White Trash Beautiful
Page 9
My breath hitched.
“Hey, man, that was a killer set.” One of the Twisted Twins patted Tucker on the back as he walked past us.
Tucker hung his head and laughed. “Yeah, man. Thanks.” His eyes followed his bandmate as he walked down the hall and disappeared. Tucker’s eyes drifted back to mine, looking as if he were just busted with his hand in the cookie jar. “Did that ass**le give you any trouble when you got home last night?”
“No.” I shook my head, cringing at the memory of his standoff with Jax . . . and at his use of the word ass**le. I didn’t want him to worry about me any more than he already had . . . and I couldn’t help but feel a lingering sense of loyalty to Jax, especially in light of my recent lies to him regarding my whereabouts.
“Does he do that a lot?”
“He does it enough.” I sighed.
I watched the muscles in Tucker’s jaw jump under his skin. “I should have kicked his ass in the diner.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. It would have made things worse for me.”
Tucker’s eyes narrowed at mine as he struggled not to let his anger get the best of him.
“When do you leave?” The question had plagued my thoughts since he’d stepped into the diner, though I would never have admitted it.
“We leave town tonight.” His face turned serious.
The air rushed from my lungs as he spoke. I don’t know why I cared, but I did. The harsh reality in those four words hit me hard, and the disappointment that sank into my stomach made me suddenly nauseated.
“I’m glad I got to meet you, Tucker.” My words carried more weight than I cared to admit.
His fingers twisted in my hair and our good-bye hung heavy in the air. “I bet I could fill an album with songs about you . . . if we could just have some more time together. . . .” The subtle sadness in his voice did not escape me.
Everything had become too real. Maybe I should have just let him leave and pretended he was nothing more than a figment of my overactive imagination.
“I should get home. Someone is going to notice I’m gone. I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier.” I needed to escape. The hall suddenly felt narrow and I couldn’t breathe. I knew I shouldn’t have come. What did I think would happen? That he would stay for me? For a girl with a junkie boyfriend and a dead-end diner job?
He didn’t say anything, just nodded and backed away. “I’ll call you a cab. I have to stay here, help the guys, but I’d like to see you before I leave.” His eyes looked sad, but he kept a small smile on his lips.
I knew I should have said no. I should have said good-bye and walked away, made a clean break. But instead I smiled weakly. “Third trailer on the right. My window is on the side.”
He pulled out his cell phone and called for a ride home for me.
Chapter Nine
IT SHOULD BE here in a minute. I’ll walk you out the back to avoid the fans,” he said as he hung up his cell. He slid his hand onto my lower back and guided me through the hall to a service door. He paused before pushing it open. “I’m really glad I got to meet you, Cass.” He was saying his good-byes. The thought tied my stomach in knots once again.
I swallowed hard and pushed through the door. I couldn’t say good-bye. I knew I might not get a chance to thank him for making me smile tonight, but I couldn’t find the right words. It was too hard.
Tucker followed me, waiting by my side for the cab to arrive. He slipped his hand around mine and laced our fingers together, but didn’t say a word.
The cab pulled up and Tucker’s grip tightened around my hand. I looked up at him, taking in his beautiful face one last time before pulling my hand away and slipping into the backseat.
Tucker handed the cabdriver some cash and gave him directions to my place. He paused to look at me before standing up and taking a step back. I stared at him through teary eyes as the cab pulled out of the dark ally. I had had my escape. And now it was time for me to go back to reality.
The driver occasionally glanced at me in his mirror but never said a word as I cried silently. I was thankful. I wasn’t one to share my feelings with anyone, let alone a stranger.
The trip back seemed twice as fast as the one to the concert, and I was immediately filled with regret when we reached Aggie’s Diner. I should have said something to Tucker, anything. I was afraid it would make our good-bye real. But it was happening whether I wanted it to or not.
I thanked the driver and slid out into the now-empty parking lot of the diner. The concert crowd had moved on, and life was back to normal. Sadness crept over me as I realized that, starting tomorrow, I would resume my old life exactly where I had left off a few days before. The fantasy was officially over.
I sighed as I kicked at the dirt, making my way through the fence to the trailer park. The neighborhood was quiet. My nerves began to get the better of me as I drew closer to my place. I had pissed Jackson off many times in the past, but there was no telling what he would do if he found out that I had lied to him to see another man, even if that man was a rock god, not a lover.
I found my hidden bag of clothing and quickly slipped my pants on under my dress. I glanced around before pulling the shirt down over me and wiggled free of my dress. I switched out my shoes and carefully opened my bedroom window, slipping the bag inside. This was it. Moment of truth. If he knew, I deserved what I had coming to me.
I ran my hands through my hair a few times and twisted it back into a bun. I took a few deep breaths before making my way to the front door and slipping inside. Jax was passed out on the couch, the television still on. I grabbed the remote and clicked the OFF button.
“Cass?” Jackson’s voice called behind me, causing me to jump.
“Yeah?” I didn’t turn to face him. I was terrified that he knew where I had been.
“How was work?” He stretched and yawned. I slowly turned to face him.
“Good. It was good. Not as many tables as I would have liked.” I begged the tears in my eyes to go away.
He nodded and placed his arm over his face to fall back asleep. I let out the breath I was holding and made my way back to my bedroom with my hand over my chest, secretly feeling for the locket that lay under the material. I closed the door quietly behind me and slid down to the floor, hugging my knees.
I didn’t feel good about lying to Jackson. I knew he wasn’t the best thing for me, but he had always been there. He was the one constant I had in my life, and I had betrayed his trust. At the same time, I was starting to realize that there was more out there than this. I wanted to escape, to spread my wings. Unfortunately, Tucker was going to be gone before I knew it. It was foolish to get my hopes up for anything more, but I was dangerously close to letting him in, to entertaining the idea of what-if. But Tucker was a wild card, a rock star whose life was a constant adventure, and it was Jax who had never left me after all of these years, no matter how tough times had gotten. One thing was for certain—being alone terrified me more than any of Jackson’s outbursts. I’d seen my mother fall to pieces when my father left her, and I didn’t think I would be any stronger.
I stood and grabbed my bag from the bed, slipping it into its hiding spot in my closet. I took off my locket and carefully placed it inside the bag. I pulled off my work clothes and headed for the bathroom.
I took the longest shower I could stand in the cold water. It felt good after the warmth of the crowded concert. But it didn’t wash away my guilt, which clung to me stronger than ever now that I’d lied to Jackson’s face again. As I replayed the night over and over in my mind, I began to feel insecure. I wasn’t sure anymore if Tucker actually liked me or if he just felt sorry for me. I shook the idea from my head and turned off the water, letting myself shiver a minute before drying off. I pulled on a pair of red flannel pajama pants and a red tank top.
When I got back to my room, I slipped under my covers and curled into a ball. Tucker would soon be gone. I didn’t need to think about it anymore. Life would go back to being what it had always been: a big disappointment.
I dreamed all night that I was in a great concert hall sitting front and center. The lights were dimmed and a small spotlight lit the center of the stage. Tucker sat on a wooden stool in front of me, singing his heart out. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he let his own flutter closed, his face full of emotion that flowed out in the lyrics he sang. It was the only place in the world I wanted to be. I had had a taste of what life could be like and I wanted it.
I awoke to the sound of a gentle knock on my bedroom window. I sat up, terrified at first as I pushed the mess of still-damp hair from my face. I squinted in the dark, trying to make out the shadowy figure on the other side of the glass. My heart thudded in my chest as my eyes adjusted to the lack of lighting.
I slid across my bed and pushed the window open. “Tucker, I didn’t think you would come,” I whispered, a smile instantly lighting up my face.
He looked indignant, as if the option not to show had never crossed his mind. “I said I would, Cass. I’m a man of my word.”
“Where I’m from, what a man says and what a man does are two different things.”
“Maybe it’s time to get a new view.”
“I don’t mind the view I have right now.” I blushed at my own forwardness.
“Did anyone notice you were gone?” He glanced past me.
I shook my head no. I knew he was worried that Jax would lose it if he’d realized I’d ditched work. It was sweet of Tucker to care, but I could take care of myself.
He smiled and pulled a small sliver of paper from his pocket. “This is my cell number. I want you to call me if you ever need anything. Even if you just want to talk.”
I took the small piece of paper from his fingers and held it against my chest.
He smiled, his eyes locked onto mine. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He dug through his pocket again and pulled out a small, white square with the word Damaged written in big, bold letters across it.
I took it from his fingers and examined the concert ticket, furrowing my brow.
“We play in two nights at Tybee Island. It’s not far from here. I was hoping you could make it?”
I had been to Tybee once when I was younger. The beautiful island had a giant pier that jutted out into the ocean. As a girl, it had made me feel as if I were on the edge of the world. “I’ll try.” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip. It would be almost impossible to make it to the island and back without someone’s noticing I was gone.
He smiled and slipped his hand over mine. His touch sent a jolt of electricity that shot straight to my chest. “This isn’t good-bye, Cass. This is only the beginning.” His fingers slowly pulled back and he swallowed hard. “I have to go.” His hand rubbed through his messy hair again.
There was so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words. “Two days.” I smiled, wondering why my gut had suddenly twisted with sadness.
He flashed me another perfect grin, his teeth bright white in the dark. He turned and walked out of the trailer park. I watched him disappear through the fence and waited until the faint roaring of his motorcycle faded away.
I slid my window closed and fell back on my bed, clutching the ticket and the phone number to my chest. I glanced over at my bear, wondering how much money it would take for a cab ride to Tybee. It would cut into my savings, but part of me didn’t care. I deserved another escape from my pathetic life. I took the ticket and slipped it into the hole in the back of my bear. I folded up Tucker’s number as small as I could and placed it in the locket in my closet before settling back into bed and drifting off to sleep.
The arms around my waist tightened as his steady breathing blew across my cheek from behind.
“What time is it?” I groaned, not wanting to open my eyes to the sunlight that streamed through the window behind me.
“Too early.”
I chuckled and snuggled farther into his grip. “You have to go back out to the couch before my mom wakes up.”
“Just a little longer.” He ground his hips into me from behind.
I blinked several times, waiting for the alarm clock to come into focus. “We’re gonna be late for school.”
“Then we better make it quick, sweetheart.” Tucker pulled me onto my back and positioned his body over mine.
My alarm beeped angrily in my ear. I groaned and reached my arm out, trying desperately to make it stop. My fingers nudged it off the edge of the stand and it clattered to the floor but continued to beep.
“Fuck!” I pulled my pillow over my head, trying to block out the noise, but it didn’t work. I sighed and pushed myself from the bed, taking a moment to steady myself before picking up my alarm and switching it off. I ran my hand over my face. I had to get ready for work.
I trudged to the kitchen and dug through the cupboards for some coffee. I prepared the filter in the coffeepot and poured in a heaping scoop of coffee. As I waited for it to finish, I rummaged through the cupboards for something to eat. I decided on a can of corned-beef hash. I emptied the contents into a bowl and popped it into the microwave. I watched the timer count down as I thought about the previous night. Tucker’s face in my window, illuminated by the lone streetlight off at the edge of the park.
The microwave dinged and I jumped, glancing over at the couch. Jax stirred and I quickly grabbed the bowl. It was steaming hot and I cursed under my breath as I set it down on the stove below.
I grabbed a dish towel and slid it carefully under the bowl. Digging through the silverware drawer, I grabbed a spoon. I took a small bite, burning the roof of my mouth. “Ow! Jesus f**k!” I pulled open the fridge and grabbed the ketchup, squeezing it over my food. I picked up the bowl and headed into the living room, sitting down carefully on the squeaky recliner.
“Hey, man, that was a killer set.” One of the Twisted Twins patted Tucker on the back as he walked past us.
Tucker hung his head and laughed. “Yeah, man. Thanks.” His eyes followed his bandmate as he walked down the hall and disappeared. Tucker’s eyes drifted back to mine, looking as if he were just busted with his hand in the cookie jar. “Did that ass**le give you any trouble when you got home last night?”
“No.” I shook my head, cringing at the memory of his standoff with Jax . . . and at his use of the word ass**le. I didn’t want him to worry about me any more than he already had . . . and I couldn’t help but feel a lingering sense of loyalty to Jax, especially in light of my recent lies to him regarding my whereabouts.
“Does he do that a lot?”
“He does it enough.” I sighed.
I watched the muscles in Tucker’s jaw jump under his skin. “I should have kicked his ass in the diner.”
“No, you shouldn’t have. It would have made things worse for me.”
Tucker’s eyes narrowed at mine as he struggled not to let his anger get the best of him.
“When do you leave?” The question had plagued my thoughts since he’d stepped into the diner, though I would never have admitted it.
“We leave town tonight.” His face turned serious.
The air rushed from my lungs as he spoke. I don’t know why I cared, but I did. The harsh reality in those four words hit me hard, and the disappointment that sank into my stomach made me suddenly nauseated.
“I’m glad I got to meet you, Tucker.” My words carried more weight than I cared to admit.
His fingers twisted in my hair and our good-bye hung heavy in the air. “I bet I could fill an album with songs about you . . . if we could just have some more time together. . . .” The subtle sadness in his voice did not escape me.
Everything had become too real. Maybe I should have just let him leave and pretended he was nothing more than a figment of my overactive imagination.
“I should get home. Someone is going to notice I’m gone. I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier.” I needed to escape. The hall suddenly felt narrow and I couldn’t breathe. I knew I shouldn’t have come. What did I think would happen? That he would stay for me? For a girl with a junkie boyfriend and a dead-end diner job?
He didn’t say anything, just nodded and backed away. “I’ll call you a cab. I have to stay here, help the guys, but I’d like to see you before I leave.” His eyes looked sad, but he kept a small smile on his lips.
I knew I should have said no. I should have said good-bye and walked away, made a clean break. But instead I smiled weakly. “Third trailer on the right. My window is on the side.”
He pulled out his cell phone and called for a ride home for me.
Chapter Nine
IT SHOULD BE here in a minute. I’ll walk you out the back to avoid the fans,” he said as he hung up his cell. He slid his hand onto my lower back and guided me through the hall to a service door. He paused before pushing it open. “I’m really glad I got to meet you, Cass.” He was saying his good-byes. The thought tied my stomach in knots once again.
I swallowed hard and pushed through the door. I couldn’t say good-bye. I knew I might not get a chance to thank him for making me smile tonight, but I couldn’t find the right words. It was too hard.
Tucker followed me, waiting by my side for the cab to arrive. He slipped his hand around mine and laced our fingers together, but didn’t say a word.
The cab pulled up and Tucker’s grip tightened around my hand. I looked up at him, taking in his beautiful face one last time before pulling my hand away and slipping into the backseat.
Tucker handed the cabdriver some cash and gave him directions to my place. He paused to look at me before standing up and taking a step back. I stared at him through teary eyes as the cab pulled out of the dark ally. I had had my escape. And now it was time for me to go back to reality.
The driver occasionally glanced at me in his mirror but never said a word as I cried silently. I was thankful. I wasn’t one to share my feelings with anyone, let alone a stranger.
The trip back seemed twice as fast as the one to the concert, and I was immediately filled with regret when we reached Aggie’s Diner. I should have said something to Tucker, anything. I was afraid it would make our good-bye real. But it was happening whether I wanted it to or not.
I thanked the driver and slid out into the now-empty parking lot of the diner. The concert crowd had moved on, and life was back to normal. Sadness crept over me as I realized that, starting tomorrow, I would resume my old life exactly where I had left off a few days before. The fantasy was officially over.
I sighed as I kicked at the dirt, making my way through the fence to the trailer park. The neighborhood was quiet. My nerves began to get the better of me as I drew closer to my place. I had pissed Jackson off many times in the past, but there was no telling what he would do if he found out that I had lied to him to see another man, even if that man was a rock god, not a lover.
I found my hidden bag of clothing and quickly slipped my pants on under my dress. I glanced around before pulling the shirt down over me and wiggled free of my dress. I switched out my shoes and carefully opened my bedroom window, slipping the bag inside. This was it. Moment of truth. If he knew, I deserved what I had coming to me.
I ran my hands through my hair a few times and twisted it back into a bun. I took a few deep breaths before making my way to the front door and slipping inside. Jax was passed out on the couch, the television still on. I grabbed the remote and clicked the OFF button.
“Cass?” Jackson’s voice called behind me, causing me to jump.
“Yeah?” I didn’t turn to face him. I was terrified that he knew where I had been.
“How was work?” He stretched and yawned. I slowly turned to face him.
“Good. It was good. Not as many tables as I would have liked.” I begged the tears in my eyes to go away.
He nodded and placed his arm over his face to fall back asleep. I let out the breath I was holding and made my way back to my bedroom with my hand over my chest, secretly feeling for the locket that lay under the material. I closed the door quietly behind me and slid down to the floor, hugging my knees.
I didn’t feel good about lying to Jackson. I knew he wasn’t the best thing for me, but he had always been there. He was the one constant I had in my life, and I had betrayed his trust. At the same time, I was starting to realize that there was more out there than this. I wanted to escape, to spread my wings. Unfortunately, Tucker was going to be gone before I knew it. It was foolish to get my hopes up for anything more, but I was dangerously close to letting him in, to entertaining the idea of what-if. But Tucker was a wild card, a rock star whose life was a constant adventure, and it was Jax who had never left me after all of these years, no matter how tough times had gotten. One thing was for certain—being alone terrified me more than any of Jackson’s outbursts. I’d seen my mother fall to pieces when my father left her, and I didn’t think I would be any stronger.
I stood and grabbed my bag from the bed, slipping it into its hiding spot in my closet. I took off my locket and carefully placed it inside the bag. I pulled off my work clothes and headed for the bathroom.
I took the longest shower I could stand in the cold water. It felt good after the warmth of the crowded concert. But it didn’t wash away my guilt, which clung to me stronger than ever now that I’d lied to Jackson’s face again. As I replayed the night over and over in my mind, I began to feel insecure. I wasn’t sure anymore if Tucker actually liked me or if he just felt sorry for me. I shook the idea from my head and turned off the water, letting myself shiver a minute before drying off. I pulled on a pair of red flannel pajama pants and a red tank top.
When I got back to my room, I slipped under my covers and curled into a ball. Tucker would soon be gone. I didn’t need to think about it anymore. Life would go back to being what it had always been: a big disappointment.
I dreamed all night that I was in a great concert hall sitting front and center. The lights were dimmed and a small spotlight lit the center of the stage. Tucker sat on a wooden stool in front of me, singing his heart out. I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he let his own flutter closed, his face full of emotion that flowed out in the lyrics he sang. It was the only place in the world I wanted to be. I had had a taste of what life could be like and I wanted it.
I awoke to the sound of a gentle knock on my bedroom window. I sat up, terrified at first as I pushed the mess of still-damp hair from my face. I squinted in the dark, trying to make out the shadowy figure on the other side of the glass. My heart thudded in my chest as my eyes adjusted to the lack of lighting.
I slid across my bed and pushed the window open. “Tucker, I didn’t think you would come,” I whispered, a smile instantly lighting up my face.
He looked indignant, as if the option not to show had never crossed his mind. “I said I would, Cass. I’m a man of my word.”
“Where I’m from, what a man says and what a man does are two different things.”
“Maybe it’s time to get a new view.”
“I don’t mind the view I have right now.” I blushed at my own forwardness.
“Did anyone notice you were gone?” He glanced past me.
I shook my head no. I knew he was worried that Jax would lose it if he’d realized I’d ditched work. It was sweet of Tucker to care, but I could take care of myself.
He smiled and pulled a small sliver of paper from his pocket. “This is my cell number. I want you to call me if you ever need anything. Even if you just want to talk.”
I took the small piece of paper from his fingers and held it against my chest.
He smiled, his eyes locked onto mine. “Oh, I almost forgot.” He dug through his pocket again and pulled out a small, white square with the word Damaged written in big, bold letters across it.
I took it from his fingers and examined the concert ticket, furrowing my brow.
“We play in two nights at Tybee Island. It’s not far from here. I was hoping you could make it?”
I had been to Tybee once when I was younger. The beautiful island had a giant pier that jutted out into the ocean. As a girl, it had made me feel as if I were on the edge of the world. “I’ll try.” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip. It would be almost impossible to make it to the island and back without someone’s noticing I was gone.
He smiled and slipped his hand over mine. His touch sent a jolt of electricity that shot straight to my chest. “This isn’t good-bye, Cass. This is only the beginning.” His fingers slowly pulled back and he swallowed hard. “I have to go.” His hand rubbed through his messy hair again.
There was so much more I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words. “Two days.” I smiled, wondering why my gut had suddenly twisted with sadness.
He flashed me another perfect grin, his teeth bright white in the dark. He turned and walked out of the trailer park. I watched him disappear through the fence and waited until the faint roaring of his motorcycle faded away.
I slid my window closed and fell back on my bed, clutching the ticket and the phone number to my chest. I glanced over at my bear, wondering how much money it would take for a cab ride to Tybee. It would cut into my savings, but part of me didn’t care. I deserved another escape from my pathetic life. I took the ticket and slipped it into the hole in the back of my bear. I folded up Tucker’s number as small as I could and placed it in the locket in my closet before settling back into bed and drifting off to sleep.
The arms around my waist tightened as his steady breathing blew across my cheek from behind.
“What time is it?” I groaned, not wanting to open my eyes to the sunlight that streamed through the window behind me.
“Too early.”
I chuckled and snuggled farther into his grip. “You have to go back out to the couch before my mom wakes up.”
“Just a little longer.” He ground his hips into me from behind.
I blinked several times, waiting for the alarm clock to come into focus. “We’re gonna be late for school.”
“Then we better make it quick, sweetheart.” Tucker pulled me onto my back and positioned his body over mine.
My alarm beeped angrily in my ear. I groaned and reached my arm out, trying desperately to make it stop. My fingers nudged it off the edge of the stand and it clattered to the floor but continued to beep.
“Fuck!” I pulled my pillow over my head, trying to block out the noise, but it didn’t work. I sighed and pushed myself from the bed, taking a moment to steady myself before picking up my alarm and switching it off. I ran my hand over my face. I had to get ready for work.
I trudged to the kitchen and dug through the cupboards for some coffee. I prepared the filter in the coffeepot and poured in a heaping scoop of coffee. As I waited for it to finish, I rummaged through the cupboards for something to eat. I decided on a can of corned-beef hash. I emptied the contents into a bowl and popped it into the microwave. I watched the timer count down as I thought about the previous night. Tucker’s face in my window, illuminated by the lone streetlight off at the edge of the park.
The microwave dinged and I jumped, glancing over at the couch. Jax stirred and I quickly grabbed the bowl. It was steaming hot and I cursed under my breath as I set it down on the stove below.
I grabbed a dish towel and slid it carefully under the bowl. Digging through the silverware drawer, I grabbed a spoon. I took a small bite, burning the roof of my mouth. “Ow! Jesus f**k!” I pulled open the fridge and grabbed the ketchup, squeezing it over my food. I picked up the bowl and headed into the living room, sitting down carefully on the squeaky recliner.
