White Trash Damaged
Page 8
I flipped open the notebook again and sat back down at the table. For nearly twenty minutes I stared at the words I had written before deciding this cramped space wasn’t conducive to creativity. I grabbed the book and pen and stepped out into the bright parking lot. I squinted as I scanned the rows of cars, looking for somewhere a little more private. I rounded the back of the bus and found another, smaller bus parked behind ours. I was sure it was Fifth’s, but it was still, silent, and I figured they had gone out as well. I slid down against the back of our bus and placed my notebook on my lap as I began to jot down a few more lines. Memories of my past flooded my thoughts.
The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my nose, replacing the sweet smell of freedom. My hands flew to the back of my head as I struggled to pry Jackson’s fingers from my hair. “Jax, let go of me!” I struggled to get my footing as he lifted me from the bed by my hair. His dirty fingers gripped onto my throat, cutting off my pleas for help. I stared into the lifeless bloodshot eyes of my boyfriend, silently pleading for him to let me go.
“Where is my dope?” he asked, his words slurring as his grip tightened. I clawed at his fingers, desperate for a gasp of air. “I know you f**king took it.” I struggled to shake my head as my body grew weak. He released me, flinging my body back on the bed. I struggled to take in deep breaths as he loomed over me, waiting for an answer.
“I didn’t. I wouldn’t,” I protested as I waited for his blows.
Lying crumpled and broken on empty sheets, feel the pain settle deep within me
I stand to fight another day, bracing for the blows on shaky legs
I take this pen and find my voice, fill the sheets with words of noise
My heart races to set the beat, as I bare my soul on empty sheets
“Plotting out world domination?” a female voice called from the window of the bus in front of me.
“I’m still in the early planning stages,” I called back to Sarah who smiled and slid the window closed before appearing in the doorway of the bus.
“I needed to get out of there. It’s like a coffin.” She sighed as she gathered her dark hair and pulled it back into a hair tie. “Where are the guys?” she asked as she sank down next to me.
“At a meeting with a possible new manager,” I replied as I chewed on the end of my pen.
“Yikes.” She laughed as she picked up a pebble and tossed it toward her bus. “Well, you are just in time for the show.”
I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she meant until the door to the bus flew open again and Lizzy stepped outside. She had a cigarette dangling from her lips, and her hair was a wild mess of curls.
“Wow. . . .”
“I thought you would find that interesting. She shacked up with Derek last night. The sounds coming from his bunk would give you nightmares.” She laughed. “At one point I wondered where they had gotten a goat.”
I chuckled as I stared up at Lizzy whose eyes landed on me and anger flashed through them.
“What are you looking at?” she spat as she lit her cigarette. “You think you’re better than me just because you’re banging a lead singer?” She laughed as she shook her head. “I’ve already had him. You’re not that special.”
She reminded me of Cadence, Tucker’s ex-girlfriend. She was desperate to cling to anyone else’s coattails instead of building a meaningful relationship, and she didn’t care who she had to step on to get there. It made me sick to see the desperation in her eyes as she tried to pull me down with her.
Her words cut through me like a knife, and I could feel all happiness seeping out of the wound. I tried to form a response, but I couldn’t speak. I was right back in the lobby of that hotel when I saw Tucker with his ex-girlfriend. My heart stopped in my chest as I saw Lizzy’s eyes lock onto mine. I was an obstacle, not a person, and my feelings meant nothing. I had taken her words to heart, believed that I wasn’t good enough for him and was only a placeholder until the next best thing came along. But those were my own insecurities, not how Tucker really saw me. Still, in the heat of the moment it was incredibly hard not to believe I wasn’t good enough. It was something that had been drilled into me for years and not an easy notion to let go of.
“Don’t believe me? I think my favorite picture in his bunk is the one of him on his bike.”
Sarah pushed to her feet and was in front of Lizzy before I could absorb what she had just said to me.
“The free ride stops here. Get your shit, and get the hell off my bus,” Sarah yelled as she folded her arms over her chest.
“Screw both of you!” Lizzy yelled back as she stormed onto the bus to gather her things. I pushed to my feet and made my way to the front of our bus. I needed to lie down, to think. I felt like my head was going to explode. I tossed my notebook on the floor and slipped into Tucker’s bunk. My eyes danced over the pictures Tucker had taped to the top of the bed. My vision clouded over with tears as I looked up at a picture of him straddling his motorcycle.
“Cass?” Sarah called from the entrance of the bus. I didn’t respond. I was afraid the floodgates would open and I would completely lose control of myself.
“You have to trust him to make this work. Tucker’s a good guy.”
“Tucker wouldn’t . . .” I began, but my voice cracked.
“You’re damn right he wouldn’t. He loves you, and he loves Terry.”
“The picture is right here.”
“There is an explanation. You need to be stronger. You can’t let her manipulate how you feel this easily.”
“I am just so scared that I will wake up and everything with Tucker will all have been a dream.”
It reminded me of all the times I had dreamed my father had come back and was now part of my life. I’d run through the scenario a thousand times in my mind wondering what it would be like, but it always ended in disappointment when I woke the next morning. I was scared that one day I would wake up and find that Tucker had never really come back to find me and I was just torturing myself.
“That’s good. I’m going to write that down.”
I pushed open the curtain and saw Sarah reaching for my notebook. I held my breath as her eyes scanned what I’d written.
“This is amazing, Cass. You have a way with words.” She smiled up at me as she folded the notebook closed and handed it to me. I slid it under Tucker’s pillow. “That would make a killer song.”
“Thanks.” I smiled, pride beginning to bolster my spirits again.
Sarah stood and began to make her way to the front of the bus.
“Sarah?”
She stopped, turning to look back at me.
“Thanks for talking some sense into me. . . . I . . . I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You’re only human. If it makes you feel better, I can chase down Lizzy and kick her ass.” She winked, and I laughed.
“Maybe later.” I watched her leave before flopping back on the pillow and staring up at the pictures of Tucker. He had been the one person in my life who didn’t judge me and wanted nothing more than to see me smile. I needed to stop comparing everyone to my absent father and abusive ex-boyfriend. I knew better than to think of Jackson as my eyes grew heavy.
The living room was so trashed I could barely push the front door open after my long shift at the diner. My eyes scanned the mess and the two men who lay passed out on either end of the couch. I stepped over a plate and began to make my way back down the hall. When I heard a female giggle from the bathroom, I paused with my hand on the doorknob to my room. That wasn’t my mother’s voice, not that I had heard her laughter in years. It was someone much younger.
I walked to the bathroom door and listened as I heard Jax say something in a hushed tone. I shoved open the door and gasped as I saw a girl around my age sitting on his lap. The needle in his hand didn’t register. All I saw was his arms looped around another woman.
“What are you doing?” My words broke under my shaky voice as I struggled not to break down and cry. I didn’t want to be weak.
“Creating a new customer base.” He smirked and shook the needle in his hand.
I felt ill, and my hand fell to my stomach as I struggled not to vomit the one meal I had been lucky enough to eat that day.
“You can’t do this.” I took a step inside the cramped bathroom, wishing I had found him cheating instead of ruining this poor girl’s life. “Come on.” I held out my hand to the brunette who sat perched on my boyfriend’s knee. She drew into him and glared at my hand.
“I’m not going anywhere. He wants me here, so you can just f**k off,” she spat angrily. Jax laughed, finding the whole exchange amusing.
“Cass!” My eyes fluttered open to the sound of Tucker’s voice. I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him against me. “Shh . . .” He stroked my hair as I held on to him. “It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. I’m here.”
“It felt so real.”
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
I nodded into his shoulder as I lifted my gaze to see the rest of the band standing silently around us.
“I’m so sorry.” I pulled back from Tucker and wiped the tears from my cheeks, embarrassed.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Cass.” Tucker glanced over his shoulder to the other guys. They all nodded in agreement.
Chapter Seven
I LOCKED MYSELF IN the cramped bathroom of the bus, waiting for the humiliation of my nightmare to pass. I couldn’t look at my own reflection in the mirror because that scared little girl from the trailer park might be staring back at me.
There was a soft knock at the door, and I hesitated before sliding open the small pocket door.
“We were thinking of going out for a bite to eat,” Eric said as he leaned against the wall.
“Sure. I’ll see you guys later.” I forced the lump in my throat down as I began to pull the door closed. He stuck his hand out, stopping me as he laughed.
“We aren’t going without you. You’re part of this family, too.” He shook his head as he took a step back. “Get ready, woman. Powder your shit or whatever it is you chicks do. I’m starving.” His hand rubbed over his stomach before he walked toward the front of the bus.
I smiled as I glanced back at the small mirror over the sink, this time boldly taking in my reflection. I needed to stop living in the past. I had moved on from that broken, shattered shell of the girl who lived in the trailer park—I had embarked on a new chapter and, for the first time, I allowed myself to pause for a moment and take it all in. My thoughts briefly drifted to Sarah. Watching her onstage last night, I was instantly intimidated by the way she took control and demanded attention from the crowd. That was something I needed to learn to do in my own life. Sarah was right—I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. My dreams had changed so much in the last year that I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of my life. I knew I wanted Tucker by my side; that was a given. But I also wanted to have my own identity. Leaving the trailer park was not the end of my dreams.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I stepped into the tiny hallway of the bus.
“Chinese,” Terry called from the front of the bus.
“Pizza,” Chris said, shoving his brother in the shoulder.
“We could hit the food court in the mall. They have a little bit of everything,” I called out, and all eyes turned to me. Tucker hooked his arm around my neck and kissed me on the temple.
“I love you.” His breath tickled my ear and sent a shiver all the way down to my toes.
“I love you, too.”
“All right. Let’s not make us all sick before we even eat,” Eric yelled, but he was smiling; a rare sight.
We made our way to the mall, laughing together in one cohesive group, and I was filled again with a new sense of hope. Maybe they were starting to let me in.
I ordered a milk shake and burger from Mooers and Shakers as the guys spread out to order their food.
“You want me to take that?” Tucker asked as he grabbed a fry from my tray and popped it into his mouth.
“I think I can handle it, Tucker,” I replied as he made a face when the fry burnt his tongue. We picked a corner booth away from the chaos of the teenage girls who crowded the mall.
“I know you can. I like doing things for you.”
“You’ve done enough.”
“A lover’s quarrel? Dinner and a show.” Eric sat his tray at the end of the booth and grabbed a chair from a neighboring table, turning it backward to straddle it.
“We aren’t fighting.” I blew on a fry before biting off the end.
“Shame. Tuck writes better when he is all sad and bitchy. The lovey-dovey shit is hell on his creativity.” He laughed and Tucker smacked him on the chest.
“I think we’ve had enough sad times to last us a lifetime.” My eyes fell on the twins as they slid into the bench seat across from us.
“My writing doesn’t hold a candle to Cass’s.” Tucker grabbed his slice of pizza from his plate and took a bite.
I laughed nervously as I took a bite from my burger.
“I’ll be the judge of that. Lay it on us.” Eric folded his hands together, giving me his undivided attention.
“You’re out of your damn mind! How did the meeting go?” I asked the twins, wanting to divert the attention from me.
“It was all right. If you have some new material for us, we wouldn’t mind taking a look,” Terry replied. So much for diverting attention.
“I don’t know how to write songs. It’s more of a poem.”
The smell of whiskey and cigarettes filled my nose, replacing the sweet smell of freedom. My hands flew to the back of my head as I struggled to pry Jackson’s fingers from my hair. “Jax, let go of me!” I struggled to get my footing as he lifted me from the bed by my hair. His dirty fingers gripped onto my throat, cutting off my pleas for help. I stared into the lifeless bloodshot eyes of my boyfriend, silently pleading for him to let me go.
“Where is my dope?” he asked, his words slurring as his grip tightened. I clawed at his fingers, desperate for a gasp of air. “I know you f**king took it.” I struggled to shake my head as my body grew weak. He released me, flinging my body back on the bed. I struggled to take in deep breaths as he loomed over me, waiting for an answer.
“I didn’t. I wouldn’t,” I protested as I waited for his blows.
Lying crumpled and broken on empty sheets, feel the pain settle deep within me
I stand to fight another day, bracing for the blows on shaky legs
I take this pen and find my voice, fill the sheets with words of noise
My heart races to set the beat, as I bare my soul on empty sheets
“Plotting out world domination?” a female voice called from the window of the bus in front of me.
“I’m still in the early planning stages,” I called back to Sarah who smiled and slid the window closed before appearing in the doorway of the bus.
“I needed to get out of there. It’s like a coffin.” She sighed as she gathered her dark hair and pulled it back into a hair tie. “Where are the guys?” she asked as she sank down next to me.
“At a meeting with a possible new manager,” I replied as I chewed on the end of my pen.
“Yikes.” She laughed as she picked up a pebble and tossed it toward her bus. “Well, you are just in time for the show.”
I cocked my head to the side, not understanding what she meant until the door to the bus flew open again and Lizzy stepped outside. She had a cigarette dangling from her lips, and her hair was a wild mess of curls.
“Wow. . . .”
“I thought you would find that interesting. She shacked up with Derek last night. The sounds coming from his bunk would give you nightmares.” She laughed. “At one point I wondered where they had gotten a goat.”
I chuckled as I stared up at Lizzy whose eyes landed on me and anger flashed through them.
“What are you looking at?” she spat as she lit her cigarette. “You think you’re better than me just because you’re banging a lead singer?” She laughed as she shook her head. “I’ve already had him. You’re not that special.”
She reminded me of Cadence, Tucker’s ex-girlfriend. She was desperate to cling to anyone else’s coattails instead of building a meaningful relationship, and she didn’t care who she had to step on to get there. It made me sick to see the desperation in her eyes as she tried to pull me down with her.
Her words cut through me like a knife, and I could feel all happiness seeping out of the wound. I tried to form a response, but I couldn’t speak. I was right back in the lobby of that hotel when I saw Tucker with his ex-girlfriend. My heart stopped in my chest as I saw Lizzy’s eyes lock onto mine. I was an obstacle, not a person, and my feelings meant nothing. I had taken her words to heart, believed that I wasn’t good enough for him and was only a placeholder until the next best thing came along. But those were my own insecurities, not how Tucker really saw me. Still, in the heat of the moment it was incredibly hard not to believe I wasn’t good enough. It was something that had been drilled into me for years and not an easy notion to let go of.
“Don’t believe me? I think my favorite picture in his bunk is the one of him on his bike.”
Sarah pushed to her feet and was in front of Lizzy before I could absorb what she had just said to me.
“The free ride stops here. Get your shit, and get the hell off my bus,” Sarah yelled as she folded her arms over her chest.
“Screw both of you!” Lizzy yelled back as she stormed onto the bus to gather her things. I pushed to my feet and made my way to the front of our bus. I needed to lie down, to think. I felt like my head was going to explode. I tossed my notebook on the floor and slipped into Tucker’s bunk. My eyes danced over the pictures Tucker had taped to the top of the bed. My vision clouded over with tears as I looked up at a picture of him straddling his motorcycle.
“Cass?” Sarah called from the entrance of the bus. I didn’t respond. I was afraid the floodgates would open and I would completely lose control of myself.
“You have to trust him to make this work. Tucker’s a good guy.”
“Tucker wouldn’t . . .” I began, but my voice cracked.
“You’re damn right he wouldn’t. He loves you, and he loves Terry.”
“The picture is right here.”
“There is an explanation. You need to be stronger. You can’t let her manipulate how you feel this easily.”
“I am just so scared that I will wake up and everything with Tucker will all have been a dream.”
It reminded me of all the times I had dreamed my father had come back and was now part of my life. I’d run through the scenario a thousand times in my mind wondering what it would be like, but it always ended in disappointment when I woke the next morning. I was scared that one day I would wake up and find that Tucker had never really come back to find me and I was just torturing myself.
“That’s good. I’m going to write that down.”
I pushed open the curtain and saw Sarah reaching for my notebook. I held my breath as her eyes scanned what I’d written.
“This is amazing, Cass. You have a way with words.” She smiled up at me as she folded the notebook closed and handed it to me. I slid it under Tucker’s pillow. “That would make a killer song.”
“Thanks.” I smiled, pride beginning to bolster my spirits again.
Sarah stood and began to make her way to the front of the bus.
“Sarah?”
She stopped, turning to look back at me.
“Thanks for talking some sense into me. . . . I . . . I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“You’re only human. If it makes you feel better, I can chase down Lizzy and kick her ass.” She winked, and I laughed.
“Maybe later.” I watched her leave before flopping back on the pillow and staring up at the pictures of Tucker. He had been the one person in my life who didn’t judge me and wanted nothing more than to see me smile. I needed to stop comparing everyone to my absent father and abusive ex-boyfriend. I knew better than to think of Jackson as my eyes grew heavy.
The living room was so trashed I could barely push the front door open after my long shift at the diner. My eyes scanned the mess and the two men who lay passed out on either end of the couch. I stepped over a plate and began to make my way back down the hall. When I heard a female giggle from the bathroom, I paused with my hand on the doorknob to my room. That wasn’t my mother’s voice, not that I had heard her laughter in years. It was someone much younger.
I walked to the bathroom door and listened as I heard Jax say something in a hushed tone. I shoved open the door and gasped as I saw a girl around my age sitting on his lap. The needle in his hand didn’t register. All I saw was his arms looped around another woman.
“What are you doing?” My words broke under my shaky voice as I struggled not to break down and cry. I didn’t want to be weak.
“Creating a new customer base.” He smirked and shook the needle in his hand.
I felt ill, and my hand fell to my stomach as I struggled not to vomit the one meal I had been lucky enough to eat that day.
“You can’t do this.” I took a step inside the cramped bathroom, wishing I had found him cheating instead of ruining this poor girl’s life. “Come on.” I held out my hand to the brunette who sat perched on my boyfriend’s knee. She drew into him and glared at my hand.
“I’m not going anywhere. He wants me here, so you can just f**k off,” she spat angrily. Jax laughed, finding the whole exchange amusing.
“Cass!” My eyes fluttered open to the sound of Tucker’s voice. I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him against me. “Shh . . .” He stroked my hair as I held on to him. “It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. I’m here.”
“It felt so real.”
“He can’t hurt you anymore.”
I nodded into his shoulder as I lifted my gaze to see the rest of the band standing silently around us.
“I’m so sorry.” I pulled back from Tucker and wiped the tears from my cheeks, embarrassed.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Cass.” Tucker glanced over his shoulder to the other guys. They all nodded in agreement.
Chapter Seven
I LOCKED MYSELF IN the cramped bathroom of the bus, waiting for the humiliation of my nightmare to pass. I couldn’t look at my own reflection in the mirror because that scared little girl from the trailer park might be staring back at me.
There was a soft knock at the door, and I hesitated before sliding open the small pocket door.
“We were thinking of going out for a bite to eat,” Eric said as he leaned against the wall.
“Sure. I’ll see you guys later.” I forced the lump in my throat down as I began to pull the door closed. He stuck his hand out, stopping me as he laughed.
“We aren’t going without you. You’re part of this family, too.” He shook his head as he took a step back. “Get ready, woman. Powder your shit or whatever it is you chicks do. I’m starving.” His hand rubbed over his stomach before he walked toward the front of the bus.
I smiled as I glanced back at the small mirror over the sink, this time boldly taking in my reflection. I needed to stop living in the past. I had moved on from that broken, shattered shell of the girl who lived in the trailer park—I had embarked on a new chapter and, for the first time, I allowed myself to pause for a moment and take it all in. My thoughts briefly drifted to Sarah. Watching her onstage last night, I was instantly intimidated by the way she took control and demanded attention from the crowd. That was something I needed to learn to do in my own life. Sarah was right—I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. My dreams had changed so much in the last year that I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of my life. I knew I wanted Tucker by my side; that was a given. But I also wanted to have my own identity. Leaving the trailer park was not the end of my dreams.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I stepped into the tiny hallway of the bus.
“Chinese,” Terry called from the front of the bus.
“Pizza,” Chris said, shoving his brother in the shoulder.
“We could hit the food court in the mall. They have a little bit of everything,” I called out, and all eyes turned to me. Tucker hooked his arm around my neck and kissed me on the temple.
“I love you.” His breath tickled my ear and sent a shiver all the way down to my toes.
“I love you, too.”
“All right. Let’s not make us all sick before we even eat,” Eric yelled, but he was smiling; a rare sight.
We made our way to the mall, laughing together in one cohesive group, and I was filled again with a new sense of hope. Maybe they were starting to let me in.
I ordered a milk shake and burger from Mooers and Shakers as the guys spread out to order their food.
“You want me to take that?” Tucker asked as he grabbed a fry from my tray and popped it into his mouth.
“I think I can handle it, Tucker,” I replied as he made a face when the fry burnt his tongue. We picked a corner booth away from the chaos of the teenage girls who crowded the mall.
“I know you can. I like doing things for you.”
“You’ve done enough.”
“A lover’s quarrel? Dinner and a show.” Eric sat his tray at the end of the booth and grabbed a chair from a neighboring table, turning it backward to straddle it.
“We aren’t fighting.” I blew on a fry before biting off the end.
“Shame. Tuck writes better when he is all sad and bitchy. The lovey-dovey shit is hell on his creativity.” He laughed and Tucker smacked him on the chest.
“I think we’ve had enough sad times to last us a lifetime.” My eyes fell on the twins as they slid into the bench seat across from us.
“My writing doesn’t hold a candle to Cass’s.” Tucker grabbed his slice of pizza from his plate and took a bite.
I laughed nervously as I took a bite from my burger.
“I’ll be the judge of that. Lay it on us.” Eric folded his hands together, giving me his undivided attention.
“You’re out of your damn mind! How did the meeting go?” I asked the twins, wanting to divert the attention from me.
“It was all right. If you have some new material for us, we wouldn’t mind taking a look,” Terry replied. So much for diverting attention.
“I don’t know how to write songs. It’s more of a poem.”
