White Trash Love Song
Page 11
MY HEAD WAS pounding and I rubbed my forehead trying to force my eyes open. A leg slid over my waist and I froze as I glanced beside me to the mess of dark hair. My fingers gripped her knee and I leaned over, slowly brushing her hair from her face. Donna was sleeping peacefully beside me, and flashes of the night before slowly crept back into my memory. I slowly slid out from under her leg and got out of bed, suddenly aware of how na**d I was.
I grabbed my boxers from the floor and slid them on as I made my way into the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, unable to look at myself in the mirror. The consequences of our night together were going to be too much for me to handle. I couldn’t lose another friend.
I leaned over the sink as I let the water droplets fall from my face, my hands clinging to the porcelain until the cuts on my knuckles pulled open.
A hand slid around my waist and I closed my eyes as I took in the severity of what I’d done. I was beyond wasted and I knew Donna was, too. I had had no right to take advantage of her.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice rough from the night of par-tying. Her hand froze on my stomach.
“Why are you sorry?” She sounded so small and fragile and I wanted to wrap my arms around her.
“I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” I shook head, mentally chastising myself.
“You had just as much to drink as I had.”
“That doesn’t matter.” I turned around to face Donna and froze as I gazed down at her na**d body. I hated myself for the way my body immediately reacted.
There was a knock at the door and we both looked over at it before her eyes fell back on mine. I put my finger to her lips to tell her to be quiet.
She didn’t say a word, and I slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I took a deep breath before pulling open the door to the hallway.
Derek stood on the other side and my body tensed as I resisted the urge to punch him in the f**king mouth.
“Can we talk?”
I sighed loudly as I took a step back to let him enter, my eyes briefly flicking to the bathroom door as I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. Derek stood in front of me as he gazed around the room. I gestured to the chair at a small desk and he nodded, pulling it out and taking a seat. I found my jeans by my feet and grabbed my cigarettes and lit one as I groaned.
“This shit between us needs to stop.”
I cocked an eyebrow at his tone as I took a drag, but didn’t respond.
“I know what you think of me and the feeling is mutual, but Sarah doesn’t need this shit. She was a f**king mess when I came home this morning.”
He had spent the night out without her. I couldn’t resist the urge to make a dig at him. “Classy.” I stretched my back, feeling as if I had been hit by a train.
His eyes danced around the room at the piles of clothes that obviously weren’t all mine.
“That goes both ways.” He pushed to his feet. “I’m telling you to stay the f**k away from both of us. And if you do have to come around, keep it civil. You’re only hurting her.”
I pushed to my feet as I ran my hand through my hair. I was not about to be threatened by this ass**le who caused Sarah more pain then anyone else I knew. But her words from last night came back to me and I knew she wanted me to stay away as well. It wasn’t just him.
“You done?”
He glanced down at his feet as he shoved his hands in his pockets. I followed his gaze to Donna’s tank top, the same one from last night that read DAMAGED across the chest. Recognition flashed in his eyes and he glanced to the bathroom door.
“Yeah.” He smiled. “We’re done.” With that he turned and left, slamming the door behind him.
I sighed as I sat back on the bed and took another drag of my cigarette.
Donna came out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around her body. “I should go to my room and shower, get clean clothes.”
I looked up at her and nodded, unable to find the words to tell her what we had done should never have happened; would never happen again.
I watched as she gathered her clothes and slipped back into the bathroom to put them on, before disappearing out into the hallway.
I made my way into the bathroom and found my phone sitting on the counter. I slid my finger over the screen and saw six unread messages from Sarah. My heart stopped as I opened them to read.
14
SARAH
I’D SPENT THE last hour in bed feeling as if I had been kicked in the head by a horse. I have no idea what time Derek had come back to the room, but he was by my side when I woke. I blinked my eyes open and saw his staring back at me, concern on his face.
“What?” I asked, trying not to sound upset.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged as I looped my hand in his.
“You trashed the room, killed the minibar, and the stove was on.”
I closed my eyes, knowing that no excuses could make me sound sane in this situation. Part of me wanted to ask him why he cared. Why now? But I bit my tongue because I craved this side of him more than anything else.
“I was upset.”
“Then we will make it better.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. “Take a shower. It will help.”
I gave him a small smile as I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. As soon as my eyes locked on my phone, I could feel the panic spread from my chest. I picked it up and scrolled through the messages I had sent to E last night before I passed out.
I need you right now.
I can’t do this anymore.
Please . . . I’m not a free . . .
I shut the phone, unable to read the rest. Derek must have seen them. His clothes from last night were on the floor. I turned on the water to the shower, holding my breath as a few tears slid down my cheeks. After a minute I heard the door to the hotel hallway open and close quietly. I knew he was going to talk to E, and any hope I had of saving my friendship was gone.
I slid off my underwear and stepped into the scalding-hot water. I had f**ked up things beyond repair last night. There was no going back with E, and now Derek was going to make sure of it. I dipped my head into the stream of water and held my breath as it washed over my face.
I grabbed a washrag and lathered it with soap before scrubbing hard over my skin. I wanted to erase the night, erase the scars, erase my past.
I stood under the spray until my skin pruned and my body shivered uncontrollably as I got out and wrapped a towel around myself.
Derek was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging as I stepped out. He looked up at me, and instead of being angry, he smiled. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out.” The unusual cheerfulness to his tone made me uncomfortable, as if he were deliberately ignoring my pain, or laughing in the face of it. “Get dressed. We have dinner with Tucker and Cass today. I know you don’t want to miss that.”
I couldn’t help but make a face. E would be at a dinner with Tucker. I stepped farther into the bedroom space and sank down to dig around my bag for something to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a formfitting T-shirt. I glanced back at Derek over my shoulder; he was watching me intently.
I stood with my back to him as I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear.
Derek laughed to himself as I continued to get dressed, and I was scared to even ask him what was on his mind. He didn’t leave me to guess.
“If you had messaged me, I would have been here, babe.”
I froze with my pants midway up my thighs.
“Really. No need to bug E while he’s getting it on with Donna.”
I pulled my pants up slowly, glad I was not facing him so he could get the satisfaction of my reaction.
“I didn’t realize he was.” I hated that my voice wavered.
“They are dating. Don’t worry. He wasn’t that pissed. I smoothed it over.”
I pulled my shirt over my head and turned to face Derek as I grabbed my wet hair and freed it from the collar of my shirt. I gave him my best fake smile that I showed everyone else. “Thank you. I can be stupid when I drink.”
“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”
I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.
“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.
“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”
I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.
If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.
“We can skip the dinner if you want.”
I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.
His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”
I could only nod.
He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”
“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”
He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”
“Yeah . . . maybe.”
He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.
“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”
I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so f**ked-up in such a short time?
I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,
To let you in and break apart these walls,
That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,
But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,
By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.
My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.
“You’re writing.”
I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.
“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”
He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.
“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.
15
ERIC
I RUBBED MY HAND along my jaw as I stared at the messages from Sarah. How could I have left her alone last night? What did she mean she wasn’t free?
R u ok?
I hit send and made my way into the small kitchen area to get myself a glass of water. Visions of last night danced through the edge of my memory. In forty-eight hours, I had effectively destroyed things with Sarah from all sides. The kiss, the dare, the night with Donna . . . Sarah had reached out to me and I hadn’t even known because I was busy f**king up my friendship with Donna, too. By the time this trip was over, I would have no one left. My phone vibrated in my palm and my heart raced as I slid my finger over the screen.
I’m fine. Sorry I bothered u.
I stared at the words as if they would change before my eyes. I typed out a quick response: You don’t bother me.
I set my glass in the sink and ran my hand over the back of my neck, rubbing away the tightness in my muscles. The phone vibrated again.
I shouldn’t have texted u. I won’t ever again.
“Fuck,” I threw my phone, and the back flew off as it hit the wall on the other side of the bed. I needed to get the f**k out of this place before I lost my mind. For months I’d missed her, and now that she was back in my life, I’d pushed her even further away. To make things worse, I would have to face her for the next week and a half while we were all still in LA.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I had never felt as weak as I did now. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.
I decided I needed to get some of my frustration out in the gym. I hadn’t worked out in days. I changed into some shorts and a white T-shirt and set off for the gym on the first floor. It was practically empty and I was glad the twins were probably still asleep. I needed to lift, to feel the burn and ache in my muscles, but my head was going crazy.
I jumped on the treadmill and slowly upped the speed until I was full on running, staring at the television mounted in the corner of the room as I let the noise override my thoughts.
The more known our band became, the lonelier life felt. I craved having one person who knew the real me and not the guy on the stage. At least with Tucker off with his new bride, we were able to go out in public without being bothered. But all that would change again today when they finally came back.
I grabbed my boxers from the floor and slid them on as I made my way into the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face, unable to look at myself in the mirror. The consequences of our night together were going to be too much for me to handle. I couldn’t lose another friend.
I leaned over the sink as I let the water droplets fall from my face, my hands clinging to the porcelain until the cuts on my knuckles pulled open.
A hand slid around my waist and I closed my eyes as I took in the severity of what I’d done. I was beyond wasted and I knew Donna was, too. I had had no right to take advantage of her.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice rough from the night of par-tying. Her hand froze on my stomach.
“Why are you sorry?” She sounded so small and fragile and I wanted to wrap my arms around her.
“I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.” I shook head, mentally chastising myself.
“You had just as much to drink as I had.”
“That doesn’t matter.” I turned around to face Donna and froze as I gazed down at her na**d body. I hated myself for the way my body immediately reacted.
There was a knock at the door and we both looked over at it before her eyes fell back on mine. I put my finger to her lips to tell her to be quiet.
She didn’t say a word, and I slipped out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I took a deep breath before pulling open the door to the hallway.
Derek stood on the other side and my body tensed as I resisted the urge to punch him in the f**king mouth.
“Can we talk?”
I sighed loudly as I took a step back to let him enter, my eyes briefly flicking to the bathroom door as I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. Derek stood in front of me as he gazed around the room. I gestured to the chair at a small desk and he nodded, pulling it out and taking a seat. I found my jeans by my feet and grabbed my cigarettes and lit one as I groaned.
“This shit between us needs to stop.”
I cocked an eyebrow at his tone as I took a drag, but didn’t respond.
“I know what you think of me and the feeling is mutual, but Sarah doesn’t need this shit. She was a f**king mess when I came home this morning.”
He had spent the night out without her. I couldn’t resist the urge to make a dig at him. “Classy.” I stretched my back, feeling as if I had been hit by a train.
His eyes danced around the room at the piles of clothes that obviously weren’t all mine.
“That goes both ways.” He pushed to his feet. “I’m telling you to stay the f**k away from both of us. And if you do have to come around, keep it civil. You’re only hurting her.”
I pushed to my feet as I ran my hand through my hair. I was not about to be threatened by this ass**le who caused Sarah more pain then anyone else I knew. But her words from last night came back to me and I knew she wanted me to stay away as well. It wasn’t just him.
“You done?”
He glanced down at his feet as he shoved his hands in his pockets. I followed his gaze to Donna’s tank top, the same one from last night that read DAMAGED across the chest. Recognition flashed in his eyes and he glanced to the bathroom door.
“Yeah.” He smiled. “We’re done.” With that he turned and left, slamming the door behind him.
I sighed as I sat back on the bed and took another drag of my cigarette.
Donna came out of the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around her body. “I should go to my room and shower, get clean clothes.”
I looked up at her and nodded, unable to find the words to tell her what we had done should never have happened; would never happen again.
I watched as she gathered her clothes and slipped back into the bathroom to put them on, before disappearing out into the hallway.
I made my way into the bathroom and found my phone sitting on the counter. I slid my finger over the screen and saw six unread messages from Sarah. My heart stopped as I opened them to read.
14
SARAH
I’D SPENT THE last hour in bed feeling as if I had been kicked in the head by a horse. I have no idea what time Derek had come back to the room, but he was by my side when I woke. I blinked my eyes open and saw his staring back at me, concern on his face.
“What?” I asked, trying not to sound upset.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged as I looped my hand in his.
“You trashed the room, killed the minibar, and the stove was on.”
I closed my eyes, knowing that no excuses could make me sound sane in this situation. Part of me wanted to ask him why he cared. Why now? But I bit my tongue because I craved this side of him more than anything else.
“I was upset.”
“Then we will make it better.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently. “Take a shower. It will help.”
I gave him a small smile as I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. As soon as my eyes locked on my phone, I could feel the panic spread from my chest. I picked it up and scrolled through the messages I had sent to E last night before I passed out.
I need you right now.
I can’t do this anymore.
Please . . . I’m not a free . . .
I shut the phone, unable to read the rest. Derek must have seen them. His clothes from last night were on the floor. I turned on the water to the shower, holding my breath as a few tears slid down my cheeks. After a minute I heard the door to the hotel hallway open and close quietly. I knew he was going to talk to E, and any hope I had of saving my friendship was gone.
I slid off my underwear and stepped into the scalding-hot water. I had f**ked up things beyond repair last night. There was no going back with E, and now Derek was going to make sure of it. I dipped my head into the stream of water and held my breath as it washed over my face.
I grabbed a washrag and lathered it with soap before scrubbing hard over my skin. I wanted to erase the night, erase the scars, erase my past.
I stood under the spray until my skin pruned and my body shivered uncontrollably as I got out and wrapped a towel around myself.
Derek was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head hanging as I stepped out. He looked up at me, and instead of being angry, he smiled. “I didn’t think you were ever getting out.” The unusual cheerfulness to his tone made me uncomfortable, as if he were deliberately ignoring my pain, or laughing in the face of it. “Get dressed. We have dinner with Tucker and Cass today. I know you don’t want to miss that.”
I couldn’t help but make a face. E would be at a dinner with Tucker. I stepped farther into the bedroom space and sank down to dig around my bag for something to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a formfitting T-shirt. I glanced back at Derek over my shoulder; he was watching me intently.
I stood with my back to him as I dropped my towel and pulled on a pair of underwear.
Derek laughed to himself as I continued to get dressed, and I was scared to even ask him what was on his mind. He didn’t leave me to guess.
“If you had messaged me, I would have been here, babe.”
I froze with my pants midway up my thighs.
“Really. No need to bug E while he’s getting it on with Donna.”
I pulled my pants up slowly, glad I was not facing him so he could get the satisfaction of my reaction.
“I didn’t realize he was.” I hated that my voice wavered.
“They are dating. Don’t worry. He wasn’t that pissed. I smoothed it over.”
I pulled my shirt over my head and turned to face Derek as I grabbed my wet hair and freed it from the collar of my shirt. I gave him my best fake smile that I showed everyone else. “Thank you. I can be stupid when I drink.”
“It’s fine, babe. He understood.”
I cringed inwardly at the thought of Derek’s talking to E about me. And the thought of him with Donna while I was texting him last night . . . suddenly I felt nauseous again.
“Where’s the dinner?” I examined the burn on my fingertip, which was now pink and swollen, but hadn’t blistered.
“Have to ask the twins. I haven’t heard from him. I just know afterwards we’re gonna hit the strip club to make up for him not having a bachelor party.”
I dug through my bag and grabbed my hairbrush, running it through my hair absentmindedly as I thought about how badly I had broken down last night. I hadn’t had that happen for a long time, and I felt that I was starting to slip back into the person I used to be. At least today I could pull Cass aside and have someone to talk to. I needed to vent, to sort out what I was feeling.
If I had not passed out last night, I would have hurt myself. It wasn’t a matter of if but when.
“We can skip the dinner if you want.”
I sighed as my heart sank. “No. It’s fine,” I lied, dropping my brush in my bag.
His arms wrapped around my waist from behind and his lips pressed against my neck. “Is it?”
I could only nod.
He spun me around to face him, his eyes searching mine for the truth. He sighed, his shoulders sagging. “We can just leave. My brother’s been bugging me to come see him in Texas.”
“I want to stay. I want to see Cass.”
He nodded, pushing the wet hair from my face. “Maybe afterward. I think it would be good for us to get away from all of this.”
“Yeah . . . maybe.”
He pulled me against his chest and I wrapped my arms around his neck. Spending some time alone with Derek and away from the partying was exactly what we needed. When things aren’t this hectic, we actually enjoy each other’s company. I missed that. Missed us.
“I’m gonna run through the shower and get ready.”
I reluctantly let go of him as he disappeared into the bathroom. I sank down on the bed and dropped my head in my hands. How had everything gotten so f**ked-up in such a short time?
I needed to get it out before it consumed me. I found my old, tattered notebook and sat down at the small desk at the foot of the bed.
The flames lick at my fingertips as I’m drawn to the fire,
I want to run but I’m consumed by the overwhelming desire,
To let you in and break apart these walls,
That contain me, don’t blame me, I’m trying not to fall,
But it hurts to ignore it and it hurts to lie,
By myself in this bed when I’m starting to cry.
My mind was racing as I tried to get everything out that I had been keeping in so long. It was like therapy to me, and as I confessed my pain, I was confessing something else as well, but I was too scared to admit it.
“You’re writing.”
I turned around to see Derek running his hand through his long, dark hair, a towel slung low on his hips. My eyes danced over his tattoos and the bare spot on his chest. It was a perfect representation of how empty his heart was.
“Just jotting down some lyrics. We could use some new material for the next tour.”
He nodded as he gathered some clothes from the floor.
“I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for the mess I had made. The mess of my life.
“Me, too.” He tossed his towel on the bed and I turned around to stare at the paper in front of me.
15
ERIC
I RUBBED MY HAND along my jaw as I stared at the messages from Sarah. How could I have left her alone last night? What did she mean she wasn’t free?
R u ok?
I hit send and made my way into the small kitchen area to get myself a glass of water. Visions of last night danced through the edge of my memory. In forty-eight hours, I had effectively destroyed things with Sarah from all sides. The kiss, the dare, the night with Donna . . . Sarah had reached out to me and I hadn’t even known because I was busy f**king up my friendship with Donna, too. By the time this trip was over, I would have no one left. My phone vibrated in my palm and my heart raced as I slid my finger over the screen.
I’m fine. Sorry I bothered u.
I stared at the words as if they would change before my eyes. I typed out a quick response: You don’t bother me.
I set my glass in the sink and ran my hand over the back of my neck, rubbing away the tightness in my muscles. The phone vibrated again.
I shouldn’t have texted u. I won’t ever again.
“Fuck,” I threw my phone, and the back flew off as it hit the wall on the other side of the bed. I needed to get the f**k out of this place before I lost my mind. For months I’d missed her, and now that she was back in my life, I’d pushed her even further away. To make things worse, I would have to face her for the next week and a half while we were all still in LA.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but I had never felt as weak as I did now. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.
I decided I needed to get some of my frustration out in the gym. I hadn’t worked out in days. I changed into some shorts and a white T-shirt and set off for the gym on the first floor. It was practically empty and I was glad the twins were probably still asleep. I needed to lift, to feel the burn and ache in my muscles, but my head was going crazy.
I jumped on the treadmill and slowly upped the speed until I was full on running, staring at the television mounted in the corner of the room as I let the noise override my thoughts.
The more known our band became, the lonelier life felt. I craved having one person who knew the real me and not the guy on the stage. At least with Tucker off with his new bride, we were able to go out in public without being bothered. But all that would change again today when they finally came back.
