White Trash Damaged
Page 14
I slinked back inside our bus feeling sorry for myself. Things were going to change, and I hoped it would be for the better. The band needed someone to look out for them and their best interest, and Donna promised to be the professional who could take them to the next level. Still, I had a terrible feeling in my gut that this would put a strain on my relationship with the guys . . . and with Tucker.
I grabbed my notebook and began to pour out my feelings, holding nothing back. There was a small knock on the bus door before it pulled open, and Sarah stepped inside. I glanced up at her and went back to my writing.
“I saw the guys leave with that evil-looking secretary,” she said as she slid into the seat across from me.
“That’s the new manager, Donna.” I sighed and began to doodle on the edge of the notebook paper. “They went out for dinner.”
“Why didn’t you go along? Not feeling well?”
“I’m not a part of the band,” I replied, and I felt like an idiot for even being upset. I wasn’t a member of the band, and I really had no business at the meeting.
“Come on. You write their songs, keep them fed, and stop Eric from having a meltdown every other day. I’d say you have a very important role in this band.”
“It’s no big deal. Really. I needed to write more anyway.”
Sarah grabbed my notebook and turned it around so she could read what I had written. She smiled and slid it back over to me.
“I need to hire you to write for us. This is really good.”
I rolled my eyes and flipped the cover closed.
“Let’s go eat something.”
I sighed dramatically but was thankful I had made a friend that cared about my happiness. It felt good to know I could count on someone.
We opted for fast food to minimize the chances of running into the band while we were out. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever they had to discuss.
I ordered the biggest burger I could find, and Sarah got a salad, claiming she had to watch what she ate or risk not fitting into her tour wardrobe, even though she was built like a model.
“So tell me your backstory,” she said between bites.
I had absolutely no idea where to begin. So I started with the basics, deciding to gauge her reaction as I went before I revealed the really heavy stuff.
“I lived in a really small town in Georgia.”
“Do you miss it?”
“Not really.” That wasn’t true. I loved being with Tucker, but when I lived on my own, I had finally been able to rely on myself, and that had felt really good. I felt like an adult for the first time in my life. Now I was just along for the ride to someone else’s dreams.
“Family?”
“None that I know.” My father was the only family I had left, but I wasn’t even certain he was still alive. “You?”
“Mom and Dad don’t want anything to do with me and my devil music.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled, but I knew it bothered her more than she let on.
“Siblings?” I took another huge bite of my burger, savoring the greasy mess.
“I have a little sister. She’s really cool. Looks just like me with lighter hair. I miss her.”
“I’m an only child.” I shrugged. “I always wished I had a sister, but it is probably better I don’t.”
She pulled her eyebrows together as she took a sip of her drink. “Why do you say that? You fight all the time, but no one has your back like a sister or brother.”
“It was a bad situation.” I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a child in the situation I was in. Not to mention having another mouth to feed, another person to protect from Jax’s fists and my mom’s needles.
“Well, you have me now.” She grinned and I smiled back. She was starting to feel more like family to me than my own mother ever had.
We headed back to the bus, and I noticed movement through the windows. Sarah gave me a sympathetic look and I waved her on.
“It’ll be fine. I can handle one bitch. I used to waitress.”
“I’ll see you at the show then,” she called out as she circled around the bus.
I took a deep breath and pulled open the door. Eric was rambling a mile a minute about how much he hated when fans threw themselves at him, and I worried that something happened during their meal, but Tucker looked un-phased.
“Where you been, sweetheart?” he asked with a grin. I walked over to him, kissing him on the cheek. Donna was nowhere in sight. I relaxed into his arms.
“Went out with Sarah for some food.”
Eric slammed a cabinet door and I jumped.
“What’s up with him?” I asked as I watched him storm around like an animal.
“Some guy was hounding him and put him in one of his moods.” Tucker rolled his eyes.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“Be my guest.” He shrugged and let his hands fall to his sides.
“Eric,” I called out to him, and he turned to face me, his eyes void of anything. “Can I talk to you outside?” I asked, and he looked around before finally nodding and walking out the door, letting it bounce off the outside of the bus. Tucker shot me a worried look, but I wasn’t going to let him talk me out of helping Eric.
“Love you.” I gave Tucker a quick peck on the cheek and followed after Eric.
He was leaning up against the side of the bus, staring off at the buildings that lined the other side of the parking lot.
“One of those days, right?” I said, and he didn’t acknowledge me. “Sarah and I were talking about our families today.” He glanced my way at the mention of her name. I kept talking, knowing that if we spoke long enough he would forget what had upset him.
“She has a little sister. Did you know that? I’m an only child.”
“I had a little brother,” he said quietly. I wasn’t sure if I should ask what happened. I didn’t know if it would help him to talk about it or send him deeper into his funk.
“Hit by a f**king car.” He shook his head and looked down to the ground. “Nine years old, not even old enough to drive, and he gets taken out by a f**king car.”
“I’m so sorry.”
His eyes cut to mine and narrowed.
“Why are you sorry? You drive the car?”
“No.” I shrugged.
“Then you got no reason to be sorry.”
“I’m sorry that it happened . . . and I’m sorry that I brought it up,” I said honestly.
“Don’t be. No one wants to talk to me about him. But honestly, I like to think about him. I like to remember.” He rubbed his hand roughly over the back of his neck. “But you know what it’s like.” His eyes met mine again, and I knew he felt a kinship because of all the people I had lost. I nodded, my throat closing up.
“I’m not sure I would want to talk about those sort of things.”
“You don’t know until you try.”
I nodded but still wasn’t sure I was ready.
“You just gotta know it’s not your fault.” He gazed off into the distance. I didn’t know if he was speaking to himself or to me. “It took me years to not blame myself. I was right there. I could have shoved him out of the way. I could have done something, but I froze. I just stood there as the car drove off the road into our front yard. I couldn’t even scream.”
“I, uh . . . I let my mom get killed by my boyfriend . . . who also tried to kill me, but only managed to . . . kill my baby. Some days I wish he had been more successful.” I was surprised at how easily the honesty poured out of me. It was freeing, like opening up a gate to my soul.
Eric walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“I know I’m not easy to get along with, and maybe that’s because I think no one gets it, the survivor’s guilt, I guess.” He sighed, and I could see him contemplating what to say next. “But you get it. Thank you.”
I nodded, swallowing hard. That confession had drained the energy from me.
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re still here.” He gave me a small smile and stepped back onto the bus.
Chapter Twelve
THE DAYS BLED together into one endless string of concerts and driving occasionally punctuated by an argument with Donna. She was determined to get me off the bus, and I was hell-bent on standing my ground. It was easy to forget there was more going on in the world than what was happening with the band.
“This band is awesome,” the guy on the other side of the guardrail yelled to me as the next concert got under way. He didn’t look like your typical rock-concert goer. He was wearing jeans and a button-up plaid shirt that hung open over a white cotton tee. A giant camera hung from his neck.
“Yeah, they’re great.” I kept my eyes fixed on the stage as Tucker belted out the chorus to “Empty Sheets.” “Are you a photographer?” I asked, motioning to the camera.
“Oh, this?” He picked up the camera and turned it over in his hand. “Just a hobby. This song is amazing!”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Tucker can make anything sound good,” I replied.
“You know him? Like friends with him?” he asked, and the question made me feel uncomfortable. “I guess that’s why you get to stand on that side of the railing.”
“He’s my boyfriend.” I knew I was blushing, but I couldn’t help it. I relished the rare moments when I got to break the rules a bit and talk about my relationship with someone.
“That’s got to be crazy. I bet it’s hard going so long without seeing each other.”
“I travel with him.” I grinned and listened to the band begin their next song.
“That’s pretty cool.”
The music picked up, putting an end to the chitchat. I loved watching Tucker perform. It never got old watching him do what he loved. I hoped one day I would be as satisfied in whatever I chose to do with my life.
After his set ended I slipped backstage and waited for him just out of sight of the concertgoers. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him as he lifted my feet from the ground.
“You’re sweaty.” I made a face, and he sat me back on my feet and grinned.
“Want to get sweaty with me?” He cocked his eyebrow.
“Mmmm . . .” I pretended to think about it, and Tucker picked me up as I wrapped my legs around his waist, giggling. He pressed my back against the cinder-block wall and kissed me. There was nothing playful about his kiss. His tongue slid over my lower lip and I let my mouth fall open, inviting him inside.
“They’re asking for you,” Chris called out from the door.
“Fuck.” Tucker rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “I have to go sign some autographs, and we have that VIP thing tonight.”
I nodded as I dropped my legs and he lowered me to the ground. I was beginning to wonder if the timing would ever be right for me and Tucker again. I was finally feeling like I could push away the past and get lost in the kisses of my boyfriend . . . and now he had to go. Again.
“It’s fine. I’ll go hang out on the bus.” I gave him a quick kiss on the nose and waited for him to walk back out toward the stage. With a sigh I retreated back to the bus to spend the next few hours by myself. I hated being alone, but it gave me time to write and it had become a great way for me to work through everything I was still carrying around with me.
I made my way out of the back exit of the building and slipped into the bus that was parked just behind the doors. Tonight we had security posted outside, and it made me nervous to think how things were changing so rapidly.
I grabbed my notebook and began to jot down lines as they floated through my head. Nothing was really coming together, but Tucker had told me that when he writes it never seems to make sense at first, so I didn’t let it discourage me. After a good two hours of getting lost in my memories, I knew it was going to be a long night for the guys, and it was no use waiting up. I crawled into bed alone and stared at the pictures of Tucker taped overhead before drifting off to sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
DON’T FREAK OUT.” Sarah put her hand on my chest and stopped me from entering the checkout at the grocery store.
“Okay, Sarah, you can’t grab my boobs and ask me not to freak out. That’s just weird.”
“What? No!” She pulled her hand back and grabbed a tabloid magazine from the end of the counter. “This!” She pointed to a giant picture of my face.
“What?” I snatched the magazine from her hand, turning it over several times like the image would disappear. “This is bad. This is so bad.”
“It might be. See what it says.” She grabbed another magazine from the rack and flipped it open to the article.
“I didn’t do an interview. How do they have this?” I asked, pointing to the quotes directly from me. It finally dawned on me. . . . The man at the Damaged concert back in Lakeland. The guy with the camera. “Shit. That weird guy from the concert. I didn’t know he was a reporter. They can’t do this without permission, right?” I asked. Nothing in the story was actually that bad. It mentioned that I was Tucker’s girlfriend and that I was touring with him. That didn’t seem so terrible.
“We should let them see this before they find it on their own . . . or before Donna finds it.” Sarah grabbed the rest of the magazines, and we checked out as quickly as possible. I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. In fact, I was certain Tucker would get a laugh out of it. I knew he wasn’t a fan of these magazines, but this story happened to be true this time.
I slipped onto the bus, and the guys were going about their morning routines, which consisted of nursing their hangovers and Chris very unceremoniously kicking his one-night stand off the bus.
I grabbed my notebook and began to pour out my feelings, holding nothing back. There was a small knock on the bus door before it pulled open, and Sarah stepped inside. I glanced up at her and went back to my writing.
“I saw the guys leave with that evil-looking secretary,” she said as she slid into the seat across from me.
“That’s the new manager, Donna.” I sighed and began to doodle on the edge of the notebook paper. “They went out for dinner.”
“Why didn’t you go along? Not feeling well?”
“I’m not a part of the band,” I replied, and I felt like an idiot for even being upset. I wasn’t a member of the band, and I really had no business at the meeting.
“Come on. You write their songs, keep them fed, and stop Eric from having a meltdown every other day. I’d say you have a very important role in this band.”
“It’s no big deal. Really. I needed to write more anyway.”
Sarah grabbed my notebook and turned it around so she could read what I had written. She smiled and slid it back over to me.
“I need to hire you to write for us. This is really good.”
I rolled my eyes and flipped the cover closed.
“Let’s go eat something.”
I sighed dramatically but was thankful I had made a friend that cared about my happiness. It felt good to know I could count on someone.
We opted for fast food to minimize the chances of running into the band while we were out. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever they had to discuss.
I ordered the biggest burger I could find, and Sarah got a salad, claiming she had to watch what she ate or risk not fitting into her tour wardrobe, even though she was built like a model.
“So tell me your backstory,” she said between bites.
I had absolutely no idea where to begin. So I started with the basics, deciding to gauge her reaction as I went before I revealed the really heavy stuff.
“I lived in a really small town in Georgia.”
“Do you miss it?”
“Not really.” That wasn’t true. I loved being with Tucker, but when I lived on my own, I had finally been able to rely on myself, and that had felt really good. I felt like an adult for the first time in my life. Now I was just along for the ride to someone else’s dreams.
“Family?”
“None that I know.” My father was the only family I had left, but I wasn’t even certain he was still alive. “You?”
“Mom and Dad don’t want anything to do with me and my devil music.” She rolled her eyes and chuckled, but I knew it bothered her more than she let on.
“Siblings?” I took another huge bite of my burger, savoring the greasy mess.
“I have a little sister. She’s really cool. Looks just like me with lighter hair. I miss her.”
“I’m an only child.” I shrugged. “I always wished I had a sister, but it is probably better I don’t.”
She pulled her eyebrows together as she took a sip of her drink. “Why do you say that? You fight all the time, but no one has your back like a sister or brother.”
“It was a bad situation.” I couldn’t imagine having to take care of a child in the situation I was in. Not to mention having another mouth to feed, another person to protect from Jax’s fists and my mom’s needles.
“Well, you have me now.” She grinned and I smiled back. She was starting to feel more like family to me than my own mother ever had.
We headed back to the bus, and I noticed movement through the windows. Sarah gave me a sympathetic look and I waved her on.
“It’ll be fine. I can handle one bitch. I used to waitress.”
“I’ll see you at the show then,” she called out as she circled around the bus.
I took a deep breath and pulled open the door. Eric was rambling a mile a minute about how much he hated when fans threw themselves at him, and I worried that something happened during their meal, but Tucker looked un-phased.
“Where you been, sweetheart?” he asked with a grin. I walked over to him, kissing him on the cheek. Donna was nowhere in sight. I relaxed into his arms.
“Went out with Sarah for some food.”
Eric slammed a cabinet door and I jumped.
“What’s up with him?” I asked as I watched him storm around like an animal.
“Some guy was hounding him and put him in one of his moods.” Tucker rolled his eyes.
“Want me to talk to him?”
“Be my guest.” He shrugged and let his hands fall to his sides.
“Eric,” I called out to him, and he turned to face me, his eyes void of anything. “Can I talk to you outside?” I asked, and he looked around before finally nodding and walking out the door, letting it bounce off the outside of the bus. Tucker shot me a worried look, but I wasn’t going to let him talk me out of helping Eric.
“Love you.” I gave Tucker a quick peck on the cheek and followed after Eric.
He was leaning up against the side of the bus, staring off at the buildings that lined the other side of the parking lot.
“One of those days, right?” I said, and he didn’t acknowledge me. “Sarah and I were talking about our families today.” He glanced my way at the mention of her name. I kept talking, knowing that if we spoke long enough he would forget what had upset him.
“She has a little sister. Did you know that? I’m an only child.”
“I had a little brother,” he said quietly. I wasn’t sure if I should ask what happened. I didn’t know if it would help him to talk about it or send him deeper into his funk.
“Hit by a f**king car.” He shook his head and looked down to the ground. “Nine years old, not even old enough to drive, and he gets taken out by a f**king car.”
“I’m so sorry.”
His eyes cut to mine and narrowed.
“Why are you sorry? You drive the car?”
“No.” I shrugged.
“Then you got no reason to be sorry.”
“I’m sorry that it happened . . . and I’m sorry that I brought it up,” I said honestly.
“Don’t be. No one wants to talk to me about him. But honestly, I like to think about him. I like to remember.” He rubbed his hand roughly over the back of his neck. “But you know what it’s like.” His eyes met mine again, and I knew he felt a kinship because of all the people I had lost. I nodded, my throat closing up.
“I’m not sure I would want to talk about those sort of things.”
“You don’t know until you try.”
I nodded but still wasn’t sure I was ready.
“You just gotta know it’s not your fault.” He gazed off into the distance. I didn’t know if he was speaking to himself or to me. “It took me years to not blame myself. I was right there. I could have shoved him out of the way. I could have done something, but I froze. I just stood there as the car drove off the road into our front yard. I couldn’t even scream.”
“I, uh . . . I let my mom get killed by my boyfriend . . . who also tried to kill me, but only managed to . . . kill my baby. Some days I wish he had been more successful.” I was surprised at how easily the honesty poured out of me. It was freeing, like opening up a gate to my soul.
Eric walked over to me and placed his hand on my shoulder.
“I know I’m not easy to get along with, and maybe that’s because I think no one gets it, the survivor’s guilt, I guess.” He sighed, and I could see him contemplating what to say next. “But you get it. Thank you.”
I nodded, swallowing hard. That confession had drained the energy from me.
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re still here.” He gave me a small smile and stepped back onto the bus.
Chapter Twelve
THE DAYS BLED together into one endless string of concerts and driving occasionally punctuated by an argument with Donna. She was determined to get me off the bus, and I was hell-bent on standing my ground. It was easy to forget there was more going on in the world than what was happening with the band.
“This band is awesome,” the guy on the other side of the guardrail yelled to me as the next concert got under way. He didn’t look like your typical rock-concert goer. He was wearing jeans and a button-up plaid shirt that hung open over a white cotton tee. A giant camera hung from his neck.
“Yeah, they’re great.” I kept my eyes fixed on the stage as Tucker belted out the chorus to “Empty Sheets.” “Are you a photographer?” I asked, motioning to the camera.
“Oh, this?” He picked up the camera and turned it over in his hand. “Just a hobby. This song is amazing!”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Tucker can make anything sound good,” I replied.
“You know him? Like friends with him?” he asked, and the question made me feel uncomfortable. “I guess that’s why you get to stand on that side of the railing.”
“He’s my boyfriend.” I knew I was blushing, but I couldn’t help it. I relished the rare moments when I got to break the rules a bit and talk about my relationship with someone.
“That’s got to be crazy. I bet it’s hard going so long without seeing each other.”
“I travel with him.” I grinned and listened to the band begin their next song.
“That’s pretty cool.”
The music picked up, putting an end to the chitchat. I loved watching Tucker perform. It never got old watching him do what he loved. I hoped one day I would be as satisfied in whatever I chose to do with my life.
After his set ended I slipped backstage and waited for him just out of sight of the concertgoers. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him as he lifted my feet from the ground.
“You’re sweaty.” I made a face, and he sat me back on my feet and grinned.
“Want to get sweaty with me?” He cocked his eyebrow.
“Mmmm . . .” I pretended to think about it, and Tucker picked me up as I wrapped my legs around his waist, giggling. He pressed my back against the cinder-block wall and kissed me. There was nothing playful about his kiss. His tongue slid over my lower lip and I let my mouth fall open, inviting him inside.
“They’re asking for you,” Chris called out from the door.
“Fuck.” Tucker rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “I have to go sign some autographs, and we have that VIP thing tonight.”
I nodded as I dropped my legs and he lowered me to the ground. I was beginning to wonder if the timing would ever be right for me and Tucker again. I was finally feeling like I could push away the past and get lost in the kisses of my boyfriend . . . and now he had to go. Again.
“It’s fine. I’ll go hang out on the bus.” I gave him a quick kiss on the nose and waited for him to walk back out toward the stage. With a sigh I retreated back to the bus to spend the next few hours by myself. I hated being alone, but it gave me time to write and it had become a great way for me to work through everything I was still carrying around with me.
I made my way out of the back exit of the building and slipped into the bus that was parked just behind the doors. Tonight we had security posted outside, and it made me nervous to think how things were changing so rapidly.
I grabbed my notebook and began to jot down lines as they floated through my head. Nothing was really coming together, but Tucker had told me that when he writes it never seems to make sense at first, so I didn’t let it discourage me. After a good two hours of getting lost in my memories, I knew it was going to be a long night for the guys, and it was no use waiting up. I crawled into bed alone and stared at the pictures of Tucker taped overhead before drifting off to sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
DON’T FREAK OUT.” Sarah put her hand on my chest and stopped me from entering the checkout at the grocery store.
“Okay, Sarah, you can’t grab my boobs and ask me not to freak out. That’s just weird.”
“What? No!” She pulled her hand back and grabbed a tabloid magazine from the end of the counter. “This!” She pointed to a giant picture of my face.
“What?” I snatched the magazine from her hand, turning it over several times like the image would disappear. “This is bad. This is so bad.”
“It might be. See what it says.” She grabbed another magazine from the rack and flipped it open to the article.
“I didn’t do an interview. How do they have this?” I asked, pointing to the quotes directly from me. It finally dawned on me. . . . The man at the Damaged concert back in Lakeland. The guy with the camera. “Shit. That weird guy from the concert. I didn’t know he was a reporter. They can’t do this without permission, right?” I asked. Nothing in the story was actually that bad. It mentioned that I was Tucker’s girlfriend and that I was touring with him. That didn’t seem so terrible.
“We should let them see this before they find it on their own . . . or before Donna finds it.” Sarah grabbed the rest of the magazines, and we checked out as quickly as possible. I didn’t see why it was such a big deal. In fact, I was certain Tucker would get a laugh out of it. I knew he wasn’t a fan of these magazines, but this story happened to be true this time.
I slipped onto the bus, and the guys were going about their morning routines, which consisted of nursing their hangovers and Chris very unceremoniously kicking his one-night stand off the bus.
