White Trash Beautiful
Page 2
“You okay, Cass?” Tucker asked quietly.
How did he know my name? Right, I’d told him when I took his order. I was surprised he still remembered it. Most people left this place and never looked back. It felt incredibly personal having him address me by something other than “Miss” or “Hey, you.”
“I’ll get you that burger.” I sighed as I put my hand on the table to push myself up. His hand landed on mine and I jumped at the unexpected contact. Maybe it was the years of having to shield myself from my mother’s boyfriend of the week, but I hated to be touched, even if that touch caused my heart to race the way it was now. My flinching was now commonplace with any human contact. He glanced at my hand and at me, slowly sliding his fingers back. He swallowed and nodded.
I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Did he want to watch me cry? Did he not get enough of my humiliation the first time he stopped in? That’s why he’d left in such a hurry, no doubt. I put in the order as Larry eyed me curiously, but he didn’t say anything.
I lingered by the waitress station, not wanting to go back over to Tucker’s table. He was the only customer I had. I was sure it was obvious to him that I was avoiding him. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He stared out the dirty window, lost in thought. I let myself have a minute to eye him up and down. His jeans looked dirty and well worn, but upon closer inspection, it appeared he paid to have his clothes look as if they were falling apart. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the station. What an ass**le. He actually paid money to look poor. I looked over my shoulder again, and this time my eyes landed directly on his. I blushed and grabbed a bottle of ketchup, taking it over and setting it on the table in front of him.
“You want a beer?” I tucked a long, straight strand of hair behind my ear. What was I doing? Larry was going to have a fit.
Tucker smiled and gave a quick nod. “You do still owe me one from earlier.”
I turned on my heel and went into the kitchen. Larry raised his spatula as I opened the fridge and grabbed two beers, and I gave him an evil glare, silently warning him not to f**k with me. He wiped the spatula on his tattered apron and flipped the burger over. I owed Tucker for being so generous. That was what I told myself. I was only being nice to return the favor.
I’d had all the shit I could take for one day. With a mental shrug, I slipped out the door. I hoped Larry didn’t see the beers and make good on his threat to get me fired. His wife was only half as mean as he was, and I was sure that was the only reason I still had this job. It was my only escape from the life that sat just across the dusty parking lot. This place may have looked as if it should have been condemned years ago, but it was my sanctuary.
I set the beers on the table and slipped into the booth across from Tucker. He grinned and grabbed my bottle, twisting the cap off for me before taking care of his own. I managed a genuine smile and picked up my beer.
Tucker took a long drink from his beer before sighing and tilting the bottle in his hand to read the label. “So . . . that ass**le from earlier . . .” His voice trailed off and his eyes stayed glued to the label of the bottle as if it had the answers to his questions. I took a drink and eyed him suspiciously. Why did he care? Was he just making small talk? That’s all this was. Clearly I was his entertainment for the night.
“Boyfriend,” I sighed, and began to peel the label from my drink. The alcohol warmed my body quickly. On an empty stomach, the effects took hold much quicker.
Tucker nodded and drank his beer until the bottle was empty. “That’s a shame.”
“His bark is worse than his bite.” That wasn’t the least bit true, but I wasn’t about to admit how weak I actually was to a total stranger.
“Maybe someone needs to muzzle him.”
“What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?”
He laughed and spun his bottle in his hand before his eyes connected with mine.
“Depends.” He leaned forward on his elbows. “You gonna leave that ass**le?”
I sat back in my seat, completely shocked by his forwardness.
The bell dinged, signaling his food was ready, and I jumped. “I’ll go get that.” I smiled awkwardly as I rushed to the kitchen.
“Tryin’ to make you some extra cash tonight?” Larry made a disgusting motion with his hips that made bile rise in my throat.
I shook my head. “Fuck off, you old perv!” I grabbed the food and stormed away angrily. I was mostly angry at myself. Why did I sit down with the guy in the first place? If Larry decided to make small talk with Jax about this, there would be hell to pay.
I set the food on the table and nodded politely at Tucker before turning to leave.
“Wait! You aren’t going to keep me company?” I could hear the smile in his voice. It pushed me over the edge. I knew what guys like him wanted; it was what all guys wanted.
I turned around and took three steps, closing the gap between us. I placed my hands on the table and leaned in closer to him. He smelled of coconut. That caught me off guard. It was the beach, the scent of freedom wafting from his hair.
“I’m not some f**king whore. You can’t buy my time.”
He sat back in his seat, taken aback by my remark. I knew I was taking out my anger at Larry on him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“I just wanted some company, and you looked like . . .”
“I looked like what? An easy lay?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Nothing about you is easy, that much I can already tell.” He grinned as he picked up his burger and took a big bite, then dropped it back on his plate, his eyes staring ahead of him.
My stomach growled with hunger, and I turned and stormed away, completely taken aback by his response.
I didn’t approach Tucker again until I was certain he was finished eating. I dropped off his check without a word. I watched from the kitchen as he dug some cash out of his wallet and dropped it on the table. He looked around one last time and left. The sound of his motorcycle growled in the distance.
I sighed and went to his table to collect the money so I could cash out my final table of the evening. I grabbed the money and reached for his plate. Spelled out in ketchup was the word sorry. I sighed and wiped down the table. I needed sleep.
I cashed out quickly and yelled to Larry that I was leaving and set off across the dark dirt lot toward home. The trailer was quiet, and I knew that Mom and Jax were probably passed out. At least, I hoped they were.
I tiptoed inside and made my way down the hall. Just as I had hoped, they were both fast asleep. A drug-induced coma would be a more accurate description. I pulled off my red Chuck Taylor sneakers and tossed them into my room, then made my way back to the front door, grabbing my cigarettes on the way outside.
I didn’t hesitate this time to light one. What was the point of maintaining my health? Did I really want to live any longer in this hellhole? It was a relatively quiet night. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend I was someone else. Almost. Off in the distance, a dog barked wildly and I could hear the Hansons a few trailers down fighting or . . . whatever it was they did that made her sound like that. Gross.
After a last drag, I threw my cigarette out into a puddle on the road and headed back inside. I waited a few minutes until my nerves could not take any more. They were asleep. No one was watching. I tiptoed into my room and slipped my old, tattered teddy bear from my dresser. My father had given it to me when I was little. That was before he forgot about me. I slipped my fingers into a hidden slit in his back and pulled out a small wad of money. I had been saving for what felt like a lifetime. I needed enough for first and last months’ rent for a new place. Somewhere a few towns away. I smiled. A few more weeks, and I might be able to pull it off. Someone stirred and I slipped the money back inside the safety of my bear.
I snuck out into the living room and flipped on the television. A few minutes later, Jax came out of the bathroom in a daze.
“Hey,” he said, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“Hey.” I didn’t look at him. A nothingness was in his eyes anyway. The way he always looked when he used. He’d promised me a million times he would stop. Lies. It was always lies. I flipped between the three channels that we got, looking for something other than the news.
“You got any money?” Now he was scratching his stomach under his wifebeater.
“When do I ever have any money?” I snapped, and clicked off the television. I got up and pushed past him, hitting him hard with my shoulder.
“Fuck, Cass, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”
I slammed the door to my bedroom and dropped down on the bed, burying my face in my floral comforter. For the countless time, I cried myself to sleep.
Chapter Three
UGGHH . . .” I REACHED for the alarm and swatted it a few times until it finally stopped beeping. I didn’t want to open my eyes. Dreams were always better than reality. Last night, I was four years old again, and with my mother and father. He was tall and strong with wispy blond hair. My mother still had the light in her eyes that had since burned out. She looked identical to me in my memories. She smiled and laughed while she and my father each held one of my hands. Every few steps they would raise their arms, lifting me off the ground. It felt as if I were flying and I’d loved it. The adult me remembered and missed those times.
Resigned, I stretched and sat up, looking around my room. The walls were dingy green and the carpet a stained blue. It was hideous. I kept it clean, but no amount of scrubbing could make it easy on the eyes. All of my furniture was secondhand and broken.
“Cass!” Jax screamed from the living room. I yawned and allowed myself another moment of peace before dressing for work and walking out to the living room to find him. He was sprawled on the brown couch, rubbing his temples.
“I don’t feel good,” he moaned, his brows drawn together.
“What’s wrong?” I sat down beside him and put my hand on his forehead. He didn’t feel feverish. “Headache?” He nodded and pulled me down to his chest. I wanted to fight him. I hated that he had lied to me again. But instead I rested my head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart.
He ran a hand through my hair. “I didn’t mean to, Cass. I f**ked up.”
I knew he didn’t want to be a junkie. He was addicted and had no way out. I’d tried to get him to join a group to help him through it. I’d even brought a pamphlet home. He tore it up and threw it in my face. He said that groups were for pussies. He could quit on his own. I looked up at his face and his eyes were still squeezed shut. He was wrong, I thought with a sigh.
“I have to get ready for work.” I sat up, but Jackson grabbed my wrists and tried to pull me back to him.
“Stay.” He pulled harder until my body fell against his.
I slapped him in the chest and stood again. “I have to go to work. I don’t want to be stuck here forever.”
His eyes shot open and I knew I had said the wrong thing.
“What’s wrong with here, Cass? You too good for this place? You would be living on the street right now if I hadn’t got us this place.” His voice was low and cold.
I took a step backward.
He sat up and slowly pushed to his feet. “You want to suck dick for a living like your mama used to?” He stepped closer. My legs were against the chair now, and I was struggling to keep from falling back into it. “I bet that’s how you get your tips.”
“I’m sorry.” My voice was barely a whisper. My throat had dried and I could barely speak. The attitude I used to protect myself from the world disappeared around Jax. It always did. He was stronger than me physically, but that isn’t what eventually broke me down. His words were what hurt the most. After being told for so long that I was worthless and no one else would want me, I began to believe it. I always put on a strong face for others. Trying to prove I wasn’t the weak little girl I felt like inside, but Jax saw through my façade; it crumbled under his penetrating stare.
He wasn’t always like this. It was only when he used and needed another fix. His hand shot out and grabbed my upper arm. He squeezed and I cried out in pain as my knees buckled.
His face was over mine now, his jaw clenched. “You ungrateful . . . worthless little bitch.”
I flinched at his words. They hurt worse than his hands. “I’m just trying to make it better for us,” I whispered.
“Oh, I am not man enough to provide for you?”
“I have to go. I have to . . .”
He leaned in closer until our noses touched. “You are nothing but white trash.”
He let go of my arm, pushing me back into the chair. I fell less than gracefully. I quickly put my hands over my face to shield myself from any blows that might come my way. Nothing. I peeked between my fingers and sighed. I was alone. I grabbed my apron and left as quickly as possible.
I was working morning and evening shifts that day. While I hated my job, it was better than the alternative. I would do anything to keep from becoming homeless. Plus, I had so far been able to save $600. I could almost taste freedom. A new life. I just had to push myself a little harder and I could make things better for us. I could get Jackson some help and maybe help my mother find some friends, a network of support. I wanted a home that was all my own. I wanted to be proud of who I was and not have to worry if I would be able to afford food or hot water. For once, I wanted to take those basic necessities for granted.
“You’re a half hour early,” Larry called from the kitchen. I pushed into the room and began my prep work for the shift.
“I won’t clock in early. I just needed to get away.” I shrugged and began to fill the salt and pepper shakers. He didn’t respond, didn’t make any smart-ass remarks. He knew what went on at my place. The whole trailer park knew. Not that they cared. Everyone had his or her own problems and mine weren’t special. In fact, a lot of people had it worse.
How did he know my name? Right, I’d told him when I took his order. I was surprised he still remembered it. Most people left this place and never looked back. It felt incredibly personal having him address me by something other than “Miss” or “Hey, you.”
“I’ll get you that burger.” I sighed as I put my hand on the table to push myself up. His hand landed on mine and I jumped at the unexpected contact. Maybe it was the years of having to shield myself from my mother’s boyfriend of the week, but I hated to be touched, even if that touch caused my heart to race the way it was now. My flinching was now commonplace with any human contact. He glanced at my hand and at me, slowly sliding his fingers back. He swallowed and nodded.
I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Did he want to watch me cry? Did he not get enough of my humiliation the first time he stopped in? That’s why he’d left in such a hurry, no doubt. I put in the order as Larry eyed me curiously, but he didn’t say anything.
I lingered by the waitress station, not wanting to go back over to Tucker’s table. He was the only customer I had. I was sure it was obvious to him that I was avoiding him. I glanced over my shoulder at him. He stared out the dirty window, lost in thought. I let myself have a minute to eye him up and down. His jeans looked dirty and well worn, but upon closer inspection, it appeared he paid to have his clothes look as if they were falling apart. I rolled my eyes and looked back at the station. What an ass**le. He actually paid money to look poor. I looked over my shoulder again, and this time my eyes landed directly on his. I blushed and grabbed a bottle of ketchup, taking it over and setting it on the table in front of him.
“You want a beer?” I tucked a long, straight strand of hair behind my ear. What was I doing? Larry was going to have a fit.
Tucker smiled and gave a quick nod. “You do still owe me one from earlier.”
I turned on my heel and went into the kitchen. Larry raised his spatula as I opened the fridge and grabbed two beers, and I gave him an evil glare, silently warning him not to f**k with me. He wiped the spatula on his tattered apron and flipped the burger over. I owed Tucker for being so generous. That was what I told myself. I was only being nice to return the favor.
I’d had all the shit I could take for one day. With a mental shrug, I slipped out the door. I hoped Larry didn’t see the beers and make good on his threat to get me fired. His wife was only half as mean as he was, and I was sure that was the only reason I still had this job. It was my only escape from the life that sat just across the dusty parking lot. This place may have looked as if it should have been condemned years ago, but it was my sanctuary.
I set the beers on the table and slipped into the booth across from Tucker. He grinned and grabbed my bottle, twisting the cap off for me before taking care of his own. I managed a genuine smile and picked up my beer.
Tucker took a long drink from his beer before sighing and tilting the bottle in his hand to read the label. “So . . . that ass**le from earlier . . .” His voice trailed off and his eyes stayed glued to the label of the bottle as if it had the answers to his questions. I took a drink and eyed him suspiciously. Why did he care? Was he just making small talk? That’s all this was. Clearly I was his entertainment for the night.
“Boyfriend,” I sighed, and began to peel the label from my drink. The alcohol warmed my body quickly. On an empty stomach, the effects took hold much quicker.
Tucker nodded and drank his beer until the bottle was empty. “That’s a shame.”
“His bark is worse than his bite.” That wasn’t the least bit true, but I wasn’t about to admit how weak I actually was to a total stranger.
“Maybe someone needs to muzzle him.”
“What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?”
He laughed and spun his bottle in his hand before his eyes connected with mine.
“Depends.” He leaned forward on his elbows. “You gonna leave that ass**le?”
I sat back in my seat, completely shocked by his forwardness.
The bell dinged, signaling his food was ready, and I jumped. “I’ll go get that.” I smiled awkwardly as I rushed to the kitchen.
“Tryin’ to make you some extra cash tonight?” Larry made a disgusting motion with his hips that made bile rise in my throat.
I shook my head. “Fuck off, you old perv!” I grabbed the food and stormed away angrily. I was mostly angry at myself. Why did I sit down with the guy in the first place? If Larry decided to make small talk with Jax about this, there would be hell to pay.
I set the food on the table and nodded politely at Tucker before turning to leave.
“Wait! You aren’t going to keep me company?” I could hear the smile in his voice. It pushed me over the edge. I knew what guys like him wanted; it was what all guys wanted.
I turned around and took three steps, closing the gap between us. I placed my hands on the table and leaned in closer to him. He smelled of coconut. That caught me off guard. It was the beach, the scent of freedom wafting from his hair.
“I’m not some f**king whore. You can’t buy my time.”
He sat back in his seat, taken aback by my remark. I knew I was taking out my anger at Larry on him, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“I just wanted some company, and you looked like . . .”
“I looked like what? An easy lay?” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Nothing about you is easy, that much I can already tell.” He grinned as he picked up his burger and took a big bite, then dropped it back on his plate, his eyes staring ahead of him.
My stomach growled with hunger, and I turned and stormed away, completely taken aback by his response.
I didn’t approach Tucker again until I was certain he was finished eating. I dropped off his check without a word. I watched from the kitchen as he dug some cash out of his wallet and dropped it on the table. He looked around one last time and left. The sound of his motorcycle growled in the distance.
I sighed and went to his table to collect the money so I could cash out my final table of the evening. I grabbed the money and reached for his plate. Spelled out in ketchup was the word sorry. I sighed and wiped down the table. I needed sleep.
I cashed out quickly and yelled to Larry that I was leaving and set off across the dark dirt lot toward home. The trailer was quiet, and I knew that Mom and Jax were probably passed out. At least, I hoped they were.
I tiptoed inside and made my way down the hall. Just as I had hoped, they were both fast asleep. A drug-induced coma would be a more accurate description. I pulled off my red Chuck Taylor sneakers and tossed them into my room, then made my way back to the front door, grabbing my cigarettes on the way outside.
I didn’t hesitate this time to light one. What was the point of maintaining my health? Did I really want to live any longer in this hellhole? It was a relatively quiet night. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend I was someone else. Almost. Off in the distance, a dog barked wildly and I could hear the Hansons a few trailers down fighting or . . . whatever it was they did that made her sound like that. Gross.
After a last drag, I threw my cigarette out into a puddle on the road and headed back inside. I waited a few minutes until my nerves could not take any more. They were asleep. No one was watching. I tiptoed into my room and slipped my old, tattered teddy bear from my dresser. My father had given it to me when I was little. That was before he forgot about me. I slipped my fingers into a hidden slit in his back and pulled out a small wad of money. I had been saving for what felt like a lifetime. I needed enough for first and last months’ rent for a new place. Somewhere a few towns away. I smiled. A few more weeks, and I might be able to pull it off. Someone stirred and I slipped the money back inside the safety of my bear.
I snuck out into the living room and flipped on the television. A few minutes later, Jax came out of the bathroom in a daze.
“Hey,” he said, scrubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“Hey.” I didn’t look at him. A nothingness was in his eyes anyway. The way he always looked when he used. He’d promised me a million times he would stop. Lies. It was always lies. I flipped between the three channels that we got, looking for something other than the news.
“You got any money?” Now he was scratching his stomach under his wifebeater.
“When do I ever have any money?” I snapped, and clicked off the television. I got up and pushed past him, hitting him hard with my shoulder.
“Fuck, Cass, you don’t have to be such a bitch about it.”
I slammed the door to my bedroom and dropped down on the bed, burying my face in my floral comforter. For the countless time, I cried myself to sleep.
Chapter Three
UGGHH . . .” I REACHED for the alarm and swatted it a few times until it finally stopped beeping. I didn’t want to open my eyes. Dreams were always better than reality. Last night, I was four years old again, and with my mother and father. He was tall and strong with wispy blond hair. My mother still had the light in her eyes that had since burned out. She looked identical to me in my memories. She smiled and laughed while she and my father each held one of my hands. Every few steps they would raise their arms, lifting me off the ground. It felt as if I were flying and I’d loved it. The adult me remembered and missed those times.
Resigned, I stretched and sat up, looking around my room. The walls were dingy green and the carpet a stained blue. It was hideous. I kept it clean, but no amount of scrubbing could make it easy on the eyes. All of my furniture was secondhand and broken.
“Cass!” Jax screamed from the living room. I yawned and allowed myself another moment of peace before dressing for work and walking out to the living room to find him. He was sprawled on the brown couch, rubbing his temples.
“I don’t feel good,” he moaned, his brows drawn together.
“What’s wrong?” I sat down beside him and put my hand on his forehead. He didn’t feel feverish. “Headache?” He nodded and pulled me down to his chest. I wanted to fight him. I hated that he had lied to me again. But instead I rested my head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart.
He ran a hand through my hair. “I didn’t mean to, Cass. I f**ked up.”
I knew he didn’t want to be a junkie. He was addicted and had no way out. I’d tried to get him to join a group to help him through it. I’d even brought a pamphlet home. He tore it up and threw it in my face. He said that groups were for pussies. He could quit on his own. I looked up at his face and his eyes were still squeezed shut. He was wrong, I thought with a sigh.
“I have to get ready for work.” I sat up, but Jackson grabbed my wrists and tried to pull me back to him.
“Stay.” He pulled harder until my body fell against his.
I slapped him in the chest and stood again. “I have to go to work. I don’t want to be stuck here forever.”
His eyes shot open and I knew I had said the wrong thing.
“What’s wrong with here, Cass? You too good for this place? You would be living on the street right now if I hadn’t got us this place.” His voice was low and cold.
I took a step backward.
He sat up and slowly pushed to his feet. “You want to suck dick for a living like your mama used to?” He stepped closer. My legs were against the chair now, and I was struggling to keep from falling back into it. “I bet that’s how you get your tips.”
“I’m sorry.” My voice was barely a whisper. My throat had dried and I could barely speak. The attitude I used to protect myself from the world disappeared around Jax. It always did. He was stronger than me physically, but that isn’t what eventually broke me down. His words were what hurt the most. After being told for so long that I was worthless and no one else would want me, I began to believe it. I always put on a strong face for others. Trying to prove I wasn’t the weak little girl I felt like inside, but Jax saw through my façade; it crumbled under his penetrating stare.
He wasn’t always like this. It was only when he used and needed another fix. His hand shot out and grabbed my upper arm. He squeezed and I cried out in pain as my knees buckled.
His face was over mine now, his jaw clenched. “You ungrateful . . . worthless little bitch.”
I flinched at his words. They hurt worse than his hands. “I’m just trying to make it better for us,” I whispered.
“Oh, I am not man enough to provide for you?”
“I have to go. I have to . . .”
He leaned in closer until our noses touched. “You are nothing but white trash.”
He let go of my arm, pushing me back into the chair. I fell less than gracefully. I quickly put my hands over my face to shield myself from any blows that might come my way. Nothing. I peeked between my fingers and sighed. I was alone. I grabbed my apron and left as quickly as possible.
I was working morning and evening shifts that day. While I hated my job, it was better than the alternative. I would do anything to keep from becoming homeless. Plus, I had so far been able to save $600. I could almost taste freedom. A new life. I just had to push myself a little harder and I could make things better for us. I could get Jackson some help and maybe help my mother find some friends, a network of support. I wanted a home that was all my own. I wanted to be proud of who I was and not have to worry if I would be able to afford food or hot water. For once, I wanted to take those basic necessities for granted.
“You’re a half hour early,” Larry called from the kitchen. I pushed into the room and began my prep work for the shift.
“I won’t clock in early. I just needed to get away.” I shrugged and began to fill the salt and pepper shakers. He didn’t respond, didn’t make any smart-ass remarks. He knew what went on at my place. The whole trailer park knew. Not that they cared. Everyone had his or her own problems and mine weren’t special. In fact, a lot of people had it worse.
