I . . .”
“Daddy said I don’t have to call you that.” Nolan quickly moves to stand beside me. He slides his hand around my leg. “I don’t want two mommies. Chasey doesn’t have two mommies.” With his other hand, he taps Chase’s leg. “This is Chasey,” he says.
I look down at Nolan, into his pretty gray eyes, feeling a mixture of pride and relief bubbling up inside me and spreading out to my limbs, my fingers and toes, filling me completely. Comfort so satisfying and sudden tears build behind my lashes.
Nolan is choosing me. He’s chosen me. He wants to continue calling me mommy, not anything else. I don’t have to give up that title now that Angie is back. I’ll never have to give it up.
Her presence in his life, whatever it ends up being, doesn’t affect mine. I know that now.
I blink my tears away, standing even taller than I did when I hopped out of Ben’s truck as I focus my awareness onto Angie.
She’s frozen on the bottom step, looking between Nolan and myself, lingering on the latter. Her hands trembling at her sides. Her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
I raise my eyebrow.
Try something. I dare you.
She looks away, blinking rapidly until finally fixating all of her attention onto Nolan. She grips the handrail, maybe to keep herself from collapsing. “W-Well, that’s fine. That’s okay. You don’t have to call me that. You can call me whatever you want.”
Humph. I can give him a few choice words to call you.
“Chasey can’t say a lot yet. He can’t really talk.” Nolan slides behind my legs, then around to the other side of me. He continues circling, dragging his hand across my skin and keeping his head down. “Mommy said I used to talk like Chasey, but I talk really good now. Even ‘r’s. I can say dragon and stuff. Chasey can’t say that yet. He can’t even say Nolan.”
Angie smiles weakly. “You’re such a big boy now. Do you still like dragons?”
“Yup. I like airplanes too.”
“Good, ‘cause I bought you something.” She looks at Ben, clears her throat, then shifts her eyes to me when he remains silent. “Is it okay if I give him a present?” she inquires, looking cautiously hopeful.
She’s asking me for permission? Me?
Huh. Wasn’t expecting this.
I nod once.
She disappears inside the house, then reemerges seconds later, carrying a small bag.
“Here you go. I saw it and thought of you.” She steps down and stops a foot away from Nolan, who is still gripping onto my leg, now with both hands. She holds the bag out. “Here.”
Nolan peeks out from behind me to see her, then tilts his head up, blinking, looking at me anxiously.
“Go ahead,” I tell him, knowing he really wants to find out what’s in that bag.
I know my son. He loves presents.
Nolan lurches forward and eagerly grabs the gift bag, tearing into it and letting tissue paper float into the air and fall to the ground. He pulls out a hard plastic dragon, maroon in color, with spikes going down its spine and wings extended, its mouth open to show rows of pointed teeth.
“Cool,” Nolan mutters, examining it, pressing a button on the back of its tail and watching the wings flap. He looks up at Angie. “I don’t have this one.”
“Oh, good. I was worried you had them all,” she chuckles nervously, tucking some of her shoulder length blonde hair behind her ear. “It makes noises too. I just didn’t have any batteries.”
Nolan spins around and carries the dragon over to Ben. “Do we have batteries for this, Daddy?” he asks, holding it up.
Ben takes the dragon and turns it over, looking at it briefly before handing it back. “Yeah, we have some.” He jerks his head. “Tell Angie thank you.”
“Thank you,” Nolan says over his shoulder. He tugs on Ben’s shorts. “Can we go now?” he whispers. “I wanna go play with this.”
“Wait.” Angie steps closer, her voice taking on some urgency. Her hand suspends in the air. “You can play with it here. We can go inside if you want.”
Nolan moves in, recoiling away from Angie, or from that suggestion. He presses the side of his face against Ben’s thigh. “Daddy, please?”
“Nolan,” Angie begs.
“He just said he wants to go.” I stare her down when our eyes lock.
She suddenly looks agitated, her lips pressing tightly together and her gaze hardening. A faint trace of that brusque, entitled woman I first met three years ago materializing in front of me.
I almost allowed myself to believe I’d never see her again.
Shifting Chase’s limp body in my arms, I move to stand beside Ben and Nolan, never breaking eye contact. “I think this was a good first visit,” I tell Angie, keeping my voice even. “If Nolan wants, we can set something up again another time.”
“He’s been here a whole five minutes,” she hisses, breathing in deeply through her nose. She looks directly at Ben. Her hand moves to her hip. “I’d like more time.”
“Did you not hear what my wife just said?” he snaps, his voice vibrating with anger. He takes a step forward, putting himself between us and Angie. “And what did I tell you on the phone? This is Nolan’s choice. If he wants to leave, we’re leaving. I’m not forcing him to do anything.”
“Maybe if you’d let me talk to him about it, he’d change his mind and want to stay.”
“You’re done talking. He’s ready to go.” Ben looks behind him. “Nolan, tell Angie good-bye.”
“Bye!” Nolan moves over a little so Angie can see him and waves with his free hand, clutching the dragon with the other.
I watch Angie’s expression soften as she looks down. She smiles dimly at Nolan, barely concealing her hurt. That’s all she gives him. She doesn’t say anything. Maybe she can’t without sounding too upset.
Oh fucking well.
Lifting her head, her chin quivers as she glares at Ben. “I’d like to speak with you.” Her eyes bore into mine. “In private.”
Gladly. I am so done with this bullshit little visit.
Ben turns his head, telling me with his eyes that I don’t need to go anywhere. That I belong beside him. Always, wherever he is.
I’d stick around for that look alone if I thought the conversation they’re about to have was suited for little ears.
I don’t.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go.” I grab Nolan’s hand, leading him away before the sharp edge of Ben’s voice slices through the air.
I know he’s holding himself back on account of his kids bearing witness, but even a restrained Ben is scary as hell when he’s pissed, which he is and rightly so. Angie knew what to expect. She shouldn’t be trying to assert any authority in this situation or making any demands.
This is about Nolan. What he wants. If she cared about him at all she would understand that.
I get the boys into the back seat of the truck and buckle them in. Chase is still sound asleep. He’s snoring now.
He stuffs his hands into his little pockets, looking unsure, gazing up at me and then looking ahead.
Angie slowly descends the stairs. “Hi, Nolan. Do you remember me? I’m your mommy. God, I missed you so much. I . . .”
“Daddy said I don’t have to call you that.” Nolan quickly moves to stand beside me. He slides his hand around my leg. “I don’t want two mommies. Chasey doesn’t have two mommies.” With his other hand, he taps Chase’s leg. “This is Chasey,” he says.
I look down at Nolan, into his pretty gray eyes, feeling a mixture of pride and relief bubbling up inside me and spreading out to my limbs, my fingers and toes, filling me completely. Comfort so satisfying and sudden tears build behind my lashes.
Nolan is choosing me. He’s chosen me. He wants to continue calling me mommy, not anything else. I don’t have to give up that title now that Angie is back. I’ll never have to give it up.
Her presence in his life, whatever it ends up being, doesn’t affect mine. I know that now.
I blink my tears away, standing even taller than I did when I hopped out of Ben’s truck as I focus my awareness onto Angie.
She’s frozen on the bottom step, looking between Nolan and myself, lingering on the latter. Her hands trembling at her sides. Her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
I raise my eyebrow.
Try something. I dare you.
She looks away, blinking rapidly until finally fixating all of her attention onto Nolan. She grips the handrail, maybe to keep herself from collapsing. “W-Well, that’s fine. That’s okay. You don’t have to call me that. You can call me whatever you want.”
Humph. I can give him a few choice words to call you.
“Chasey can’t say a lot yet. He can’t really talk.” Nolan slides behind my legs, then around to the other side of me. He continues circling, dragging his hand across my skin and keeping his head down. “Mommy said I used to talk like Chasey, but I talk really good now. Even ‘r’s. I can say dragon and stuff. Chasey can’t say that yet. He can’t even say Nolan.”
Angie smiles weakly. “You’re such a big boy now. Do you still like dragons?”
“Yup. I like airplanes too.”
“Good, ‘cause I bought you something.” She looks at Ben, clears her throat, then shifts her eyes to me when he remains silent. “Is it okay if I give him a present?” she inquires, looking cautiously hopeful.
She’s asking me for permission? Me?
Huh. Wasn’t expecting this.
I nod once.
She disappears inside the house, then reemerges seconds later, carrying a small bag.
“Here you go. I saw it and thought of you.” She steps down and stops a foot away from Nolan, who is still gripping onto my leg, now with both hands. She holds the bag out. “Here.”
Nolan peeks out from behind me to see her, then tilts his head up, blinking, looking at me anxiously.
“Go ahead,” I tell him, knowing he really wants to find out what’s in that bag.
I know my son. He loves presents.
Nolan lurches forward and eagerly grabs the gift bag, tearing into it and letting tissue paper float into the air and fall to the ground. He pulls out a hard plastic dragon, maroon in color, with spikes going down its spine and wings extended, its mouth open to show rows of pointed teeth.
“Cool,” Nolan mutters, examining it, pressing a button on the back of its tail and watching the wings flap. He looks up at Angie. “I don’t have this one.”
“Oh, good. I was worried you had them all,” she chuckles nervously, tucking some of her shoulder length blonde hair behind her ear. “It makes noises too. I just didn’t have any batteries.”
Nolan spins around and carries the dragon over to Ben. “Do we have batteries for this, Daddy?” he asks, holding it up.
Ben takes the dragon and turns it over, looking at it briefly before handing it back. “Yeah, we have some.” He jerks his head. “Tell Angie thank you.”
“Thank you,” Nolan says over his shoulder. He tugs on Ben’s shorts. “Can we go now?” he whispers. “I wanna go play with this.”
“Wait.” Angie steps closer, her voice taking on some urgency. Her hand suspends in the air. “You can play with it here. We can go inside if you want.”
Nolan moves in, recoiling away from Angie, or from that suggestion. He presses the side of his face against Ben’s thigh. “Daddy, please?”
“Nolan,” Angie begs.
“He just said he wants to go.” I stare her down when our eyes lock.
She suddenly looks agitated, her lips pressing tightly together and her gaze hardening. A faint trace of that brusque, entitled woman I first met three years ago materializing in front of me.
I almost allowed myself to believe I’d never see her again.
Shifting Chase’s limp body in my arms, I move to stand beside Ben and Nolan, never breaking eye contact. “I think this was a good first visit,” I tell Angie, keeping my voice even. “If Nolan wants, we can set something up again another time.”
“He’s been here a whole five minutes,” she hisses, breathing in deeply through her nose. She looks directly at Ben. Her hand moves to her hip. “I’d like more time.”
“Did you not hear what my wife just said?” he snaps, his voice vibrating with anger. He takes a step forward, putting himself between us and Angie. “And what did I tell you on the phone? This is Nolan’s choice. If he wants to leave, we’re leaving. I’m not forcing him to do anything.”
“Maybe if you’d let me talk to him about it, he’d change his mind and want to stay.”
“You’re done talking. He’s ready to go.” Ben looks behind him. “Nolan, tell Angie good-bye.”
“Bye!” Nolan moves over a little so Angie can see him and waves with his free hand, clutching the dragon with the other.
I watch Angie’s expression soften as she looks down. She smiles dimly at Nolan, barely concealing her hurt. That’s all she gives him. She doesn’t say anything. Maybe she can’t without sounding too upset.
Oh fucking well.
Lifting her head, her chin quivers as she glares at Ben. “I’d like to speak with you.” Her eyes bore into mine. “In private.”
Gladly. I am so done with this bullshit little visit.
Ben turns his head, telling me with his eyes that I don’t need to go anywhere. That I belong beside him. Always, wherever he is.
I’d stick around for that look alone if I thought the conversation they’re about to have was suited for little ears.
I don’t.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go.” I grab Nolan’s hand, leading him away before the sharp edge of Ben’s voice slices through the air.
I know he’s holding himself back on account of his kids bearing witness, but even a restrained Ben is scary as hell when he’s pissed, which he is and rightly so. Angie knew what to expect. She shouldn’t be trying to assert any authority in this situation or making any demands.
This is about Nolan. What he wants. If she cared about him at all she would understand that.
I get the boys into the back seat of the truck and buckle them in. Chase is still sound asleep. He’s snoring now.
