White Trash Beautiful
Page 18
“You know what they say about a man who dances well, don’t you?” I joked.
“Would you like me to show you?” He pulled his face back, smirking.
“I think I’d like another dance.” I pulled his cheek against mine and closed my eyes.
The song ended and faded into the next. Frank Sinatra lightened the mood as he bellowed “The Way You Look Tonight.” I smiled as Tucker began to sing the words in my ear, tickling me with his breath. His mood changed considerably as he pulled back and spun me around before pulling me tight against him once more. I giggled and stared into the fathomless depths of his eyes as he continued to serenade me.
We spun around the room as if it were a ballroom and my robe a fancy gown. As Tucker sang the last line, his forehead rested against mine, and I could taste the sweet mint of his breath blowing against my lips. “ ‘Just the way you look tonight.’ ”
Our eyes fell closed, and for what felt like an eternity, we held completely still, not wanting this moment to end. My hands loosened from his neck and slid down to his chest. His breathing became more ragged as his hands slid to my neck and his fingers traced my collarbone, sliding over my shoulder, brushing aside the robe to the fading green and yellow bruises on my arm.
I dug my teeth into my lower lip as I searched his eyes for answers to unasked questions.
“I won’t hurt you,” he said quietly, and waited for my response.
“I trust you, Tucker.”
He nodded in understanding as his lips crushed into mine. His fingers frantically searched my skin as my robe fell down my arms, catching at the elbows. I slipped my fingers inside his robe and ran the pads of my fingers over his bare, tattooed chest and down the ridges of his abdomen. His muscles flexed under my fingers as his tongue expertly coaxed mine into a deeper kiss. I slid my hands back up his body and pushed his robe loose from his shoulders. He groaned and his lips left mine, trailing hot kisses down my neck as his hand rose to cup the weight of my breast. His thumb slid gently over my nipple, causing it to grow hard under his touch. His tongue slid against the hollow of my neck as his other hand moved to my lower back, pulling me tighter into his arms. My back arched to meet his need, and I could feel just how much he wanted me through the fabric of our robes.
He walked me backward until the back of my knees pressed against the edge of the mattress. The music of “I Really Want You” filled the room to drown out our heavy panting and frantic heartbeats.
Tucker pulled back so he could look me in the eye as his fingers quickly undid the belt around my waist. My robe fell open and slipped down my body to pool at my feet. It looked as though I were standing on a cloud. That is exactly how I felt. Tucker ran his fingers over my cheek and traced the line of my jaw.
“You can say no at any time. I won’t ever make you do something you don’t want to.” He swallowed hard as if waiting for me to tell him to stop, but I couldn’t. Every fiber of my being wanted him. I needed to feel him against me, inside me.
“Please don’t stop.” I reached between us and slowly pulled with shaky fingers at the belt that wrapped around his waist. His robe fell open and joined mine on the floor at our feet. His eyes finally broke from mine for a split second as he took in my naked body. I did the same, taking in the artwork that covered his torso in bright, vibrant colors.
“You are perfect.” His words were reverent and delivered with a sudden, hungry kiss. We both tumbled back onto the bed behind me. His fingers wrapped with mine as he pressed them into the mattress on either side of my head. He settled in between my thighs. His hips slowly rocked against me as his mouth found mine again. I squeezed his hands as I matched his movements. My lips parted slightly and his tongue found mine.
“Are you sure?” He was breathless.
“You are the only thing in my life I’ve ever been sure about.”
He slowly pushed against me. I moaned into his mouth as he filled me, stilling my hips as my body adjusted to his size.
“I’m hurting you.” He pulled his mouth from mine and searched my eyes.
“No . . .” I pushed down onto him until he filled me completely, my body and my heart. My back arched toward him as we became more frantic and consumed by this driving desire. He rolled his hips against me as he released my hands, and we clung to each other, desperate to get closer.
All that mattered was here and now.
Our bodies moved perfectly together as if made for each other. I’d never felt so cared for and completely consumed by someone. It was overwhelming. My body pulsed in time with our heartbeats as we slowed our pace. My fingers fisted in his hair as Tucker pushed his lips softly against each of my bruises. I let my eyes fall closed as I burned into memory what it felt like to have him against my skin.
“Look at me, Cass. I want to see you.”
I slowly opened my eyes and locked onto his intense gaze. Ripples of pleasure pulsated through my body as my nails dug into his flesh. His mouth covered mine, drinking in my moans as we came together, writhing in passion.
When it was over, we were both panting and covered in a thin veil of sweat. Tucker’s body collapsed on top of mine as he held me tightly in his arms.
But then all of my sadness and regret washed over me as I struggled to simply let go and just live in the moment. The pain of my real life was crushing, and I knew deep down I had made a mistake by stepping out of it and letting myself believe I could have more. My heart hurt in my chest as it pounded against Tucker’s body. I could feel tears forming and I squeezed my eyes closed, begging them to stay at bay until I was on my own. I’d let it go too far. I felt too much for him and I wouldn’t be able to just forget about him now. I didn’t just have sex with Tucker, I had made love to him.
“Please don’t regret me, Cass.” His voice was barely audible as he ran his thumb over my cheek, catching the stray tear that had betrayed me. His words unleashed a floodgate. I didn’t regret being with him. I regretted letting him into my heart and knowing he would be ripped out soon. It was all suddenly too much to take.
His arms wrapped around me and he held me tightly against his body as I sobbed into his shoulder. I knew I should say something, anything, to make him understand, but there were no words. There was nothing to say.
I suddenly thought of Dorris, and his band, and I realized that he was already on his way out of my life. Nothing was going to change that. Even if Tucker wanted to stay with me, it dawned on me that I could never let him jeopardize his career for me. He needed to tour and become the famous rock star he was destined to be. I would only get in the way of that. He needed to focus. Our lives were on two different paths, and I was thankful that at this one moment in time those paths intersected. But if I truly cared for him, then I knew I couldn’t stand in the way of his dream.
Instead of telling him my heart ached because I didn’t want to lose him, instead of telling him my every thought was consumed by him, I simply had to let it go. A knock sounded at the door, and I pushed him from my body and scrambled from the bed, then picked up my robe from the floor. I put it on and tied it, then opened the door to find our freshly dried clothing in a bag just outside. I grabbed it and hurried into the bathroom to change. I just had to get out of there. It would only become harder and harder to leave.
Tucker was soon on the other side of the door knocking. “Cass, I’m sorry. For whatever is hurting you. I’m sorry.” His voice shook with the words, and I hated myself. I slowly opened the door, avoiding his eyes. He had dressed in a hurry, too. This had to end now. I was already in over my head, and if I didn’t push him away now, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say good-bye.
“It’s too late for you and your white horse. I can’t be saved.” I swiped a tear from my face and pushed past him. He grabbed me by my upper arm to stop me. I swung around and glared at him.
His fingers slowly released my arm as his eyes burned into mine. “Fine. I’ll take you home.” He ran his hands through his hair before grabbing his keys and wallet from the dresser.
He was pissed, confused, and the mood in the room had completely changed. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had finally stopped floating and landed, hard, on solid ground. Now I just needed to be home in my own bed. That was reality. The trailer park. This was all just a cruel joke being played on my heart.
We made our way to Tucker’s motorcycle in complete silence. He held out his extra helmet to me, but his eyes did not meet mine. I wanted to apologize and throw my arms around him, but I couldn’t. I was broken. I needed to do what was best for Tucker, even if he ended up hating me for it. I slipped the helmet over my head and silently wept to myself as I slipped onto the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around his waist. He tensed but quickly relaxed and took off into the night. His speed was frightening, but I didn’t say a word. The sooner this was over, the better. The city faded to black as we made our way into Eddington. My heart seized as I thought about our final good-bye. It had to be done, but it didn’t make this any easier. For me at least. As much as I knew that there was something special between us, I was also sure there was a Cass in every city along his tour. But he was the only Tucker for me. No amount of punishment from Jackson compared to the pain I was putting myself through at this moment.
As we pulled to a stop under the giant oak tree, I clung to Tucker for an extra minute before forcing myself to let go of him, physically and emotionally. I removed my helmet and handed it to him as he removed his and stood in front of me.
“I’m sorry.” My words shook as a sob escaped my lips.
He reached out and took my hand in his, shaking his head. “I’m not sorry, Cass. You have no idea how much this time with you meant to me.” He grabbed the small phone he had given me earlier from his pocket and slipped it into my hand.
“I can’t.” I pushed the phone back toward him, but he refused it.
“I need to know you’re safe. I’ll feel better if you have it.” He sighed and kicked at the dirt under our feet before running his hand through his hair again.
“Thank you.” I wasn’t just thanking him for the phone. I was thanking him for the time, the affection, the happiness that I bathed in when he was by my side. I tried to keep my guard up and protect myself from feeling something, anything, but I wasn’t strong enough. Tucker had worked his way into my heart and it was killing me to push him away.
“It doesn’t have to end this way.”
“Yes, it does, Tucker.”
He nodded and got back onto his bike. He gave me one last glance before he slid his helmet on and revved the engine. I stepped back a few feet to avoid getting caught in his cloud of dust as he took off. I watched as he made his way onto the road and his taillights faded into nothingness. Just as I faded back into nothingness, too.
My heart had shattered into a million shards, and every tiny piece was piercing my soul. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to forget about him, to move on. I slowly made my way across the dark, deserted lot toward the trailer park. For the first time, I wasn’t filled with fear. I didn’t care if I came face-to-face with Jax. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I took a deep breath and pulled open the door to the trailer.
Chapter Eighteen
JAX WAS SPRAWLED on the couch with his arm over his face. I slowly stepped inside, careful not to wake him. As I crossed the living room, his arm shot out and he grabbed me by my wrist.
“Where were you?” His voice was gravelly from sleep.
“I was out smoking a cigarette.” My voice shook and I closed my eyes, cursing myself for not being stronger.
He let go of me and adjusted himself on the couch to get more comfortable. “I thought you quit?”
“I did. I just gave up right now. Go back to sleep.”
He mumbled something under his breath and rolled over into the back of the couch.
I sighed and walked back to my bedroom. As soon as I got inside, the floodgates opened and I sobbed uncontrollably as I hugged my teddy bear to my chest.
I pulled the phone from my back pocket, dying inside to dial Tucker’s number and tell him how sorry I was. I needed to hear his voice. I clutched the phone to my chest as my emotions completely consumed me.
Tucker was probably on his way to Florida. I had treated him like complete shit and made him feel as if he were nothing to me, someone I could just sleep with and then cast aside. He only left the phone for emergencies. I repeated this in my head several times before burying the phone in the depths of my closet, determined to never use it to call Tucker.
It would only make things worse. I needed to get over him.
I stripped off my clothes and made my way into the bathroom. A warm shower would have been nice, but the water wasn’t too cold. I slathered my bath sponge with soap and began scrubbing the salty coconut scent from my skin. I could smell him, feel his touch. His words echoed inside my head and my heart was in jagged pieces. My tears mingled with the shower water and ran over me to cleanse myself of my sins. I scrubbed harder as my chest heaved, desperate to wash him away.
I always thought that I had gotten the short end of the stick. That I didn’t deserve the life that was handed to me. But now I’d earned it. Now, standing in the trailer that Jax had bought for me, my home, I couldn’t deny the truth: I’d lied and cheated on Jackson. No matter what he had done to me, I still felt guilty. I didn’t want to be that kind of person.
I let the soap wash from my body and pool at the drain before shutting off the water and opening the shower curtain. A shiver ran down my body and my thoughts went to the fountain in Savannah. I forced the tears to stay inside as I grabbed a towel hanging on the rack and quickly wrapped it around myself.
“Would you like me to show you?” He pulled his face back, smirking.
“I think I’d like another dance.” I pulled his cheek against mine and closed my eyes.
The song ended and faded into the next. Frank Sinatra lightened the mood as he bellowed “The Way You Look Tonight.” I smiled as Tucker began to sing the words in my ear, tickling me with his breath. His mood changed considerably as he pulled back and spun me around before pulling me tight against him once more. I giggled and stared into the fathomless depths of his eyes as he continued to serenade me.
We spun around the room as if it were a ballroom and my robe a fancy gown. As Tucker sang the last line, his forehead rested against mine, and I could taste the sweet mint of his breath blowing against my lips. “ ‘Just the way you look tonight.’ ”
Our eyes fell closed, and for what felt like an eternity, we held completely still, not wanting this moment to end. My hands loosened from his neck and slid down to his chest. His breathing became more ragged as his hands slid to my neck and his fingers traced my collarbone, sliding over my shoulder, brushing aside the robe to the fading green and yellow bruises on my arm.
I dug my teeth into my lower lip as I searched his eyes for answers to unasked questions.
“I won’t hurt you,” he said quietly, and waited for my response.
“I trust you, Tucker.”
He nodded in understanding as his lips crushed into mine. His fingers frantically searched my skin as my robe fell down my arms, catching at the elbows. I slipped my fingers inside his robe and ran the pads of my fingers over his bare, tattooed chest and down the ridges of his abdomen. His muscles flexed under my fingers as his tongue expertly coaxed mine into a deeper kiss. I slid my hands back up his body and pushed his robe loose from his shoulders. He groaned and his lips left mine, trailing hot kisses down my neck as his hand rose to cup the weight of my breast. His thumb slid gently over my nipple, causing it to grow hard under his touch. His tongue slid against the hollow of my neck as his other hand moved to my lower back, pulling me tighter into his arms. My back arched to meet his need, and I could feel just how much he wanted me through the fabric of our robes.
He walked me backward until the back of my knees pressed against the edge of the mattress. The music of “I Really Want You” filled the room to drown out our heavy panting and frantic heartbeats.
Tucker pulled back so he could look me in the eye as his fingers quickly undid the belt around my waist. My robe fell open and slipped down my body to pool at my feet. It looked as though I were standing on a cloud. That is exactly how I felt. Tucker ran his fingers over my cheek and traced the line of my jaw.
“You can say no at any time. I won’t ever make you do something you don’t want to.” He swallowed hard as if waiting for me to tell him to stop, but I couldn’t. Every fiber of my being wanted him. I needed to feel him against me, inside me.
“Please don’t stop.” I reached between us and slowly pulled with shaky fingers at the belt that wrapped around his waist. His robe fell open and joined mine on the floor at our feet. His eyes finally broke from mine for a split second as he took in my naked body. I did the same, taking in the artwork that covered his torso in bright, vibrant colors.
“You are perfect.” His words were reverent and delivered with a sudden, hungry kiss. We both tumbled back onto the bed behind me. His fingers wrapped with mine as he pressed them into the mattress on either side of my head. He settled in between my thighs. His hips slowly rocked against me as his mouth found mine again. I squeezed his hands as I matched his movements. My lips parted slightly and his tongue found mine.
“Are you sure?” He was breathless.
“You are the only thing in my life I’ve ever been sure about.”
He slowly pushed against me. I moaned into his mouth as he filled me, stilling my hips as my body adjusted to his size.
“I’m hurting you.” He pulled his mouth from mine and searched my eyes.
“No . . .” I pushed down onto him until he filled me completely, my body and my heart. My back arched toward him as we became more frantic and consumed by this driving desire. He rolled his hips against me as he released my hands, and we clung to each other, desperate to get closer.
All that mattered was here and now.
Our bodies moved perfectly together as if made for each other. I’d never felt so cared for and completely consumed by someone. It was overwhelming. My body pulsed in time with our heartbeats as we slowed our pace. My fingers fisted in his hair as Tucker pushed his lips softly against each of my bruises. I let my eyes fall closed as I burned into memory what it felt like to have him against my skin.
“Look at me, Cass. I want to see you.”
I slowly opened my eyes and locked onto his intense gaze. Ripples of pleasure pulsated through my body as my nails dug into his flesh. His mouth covered mine, drinking in my moans as we came together, writhing in passion.
When it was over, we were both panting and covered in a thin veil of sweat. Tucker’s body collapsed on top of mine as he held me tightly in his arms.
But then all of my sadness and regret washed over me as I struggled to simply let go and just live in the moment. The pain of my real life was crushing, and I knew deep down I had made a mistake by stepping out of it and letting myself believe I could have more. My heart hurt in my chest as it pounded against Tucker’s body. I could feel tears forming and I squeezed my eyes closed, begging them to stay at bay until I was on my own. I’d let it go too far. I felt too much for him and I wouldn’t be able to just forget about him now. I didn’t just have sex with Tucker, I had made love to him.
“Please don’t regret me, Cass.” His voice was barely audible as he ran his thumb over my cheek, catching the stray tear that had betrayed me. His words unleashed a floodgate. I didn’t regret being with him. I regretted letting him into my heart and knowing he would be ripped out soon. It was all suddenly too much to take.
His arms wrapped around me and he held me tightly against his body as I sobbed into his shoulder. I knew I should say something, anything, to make him understand, but there were no words. There was nothing to say.
I suddenly thought of Dorris, and his band, and I realized that he was already on his way out of my life. Nothing was going to change that. Even if Tucker wanted to stay with me, it dawned on me that I could never let him jeopardize his career for me. He needed to tour and become the famous rock star he was destined to be. I would only get in the way of that. He needed to focus. Our lives were on two different paths, and I was thankful that at this one moment in time those paths intersected. But if I truly cared for him, then I knew I couldn’t stand in the way of his dream.
Instead of telling him my heart ached because I didn’t want to lose him, instead of telling him my every thought was consumed by him, I simply had to let it go. A knock sounded at the door, and I pushed him from my body and scrambled from the bed, then picked up my robe from the floor. I put it on and tied it, then opened the door to find our freshly dried clothing in a bag just outside. I grabbed it and hurried into the bathroom to change. I just had to get out of there. It would only become harder and harder to leave.
Tucker was soon on the other side of the door knocking. “Cass, I’m sorry. For whatever is hurting you. I’m sorry.” His voice shook with the words, and I hated myself. I slowly opened the door, avoiding his eyes. He had dressed in a hurry, too. This had to end now. I was already in over my head, and if I didn’t push him away now, I wouldn’t be strong enough to say good-bye.
“It’s too late for you and your white horse. I can’t be saved.” I swiped a tear from my face and pushed past him. He grabbed me by my upper arm to stop me. I swung around and glared at him.
His fingers slowly released my arm as his eyes burned into mine. “Fine. I’ll take you home.” He ran his hands through his hair before grabbing his keys and wallet from the dresser.
He was pissed, confused, and the mood in the room had completely changed. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had finally stopped floating and landed, hard, on solid ground. Now I just needed to be home in my own bed. That was reality. The trailer park. This was all just a cruel joke being played on my heart.
We made our way to Tucker’s motorcycle in complete silence. He held out his extra helmet to me, but his eyes did not meet mine. I wanted to apologize and throw my arms around him, but I couldn’t. I was broken. I needed to do what was best for Tucker, even if he ended up hating me for it. I slipped the helmet over my head and silently wept to myself as I slipped onto the back of his bike and wrapped my arms around his waist. He tensed but quickly relaxed and took off into the night. His speed was frightening, but I didn’t say a word. The sooner this was over, the better. The city faded to black as we made our way into Eddington. My heart seized as I thought about our final good-bye. It had to be done, but it didn’t make this any easier. For me at least. As much as I knew that there was something special between us, I was also sure there was a Cass in every city along his tour. But he was the only Tucker for me. No amount of punishment from Jackson compared to the pain I was putting myself through at this moment.
As we pulled to a stop under the giant oak tree, I clung to Tucker for an extra minute before forcing myself to let go of him, physically and emotionally. I removed my helmet and handed it to him as he removed his and stood in front of me.
“I’m sorry.” My words shook as a sob escaped my lips.
He reached out and took my hand in his, shaking his head. “I’m not sorry, Cass. You have no idea how much this time with you meant to me.” He grabbed the small phone he had given me earlier from his pocket and slipped it into my hand.
“I can’t.” I pushed the phone back toward him, but he refused it.
“I need to know you’re safe. I’ll feel better if you have it.” He sighed and kicked at the dirt under our feet before running his hand through his hair again.
“Thank you.” I wasn’t just thanking him for the phone. I was thanking him for the time, the affection, the happiness that I bathed in when he was by my side. I tried to keep my guard up and protect myself from feeling something, anything, but I wasn’t strong enough. Tucker had worked his way into my heart and it was killing me to push him away.
“It doesn’t have to end this way.”
“Yes, it does, Tucker.”
He nodded and got back onto his bike. He gave me one last glance before he slid his helmet on and revved the engine. I stepped back a few feet to avoid getting caught in his cloud of dust as he took off. I watched as he made his way onto the road and his taillights faded into nothingness. Just as I faded back into nothingness, too.
My heart had shattered into a million shards, and every tiny piece was piercing my soul. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to forget about him, to move on. I slowly made my way across the dark, deserted lot toward the trailer park. For the first time, I wasn’t filled with fear. I didn’t care if I came face-to-face with Jax. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I took a deep breath and pulled open the door to the trailer.
Chapter Eighteen
JAX WAS SPRAWLED on the couch with his arm over his face. I slowly stepped inside, careful not to wake him. As I crossed the living room, his arm shot out and he grabbed me by my wrist.
“Where were you?” His voice was gravelly from sleep.
“I was out smoking a cigarette.” My voice shook and I closed my eyes, cursing myself for not being stronger.
He let go of me and adjusted himself on the couch to get more comfortable. “I thought you quit?”
“I did. I just gave up right now. Go back to sleep.”
He mumbled something under his breath and rolled over into the back of the couch.
I sighed and walked back to my bedroom. As soon as I got inside, the floodgates opened and I sobbed uncontrollably as I hugged my teddy bear to my chest.
I pulled the phone from my back pocket, dying inside to dial Tucker’s number and tell him how sorry I was. I needed to hear his voice. I clutched the phone to my chest as my emotions completely consumed me.
Tucker was probably on his way to Florida. I had treated him like complete shit and made him feel as if he were nothing to me, someone I could just sleep with and then cast aside. He only left the phone for emergencies. I repeated this in my head several times before burying the phone in the depths of my closet, determined to never use it to call Tucker.
It would only make things worse. I needed to get over him.
I stripped off my clothes and made my way into the bathroom. A warm shower would have been nice, but the water wasn’t too cold. I slathered my bath sponge with soap and began scrubbing the salty coconut scent from my skin. I could smell him, feel his touch. His words echoed inside my head and my heart was in jagged pieces. My tears mingled with the shower water and ran over me to cleanse myself of my sins. I scrubbed harder as my chest heaved, desperate to wash him away.
I always thought that I had gotten the short end of the stick. That I didn’t deserve the life that was handed to me. But now I’d earned it. Now, standing in the trailer that Jax had bought for me, my home, I couldn’t deny the truth: I’d lied and cheated on Jackson. No matter what he had done to me, I still felt guilty. I didn’t want to be that kind of person.
I let the soap wash from my body and pool at the drain before shutting off the water and opening the shower curtain. A shiver ran down my body and my thoughts went to the fountain in Savannah. I forced the tears to stay inside as I grabbed a towel hanging on the rack and quickly wrapped it around myself.
